I need help with my friend

[wolly.green]

My mate is depressed. I originally thought he was feeling bad because he broke up with his ex, and lost access to his daughters. But it turns out his depression is much much worse than I originally thought.

Turns out his ex girlfriends case against him did not hold in court, so he was able to see his daughters again. I thought this would alleviate his depression, but it didn't. The feeling remained, and for reasons I did not anticipate.

For weeks I made a concerted effort to visit him. I knew that even though he wanted to be alone, it was not a good idea. So I would rock up, even if he didn't want it. Eventually he got used to me hanging around, and we would talk for hours. At first he wouldn't open up about much, but over time he became comfortable enough to speak honestly. At first I could understand what was going on. I could listen and offer some support. But eventually, he started talking about stuff that I could not understand. And I remember starting to develop a deep, stomach churning feeling about his future. I started to doubt whether he could survive for much longer.

One of his new social workers explained that he has a fear of failure and a fear of success. I looked it up on google, and the idea now makes a bit of sense to me. I asked my mate, and he seems to agree with the diagnosis. The problem -- and this is what has me so worried -- is that he does not know how to function as part of society. To him, society is just too complicated.

This doesn't sound so bad until you consider the fact that he needed social support to find a home. He couldn't do it on his own because the paper work was too complicated. He told me "I would have rather slept on the street than tried doing this on my own". He can't do anything for himself because of his crippling anxiety. Its literally preventing him from functioning properly as a normal adult. His anxiety is so bad that when something gets even slightly too complicated, he shuts off and can't help himself.

The reason this is so worrying is because he feels deep shame and self hate at his own inabilities. When he considers his daughters, he feels not only like a failure, but also like hes betrayed them by not dealing with his anxiety. I tried helping to figure out the source of his anxiety. But every time the conversation gets too deep, he regresses and says "I don't know, I don't know why".

One thing I know is that you need to be moving towards some sort of goal to feel joy. Our brains are wired in such a way that we ONLY experience joy and happiness when we are making progress. My friend is unable to do anything for himself and feels too much anxiety to do anything. Because of that, I know he is unable to feel joy in his life. His life is nothing but pain and misery. If he can't move towards something positive, the only way forward is death. This is what caused that gut wrenching feeling. This is what caused that sinking pit in my stomach. I don't know how to help him!

If anyone has any advice at all, I would be hugely greatful! I know I am not responsible for him, and that I need to protect my own happiness, but he told me I am his ONLY consistent friend. I am the only consistent presence in his life that hasn't given up on him. I can't walk away now. Not now.

 

[Asa]

It shows your integrity to stick with him. It isn't easy to stay in touch with others when they are so troubled. I'm not a huge fan of prescriptions solving everything, but it sounds like he needs to be on medication, at least for anxiety. He has a social worker, but it seems like he needs more serious help.

Try to get him to focus on something that will entice him to seek help and improve so he can find a way out of this trap: his children, a life goal, a better life or future. Anything that helps him want to get the help he needs will work, big or small. He will probably be self-defeating and negative about every suggestion, but keep trying.
If he is in serious danger of committing suicide, find a profession to help.

Make sure you take time to decompress after spending time with him and take care of yourself, too.

 

[SpecialEdition]

It sounds like his anxiety is paralyzing him. He probably knows that if he was not so anxious that he could handle a lot of these things he needs help with but he just can't get over the anxiety barrier to do it.

I agree with Asa that if his quality of life is evaporating that he needs to open up to the possibility of getting on some medication even to just take the edge off the anxiousness.

I have been in his shoes before. Too anxious to leave the house, anything new and unfamiliar was too overwhelming and I was barely functioning.

Do you know if he's looked into taking any medication to help? If I was in your position I would strongly suggest it.

 

[wolly.green]

It shows your integrity to stick with him. It isn't easy to stay in touch with others when they are so troubled. I'm not a huge fan of prescriptions solving everything, but it sounds like he needs to be on medication, at least for anxiety. He has a social worker, but it seems like he needs more serious help.

Try to get him to focus on something that will entice him to seek help and improve so he can find a way out of this trap: his children, a life goal, a better life or future. Anything that helps him want to get the help he needs will work, big or small. He will probably be self-defeating and negative about every suggestion, but keep trying.
If he is in serious danger of committing suicide, find a profession to help.

Make sure you take time to decompress after spending time with him and take care of yourself, too.

Thanks for the advice, Asa! Is it too much to go with him to the doctors and get Xanex? He will actually listen to me if I say I'll go with him.

 

[wolly.green]

It sounds like his anxiety is paralyzing him. He probably knows that if he was not so anxious that he could handle a lot of these things he needs help with but he just can't get over the anxiety barrier to do it.

I agree with Asa that if his quality of life is evaporating that he needs to open up to the possibility of getting on some medication even to just take the edge off the anxiousness.

I have been in his shoes before. Too anxious to leave the house, anything new and unfamiliar was too overwhelming and I was barely functioning.

Do you know if he's looked into taking any medication to help? If I was in your position I would strongly suggest it.

He takes antidepressants. But that isn't helping. What did you do to get over it because what you went through sounds remarkably similar to what he's going through?

 

[SpecialEdition]

He takes antidepressants. But that isn't helping. What did you do to get over it because what you went through sounds remarkably similar to what he's going through?

Well, I got a prescription for Lorazepam that I was able to take if I was having panic attacks and just knowing that I had something that could calm me down in 15 minutes made a massive difference. I don't know if it's panic disorder that your friend has or if it's some other manifestation of anxiety but that helped a lot.

The other thing I did was change my lifestyle which sounds vague and maybe unreachable to someone crippled with anxiety but I was desperate. A lot my anxiety manifested in my body as feeling physically ill, so I changed my diet and exercised in whatever way I could in the privacy of my home. Physically feeling better actually helped me feel more capable of dealing with the anxiousness and I think eating better and the exercise was good for my brain as well. There's a lot coming to light now with the brain and gut connection.

I was also in therapy at that time and it was helpful.

I WISH I had gone on a proper daily anxiety medication years earlier. It sounds like your friend needs to speak to their doctor about getting something specific to anxiety. I found that when mine was resolved it actually helped clear up a lot of suicidal depression as well.

 

[wolly.green]

Well, I got a prescription for Lorazepam that I was able to take if I was having panic attacks and just knowing that I had something that could calm me down in 15 minutes made a massive difference. I don't know if it's panic disorder that your friend has or if it's some other manifestation of anxiety but that helped a lot.

The other thing I did was change my lifestyle which sounds vague and maybe unreachable to someone crippled with anxiety but I was desperate. A lot my anxiety manifested in my body as feeling physically ill, so I changed my diet and exercised in whatever way I could in the privacy of my home. Physically feeling better actually helped me feel more capable of dealing with the anxiousness and I think eating better and the exercise was good for my brain as well. There's a lot coming to light now with the brain and gut connection.

I was also in therapy at that time and it was helpful.

I WISH I had gone on a proper daily anxiety medication years earlier. It sounds like your friend needs to speak to their doctor about getting something specific to anxiety. I found that when mine was resolved it actually helped clear up a lot of suicidal depression as well.

Thank you so much for your advice. Its really helpful to get info from someone that's been through the same thing. I really appreciate your input.

 

[SpecialEdition]

Thank you so much for your advice. Its really helpful to get info from someone that's been through the same thing. I really appreciate your input.

No problem. I lived like your friend for most of my life and it was brutal. There are ways out of it. But he needs to get the edge off of it so that he can put other strategies in place to help him. He may be on the wrong medication to begin with as well. He may be at the point where he doesn't even want to pick up the phone to make an appt or physically leave the house to go but if he has someone that can gently encourage him (and sort of force him lol) to address it, that would be helpful.

 

[Asa]

Thanks for the advice, Asa! Is it too much to go with him to the doctors and get Xanex? He will actually listen to me if I say I'll go with him.

I'd go with him to the doctor, especially if he agrees to go if you go with him. He needs it.