[INFJ] I hurt an INFJ very bad

[5r6jhd]

Good luck to you @feelsbad! I know I come off like a bitch, but I do really wish you well.

I've been there, changing bad habits is fucking hard.

I agree with what @acd said . It's the same for all of us, we've got to be comfortable with ourselves and our own emotions first. Otherwise we end up in this unstable place of viewing ourselves through the eyes of another or depending on others for our happiness or self worth. Been there, it's not a stable or happy place to be.

You're on the right track.

 

[Eventhorizon]

A good rule of thumb is asking yourself how you would react if treated the same way. Once that's established go further and understand that not everyone is the same some are effected to greater extent.

So look past the girl. If she contacts you try to rectify the situation. If she doesn't, remember and learn.

Mental issues are difficult to live with. But you have the sense of mind to know that what you have done isn't a positive thing for anyone. I don't think you are a bad person just learn and try to become a better person in your own eyes first and then in others if you can manage it.

Also, try to find a way to do something you don't feel the need to lie about what you do. You keep calling yourself a criminal...that has to have a negative effect on you to think of yourself that way true or not. Work toward being what you want to be.

Best of luck.

 

[feelsbad]

I mean about learning how to identify and differentiate your emotions.

We talked about this. With low success. She doesn't understand me. My therapy will be over in a few months, then I will try to get psychoanalysis as further therapy.

I know I come off like a bitch, but I do really wish you well.

Nah, it's okay. You had bad experiences with narcissist, so it's legit to feel this way. I am not sure if I'm really a narcissist. I was diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder, but I'm also not sure about this either.

So look past the girl. If she contacts you try to rectify the situation. If she doesn't, remember and learn.

She will never contact me again, I'm pretty sure.

Also, try to find a way to do something you don't feel the need to lie about what you do. You keep calling yourself a criminal...that has to have a negative effect on you to think of yourself that way true or not. Work toward being what you want to be.

I have been criminal in the past, yes. But I stopped this. And I won't do it again. She is one of the reasons why I try to become better.

 

[James]

A good rule of thumb is asking yourself how you would react if treated the same way. Once that's established go further and understand that not everyone is the same some are effected to greater extent.

So look past the girl. If she contacts you try to rectify the situation. If she doesn't, remember and learn.

Mental issues are difficult to live with. But you have the sense of mind to know that what you have done isn't a positive thing for anyone. I don't think you are a bad person just learn and try to become a better person in your own eyes first and then in others if you can manage it.

Also, try to find a way to do something you don't feel the need to lie about what you do. You keep calling yourself a criminal...that has to have a negative effect on you to think of yourself that way true or not. Work toward being what you want to be.

Best of luck.

Excellent post.

 

[biwaly]

But the problem with therapy is: When I'm at therapy my therapist gives me advices like this "you should try out socializing instead of being alone all the time". So I try and it ends up like this. Then I'm alone again, so I seek help again. And the circle continues. How should I change then? Therapy always just says something like "fill the void".

Do you even want to socialize? As a %100 iintroverted guy I can say that socializing is like a poison to me in the country I live. Because I don't share the same culture with turks. But I can be social when I'm ready. Even tolerant to them and have fun sometimes.

Don't force yourself if you don't want to. If you force yourself, people will get your intention, you will make mistake, you will be a weird guy to them and they will run. Don't even think to be social in real life if you are repulsive person. As long as they are not creepy no one wants to hang out with a person who gives them creeps. Even creeps have their own standards.

There is no perfect human. Everyone makes mistakes. It's the part of any relationship. Most important thing about relationship is accepting the fact that you made mistake and apologize. The word "apologize" is not a magic word that gonna fix a relationship. As long as you are honest, people may tolerate and forgive you or not. No one has to deal with you. Even your parents. So, all you can do is trying not to make mistake. If you are lucky you will find someone who accept you as you are or tolerate you for their own gain or he/she is sick enough to be with you, etc..

About filling the void, you need positive things to fill your void and keep it like that to stay happy. Using others is not a good option. Because no one likes selfish people. People have enough bad things in their life. Don't be a burden to them. Find a hobby, do what you enjoy. As long as you don't do bad things anything is fine. Other than that, stay positive. seek love, don't dwell in past, fight for future, etc.

 

[dudemanbro]

Just ignore her!

Ignoring women is the best thing I ever learned. I'd rather be a lovable asshole than a nice person who doesn't know how to love (both self and others).

Plenty of fish in the sea. No matter what you may be thinking I guarantee you, she isn't special.

Your story stood out to me. I used to do some pretty major business through the darknet myself, just a couple yeard ago. And that 'side' hustle saved my wallet, it did. Yes onion and blockchain is amazing stuff. Anyway...

Focus on being better, and if youre gonna lie, tell a good story! I'd feel pretty high and dry myself if i was her.

 

[dudemanbro]

Oh and forget trying to prove yourself, to her! think taht will end well?

That's just going to make you feel like a piece of garbage, guaranteed. She's done, and so are you. Next!

 

[Eventhorizon]

We talked about this. With low success. She doesn't understand me. My therapy will be over in a few months, then I will try to get psychoanalysis as further therapy.


Nah, it's okay. You had bad experiences with narcissist, so it's legit to feel this way. I am not sure if I'm really a narcissist. I was diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder, but I'm also not sure about this either.



She will never contact me again, I'm pretty sure.



I have been criminal in the past, yes. But I stopped this. And I won't do it again. She is one of the reasons why I try to become better.

Ok. I think that becoming a better person is

Oh and forget trying to prove yourself, to her! think taht will end well?

That's just going to make you feel like a piece of garbage, guaranteed. She's done, and so are you. Next!

Dudemanbro it's been forever....

 

[feelsbad]

Those of who you told me I'm narcissistic: Are you sure about this?
Because as mentioned I was diagnosed with schizoid in the past and schizoids also have a lack of empathy and are sometimes seen as arrogant while they don't try to be. For me it seems like I just don't understand the feelings of others.
I usually don't intentionally try to hurt others. Because what I read about the diagnostic of narcissistic personality disorder according to the criteria...

A desire for unwarranted admiration
-> I don't think this is matching. I usually try to hide and I'm more or less anxious about others finding out when I am good at something. I hate when others tell me they think I have "talent" in something, because it usually isn't true and I just want to be left alone and not talk to them.

A grandiose logic of self-importance
-> I don't think I'm important. It's quite the opposite?

Resentment of others or a conviction that others are resentful of him or her
-> I usually don't give a fuck about materialism or social status, seriously not. Maybe because I don't have enough money, I don't know for sure, but I wouldn't like to work just to get a new car to impress others for example. And usually people aren't resentful of me, some have been, but who has no people who are resentful of him/her sometimes?

A credence that he or she is extraordinary and exceptional and can only be understood by, or should connect with, other extraordinary or important people or institutions
-> I had an extraordinary life, that's just a fact. I was taken out of family with 15 and got into youth welfare, because my mother was raped in her childhood and became schizophrenic. Anyway I got into university, which is a rare success for people who had such a childhood. It's called "care leaver". That's somehow extraordinary. I don't know if this makes me narcissistic.

 

[Jnd42611]

First thing, I think I speak for all personality types, to start off any kind of relationship, you cannot base it off any lie. I always try and put something positive with something negative to help people better understand things. But honesty respect and trust a must with all. So your a hacker, well hackers can give a purpose and if you are good at it, try finding employment where it can be legal and you don't have to be ashamed! Cuz that comes in hand with lack of self love. Like you don't think you are good enough for her because your a "criminal". An infj will find something good in you that you won't see yourself so if you get anot her chance, no secrets, no lies, no covering up what flaws you think you have because yes she will see right through you, and you are lucky you had that second chance because me personally, would have laughed and said I don't break laws or rules for anyone, no exceptions!!! But the picture thing, really??? If she didn't have a complex because she is confident, you may have intrigued her. But none the less story telling is for children, since you started bad and her intuition got the best of you, a little lesson the things that you hate most about yourself, an infj will find a way to take that doubt, twist and break it, nurture it and love it for its broken parts and love it as a whole. Good bad and ugly! If you get another shot, tell her who you are, don't make yourself fancy, but don't sell yourself short! Keep your conversation at a level of your comfort so you are not tempted to lie. Because fool me once, it's because I let you. Fool me twice, it just don't happen. Try and fool me 3 times, and you become non existent, confused and doubt yourself even more so than before......hope that help

 

[biwaly]

Those of who you told me I'm narcissistic: Are you sure about this?
Because as mentioned I was diagnosed with schizoid in the past and schizoids also have a lack of empathy and are sometimes seen as arrogant while they don't try to be. For me it seems like I just don't understand the feelings of others.
I usually don't intentionally try to hurt others. Because what I read about the diagnostic of narcissistic personality disorder according to the criteria...

A desire for unwarranted admiration
-> I don't think this is matching. I usually try to hide and I'm more or less anxious about others finding out when I am good at something. I hate when others tell me they think I have "talent" in something, because it usually isn't true and I just want to be left alone and not talk to them.

A grandiose logic of self-importance
-> I don't think I'm important. It's quite the opposite?

Resentment of others or a conviction that others are resentful of him or her
-> I usually don't give a fuck about materialism or social status, seriously not. Maybe because I don't have enough money, I don't know for sure, but I wouldn't like to work just to get a new car to impress others for example. And usually people aren't resentful of me, some have been, but who has no people who are resentful of him/her sometimes?

A credence that he or she is extraordinary and exceptional and can only be understood by, or should connect with, other extraordinary or important people or institutions
-> I had an extraordinary life, that's just a fact. I was taken out of family with 15 and got into youth welfare, because my mother was raped in her childhood and became schizophrenic. Anyway I got into university, which is a rare success for people who had such a childhood. It's called "care leaver". That's somehow extraordinary. I don't know if this makes me narcissistic.

Well... narcissistic people just see themself better than others. That's why they doesn't know what they doing wrong and don't accept they doing wrong. They are just like a kid who wants everything according to their "plan". They love to dominate. They just use you. They only care to have fun with you. They are like vampire. They won't help you. If they think you are being "negative" they just dump you, doorslam you, etc. But when they bored, they may just come out of nowhere and involve to your life like nothing happened. They just can't deal with the fact that you don't like them. They just can't deal with themself.

They are that kind of person because they have corrupted ego. It's their defense mechanism to defend their ego. They become selfish to defend themself. Which leads to "me and others" thinking and separation other humans from themself.

You seem to me like a shy person who doesn't value himself and trying to do the right thing. Which leads me to thinking that you may have a very strong superego. Because you are uncomfortable with compliment. You just don't feel accomplishment because others said so. You think you must be the one who should give value to you. Because you believe it's the right thing.

If that's true then it's the source of your low self-esteem. Because you are being hard on yourself. Don't love yourself. Don't value yourself. You just always need to earn them. So I have questions for you:

Do you always critize yourself?

Do you think you don't care social status because social status wouldn't make you better person?

Do you always felt guilt because you think you did the wrong thing?

Do you think you must work hard and earn something to consider that as a accomplishment and value yourself?

If your answer is yes you are maybe a perfectionist, who is highly idealistic and just trying to do the right thing. Take the enneagram test to be sure if you want. I'm sure the result will be helpful.

I'm thinking maybe you are perfectionist because I strongly agree with the way you think. I don't hate when someone says I have talent in something but I don't take this compliment so easily because I don't consider myself good at that. I just need be perfect about this to earn compliment. That's why I'm perfectionist. My motto is "work hard to deserve". If I don't work hard I just feel guilt. Knowing I'm not perfect cause me to don't love myself. That's the source of my low self-esteem. I prefer to be alone when I think I can't do it. Because I'm afraid of condemnation.

Nevertheless, you must learn to accept compliment. If someone compliments you then that means you deserve it despite of what you think about it.

Yes, you shouldn't give a fuck much about materialism or social status. But you should care the positive side about materialism and social status. It's good thing to be a beloved, admired person, etc.

Lastly, our posts just a point of view. We are not expert. So don't believe you are narcissistic or something because others said so. Even experts make mistakes.

 

[acd]

@feelsbad don't take internet diagnosis seriously. No offense to anyone here, but no one here is qualified to tell you that you are a narcissist.

 

[feelsbad]

She added me again today. I accepted her request, she was online today (on away), but she didn't send me a message.
Still don't know if it's appropriate to say "hi", so I didn't. Hope she will do it from her own soon. :/
Also don't know what to tell her when she does. I just feel paralyzed somehow.

 

[t56hg2bv]

I apologize 1,000 times. Actually, no I don't. Ms. Jackson can kiss my ass. What a bitch.

Who is Ms Jackson?

 

[t56hg2bv]

@feelsbad don't take internet diagnosis seriously. No offense to anyone here, but no one here is qualified to tell you that you are a narcissist.

You sure about that? I'm not trying to be judgmental but intuition combined with knowledge can be pretty spot on.

For example, Donald Trump. I'm not judging him, but I think it's pretty fair to make an assessment. Not because one person was able to see him in a light but because the evidence and behavior was overwhelmingly obvious for MANY people.

Narcissism is not all bad. We all have egos and a little bit comes out in all of us. It's only when it becomes a personality disorder that help / change is required. Downside is that people with extreme NPD probably will reject that there could be anything wrong with them so help / change is unlikely.

 

[t56hg2bv]

If it makes you feel any better, you did not hurt an INFJ very bad. You actually hurt an INFJ very BADLY. Sorry, but typos and bad grammar in thread titles should result in infractions. When I become a mod, any thread title typos will result in perma ban. You have now been warned.

Beware of the spellchecking camps. If you see signs that say they can help you, run!!

 

[t56hg2bv]

First of all: Sorry. But English is not my first language. I'm still learning it. So stop attacking me.



You don't even know me. I'm diagnosed with several mental disorders. And for your information: I'm in psychotherapy since about 2 years now. Also I have been in psych ward several times. So don't tell me I'm not mentally ill.



I don't know who you dated but from my experience, I met a few narcissist in real life and online, they were are super arrogant and believed they are the best human on earth. I think there's a difference, because I also suffer from major depression. I don't want to excuse, but it's just a fact and I have very low self-esteem.



You're not the only one who has no sympathy for me. Tbh no one ever had. And no I really would like to change, believe it or not. I cried when I read this, ok?



She said I'm not too needy, asked her several times and she said it's okay. Also you are right. I have probably difficulties understand her and her needs or anyone else. But why you blame me for this? Do you think I was asked when I was born?



I will take your advice serious. You are right, I didn't see it that bad, but if you say so from your experience then I will have to leave her alone. I really just wanted the best for her when I bombarded her again. You probably can't understand this, but I thought she would feel lonely when I leave her, also she said in the beginning when we met that she doesn't have any friends, because people left her without any forewarning, that's why I felt responsible to show her there are also loyal people. And with loyal in this case I mean not leaving her. But I think I kinda understand what you mean now.



Do you think I make this all on purpose? If so you sound just like her. I really believe what I write down here, even if it's not true. If so I just don't see how is it right. Why blame for this?
Also as I said I'm already in therapy. And yeah I really care about her. Maybe not. Maybe I'm just an asshole who is just sorry that she have left me, which means I have lost something. But I don't do this intentionally.

You should go talk to your therapist about this. If you do have these issues then they should be dealt with in a professional manner.

I think you coming to an INFJ forum to get information and understanding seems manipulative but you underestimated the insight INFJ's and other intuitive have so you got hammered with a mirror of your own behavior.

Go be well. This is not the best place to deal with this kind of problem.

 

[acd]

You sure about that? I'm not trying to be judgmental but intuition combined with knowledge can be pretty spot on.

For example, Donald Trump. I'm not judging him, but I think it's pretty fair to make an assessment. Not because one person was able to see him in a light but because the evidence and behavior was overwhelmingly obvious for MANY people.

Narcissism is not all bad. We all have egos and a little bit comes out in all of us. It's only when it becomes a personality disorder that help / change is required. Downside is that people with extreme NPD probably will reject that there could be anything wrong with them so help / change is unlikely.

Yes. I am about a million percent sure that no one on this forum is qualified to diagnose him or assess him for a condition.. Or anyone else.. even with knowledge and intuition. It doesn't make anyone a psychologist or psychiatrist. Even if you were a psychotherapist, you're not treating him--you can't diagnose him. Even if you were a therapist, it's not ethical to diagnose someone who isn't your patient.

If he isn't a narcissist, no one is helping him by telling him that he is.

 

[t56hg2bv]

Yes. I am about a million percent sure that no one on this forum is qualified to diagnose him or assess him for a condition.. Or anyone else.. even with knowledge and intuition. It doesn't make anyone a psychologist or psychiatrist. Even if you were a psychotherapist, you're not treating him--you can't diagnose him. Even if you were a therapist, it's not ethical to diagnose someone who isn't your patient.

If he isn't a narcissist, no one is helping him by telling him that he is.

Not diagnose and treat - I agree with that.

At the same time, psychiatrist use the DSM to evaluate and diagnose behavior. There are a number of criteria that must be met to have a diagnosis. These criteria change over time and terms change over time.

For example, homosexuality and transgender used to be a disorder now it has changed and is not. Sociopath and psychopath use to be diagnosed disorders now it's anti-social.

All I'm saying is that many of us have an idea of what these terms are, some more than others. All of it is very fluid from a diagnosis and treatment stance. But when you look at a bird and it walks, quacks, looks, like a duck, it's pretty safe to call it that.

If someone had a broken leg, and it looked like the leg was broken, I would probably say to a person, that leg looks broken and you should go to the hospital and get it treated. I think that's what most of the people in this forum were trying to do with feelsbad.

I also believe that many people felt that this woman might be in jeopardy based on his behavior so they said leave her alone. There was also concern for his mental health so the tone changed from attacking to please go get help.

 

[acd]

Not diagnose and treat - I agree with that.

At the same time, psychiatrist use the DSM to evaluate and diagnose behavior. There are a number of criteria that must be met to have a diagnosis. These criteria change over time and terms change over time.

For example, homosexuality and transgender used to be a disorder now it has changed and is not. Sociopath and psychopath use to be diagnosed disorders now it's anti-social.

All I'm saying is that many of us have an idea of what these terms are, some more than others. All of it is very fluid from a diagnosis and treatment stance. But when you look at a bird and it walks, quacks, looks, like a duck, it's pretty safe to call it that.

If someone had a broken leg, and it looked like the leg was broken, I would probably say to a person, that leg looks broken and you should go to the hospital and get it treated. I think that's what most of the people in this forum were trying to do with feelsbad.

Are you seriously trying to say it's OK tell tell someone on the internet they have a psychological diagnosis based on a thread? Try reading what was said to him and how he's taken it. Does that seem helpful? Telling someone they are a narcissist? But hey, you wanted to argue about my suggesting he not take the diagnostics of internet strangers seriously.

I think there are a lot more productive things to say to someone looking for some advice. And some of us did suggest professional help.

I don't have anything else to say about this.