[INFJ] I hurt an INFJ very bad

[feelsbad]

I'm an INTJ male. I have a good friend (INFJ female) on Skype. We never met in real life, but we know us online for about a year now.
She is one of the nicest people I ever met. So I really like her, but I did a few things she can't forgive anymore I guess.

First of all when we met online I told her I'm self-employed, working in IT like programming stuff.
That wasn't true. The truth is at that time I earned my money by doing criminal stuff in Darknet.

She somehow intuitionally knew that something was wrong, so she asked me different stuff and thought I was lying about this or that. Then somehow she asked me if I'm a hacker. So I responded "define hacker" and that was the moment she knew I was lying about my job.

I couldn't do this anymore so 1 month later I told her the truth. She felt so badly about this, firstly because I lied to her and secondly because I have been a criminal.

She was really pissed on, so I tried my best to prove her I wasn't a liar. She also told me right in the beginning she is a very paranoid person, so this triggered her really hard, but she accepted my sorry and we moved on.
She also warned me she usually wouldn't trust twice. I promised I wouldn't hurt her again.

Until I did something much much worse. Not even comparable.
I hope she won't hate me for posting this here, but I want to get help somehow. So yeah.
In the beginning she sent me censored picture of her face, to prove me she is real. I posted this picture online to troll others pretending I have just found a girlfriend. I also posted a screenshot and I forgot to remove her Skype name. This was so stupid...
Someone messaged her, I tried to explain what I did but I couldn't.

She felt so super betrayed, but I sweated to her I would take full responsibility for what I did. I said if I will help her to get out of this situation, she will accept my sorry. I believed her, so she changed her account, I gave her tips like not accepting any friend requests and nothing happened to her.
But her trust was broken, she was super distant. I tried my best to win her back, to somehow show her it was a mistake I did. So there were differences. Sometimes she was more open, sometimes she didn't reply for days. I tried my best to prove her I was always on her side, but she became super paranoid. First she didn't tell how she felt and said "I'm okay. it's okay... don't worry about me." but she remained distant, but with time she confronted me with what I did.
I tried to apologize hundreds of times, but overtime I tried she just became more hurt and angry it seemed to me. No matter how hard I tried. She became so paranoid, she sometimes asked me if I will try to stalk her or something. It became much worse and worse.

A few days ago she said she will delete her account. I begged her not do, so she wanted to stay. But a few moments later she replied she just said wanted to stay, because she fears I would come to find her and stuff like that.
I asked her if she really wanted to leave me (she said that before already a few times, but then she finally stayed, so I thought it was the same) and if so I would delete and block her for her and I promised I wouldn't stalk her then. She didn't answer to my questions.
I waited about 2 days, asked her again, I wrote her a message where I explained her again how much I hate myself for what I did and I just want the best for her and if she's that hurt that she can't anymore I would leave her now if she wishes.
She didn't reply, so finally I said good bye and blocked her.

I don't know what to do right now, because I seriously miss her and I feel like I lost something really important. I'm so sad and I can't even imagine how bad she must feel, I just want to make it undone, but she won't trust me again and she even has reason for it. I would like to prove her I'm not lying, but it seems to be impossible now.

 

[infinite dreams]

Let's review:

First, you started off your relationship with this person by lying to her. That's generally a bad move no matter who you're dealing with, but with an INFJ it's a poison pill.

Second, you betrayed her trust by posting her information online without her permission, and to compound matters you represented her as your girlfriend.

Third, you bombarded her with messages including "hundreds of apologies" because those would certainly rectify the two mistakes above.

Ergo:

I don't know what to do right now, because I seriously miss her and I feel like I lost something really important. I'm so sad and I can't even imagine how bad she must feel, I just want to make it undone, but she won't trust me again and she even has reason for it. I would like to prove her I'm not lying, but it seems to be impossible now.

What you need to do is move on with your life, leave this person alone and learn from this series of mistakes. You're actually fortunate she still talked to you at all after the first one. The second was the icing on the cake.

 

[Littlelissa]

The fact your friendship was online, and you only knew each other online doesn't bode well. The breaking of trust and alienation that it caused is probably unbreachable because of the tentative nature of your connection. She's got nothing really to go on to know your trustable now.

 

[feelsbad]

and to compound matters you represented her as your girlfriend.

I forgot to mention she was my girlfriend a few days ago when that happened. So it wasn't really a lie.

But I see your point. I just wanted to somehow show her I wasn't manipulative or something, I made mistakes for sure. She always had problems trusting people and now she probably thinks she can't trust anyone and everyone is like me. That's why I "bombarded" her with messages. I really thought she would see that I'm not lying, but she didn't believe me anymore. Don't want her to be sad and disappointed, of course I can't make it undone, but there has to be a way to show her I changed. :/

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

Welp, you certainly screwed the pooch on that one. Show her how sorry you are by leaving her alone... forever.

 

[infinite dreams]

But I see your point. I just wanted to somehow show her I wasn't manipulative or something, I made mistakes for sure. She always had problems trusting people and now she probably thinks she can't trust anyone and everyone is like me. That's why I "bombarded" her with messages. I really thought she would see that I'm not lying, but she didn't believe me anymore. Don't want her to be sad and disappointed, of course I can't make it undone, but there has to be a way to show her I changed. :/

Unfortunately it's a virtual certainty that you can't do anything at this juncture to alleviate her disappointment. Leave her to process that on her own. Disturbing her further will only amplify the damage that's already been done.

You're obviously not proud of any of this. Use those feelings as a catalyst for change. Work on becoming a better person so that something like this doesn't happen again.

 

[acd]

Welp, you certainly screwed the pooch on that one. Show her how sorry you are by leaving her alone... forever.

This. Do this.

And learn a lesson from this as @infinite dreams suggested... Don't lie and respect other people's information! Including their pictures. Omg I would lose it on someone if I showed them my pic online and they posted it elseware... Let alone the personal info! (Even if it was an accident. When you respect someone, you protect their information.)

 

[Eventhorizon]

Awesome. I love how it's its important to know you are an intj because that has anything to do with anything here.

 

[Asa]

It's over.
You betrayed her and hurt her.
Leave her alone, learn from this moment of heartache, and move forward with your life.
As @infinite dreams suggested - use this moment as a catalyst for change. If she ever reaches out to you, or if you meet someone else, hopefully you'll be ready to be a genuine, honest, and respectful partner by that time.

 

[feelsbad]

Awesome. I love how it's its important to know you are an intj because that has anything to do with anything here.

What you mean? You think I'm totally selfish? You're probably right if so.

@infinite dreams Will leave her alone. It's sad, but it's my own fault. Probably isn't easy to deal with me. She thinks I'm a narcissist and that's probably right, so I can't blame her for hating me. A lot people didn't want me anymore sooner or later.
@Asa I will never meet someone like her again I'm sure. She was perfect I guess. But I'll try to. Do you think it's likely she will someday talk to me again because I left her alone now and so she sees I'm respecting her or is it almost impossible?

 

[Eventhorizon]

What you mean? You think I'm totally selfish? You're probably right if so.

@infinite dreams Will leave her alone. It's sad, but it's my own fault. Probably isn't easy to deal with me. She thinks I'm a narcissist and that's probably right, so I can't blame her for hating me. A lot people didn't want me anymore sooner or later.
@Asa I will never meet someone like her again I'm sure. She was perfect I guess. But I'll try to. Do you think it's likely she will someday talk to me again because I left her alone now and so she sees I'm respecting her or is it almost impossible?

No. I think that in general intjs do not like liars and they don't like to lie. From your own admission that seems to come easily to you. I personally don't like someone claiming to be an intj indicating lying is the first course of action when meeting new people or... ever actually.

 

[feelsbad]

No. I think that in general intjs do not like liars and they don't like to lie. From your own admission that seems to come easily to you. I personally don't like someone claiming to be an intj indicating lying is the first course of action when meeting new people or... ever actually.

No, I lied in the beginning because I was criminal and didn't want her to know of course. Also I stopped criminal activities, but maybe you're right. Maybe I'm not even INTJ - who knows.
I need to change a few things in my life, it's not only about her and I will probably fail, because I'm just a bad human being and there is no help for me... I didn't choose this.

 

[acd]

No, I lied in the beginning because I was criminal and didn't want her to know of course. Also I stopped criminal activities, but maybe you're right. Maybe I'm not even INTJ - who knows.
I need to change a few things in my life, it's not only about her and I will probably fail, because I'm just a bad human being and there is no help for me... I didn't choose this.

You don't sound like an inherently bad human being, but you made some mistakes. Saying things like there is no help is a cop out. You are in control of yourself. You can start over and try to learn from this, and be more aware going forward.

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

I'm just a bad human being and there is no help for me... I didn't choose this

No you're not and yes you did.

 

[Asa]

@feelsbad – INTJs do have a reputation for honesty.

Given your information about the situation, it is unlikely she will return to you. Even if she has a moment of forgiveness and reaches out, it likely will not be in the same way.
Considering she did not respond to you for many days, it is likely she door slammed you, which means she has severed ties with you for good.

You probably will not meet anyone else like her, but you should have thought about your behavior before you lied to her and betrayed her. Next time you meet someone special, don't mess it up. Perhaps lying about being a hacker was forgivable, but you followed it up with an act that violated her privacy - something INFJs (and many other kinds of people) take very seriously.

I feel bad for you, I really do, but I think it is best to accept that it is over, move on, and try to improve as a human being.
Also, you are not a "bad human being", you made some mistakes. Just learn from it and try to be better in the future.

 

[Littlelissa]

She thinks I'm a narcissist and that's probably right, so I can't blame her for hating me. A lot people didn't want me anymore sooner or later.

If this is your pattern you need to look at this. You have to be brutally honest with yourself and willing to change if you want to change it and become a better person. It's not about beating yourself up but it is about facing facts about yourself and your behaviour.

I will never meet someone like her again I'm sure. She was perfect I guess. But I'll try to.

You need to work on yourself first to have the relationship with the perfect partner. You need to embody those qualities first yourself, and stop looking to her as the magic pill that is going to make your life good, and make you feel good. You need to like yourself first...and sometimes that involves a lot of pain and stripping things away first.

Do you think it's likely she will someday talk to me again because I left her alone now and so she sees I'm respecting her

I think your being needy and need to focus on yourself.

 

[Littlelissa]

I feel bad for you, I really do, but I think it is best to accept that it is over, move on, and try to improve as a human being.
Also, you are not a "bad human being", you made some mistakes. Just learn from it and try to be better in the future

+1
Important point because beating up on yourself is not going to help you make the changes you want to make. It takes courage to face our shadow and we all have to do it at some point if we want to grow. I wish you well.

 

[James]

That wasn't true. The truth is at that time I earned my money by doing criminal stuff in Darknet.

You've made some bad choices. They're your responsibility. You say you want to change, so change. Leave her be, you've hurt her enough, and potentially put her in danger.

If you don't change ? I think this break up will feel like a small thing. It sounds like you have some talent with IT. Why not use that in a constructive and legal way. If you revert to criminal behaviour, be prepared for what's the likely outcome.

 

[biwaly]

but there has to be a way to show her I changed. :/

There is no way because people don't change.

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

There is no way because people don't change.

...they grow