i feel horrible | INFJ Forum

i feel horrible

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by youngster, May 18, 2009.

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  1. youngster

    youngster Community Member

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    so i was watching the video poasted about Geni (can't spell) and i was telling my INFJ mother about it. so we got on the the topic about abuse im the home, and i stupidly told her that that i hadn't forgivin her and my dad for hitting me when i was little. i know my mam is an amazing peorson and violence is totally out of character for her but she is really hurt.
    i totaly take it back now and on reflection it's taught me never to hit kids, i will never hold it to her and i certinly don't hate her for it.
    trouble is i find it really hard to forgive people which sucks seen as how im Christian!
    also i said that the reasons they hit me wern't just (and they wern't)
    ah i just wanna scream
    help me


    so the point is what can i say to make her (and myself) feel better. because i can see she's thinking about it. (and so am i)
     
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  2. Puck

    Puck Perilous Pixie
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    Give her a flower and tell her that you realise the past is the past. That you understand she did the best she knew how to do at the time. Then remind her about a beautiful memory of you and her from your childhood, to show that you remember the good times as well, even though it's hard.
    I doubt I can ever forgive my parents for the abuse and neglect I suffered as a child either, so I have some sense of where you're coming from, but it is important to recall the good things, as they help to balance out your judgments and put the pain you felt (and still feel) into a wider context.
    I hope you feel better.
     
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  3. OP
    youngster

    youngster Community Member

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    thank you so much
     
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  4. Satya

    Satya C'est la vie
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    How about, "I forgive you."

    Good for her, good for you, and good for God.

    Acknowledge the past, but let go of it. And just let her know what you said in that post. Life is too short and we never seem to get enough opportunities to let the people we love know how wonderful and important they are to us.

    Edit: ah, Helper Elf beat me to it.
     
  5. Pristinegirl

    Pristinegirl Well-known member

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    I can tell you one thing for in an instant! That you are not to blame for it. Neither am I in a position to judge your parents, but as good 'Christians' they should definetly have known better than to hit you. It is perfectly fine for you to speak up about it as it obviously has hurt you. So you should not say you're sorry, what so ever!! I know that you feel this guilt because you care for your mother, but you cannot take the responsibility for the pain her foreign actions puts her through Now.. Because that is only an indication that she regrets it, which she should be!

    However if you insist to ease things, you could say that you don't hold it against her because it was in the past, but that it was hurtful and that you don't understand how one can do that to a child.

    Allthough, if it was me I would have her face it and reflect upon it.
     
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    #5 Pristinegirl, May 18, 2009
    Last edited: May 18, 2009
  6. Puck

    Puck Perilous Pixie
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    .. but I like the way you put it, Satya. :)
     
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  7. Lambie

    Lambie Newbie

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    I can relate to what you're feeling. My parents were raised in the era where violent punishments were considered completely acceptable. It was all they knew and I was a difficult child, so that was how I was dealt with.

    I hated my father for years until one day, I sat down and talked with him.
    That talk with my father was what opened the lines of communication and lead me to thinking. I realized that my parents were human. They were just as fallible as I. Though I can never say that their methods were acceptable, I no longer blame or hate my parents for it.

    It took years to finally forgive them completely, but I'm thankful I did. The memories are still painful and probably always will be, but I know my parents were doing the best they could and forgiving them has only freed me and opened up the possibility for me to have the relationship with them that I have now.

    Having discussed this enough with my parents, I know that they have been much harder on themselves than I have ever been. Parents never want to hurt their children. They are doing the best they can at doing the most complicated job on earth, and it doesn't even come with an instruction manual.

    Forgiveness doesn't mean that what they did was right, that it won't have lasting affects, or it won't be painful. What it does mean is that you free yourself and open the possibility to truly heal and have a stronger healthier relationship than you have had.
     
  8. OP
    youngster

    youngster Community Member

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    thanks guys for all your kind advice
    everythings okay now
    we sorted it out
    and for the first time ever we forgave each other
     
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