I care about people so much that I resent them | INFJ Forum

I care about people so much that I resent them

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phaedra

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Jan 2, 2015
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I recently had a sort of mental clarity that made me realize something really important: I love people.(not that I didn't before, I just didn't realize the intensity) If people would accept it (the certain few that I like, as INFJs are apt to pick those "special" few) I would kiss them everyday, hug them, tell them they're great. I have no intention to hurt anyone, even strangers. Even if someone does something terrible to me (for example, this guy I used to see stole from me, another one texted my best friend while we were together, etc), I don't feel angry, I feel sad. So sad that someone could hurt me that way, because I could never, ever do that to them. I honestly just want to see people succeed, to be happy in life. But this comes to bite me in the ass a lot of times. I will understand your perspective, I will do what you want to do, I will help you at the drop of a hat, I will make sure you feel comfortable. I am ALWAYS aware of the souls around me because they all feel so tender and unique and fragile. I know that even the little things can affect the psyche. Even when I WANT to hurt someone, to manipulate, to destroy another because of pain they're caused me, I can't. I can't bring myself to hurt them. If I do, I will forever think about it. Even animals. I can remember killing a worm when I was only 7 and feeling god awful. It's their souls, they're even purer and more tender than humans'.
Hurting someone would be like hurting myself. I suppose the resentment stems from the fact that even when someone is terribly mean to me, I can't do anything about it. I know that if I reciprocate another negative action, that I will feel worse for hurting them, damaging them. So its this never-ending cycle of someone being mean, me understanding their meanness as something that has more to do with them than it does with me, and then me just casually moving on from the situation because I understand what went on, I am just so sad about it.

I really hope this makes some sort of sense. I've been typing this for a 1/2 hour or so, trying to put my crazy brain's ideas into words. I'm really just looking for a general discussion from my initial thoughts. Anything that you think or could contribute would really help, as I do love getting interesting conversations going.
 
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[MENTION=12876]phaedra[/MENTION] -- you sound like an intense version, but I think overall the psychology you display is typical of the more classic INFJ examples.

This is one of the challenges with being a deep feeler, as opposed to a deep thinker. Thinking judgment is comparably detached. In fact, the common notion that thinking and feeling are both rational deserves explication: they are so in different ways. They both are rational in the sense that they are sort of "validating" an idea, event, etc, but feeling judgment so from the standpoint of the reaction said idea, event, etc evokes in a human being, and thinking judgment from logical removal of the event from any subjective event.
In other words, one requires a human to validate it, the other is looking to remove the human from the validation almost entirely.

As a result of this, feelers tend to be less detached in their evaluations of people. It is both a useful thing and a difficult thing, because once you detach the feelings, your heart is no longer involved in the situation -- you could rationalize someone's behaviors in a detached way without responding to it through feeling, and that might "save you some hurt" -- indeed, it might render you less likely to stake your heart on those prospects which have less likelihood of success.

But the more intense feelers find being this calculating kind of kills a part of them, so they will tend not to do this. Instead of the anger and tenderness cancelling out, they will tend to experience both.
 
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[MENTION=12876]phaedra[/MENTION] -- you're describing one of the downsides to having a strong intuition and an intense need to care or feel cared for.

When people don't seem to care as much as you do, then they must all be bad, right? When they hurt you after you tried so hard not to hurt them, that must mean that they don't care about you, right?

I feel like one of the most important things that we need to do as people with strong intuitions is to use the phrase "let's see where this is going" more often to ourselves. Let's see what the other person meant or tried to do with their action. Don't lash out to hastily.

Everyone's different. Solely being with people that experience the world the same way could end up causing you more pain, sadness and loneliness than the alternative.

A little side note: You're 20 years old. There's so much going on in your mind, body and external life that I know makes everything seems overwhelming and too huge. Just know that it's going to be alright. Don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't do in the future, it really is completely up to you.
 
Give someone the opportunity to take without giving, they will. To them, your unconditional love is just a resource they will mine. They don't have to give back, so they wont.
 
Though I am only one person in the world, you may refrain from loving or liking me. You may live your own life without expending this energy of yours on me. The absence of like or love is not the same as replacing them with their opposites though.
Perhaps now you can move past resentment of at least one person on this planet.
 
[MENTION=12876]phaedra[/MENTION] - I could have written your post. I understand. It makes us vulnerable. I have tried to not be this way but have not been successful. The only advice I have for you is that you will get better at self-preservation without harming others with experience.
 
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Thanks for the amazing replies! It's great to finally start understanding what's been happening inside my head all these years. I have been trying to incorporate more Ti into my life, especially realizing now just how much my feeling has been taking over my life. When I can start thinking rationally instead of relying entirely on my feelings, I finally get answers to all the feelings I get. Instead of changing emotions tens of times during some situation, combining my thinking with feeling really does help make me more objective, less connected to that person, which I admit does feel amazing. If I can stay in that constant relaxed state, explaining my feelings with logical thoughts, I feel so at peace. Like a constant flowing river. It may be because I have been relying on my Ni throughout my life. Fe I really tried to suppress, but that only worked on the outside. My insides are an intense storm, good and bad, all day and night long. But on the outside, I am the calmest person in the world. I learned to keep this stoic face at all times, if I concentrate on it. When I was younger, so many people used to tell me that they can never read my emotions, that I was really intimidating, or that I looked really serious. Letting my Fe out little by little is helping resolve the problem.


My only real issue with everything is staying on track. If I lose energy, I immediately revery back to my old ways: feelings full of irrationality. But people are what throw me off the most. It's hard to stay myself when I'm around others. I feel like I almost blend in with the world, completely forgetting about my body and a lot about myself. What keeps me sane is inner fantasies I create in my head to stay afloat. Ni can really be amazing when one wants to retract from the world, in any situation. I completely lose sight of the outside world, almost projecting my fantasies as a movie in front of my eyes.
 
Just a minor suggestion [MENTION=12876]phaedra[/MENTION] which you can research and decide your views on: I think for intuitive feelers, developing some thinking function perspective is helpful, but I personally don't think too much of the theories that too rigidly try to suggest this type has Fe, that type has Ti, etc beyond the dominant function.

If you identify with Fe+Ti and not Fi+Te, great, but for what it's worth a variety of professionals, from those associated mainly with Jung to those associated more closely with the MBTI disagree on those models. Originally Isabel Myers thought the model was more like NiFeTeSe, Jung might even say that intuitive feeling introverts have Ni and Fi, and I find sometimes when people rigidly confirm that they have things like Ti, not Te, it is more a matter of just confirmation bias than truly what's the case.

I have a wealth of experience with this topic which I won't post too much of right now, though some of it is scattered in my other posts, and certainly if someone's interested in asking more, I'd be happy to clarify.
 
Finding a balance and not taking things so personally or too seriously will help. Caring about people is good, as is caring for yourself. If you take more responsibility for your own happiness you are less likely to become cynical and resentful toward people when you are much older than 20. I think it's great that you already asses the underlying reason for people's mistreatment having more to do with them than you. Kudos on that life lesson. Remember that they will learn lessons, too, and not all hope is lost. ;)

Also, use the word No. You can't be all things and you can't give to depletion.
 
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Oh, hello there. Where do such souls like yours lurk? I want to find some.
 
I completely relate.

I was sort of thinking along the same lines earlier. How I sort of feel the need to get emotional over everyone and everything around me or feel some sort of kinship to the rest of the world, even though nobody gives a shit or feels even remotely the same way in most all cases. And how in a way me feeling this way is just my own biological programming making me feel this way; a self-serving program which makes me want to alter the emotional state in my environment to something that is better received by me, or improve my own image towards myself so that I can view myself positively or let myself know that I am a good person. I don't resent others for this... I resent myself, almost. I have to always remind myself that feeling sorry for myself in such a way is a waste of time. That I should just be myself, enjoy my time on this earth--whatever that translates into for me--and keep in touch with what my heart tells me to do no matter what the paths that others choose are.
 
[MENTION=12876]phaedra[/MENTION]I can relate to this in almost a scary "why are you crawling around inside of my head" way. A longer reply will come later today after I get off work, but the quickest advice I can give you is this: Feeling EVERYTHING is not a bad thing. In fact, you will be able to recognize and understand things / people / world in a way that others cannot. The only issue is that you have to learn to find a balance between feeling everything and letting what you feel go. As someone who did not learn this lesson for many years growing up, you have to work on separating what you feel from what you know and let everything revolve around what you want in a situation. For instance, if I am angry at my girlfriend it becomes super easy to become aggravated at every tinge of her being short, rude, resentful, combative, etc etc. You start to notice everything they do that is WRONG and nitpick both internally in your head and sometimes externally. It isn't fair to them and it ends up hurting you in both short and long term. Learn to express your emotions in a constructive and appropriate way and then work on dealing with their replies. I cannot stress this enough: 90% of the time they are not going to care anywhere near as much as you do about what is going on. Never mistake that for them not caring! Realize that you will always be more emotional and have more feelings in every situation. INFJs have a wonderful ability to perceive what is invisible to a lot of other people. Don't let that go to your head but also don't forget that.
 
phaedra said:
In the deep recesses of our minds. ;)
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That doesn't help me find some. am I supposed to channel in with dreams. give me your dream-adress.
 
phaedra said:
I am ALWAYS aware of the souls around me because they all feel so tender and unique and fragile.
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I understand what you're saying here, and I can agree with you. But apparently you and I differ, because I see myself as outside of the vast circle of people. Simply knowing that everyone is doing alright and having a good time is enough for me. Interaction is a chore, it drains me to have to make small talk and interact with others. Education, athletics, everything on this earth is alright, but it's always the people that spoil it. As much as I want to boost people up everyday, I'd much rather do it in a secretive (almost angelic) way. For instance, if I knew that one of my female acquaintances was feeling down or was in someway being abused by another person. I'd loved to stop by her room/house sometime, unbeknownst to her, and leave some flowers or a nice (encouraging) card. No strings attached. Just to let her know that someone out there cares. No names, no phone number, just some words of encouragement. I'd much rather do that then try and find the words to compliment someone in person.
 
Hurting someone is part of life, if you can't take that responsibility and credit (for better and although it's almost alway for worse), means zero, to put it bluntly: If you can't keep your boundaries in order to see when someone is messing with you, instead of just projecting, or even, imo stating the obvious. Yeah, everyone suffers in their own way everyone is beautiful deep inside, so what? Fair game. It's not about hurting someone, it's about knowing when to say NO, when to say fuck you, even sometimes, when to throw a punch for your own sake.
Even altruism haves it's own limitations, and that in my experience, starts with lending a helping hand to your people, be there for them, wishing them well and meaning no harm, and then downright projection and a passive attitude, i don't think people have the responsibility to keep your conscience clean.

Anyway, i don't need you to see me as a gentle, fragile soul, we are here also to sweat, bleed and suffer, and if you can't accept that, then fuck it, some people need their pride to get somewhere, and even, to survive. It's a matter of respect that usually gets missing by naivete, but also lack of experience and awareness of what life really seems to be, it haves little to do with being an intuitive, or a feeler.
I don't think i should be empathetic to others just to keep my conscience away from an imaginary burden, and self absorbed guilt-tripping.
 
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BrokenDaniel said:
Hurting someone is part of life, if you can't take that responsibility and credit (for better and although it's almost alway for worse), means zero, to put it bluntly: If you can't keep your boundaries in order to see when someone is messing with you, instead of just projecting, or even, imo stating the obvious. Yeah, everyone suffers in their own way everyone is beautiful deep inside, so what? Fair game. It's not about hurting someone, it's about knowing when to say NO, when to say fuck you, even sometimes, when to throw a punch for your own sake.
Even altruism haves it's own limitations, and that in my experience, starts with lending a helping hand to your people, be there for them, wishing them well and meaning no harm, and then downright projection and a passive attitude, i don't think people have the responsibility to keep your conscience clean.

Anyway, i don't need you to see me as a gentle, fragile soul, we are here also to sweat, bleed and suffer, and if you can't accept that, then fuck it, some people need their pride to get somewhere, and even, to survive. It's a matter of respect that usually gets missing by naivete, but also lack of experience and awareness of what life really seems to be, it haves little to do with being an intuitive, or a feeler.
I don't think i should be empathetic to others just to keep my conscience away from an imaginary burden, and self absorbed guilt-tripping.
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I really like your response. It's a real and rational response to my question, and I always appreciate people who think so rationally.
 
bodhireagan said:
[MENTION=12876]phaedra[/MENTION]I can relate to this in almost a scary "why are you crawling around inside of my head" way. A longer reply will come later today after I get off work, but the quickest advice I can give you is this: Feeling EVERYTHING is not a bad thing. In fact, you will be able to recognize and understand things / people / world in a way that others cannot. The only issue is that you have to learn to find a balance between feeling everything and letting what you feel go. As someone who did not learn this lesson for many years growing up, you have to work on separating what you feel from what you know and let everything revolve around what you want in a situation. For instance, if I am angry at my girlfriend it becomes super easy to become aggravated at every tinge of her being short, rude, resentful, combative, etc etc. You start to notice everything they do that is WRONG and nitpick both internally in your head and sometimes externally. It isn't fair to them and it ends up hurting you in both short and long term. Learn to express your emotions in a constructive and appropriate way and then work on dealing with their replies. I cannot stress this enough: 90% of the time they are not going to care anywhere near as much as you do about what is going on. Never mistake that for them not caring! Realize that you will always be more emotional and have more feelings in every situation. INFJs have a wonderful ability to perceive what is invisible to a lot of other people. Don't let that go to your head but also don't forget that.
Click to expand...

I've always been trying to stop feeling, and lately have been more accepting of letting my feelings run rampant. So true when you say that most all people aren't going to care as much as me about people and situations. Thinking about people and everyone around me is something that I do for fun, something that I'm pretty good at. I'm sure other people spend their time in different ways, probably not thinking about people as much to the extent as some INFJs.
Separate what you feel from what you know... perfect advice. Definitely one of the hardest things to master.
 
phaedra said:
I recently had a sort of mental clarity that made me realize something really important: I love people.(not that I didn't before, I just didn't realize the intensity) If people would accept it (the certain few that I like, as INFJs are apt to pick those "special" few) I would kiss them everyday, hug them, tell them they're great. I have no intention to hurt anyone, even strangers. Even if someone does something terrible to me (for example, this guy I used to see stole from me, another one texted my best friend while we were together, etc), I don't feel angry, I feel sad. So sad that someone could hurt me that way, because I could never, ever do that to them. I honestly just want to see people succeed, to be happy in life. But this comes to bite me in the ass a lot of times. I will understand your perspective, I will do what you want to do, I will help you at the drop of a hat, I will make sure you feel comfortable. I am ALWAYS aware of the souls around me because they all feel so tender and unique and fragile. I know that even the little things can affect the psyche. Even when I WANT to hurt someone, to manipulate, to destroy another because of pain they're caused me, I can't. I can't bring myself to hurt them. If I do, I will forever think about it. Even animals. I can remember killing a worm when I was only 7 and feeling god awful. It's their souls, they're even purer and more tender than humans'.
Hurting someone would be like hurting myself. I suppose the resentment stems from the fact that even when someone is terribly mean to me, I can't do anything about it. I know that if I reciprocate another negative action, that I will feel worse for hurting them, damaging them. So its this never-ending cycle of someone being mean, me understanding their meanness as something that has more to do with them than it does with me, and then me just casually moving on from the situation because I understand what went on, I am just so sad about it.

I really hope this makes some sort of sense. I've been typing this for a 1/2 hour or so, trying to put my crazy brain's ideas into words. I'm really just looking for a general discussion from my initial thoughts. Anything that you think or could contribute would really help, as I do love getting interesting conversations going.
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Well, I relate to this completely. You're a highly sensitive person with a very giving soul. Sadly, most people don't resonate with that. It took me until a few months ago to understand this.
You really do feel other people's presence as if they were a part of you. When you talk to someone, a part of you meshes with them and you really can't help it.

Since I'm still figuring out how to handle sadness and betrayal, I can offer what little I know. Acceptance is key. I think it's important to recognize that their faults are not because of you; the awful things someone does to you is more about them than it is about you.
 
I relate to this. But I also think it's important to realize that these tendencies can EASILY spiral out of control and we must keep ourselves in check. As much as we want to help other people and bend ourselves around how they are- often times I "adapt" my personality to get along with different types of people because I truly want there to be harmony- it has to be understood that in many ways it's a form of codependency. Also wanting to please people as others have mentioned is a form of trying to built your own self esteem- and it can often fail when people are not appreciative or grateful for your efforts, you feel like a failure. That is the major flaw of setting up expectations for how other people should act, which I have often do. You also need to realize often it's really important NOT to help people- and more so- help yourself when helping other people would tax you no matter how much it would benefit someone else. Living selfless in many ways is just selfish, too. I don't know I've been really working on this tendency of mine lately. I have absolutely no boundaries and harbor a lot of anger and resentment because of that.
 
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