how to get him to listen to me and validate my opinions?

[Morgain]

I don't know, maybe I'm too critical but I feel like I can't have a decent conversation with my boyfriend (with whome I have a relationship of 1 month).

It seems to me that he doesn't listen, really listen. Most of the times when I try to say something important to me, he makes a joke out of it or he starts talking about something else as if I haven't said anything. I have to push really hard to get his attention and then he becomes defensive and takes over the conversation. Gives me the feeling that I'm stupid. It feels like he is my father sometimes. Probably because he is 9 years older? He is soo sure off his point of view, his future is fixed and I have no influence on it.

every disagreement we have seems to be my fault:
I am to sensitive (emotionaly and physicaly)
I should be more relaxed with physical touch than I am right now
I react to emotionaly on everything
he can't do anything right
I'm to serious because I don't laugh with his jokes
I'm the one with the problems all the time

I told him that I don't like to be interrupted when I'm talking, that it feels like he is not listening, that he don't care. He says he knows he should pay attention to it but that I'm wrong in assuming he is not listening when he is interrupting me. But yeah, he still is interrupting me, he still doesn't give me his attention. It is like it doesn't matter whether I tell him things or not. Like he don't care to know what I have to say, what is on my mind, the things I know seem not important.

being with him makes me so tired because he is talking ALL THE TIME and the only thing I can do is agree with what he says. He always asks my approval. All I can say is yes, yes, yes, all the time.

I fear that if I let him carry on, I will loose my self respect. I will believe I'm stupid and something is wrong with me and that he is superior than me

He is a very nice, caring man, he is everything I ever hoped for and I really know that he doesn't intend to make me feel stupid or inferior. But nonetheless his behavior makes me feel that way and I don't know how to make him understand this without making him defensive. I'm probably overreacting but I have no idea how to ignore my feelings of discomfort or talk about them without coming across as a psychotic instable woman...

I have spend one night and one day with him this weekend and I'm completely stressed out. I can't sleep with him next to me. I jump in the air when he suddenly touches me in places I'm not used to be touched and now I can't stop thinking about this communication problem I have with him. I really can't wrap my mind around it.

Maybe it all comes down to the fact that I seem to loose touch with myself when I'm with him.
I try to adapt myself to his wishes
+ he gives me the feeling that I'm wrong about many things which harms my feeling of trust in myself
+ I have to share my body with him

who am I and do I have the right to be myself?

where can I draw the line between adapting myself to him and defending the right to be myself?
when I adapt i get stressed, when I defend I feel egocentric

 

[Gaze]

Can totally relate. My partner listens but he also does that thing where he wants me to confirm his view. And I also worry about giving in to his opinion and feeling less independent as times goes by. I'm probaly not the best person to advise since I have the same struggles but you should have a partner who cares aout and respects you. And you should only feel comfortable with his touch when you are ready, not when he thinks you should be ready. I've thought about separating from my partner for a bit so that I can breathe and regain a sense of self and separateness from him. The thought of this makes me feel more relaxed and at ease but I feel as if I don't have the will power to do it. @Morgain *hugs*

 

[invisible]

why do you need a relationship so much that you are willing to feel this way? sorry to be blunt but i don't know how else to put it! wouldn't you rather be alone and getting on with all the exciting possibilities of life, including maybe meeting someone who cares about your feelings?

 

[Morgain]

know he loves me and cares for me. He is very conciderate with me for instance regarding sex. I only have a problem to get through to him when he has set his mind on something else.

in every relationship you have problems to overcome, compromises to make. No relationship will be completely how you picture it.

I don't believe there is anyone alive with whome I can have a problem free relationship. All people are different in the way they think, feel and communicate and you
Ialways have to find a common ground. And that is my problem right now. I haven't found a common ground yet (which is not so surprizing since we are only dating for 1 month).
I'm a mess when it comes to communication. I have tried to communicate this with him but I haven't find a way to get through to him.

 

[the]

I dont think you should be trying to change him. Thats who he is, accept him or dont.

 

[Gaze]

know he loves me and cares for me. He is very conciderate with me for instance regarding sex. I only have a problem to get through to him when he has set his mind on something else.

in every relationship you have problems to overcome, compromises to make. No relationship will be completely how you picture it.

I don't believe there is anyone alive with whome I can have a problem free relationship. All people are different in the way they think, feel and communicate and you
Ialways have to find a common ground. And that is my problem right now. I haven't found a common ground yet (which is not so surprizing since we are only dating for 1 month).
I'm a mess when it comes to communication. I have tried to communicate this with him but I haven't find a way to get through to him.

Agree, which is what makes it so difficult. I do want to be with my partner rather than anyone else. I'm sure like any other couple, if we stay together, we will have problems. I've only been in the relationship for a few months myself, but I worry about the future. I wonder how we will deal with difficulties or conflicts later on if we don't learn to compromise today. You're right [MENTION=1591]Morgain[/MENTION] that finding common ground is key.

Have you tried bringing these concerns up with him, as in "We need to talk . . . "?

 

[Morgain]

I dont think you should be trying to change him. Thats who he is, accept him or dont.

I am who I am and yet he tries to change me ...

if he doesn't change a bit and a doesn't change a bit then we will never find common ground and we can best stop trying. Both parties need to put some water in the wine to make a relationship work.

Agree, which is what makes it so difficult. I do want to be with my partner rather than anyone else. I'm sure like any other couple, if we stay together, we will have problems. I've only been in the relationship for a few months myself, but I worry about the future. I wonder how we will deal with difficulties or conflicts later on if we don't learn to compromise today. You're right @Morgain that finding common ground is key.

Have you tried bringing these concerns up with him, as in "We need to talk . . . "?

I have started ones about the "not listening part". And then he acknowledged that he should pay attention that he doesn't interrupt me. And then he talked about that both are entitled to have an opinion and both need to make some compromizes. So he knows how it works. It is only even when he talkes about these things it is still like my father is talking to me teaching me about life and not two adults listening to eachothers opinions and viewpoints ...

 

[invisible]

i think you should read over the things you are writing and consider them more critically. you say that he is kind, and yet he belittles and dismisses your feelings, blames you for disagreements between the two of you, doesn't listen to you, and tells you that you have heaps of problems. he either makes jokes that are inappropriate and unfunny or you just plain do not find him funny at all. he either touches you in a way that is weird and inappropriate, or you don't like him touching you. you say that he only doesn't listen to you when he's got something else on his mind, and yet it seems as though this might be all of the time, considering that you also say that you don't seem to be able to find common ground with him. you are worried about losing your self respect but to me it sounds very much as though you didn't have it to start with, as you are willingly putting yourself through a relationship that seems to be providing you with very little comfort or encouragement or pleasure. what kind of relationship do you really want, and should it be this difficult right at the beginning, before it's hardly even started? i just think you should think about these things seriously.

 

[Nixie]

I think [MENTION=1814]invisible[/MENTION] makes some good points in the post above.

It is difficult to muddle thru what are your issues and what are his issues and then get a handle on the couple issues. It seems you have identified a great deal of things that bother you. Perhaps the first step is to just try and work out one issue--the one that bothers you the most. It seems that it would be the fact that you don't believe he listens to you. I usually try and write stuff down--something about the process helps me to organize my thoughts. Once written down that may help you clarify what the major concerns are and then you can begin the discussion with a level head. I certainly think that if you want to to make the relationship work that communicating now with him is key. One month isn't very long and you are still in the "getting to know" stage.

 

[Morgain]

i think you should read over the things you are writing and consider them more critically. you say that he is kind, and yet he belittles and dismisses your feelings, blames you for disagreements between the two of you, doesn't listen to you, and tells you that you have heaps of problems. he either makes jokes that are inappropriate and unfunny or you just plain do not find him funny at all. he either touches you in a way that is weird and inappropriate, or you don't like him touching you. you say that he only doesn't listen to you when he's got something else on his mind, and yet it seems as though this might be all of the time, considering that you also say that you don't seem to be able to find common ground with him. you are worried about losing your self respect but to me it sounds very much as though you didn't have it to start with, as you are willingly putting yourself through a relationship that seems to be providing you with very little comfort or encouragement or pleasure. what kind of relationship do you really want, and should it be this difficult right at the beginning, before it's hardly even started? i just think you should think about these things seriously.

things are not as black and white as you put it. If he did "belittled and dismisses me" in a crued way than that would be the end of it. But it isn't that black. I don't know how to make this clear. He is kind and friendly but still I feel like he is my father at times and I have to work hard to make my opinion count.

and the relationship does give me comfort and encouragement and pleasure. To be honest this relationship is the one with the least problems at the start and the most comfort for me. But still, there is this little disconnection that I would like to be solved but don't know how.

the core of the problem really is that I'm afraid he will continue with making decissions about his life without my input. That I can follow or not. Maybe it is just my imagination running overtime. I don't know. I'm confused...

It is difficult to muddle thru what are your issues and what are his issues and then get a handle on the couple issues. ...

that is probably the main part of my question. Are it mine issues or his issues? Can I talk about this with him and point him out to the problems I see or should I just carry on like we are doing and learn to live with the issue

I'm probably to critical and perfectionistic. I know I'm perfectionistic and ALWAYS see ways for improvement and it is hard for me to be content when things can still be improved. Maybe I'm just overreacting. I don't know anymore. I have no idea when to compromize and when not. I have never known this...


I sound like a psychotic unstable bitch

this is what I look like in stress ...

 

[invisible]

ok!! cool. sorry i misunderstood

 

[Nixie]

I will say that very manipulative people will make you feel like it is all in "your head" and then of course, if you know that it is a problem that you have--well, it becomes confusing.

I think that taking the time to figure stuff out is good. I would continue to work at voicing your concerns to him. I always think that pointing out stuff that hurts you when it happens is a good idea. You know what though, if it is something that bothers you, regardless if you are being sensitive, it should be something that you should be able to talk about with someone you are in a relationship with.

Perhaps he is carrying around baggage from another relationship. Perhaps he is sensitive to feeling criticized and shuts down emotionally. This is all the stuff that needs to be worked out. It may not be so much that he is unwilling to hear you, as much as it is he has his own issues that go haywire when stuff comes up. It is only thru honest and open communication that you will find the answers to your questions. A lot of times, we get hung up on the idea that is all about "us" without thinking that there may be underlying issues with the other person that we are unaware of. His jokes may be a way of diffusing anxiety he feels.

I would encourage you to both learn to share with each other and reach that middle ground.

I know what it is like to be harsh on yourself. You do no good to berate yourself for your feelings. You seem very stable and reasonable to me in the posting I have witnessed--I sincerely doubt you are a psycho....(no comment on the bitch part *jokes*)

 

[slant]

Examine your motives

I think that you have identified the problem here yourself quite clearly: the age gap between you and your boyfriend.

That's what is causing all of the problems. It has nothing really to do with the type of person that your boyfriend is; it's a rather common problem for women dating older men to feel like they are being fathered and that their opinions do not merit as much worth as their older companion. The best thing to do is toughen up and stick with your opinions even if he disagrees with them- it shows strength, and if you were with someone your own age...wouldn't you do the same thing? If you'd back down then, too, you've got some serious issues.

I think I'd really like to recommend most important of all that you examine your motivations for dating such an older man. It could be love, it probably is love, but there are some people who date older men because of a psychological craving for a relationship with an older male figure that they never had and thus they project all of these broken feelings onto a father-like relationship with benefits. It's actually really common for women who date older men to go to counseling first and kind of check the waters to make sure they are really mentally stable and okay with a relationship and are not using it to substitute for other problems in their life.

You two might benefit from couples counseling or something...how much can you really solve of this problem by yourself? You've already demonstrated that talking to him does not work. It is so early on in the relationship that depending on how long you have been romantically involved, and by that I mean, perhaps you were flirting in friendship before actually entering a relationship for quite a while, things like this shouldn't be happening. You should still be dazzled by everything he does and so blinded by the love and hopeless romanticism that you can't see the flaws and the problems. If you are seeing flaws and problems right now, later down the road they are only going to get bigger when you are comfortable in the relationship and things haven't changed. You really need to be cautious here and do some deep inner reflection.

I don't know you personally or your situation and I just can't give you flat out advice. Honestly, I liked what invisible said, but you argued so viciously with what invisible had to say that I think you might want to ask yourself WHY you did that and you wouldn't consider the possibility of what invisible was saying. Are you having a mind-block and not able to look at this rationally? Is there something else you're not thinking of or mentioning and that's why you are so adverse to any sort of thoughts anyone has on the situation? When people get defensive about their relationships, a lot of the time it's because there is a deep-seated insecurity within themselves about it too. I can see that you're insecure with your relationship because reading your posts, you're frantic about the problems and second-guessing yourself to the point that it might induce mania. How did you feel before this relationship? What new stresses is this bringing to the plate, or do you always react to things this way? You need to take care of yourself first before resolving this problem. I hope you can figure it all out, too.

 

[Norwich]

@Morgain; and @Rite; I admire you both.
It took me much longer to identify the specific issues that caused me discomfort regarding my relationship with my husband. It was probably because I was too busy trying to live a fairy tale. Also, I can relate to many of your concerns. My husband interrupts a lot and can easily become defensive. He used to be horrible at active listening. He wouldn't comment on the things I expressed but simply move on to wherever his next train of thought led. This combined with his constant interruptions, left me feeling disrespected. When I tried to tell him how I felt he would get real defensive, and start highlighting all my issues. I know without a shadow of doubt, that he loves me with all his being. Yet, I haven't always "felt" that love. When someone shows little interest in my thoughts it's hard for me to feel affection. Intellectually I can see all the ways he demonstrates his love for me, but at times I desperately want to feel without thinking.

I will try to relate the important changes we have made that have enabled us to remain together. First for me, it was important to recognize the difference I highlighted above. Just because I wasn't feeling loved at the moment, didn't mean he wasn't loving me. This helped me to remain calm. I also explained to him how important active listening is to me. This I had to do numerous times. It took him a while before he was able to keep this notion present during our conversations. But looking back, I have empathy for him. He had to relearn some patterns of behavior he had followed his whole life. Regarding the interrupting, I doubt he will ever really be able to change this completely. He is very impulsive. I recognize that and do my best not to take it personally when interrupts me. But I can't help how I feel and at times I need to express that. He has finally gotten to a place where he can hear my feelings, apologize, offer some assurance that he does respect me, and then we move on.

It took a long time for us to figure out how to circumvent our defensiveness. Again though, I think it started with the knowledge of the difference between knowing and feeling. Just because I feel a certain way doesn't mean he has caused me to feel that way. As a child, his family often used guilt trips to try and control each other. Because of that it was important for him build a way to defend himself against statements that caused him a sense of guilt. I grew up in a similar environment. So it took us both a while to stop getting defensive immediately after hearing a statement starting with "I feel ..." Actually, truth be told, if one of us is tired or having a bad day it can still happen. But because we understand the dynamic, the other usually recognizes it and can defuse the situation before it escalates into a fight.

I hope my experience proves in someway beneficial to you.

 

[not sure]

I have sympathy for you Morgain.

The truth is that we all have poor communication habits, make incorrect assumptions and subtly try to control each other. It's really difficult to know when it's honest miscommunication or something more sinister. Having experienced verbal abuse myself I am extraordinarily sensitive to it. I'm also guilty of doing it too. Surprise!

You need to combine listening to your gut and rational thinking. If your intuition says some thing is off then you have to rationally decide what it is and whether it can be fixed. Then you'll have to talk about it. How do you get him to discuss it with you without putting up his own defences? I really don't know. My only suggestions are not to be judgemental and deal with the issues as they arise keeping in mind if he is in a receptive mood at the time. Timing can make a difference. You also need to make sure that you understand what he's saying to you. It's really easy to hear a sentence and think you understand what someone means. If there is doubt get clarification. If you come to the conclusion it really is abusiveness raising its ugly head then you need to make a choice.

This is a very interesting thread and I hope others will chime in with their ideas. I could stand to learn a lot.

 

[Morgain]

I think that taking the time to figure stuff out is good. I would continue to work at voicing your concerns to him. I always think that pointing out stuff that hurts you when it happens is a good idea. You know what though, if it is something that bothers you, regardless if you are being sensitive, it should be something that you should be able to talk about with someone you are in a relationship with.

I would encourage you to both learn to share with each other and reach that middle ground.

I know what it is like to be harsh on yourself. You do no good to berate yourself for your feelings. You seem very stable and reasonable to me in the posting I have witnessed--I sincerely doubt you are a psycho....(no comment on the bitch part *jokes*)

thank you! I think I always wonder wether I have the permission to point out the stuff that hurts me. Often people tell me that I'm too sensitive, too easily hurt and too critical. It is like they then take away my right to feel this way and to ask for understanding

@Morgain; and @Rite; I admire you both.
It took me much longer to identify the specific issues that caused me discomfort regarding my relationship with my husband. It was probably because I was too busy trying to live a fairy tale. Also, I can relate to many of your concerns. My husband interrupts a lot and can easily become defensive. He used to be horrible at active listening. He wouldn't comment on the things I expressed but simply move on to wherever his next train of thought led. This combined with his constant interruptions, left me feeling disrespected. When I tried to tell him how I felt he would get real defensive, and start highlighting all my issues. I know without a shadow of doubt, that he loves me with all his being. Yet, I haven't always "felt" that love. When someone shows little interest in my thoughts it's hard for me to feel affection. Intellectually I can see all the ways he demonstrates his love for me, but at times I desperately want to feel without thinking.

I will try to relate the important changes we have made that have enabled us to remain together. First for me, it was important to recognize the difference I highlighted above. Just because I wasn't feeling loved at the moment, didn't mean he wasn't loving me. This helped me to remain calm. I also explained to him how important active listening is to me. This I had to do numerous times. It took him a while before he was able to keep this notion present during our conversations. But looking back, I have empathy for him. He had to relearn some patterns of behavior he had followed his whole life. Regarding the interrupting, I doubt he will ever really be able to change this completely. He is very impulsive. I recognize that and do my best not to take it personally when interrupts me. But I can't help how I feel and at times I need to express that. He has finally gotten to a place where he can hear my feelings, apologize, offer some assurance that he does respect me, and then we move on.

It took a long time for us to figure out how to circumvent our defensiveness. Again though, I think it started with the knowledge of the difference between knowing and feeling. Just because I feel a certain way doesn't mean he has caused me to feel that way. As a child, his family often used guilt trips to try and control each other. Because of that it was important for him build a way to defend himself against statements that caused him a sense of guilt. I grew up in a similar environment. So it took us both a while to stop getting defensive immediately after hearing a statement starting with "I feel ..." Actually, truth be told, if one of us is tired or having a bad day it can still happen. But because we understand the dynamic, the other usually recognizes it and can defuse the situation before it escalates into a fight.

I hope my experience proves in someway beneficial to you.

this is actually EXACTLY what I'm talking about ... only without the emotional load ;-)

especially this:

He wouldn't comment on the things I expressed but simply move on to wherever his next train of thought led.

that really sets me off so much. To me he then gives the expression that he doesn't care at all whether I'm there or not. I'm just a wall he is talking too. I think indeed that the problem is not that he doesn't love me or doesn't care for me. I'm completely sure in my gut that he really cares for me. That is without question! He is probably unaware that his communication style makes me really feel disrespected. I think I should learn to ask clarification first instead of assuming that the way he makes me feel isn't necessarily what he intended.

Thanks a lot, all your replies makes me see the core of my issue more clearly. I only have to find a way to make him understand how I feel about this and together work out a solution. I actually did the same thing before with my bff who also interrupted me constantly. It took a great deal of talking before she understood but now we know what the other person needs and try to take that into calculation. If she now interrupts me again, I look at her in a certain way and we both start laughing . I hope I can talk this out with my boyfriend in the same way.

 

[Wyote]

It's a lot of effort for most men to verbally validate another person's words. The male mind set is more task/idea oriented.

I would venture a guess that he is simply not adding in comments like "I understand that" or "I see where you are coming from" and not giving directly corrolated input before contributing something of a slightly different nature. This has nothing to do with him not caring, which you seem to fully understand. I think it is just a difference in how men and women attempt to bond verbally.

Try to be patient with him, and request that he take that extra step in his narrative with you.

 

[sassafras]

Morgain,

I know you have stated that the situation is not simply black and white and that there is a side to your boyfriend that we cannot see from where we are sitting. I do acknowledge this and can appreciate that we may have an easier time detaching from the experience because we neither know nor care for this person as deeply as you do. But there is a reason why you decided to outline your post the way you did: this behaviour bothers you. And it bothers you to the point that you've explicitly stated that you're afraid that you're going to lose your self-respect and jeopardize your self-confidence.

That statement alone brought up major red-flags for me.

In my opinion, your own self confidence and self-respect is something that no other person--no matter what your relationship with them-- should ever endanger. Not a mother, not a father, not a sibling, not a significant other. The self is sacred. It is what dictates your capacity to love yourself genuinely and wholly, and what allows you to care for other people genuinely and wholly. This is the essence of your being. It goes first because it is the lens through which you experience the world and through which the world experiences you.

If you have tried speaking to your boyfriend about your concerns and he continues to 'make jokes of it' or 'talk about something else' this indicates that he does not take you and your feelings very seriously. There is no other way to interpret it. And I find this immensely troubling.

I have no doubt that he is a kind person in other capacities (truly, I have never met a person who is unkind in every manner). But I do not know him in these other capacities and therefore it is not my place to judge him about what kind of person he is as a whole. What I do know is, however, that healthy relationships require partners to communicate and listen to each other openly and freely, and that both partners must feel good about themselves when they are in each others' company.

I am going to be honest and say that your self-doubt makes me uneasy. I do not know if you are 'too sensitive;' I do not know if you are 'too serious'; I do not know if 'you're the one with problems all the time.' But in my opinion, I do not think any of those things matter, nor do I think they are wrong if they're true. If you're a sensitive person, you're a sensitive person. If you're not really a touchy-feely person, you're not a touchy-feely person. If you don't find certain jokes funny, you don't find certain jokes funny. All the things you've listed are personal traits; they make you who you are. If this partner is making you question whether or not these things are 'right' or 'wrong,' than I am not certain that this relationship is a healthy one.

The other, flip-side of the same coin is that your personalities/communication styles may simply be incompatible. Partners' similarities and differences should compliment one another, not overpower one another. You see that at work here on the forums, after all. Some personalities just don't get along and it's nobody's fault. Perhaps this might be the case here; perhaps you and your boyfriend are too different a pair of personalities to click on a level of deeper commitment?

In either case, I think slant makes a good point. Sometimes we stay in relationships because we worry that we won't find someone else and we'll end up alone; better the devil we know than no one at all. I'm not saying conclusively that this is the case with you, because I do not know you, but it would be prudent if you were to take a good look at your reasons for staying in this relationship. At times like these, it's important to consider your head before you consider your heart. Especially in the first few months of a relationship when your entire body is buzzing with lots of feel-good chemicals and emotions, and that emotional high makes you almost too to eager to look past the other person's flaws and all the little things that would make you otherwise uncomfortable.

Instead, it is my humble opinion that you stay with a person because they make you feel good about yourself for all the right reasons; because they love you just the way you are; because they honor and respect you; because they encourage you to stay positive; because they give love in the same measure that they take love. These things almost always come with genuine feelings of love and devotion. But feelings of love alone doesn't necessarily guarantee respect, happiness or self-love. Being in love with the wrong person is so ridiculously easy and quick, that it's almost cliche.

Regardless of what you choose to do, whether you choose to stay with this man or leave him, I think you have a lot of soul-searching to do; both with your relationship with your partner and the relationship you have with yourself. In the meantime, I can only wish you the best of luck.

 

[Niefankaz]

I just wanted to re-affirm some of the suggestions of other wise souls.

who am I and do I have the right to be myself?

where can I draw the line between adapting myself to him and defending the right to be myself?

You have a 100% inalienable right to be your authentic self in your relationship. Adapting to him is not a healthy mindset. As his lover, it is your duty to have your own viewpoints, your own feelings, your own life, and THEN love him and care for him. In a mutually-validating relationship, there is no reason to sacrifice your identity. Instead, you'll simply be natural self while making an effort to give to your partner and serve your partner.

Obviously he cares for you. But relationships exist in the real world, and he may not have the wisdom to effectively implement that caring. Patiently listening to your partner's thoughts and respecting them is part of caring. Obviously there are issues that each of us gets passionate about...but if the interruption is a habit, then accept that part of him, let go of your negative feelings, and transition into a purely platonic friendship.

may you find peace,
joel

 

[Morgain]

I'm starting to believe that the problem is mine

I think the problem is that I'm afraid of being manipulated and made powerless. It is no coincidence that he reminds me of my father at times. My father always undermined my own decissions and reasoning. Not that it lead to dramatic situations or abuse. I know he loved me and cared for me. But by doing so he took away my own will power and made me helpless.

Since I have moved out and lived on my own for two years I really learned that my own opinion is valid and doesn't lead into disasters. I learned that I can trust myself and that my decissions will lead me in the direction I need and want to go.

But my newly found self respect is still frigile and this new relationship with a partner who has a lot of self trust maybe has triggered old patterns, killed my self respect. Not because he ment to do it but because that is how I'm used to act. Because I was never strong enough to fight against my father, I'm used to yield.

So now I see how I'm acting and I'm affraid that I'm going the same road as before. That is what is freaking me out, I don't want to go there again! I know that there is an other way, that I'm entitled to trust myself, but I don't know whether I'll have the strength now to fight for my right.

I can easily step out of this relationship but then I'm running away from my problems again but I will have to learn it eventually. I have learned how to respect myself when I'm alone, maybe this is the ideal time to do it in a relationship. I don't know him well enough to know his caracter but deep down I somehow know that he is inherently good, means it well with me and loves me.