I'm pretty introverted, and I'm not really very happy in casual social settings, where the primary focus of being together is effectively meeting people in the context of small talk and the usual social games that go on in these sort of situations. What works well for me is to join groups that have a particular focus and purpose, where the things that we are doing provide the framework for people coming together and sharing. The church groups I belong to are like that, and the work project teams I belonged to and ran before I retired were also like that. I find that these sort of groupings bridge the gap between people who are quite different temperamentally and we come to value the way the differences are complementary - I find that my longer standing friendships have often been born in these sorts of situations.
The forum is rather like the sort of group that I'm thinking of, though it's purpose may be more diffuse than those. It's here to bring together people who are closest to INFJ in type and give them a social space where they can be in a relative majority for once in their lives, and where they can explore their own personality orientation without the sort of clash that they encounter all the time in communities where they are usually in a minority of one. By 'clash' I don't mean argument, but where they continually feel they have to give way to other personality orientations, otherwise they are not understood. By their nature, the INFJ outlook has much in common with xNFx types in general, and that attracts these here as well, along with xNTx types who enjoy the vibe this creates and have similar problems in the world at large. For some of us, this may be the first time in our lives that we do not feel in a social minority, and on the periphery.
I think that's crucial and a pattern I see in a lot of the responses.
@slant -- Sorry to see that edgy teddy bear tried to derail your thread with his usual pointless rants.
I connect by opening up to the possibility of a trusting relationship. It's a kind of phase of moderate trust, so to speak, just as a preliminary to giving my full trust. I start sharing more personal things about myself, from time to time and sometimes with a humorous tinge, and see if the other party does as well.
Openness is fundamental to this--asking a lot of questions, being interested in what the other person has to say.
Hard to say how to build a community, as I have never 'built' one.
Openness and kindness are key, of course, but also, no doubt, an ability to make strong decisions when the community is being affected by toxicity. When it comes to this forum, this means also trusting your mods to make the right decision in such cases. The fact that the mods here consult each other constantly and make decisions collectively is very reassuring and very healthy.
These are key, too.
I didn't share my own perspective so I think I will now to facilitate further conversation and cuz I want to contribute of course.
My experience with building community starts probably when I was 15, around the time that I joined this forum. I helped to start a nonprofit organization for the children of parents or people who were in recovery that was less of a support group like Al anon and more about promoting a sense of wellbeing with these children and teens, giving them a community and place to go and hang out so that we could build their self esteem which in my experience is that #1 factor in whether a person turns to drugs or alcohol in an unhealthy way.
In that group we had structure and tradition and in my opinion that's a core component of any successful community. More importantly, everyone had a say and we voted on decisions so it gave us a feeling of ownership and investment.
You see this a lot in corporate cultures that are successful as well, like WinCo for example, giving employees actual stakes in the company gives them motivation to fight for it. You have to have a certain level of personal investment to want to see a community thrive and nurture it.
Food is central, I think. Which has been a point of contention for me because of my issues around food but many successful communities have food traditions, whether it just be sharing a meal together, cooking together or having a specific type of food that is only eaten during the time that the community assembles. The book I'm reading by a rabbi mentioned in terms of solidifying a tradition, the more senses that are involved the more effective it is and that's true.
Another example of a community I was part of was a specific open mic circuit. It had a way stronger sense of community than the others that I went to and I attribute that to two things:
A) a strong sense of tradition that bolstered the community feeling
And
B) leadership that defined the culture and enforced it
Myself, and a fellow INFJ comedian, had a difficult time with B. We are both STRONG proponents of freedom of speech and a comedian got banned from the open mic for being a racist and making others feel unsafe, despite the fact that he never actually said anything specifically racist on stage. He was a master manipulator and later through my own research I did realize that he was a white supremacist, but there was never any proof provided by the host, and it seemed like accusations because of that.
I fought against the host at that time on principle and I'm not sure if I regret that because I think decisions like that should be challenged if nobody speaks up at all, however over time I've realized it was the right decision to make and I fully understand why it was done.
In order for a community to be successful there has to be that sense of culture as well as safety. The culture has to be defined:
This is what this group is about and this is what is expected of you as being a member of this group. This is what we value and this is what will not be tolerated.
It is then up to those in leadership positions to enforce those codes of conducts, and as members of those communities we submit to John Locke's social contract: this is how we must behave if we want to be part of this community, we consent to certain freedoms we have on an individual level being suspended in order to do so.
In my experience, whether it be a workplace or a voluntary socializing community, it will fail if either the culture is not defined OR the culture is defined but not reenforced. Both are vital.
And unfortunately we are not all good fits for a community. This, too, is something I learned the hard way. I have been part of online communities where I did not really fit in with the culture but I wanted to belong and tried to stick around. This resulted in endless conflict, usually ending with the admins putting their foot down and banning me- not because I had broken and rule but because there were such character clashes that the preexisting members didn't feel like it was a fun place anymore to write and I had essentially broken down the unison of the group by my presence.
The point is simply: if the group defines it's culture and you do not agree with it, attempting to change it single handedly will either result in you being kicked out of the community or the entire community being broken down over it. There is a degree of respect required to be part of a community and this is why it is said some people don't "play well with others" or "work well in groups" because if you are unwilling to submit to what you don't agree to for the sake of preservation of the fabric of the group you are in turn destroying it.
