How to create connection and community

As long as I have just a few close relationships, I don't feel lonely or lacking for community. I remember being a kid and moving around a lot and asking my mom one day how to make friends. She suggested I take my craft box outside and make some bracelets. That people would come around, then. (I was really into friendship bracelets then lol). And that's what I did..I sat on the first floor balcony with my craft box and worked on my bracelets until I forgot I was trying to make friends and then I noticed kids started to come up and see what I was doing. Then I made friends and got involved with the neighborhood kids. I think I still abide by this to a degree. I tend to focus on my objectives and yet also make myself available, or put myself out there. I have been working from home for years so I don't regularly interact with co-workers. I've had former co-workers in this job tell me before that was very difficult for them but I think I thrive that way. Even when I did work in an office with coworkers I preferred to keep to myself and focus on my work. I did make friends at work (I met my best friend at work years before I started working from home) eventually but I never really went out of my way to do it. It just happened organically while I was focusing on my work, yet still being friendly with everyone. I guess I'm saying friendship happens when you don't really make a point to make friends--but when you focus on your interests and goals while putting yourself out there and being friendly. At least in my experience.

 

Makes sense. I oddly find that the more I try to connect with people and get them to like me, the less successful I am. If I just do my own thing people always seem to come along in my obliviousness-- but I'm glad to welcome them instead of being distracted. I do need a lot of alone time to spend on my interests though so there's a balance to be found for that. For me, focusing on trying to make friends just means I act weird lol. But I'm also pretty introverted.

 

Quality over quantity. I believe there are plenty of people who masquerade as "kind" folks so I'm a bit discerning for who I pull for my inner circle. I think connection will happen depending on what strikes a chord with you and enough "familiarity"/similarities that you feel comfortable with someone. Some people are just intuitively better at reading people in general or specific people, and these people can be quite talented at building bridges that connect others (if willing). I've opened up slowly in my own ways at the pace in which I feel good with. What's worked for me is following my gut about people but tempering it with observations because people often lie (sometimes intentionally and sometimes unaware of themselves). If you watch people's actions it often tells you everything you need to know about them. I think matching values is somewhat of a necessary pre-requisite to a degree. I think fostering a community where people are genuinely compassionate towards each other, with shared experiences, willingness to share vulnerabilities and jokes help with this. However, I do think a real connection also means calling people out on their bullshit at times and assisting them in seeing them in flaws in their reasoning/thinking/perspective/behaviors - people who inspire growth in ourselves.

 

Not sure if that's a good way of putting it as much as I think this is a condition of human nature. In general, a person's own narrative is unreliable/untrustworthy. Everyone has their own subjective bias and we all like to be the heroes of on our stories. Many people would rather be written as the hero in their story rather than acknowledge their flaws. But a real connection means a tribe/community committed to your continual growth and telling you when your narrative is inaccurate.

 

A few things that have helped me feel more connected within my community:

I live in a small community and saying hello to people I meet in the neighbourhood. Some people I know a bit better and we sometimes stop to talk a few minutes. I don't expect anything from these interactions or want to force a friendship but even saying hello feels good.

There's a few older people in my area and if I see them I sometimes ask them if they need anything from the shops. Also, if they seem lonely I try to spend a little time with them and listen to what they have to say.

I'm trying to support businesses in the community by shopping locally. It's a bit more expensive but I think it would be a loss to the community if these shops closed. The human interaction in these local shops is nice and I notice that I feel more connected when shopping locally.

 

I suppose you can think of it that way. Depends on a matter of perspective - I'm of the opinion not everyone deserves your trust and that to a degree, trust should be earned and not freely given. I'm sure some other people would disagree with this notion. Do you just let anyone come into your candy store and steal everything? Hahaha because I certainly wouldn't unless I've vetted someone personally. Someone else's favorable opinion of an individual may not change my opinion of that person. Trust is important in any foundation of a connection. If that trust is gone, your connection is fair game to end

 

I am an expert in not creating connection and community, so you can just do the opposite of what I do.

What I do is: Appear cold and only talk if spoken to. Never go out of your way to initiate any contact. Have the air of superiority and cool detachment.

Granted, there are some people that do seem to stick around with for some reason, and with those you usually connect on a deep level.

 

No, I live with a girlfriend. Besides her I have two good friends and a few other casual acquaintances.

To be honest, intimacy/connection is not really that hard to build if the other party is interested in it. You just need to share some personal details, ask personal questions, listen without judgement, give them feedback etc.

Community, I have no idea how to build.

 

Yeah, you're 100% right. Living with someone is great because you have your social needs fulfilled, so you can focus on other things instead.

When I was living alone, I was often daydreaming about being with others.

 

By the way @slant, which MBTI type you currently identify with?

 

It's just interesting to see your transformation during my irregular stay on this forum. When I first joined you almost came across as an ESTP or something. You were very, hmm, sexual lol.

I think over time you calmed down and found yourself. You seem like an INFP to me now.