How many relationships have you been in?

[nyc bred]

I'm interested in hearing anecdotes and other details of your experience.
Was it difficult finding one? What age was your first relationship? How old are you now? Friends first? Your gender, who made the move? and so on.

And I guess your personality type, but I assume most of the people on here are INFJ's.

I've been in zero, I'm 23 now. I notice a lot of my INTJ brethren over at INTJf are also like me with zero experience.

 

[Faye]

Maybe like 1/2 of one.

 

[Sriracha]

Oh lord ... I'm guessing your talking about any kind of "dating" relationship?

I've had about six boyfriends and then married at age 25. Some lasting only 3 months, and some for longer. At the same time, I can come out of shyness when needed ... a boy crazy girl MUST do such a thing.

My statistics show that my more successful relationships were from ones where I made the first move. Of course I got to know them a little bit first before I "made" the move. I think the BEST kind of relationship an INFJ can get into is one where they are friends first (with no intent on romantic relationship.) You know you can trust them and be entirely yourself around them. There's no tiptoeing, no making a first impression, creating a facade in order for them to like you and no fear of rejection b/c you are a little "different".

Where do you find people you can be friends with? You'll need to learn to extrovert yourself a little. Get involved in volunteering or what ever it is ya'll youngin's do nowadays.

 

[Billy]

Like real relationships or does someone you're not serious about and just having fun with count?

 

[grt$5vb]

I just went by boyfriends.

 

[Relm]

Only one, starting at age 25 (yeah, a little late to the game)... but it's the only one I'll ever need. =)

My husband is INTJ (same age as me), albeit a very socially mature one. He'd been in 3-4 real relationships before we found each other. The way he tells it, one day (in late high school) he decided that he'd had enough of not having a social life, etc... and from then on MADE himself get out there and go to social functions, date, etc. It was awkward. He was scared/uncomfortable as heck. But he grew from each experience. (and became a better, more well-rounded, person for it)

 

[nyc bred]

Maybe like 1/2 of one.

lol what?

Like real relationships or does someone you're not serious about and just having fun with count?

My definition would be two people that are exclusive to each other making progress towards the future. I don't consider fuck buddies or casual flings to be a relationship but that's just me.

Oh lord ... I'm guessing your talking about any kind of "dating" relationship?

I've had about six boyfriends and then married at age 25. Some lasting only 3 months, and some for longer. At the same time, I can come out of shyness when needed ... a boy crazy girl MUST do such a thing.

My statistics show that my more successful relationships were from ones where I made the first move. Of course I got to know them a little bit first before I "made" the move. I think the BEST kind of relationship an INFJ can get into is one where they are friends first (with no intent on romantic relationship.) You know you can trust them and be entirely yourself around them. There's no tiptoeing, no making a first impression, creating a facade in order for them to like you and no fear of rejection b/c you are a little "different".

Where do you find people you can be friends with? You'll need to learn to extrovert yourself a little. Get involved in volunteering or what ever it is ya'll youngin's do nowadays.

Shy? You INFJ's can be a social bunch if you want. How long were you usually friends before you decide to make a move? Is there a switch in your head that just goes off?

Different doesn't have to be bad. I know an INFJ who could be considered 'different' and I adore her. It took a while for her to let me know her interests though, maybe cause she was afraid I'd judge her? But her quirkiness, nerdiness, and being 'different' are the very reasons why I like having her in my life.

Only one, starting at age 25 (yeah, a little late to the game)... but it's the only one I'll ever need. =)

My husband is INTJ (same age as me), albeit a very socially mature one. He'd been in 3-4 real relationships before we found each other. The way he tells it, one day (in late high school) he decided that he'd had enough of not having a social life, etc... and from then on MADE himself get out there and go to social functions, date, etc. It was awkward. He was scared/uncomfortable as heck. But he grew from each experience. (and became a better, more well-rounded, person for it)

That's great! It took me a LONG LONG time to come out of my shell. I gradually forced myself to change throughout college. Although I'm not the most sociable person out there, it was a significant change. I went from the quiet/nerdy kid that sits in the corner minding his business never wanting the teacher to call on him to someone who isn't afraid to speak in front of a class full of people anymore. Shoot, I used to look down on the floor whenever I was talking to someone one on one.

Anyway, I'm curious, was your husband the one that made the move? Were you 'waiting for the one'?

 

[Sriracha]

lol what?

Shy? You INFJ's can be a social bunch if you want. How long were you usually friends before you decide to make a move? Is there a switch in your head that just goes off?

Different doesn't have to be bad. I know an INFJ who could be considered 'different' and I adore her. It took a while for her to let me know her interests though, maybe cause she was afraid I'd judge her? But her quirkiness, nerdiness, and being 'different' are the very reasons why I like having her in my life.

There are some where I found them attractive first and then got to know them a little before I began dating. This took probably a couple of weeks. In both instances of "instant dating" (regardless of who pursued), I never felt I could totally be myself. Of course that was my choice, I just wanted them to like me ... so really, it wouldn't have worked out anyhow (I didn't realize this back then, being an INFJ can be lonely at times.)

In my friendships that developed into a romantic relationship it took between 6 months to a year. Like I said, there was never an intent to date ... it just gravitated that direction over time. A switch in my head? Hmm, I think after I got close with them I would start looking at them in a different light. You see, I don't choose to have many friends and with the friends I have there is mutual respect, trust and accepting of our differences. When a man steps into the picture and reciprocates those things my feelings would begin to change, especially when I sense there is good chemistry. I would wait a while before I let my feelings known, I suppose to see if I could sense they felt the same.

I honestly cannot get close to a man as a friend as a married woman (unless he is gay obviously.) I call it "damage control."

I see it from the other side too. I have had some male friends, where I only "liked" them as a friend. They probably did not know the whole me, but then they would develop an interest. Once that happened, I had to end the friendship. There is no backpedaling with me (I would think this would be the same if I were the initiator of the relationship as well ... and rejected.)

It may be possible that the "thinker" in you would pursue a relationship differently than a "feeler". There is never a "logical" time to begin a relationship with a friend, it just "feels" right. Do you feel the same or different?

 

[Wyote]

I've had one girl or another that I've pursued/been with in some manner since first grade. Things never got really serious until my current gf though, who I've been with for almost four years.

 

[Billy]

Then I would say 3.

 

[894tt3h9]

One

 

[David54]

I am in one that matters. .

 

[Bird]

My first real boyfriend that I was allowed to go on dates with
was when I was sixteen. He played music and was a vegetarian.
Only he ate meat... He just claimed he was a vegetarian. I
ended our relationship. He wasn't mature enough for me and
we weren't really that compatible at all. He wanted me to dye
his hair bright pink and canary yellow for him at one point.
Too wild for my liking. I didn't really know him that well, he
was the cousin of a girl on my soccer team and he used to come
watch our games sometimes, that's how I met him.

My second boyfriend came around a few months later, we were
friends first. This relationship lasted a good while. It was a pretty
destructive relationship and taught me a lot. He wasn't very nice
to me at all. At first we were good together but then I learned
what a manipulator and liar he was and he used to psychologically
wear me down. I just couldn't take it. I stopped speaking to him
one day and haven't since.

My next boyfriend I was really serious about, he helped me get over
the male above. He was really funny and nice. We were together for
a little more than a year, he never pressured me to have sex which
I thought was nice. He was older than me and while I was a junior/
senior in high school he was a freshman/sophomore in college. I
honestly had no clue why I thought he wasn't fucking other girls
because I wasn't putting out. Guess what, he was. So I slapped him
in the face with a girl's umbrella after I gave up my dream school
and some bomb scholarships to go to his university. He's lucky I
didn't beat the shit out of him with the umbrella. If it had been mine
I very well may have.

The next boy used me for sex. This was unfortunate, I really liked him.

The next one I had been friends with for a long time. He was by far the
best kisser. One day we just stopped talking and that was that. It's kind
of weird, really. Neither of us ever verbalized that our relationship was
over, it just was. We could feel it was. Time to move on.

Then I was by myself for a long time.


Then I met this awesome boy. I really liked him in the beginning but
then after time I realized that I didn't really like him, I liked the idea
of him and he had a lot of qualities I couldn't stand that I had previously
been blind to due to certain limitations in our relationship. When these
limits were overcome it was like he had done a 360. He wasn't the person
I had grown to know. He even lied to me about caring for economics ):


Now I'm just doing my thing.

 

[invisible]

i had a few. first when i was 18. we met on the internet. practice dating. this lasted three months. second when i was 20. we met when i was working in a bar. this lasted two weeks. intense! third when i was 23. we met in a bar and this lasted about 18 months. intense again! i need a rest, possibly forever.

 

[This]

1.) Kyliee
2.) Ayla
3.) Jamie
4.) Sandy
5.) Amber
6.) Ariana
7.) Heather
8.) Nicole
9.) Ashley H
10.) Krystal
11.) Nikki
12.) Muffy
13.) Desaree
14.) Hayden
15.) Crystal
16.) Sallie
17.) Natialie
18.) Gina
19.) Sydney
20.) Riley
21.) Michelle

21 1/2 it seems. though I can't say those were all serious so to speak, many of them I was very young and only lasted a few weeks. It was an interesting ride though.

 

[Relm]

That's great! It took me a LONG LONG time to come out of my shell. I gradually forced myself to change throughout college. Although I'm not the most sociable person out there, it was a significant change. I went from the quiet/nerdy kid that sits in the corner minding his business never wanting the teacher to call on him to someone who isn't afraid to speak in front of a class full of people anymore. Shoot, I used to look down on the floor whenever I was talking to someone one on one.

Anyway, I'm curious, was your husband the one that made the move? Were you 'waiting for the one'?

Actually, technically, I messaged him first ...We were on-and-off friends for a good year (he had some former relationship complications to sort out, and lived 2 hours away). But then he was the one who actually asked me on that first date.... we took it slow and cautious at first. And there were many many wall-of-text e-mails and chats and such in-between times we saw one another in person (read: on the weekends). These visits became EVERY weekend and then started to extend out into the week... and this happened for a good 6 months... and we were set for the next step, which was, for us, moving in together. I would say it was the experience of living together (2 years worth) that really cemented our bond and told us the marrying the other was a Really Good Idea (TM) =P. And thus we did (about 6 months ago from present). It's been an amazing journey and it just keeps getting better.

I was waiting for 'the one' in a sense, yes. And when I finally came out of my shell enough to start looking, it was with the intent of finding that life partner. Similarly, he was at a point in his search and life where he wanted -and was ready for- the same. (As obvious as it seems: it REALLY helps when you are both looking for the same thing in that regard. It also helps if you are at the same point/stage in life.)

 

[Rasmus]

I'm interested in hearing anecdotes and other details of your experience.
Was it difficult finding one? What age was your first relationship? How old are you now? Friends first? Your gender, who made the move? and so on.

And I guess your personality type, but I assume most of the people on here are INFJ's.

I've been in zero, I'm 23 now. I notice a lot of my INTJ brethren over at INTJf are also like me with zero experience.

I've been in four; a two year, a five year, a three month, and a two and a half month (in that order).

Details of my experience? Well, I'm a bit strange but here's the facts:


Relationship One:

Who: High School Sweetheart
Who made the first move: Her.
Problems: She kept trying to mold me to suit her and I didn't know who the hell I was or what I wanted out of life. I experienced terror and guilt during intimacy.
Physical Intimacy: I was a virgin. We fooled around but never had sex...well, oral once <-- very unpleasant business.
How Did It End: She broke up with me on our two year anniversary; cheated on me with my best friend. I've never cried so much in my life. Good news is they got married and had a beautiful baby girl.
Current Relationship: Tried to be friends years later on facebook but I just couldn't do it.


Relationship Two:

Who: Bible Study Buddy
Who made the first move: Her.
Problems: I was more a counselor than a boyfriend. I couldn't express a single need. She needed me in her life but didn't love me and I was OK with that; I figured that being needed was the best I could be. She rejected me as a lover because she believed I had permanently defiled myself in my first relationship. I was fine with that because I felt terror and guilt during intimacy anyway.
Physical Intimacy: We were virgins. In five years we held hands 2-3 times, cuddled 2-3 times, hugged often, never kissed, and never had sex.
How Did It End: Mutual break up. I started to express my needs. I brought up marriage which brought our relationship to a close. She loved me but was not "in love" with me. I loved her a lot. I cried much less at the end of this one. I was relieved in the long run for obvious reasons.
Current Relationship: Tried to be friends years later on facebook but I just couldn't do it.


Relationship Three:

Who: Eharmony Hotness
Who made the first move: Mutual.
Problems: Distance was killing me. We jumped into physical intimacy too fast...I was feeling a little repressed from the last relationship but too much physical intimacy without any friendship creates an empty crumbling feeling in your guts. She wanted me to drop my life and come attach myself to hers.
Physical Intimacy: I was still a virgin. We fooled around but didn't actually have sex by any definition. Guilt, terror, vows of abstinence until marriage est.
How Did It End: I refused to move to where she lived. I was developing a spine No tears from either of us.
Current Relationship: We still talk on facebook from time to time. I don't see us ever being more than friends.


Relationship Four:

Who: My Smokin Watress
Who made the first move: Me.
Problems: We were oil and water, night and day! Opposites attracted forcefully in this one like some kind of Hollywood movie plot.
Physical Intimacy: I lost my virginity at 28! We had an athletic sexual relationship for two months. As freakin amazing as sex was...I still wish I could have held out for my future wife :sad: It knits your souls together. Still a little terror, a lot of guilt, and a strange numb feeling like at times I was just a tool and not a person anymore.
How Did It End: I tried to address our differences. She had a melt down. Opposites may attract but I find that you've got to have some common ground to build a lasting relationship. She cried a lot. I didn't shed a tear. I think I acted like an asshole. I'm glad it ended but I don't like the way it went down.
Current Relationship: We never spoke or saw each other again.



Yeah yeah, I'm a dysfunctional freak I know! But I've made a lot of progress so stow it!

I've had a least ten dates with other girls in between all that which were all very educational. I'm more assertive now and I know what I want. Took 30 years to get there though. I still tremble when I kiss a girl but the terror is almost gone. My guilt is proportional to my beliefs and not just random and illogical. I don't know about the numb tool thing because I have never been with another woman in that way since the last.

Buck up man! If you ask out every gal in a room (not all at once) the INFJs are bound to a least give you courtesy dates just to avoid hurting your feelings which will provide settings for you to learn and grow. When they don't want second dates be honest with them, ask them to please tell you, perhaps in a letter (less threatening for them), what they think you should work on in the future. Thank them and get to work. Some things are as simple as learning boundaries, better grooming, being a better listener est. Put yourself on the chopping block often. It hurts but there are some things that can only be learned through risk and experience. Wishing you the best. Good luck.

 

[Rasmus]

You really dedicate yourself to "nothing" and spend a lot of time hating, which is a funny thing because the price is expensive with time, so kill time before it kills you.

I don't understand your reply. For example: What is the "nothing" you are referring to? What or who am I hating? Why is this funny to you? Are you trying to be witty and helpful or are you trying to start an argument in this thread because I need to know if I have to put on my ears or just my armor with you

 

[udremeei]

I can honestly say that though I've technically 'been in a relationship' a couple of times, I've never really gotten to know the people I dated (online), and they never really got to get to know me.

It's probably been about four years or so now since my last relationship. I'm happy on my own, I guess. I don't have to worry about someone coming home and taking a big emotional dump on my day.

I do sometimes wonder if it'd be nice to have someone to share activities with. Like.. see a movie, do a puzzle, or something.

But if it doesn't happen, I'm alright with that. I'm happy on my own. Stable.

 

[the]

I honestly cannot get close to a man as a friend as a married woman (unless he is gay obviously.) I call it "damage control."

This is true for many women and is why I do not waste my time making close friends with any of them. Eventually I get edged out of the picture.

@OP I guess around 7.