Sounds like it makes sense but, I do not find love in the relationships I have had. I find "like" but not love. Not because the person is unworthy or anything. Just because it doesnt develop and I wouldnt know why.
How does one find a way to "love" oneself.
- Thread starter Eventhorizon
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Sounds like it makes sense but, I do not find love in the relationships I have had. I find "like" but not love. Not because the person is unworthy or anything. Just because it doesnt develop and I wouldnt know why.
Ok so let me put this out there. I notice myself turning away from people that show me any type of affection. I have tried to think of why. The only thing I can come up with is, I dont like it. It kind of makes me feel sick. Its like theres something wrong with them and they cant see it?
OMG, that sounds scary. All right, I don't really know how to start loving yourself... nor am I trained in treating depression. Half the time, I go around thinking how much I suck anyway, the other half I feel pretty good about myself. I feel better about myself when I take care of myself and help others, anyway.
I do think depression is somewhat natural -- it seems to be partly your body telling you to slow down, sleep, relax, stop stressing --- at least I believe that is partly what depression is. I don't know what people did before there were drugs to counter these things. I suppose they just labeled themselves or blamed their mothers, or drank a lot... honestly don't know. Or maybe they just felt sad or grieved for losses or just felt things.
Have you ever tried using those corny-sounding relaxation/self hypnosis CDs? I have found those helpful. Your mind is a lot more powerful than perhaps you might think it is, you can use your mind to your benefit. Your mind created those violent thoughts, it can create other thoughts and calm you powerfully. That's what I think anyway, and I am not any kind of professional so, grain of salt, you know?
All good ideas. I have learned with in the last few years to turn depressing music off. These days I listen to stuff most people would consider corny so long as its upbeat. Huey Lewis, Spice Girls, Colbie Caillat...and it helps I think. All in PRIVATE though.
I still rock out to 3 Doors down etc but its still better than what I used to listen to. Think "Fade to Black" by Metallica... omg talk about instant put a gun to my head...I also find I like Disney movies and I swear most people looking at me would never understand this. Not that I care what anyone thinks of course.
Yes my mind did create those violent thoughts and they were scary. I remember one dream where I was just standing there and someone was talking to me. There was no feeling before or after. The next thing I know I had a knife and went beyond postal on them. The thing was, I had absolutely no feeling about it. I didnt want to, I didnt no want to, I didnt feel sad, angry, shocked, horrified etc(I did after I woke up though) while it was happening or after it happened. It just happened. I blame the medication in part though. I never had dreams where I hurt things before... Just jaw dropping detached violent events. Whats worse is how vivid they were. The medication is known for giving you vivid dreams you remember.
You can imagine that since Jungs teaching was big on dream association, I would be a little worried what part of my brain came up with this violence. Since before taking the medication and after I stopped nothing like it has ever happened again, I think ok, medication. And if medication can alter you so dramatically, I think it can also alter who you are in general. It gives new thought (or should) about all the chemicals we willing put into our bodies and that have become common place these days.
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All I can say is that it sounds like you're mixed up inside.
I used to be the same way in my late teens and 20's. It got to the point where I had an aversion to all things positive and became totally reclusive. It got so bad that at one point when I was in the hospital, they were having a group session for relaxation with a TV playing some video with dolphins swimming and ambient music. I thought it was a contrived crock of shit and it made me feel so angry and vile that I got up and left the room.
Years later I'm totally different. I didn't really understand then how things take time, but now I do. I didn't understand how to relax and let go, but now I do. I didn't understand how to 'just do it', and didn't understand that not everything has an instructable that can be taught to you. And I didn't know that I didn't understand, didn't believe that there was anything to understand, and thought all of this stuff was so much BS and was convinced that I had myself all figured out and that these happy positive people were just out of their minds.
What's more is that I understand that others might not understand. I know what it's like to be lost and not know about things that others seem to find readily apparent. I think the trick was realizing that the dimension of my mind was so small, and that my universe was so tiny, that I couldn't conceive of anything more than what I knew until I was able to break it open and get 'outside'.
In retrospect I think what happened was that I got in touch with myself by letting things run their course and really feeling them. At first it was really negative and I was listening to all the death metal and was really angry and stuff. I think that worked because it was true and I needed to deal with it, I didn't judge it and just let it go, and eventually it got old and tired, and gradually I was able to move on to other things.
That appears to be exactly what happened over the years. I think I just learned about myself, validated myself, and became authentic, which allowed me to open up to positive things. Looking back I don't think it would have ever worked if I only went for the positive aspects first. Even if it eventually made me feel better superficially, I don't think it would have repaired my fundamental issues on a deeper level and I would have remained as one of those who's always struggling but never gets it.
Well I AM happy for you. I am happy for anyone who finds peace much less happiness because I personally know how rare it is.
I feel as if I have been letting things run their course when it concerns me. The problem is, I see time as running short these days. I have no reason to believe things will just work themselves out with me as they apparently have for you.
Shaqie
The Grandmaster in Disguise
All you need to know my friend is that ... you are AWESOME and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I thought that exact same thing.
Then I realized that it is unlikely that I would be where I wanted to be in any amount of time, and that I can't speed it up, and that I can't change time. What I actually ended up doing was dropping some expectations.
An old statement \ saying came to mind when I read this. "His only enemy was himself." I cant even remember where thats from. I did a search on it and nothing came up. Seems relevant here.
I'll just pop in and say this again: therapy.
We're not your therapists on this forum, and we don't know how you can learn to love yourself. We've never walked an inch in your (probably lovely) shoes. There's no way for us to help you get over the things that have happened to you that has caused this attitude in you. But there are people that you can talk to that know how to deal with these situations and can help you feel a lot better. Just give it a try, it can't hurt, can it?
We're not your therapists on this forum, and we don't know how you can learn to love yourself. We've never walked an inch in your (probably lovely) shoes. There's no way for us to help you get over the things that have happened to you that has caused this attitude in you. But there are people that you can talk to that know how to deal with these situations and can help you feel a lot better. Just give it a try, it can't hurt, can it?
^^^this
i was going to suggest this also. for people who live in their heads therapy is awesome... i love therapy.
^^^this
i was going to suggest this also. for people who live in their heads therapy is awesome... i love therapy.
Relationships are just like anything else, they take years of practice to be good at. Relationships don't come with guidelines. There isn't a rule book for relationships to follow that guarantees us that if we follow these guidelines we will reach whatever we are looking for. The same thing goes for having a relationship with oneself. We develop that relationship, cultivate it, honor it; the same way we do any other important relationship in our lives. Then if we're lucky, we get better at it, and we learn how to have fulfilling and satisfying relationships with others and ourselves that don't really have anything to do with ideals and perfection, but have everything to do with just being who we are and accepting ourselves and others for whoever they are. This has been my experience anyway. Take care. Sometimes the first small steps of change are actually the biggest strides you'll ever take in your life.
The "easy for you to say" was my attempt at a joke. I see what you are saying. For some people, like myself I think, we realize that if we dont change something, we arent going to get there in our lifetimes. So, it doesnt hurt to ask. The intention being finding a path or learning something we did not know of before.
Because you are deeply wounded inside....even though right now you may not be consciously aware of it.
You have a very strong defense mechanism built up around this wound in your heart in order to not have to feel it.
When we allow others to gift us with love and affection it means we open our hearts and let them and/or the gift inside.
I suspect when you did that in the past you'd also touch on the pain of the wound as well. This was probably very overwhelming to you. So you default to not letting anything/anyone either in - or out - of your heart.
For you to love yourself means unconditional acceptance of ALL of the aspects of you. This includes the idea of bringing politicians to trial and making them pay for what they have allowed to manifest on this earth. Nailed to crosses and left to slowly die comes to my mind. :nod: This means seeing parts of you that were scared to death as a child and left you quivering and paralyzed in fear. This means seeing your jealousy rise to the surface of your mind about your very best friend when they succeed in their business and you are left standing with only the barest plans of your own in your hands. (At first I was appalled when I noticed this about myself and my best friend). As I began to accept it as part of who I was - damn if I didn't see my jealousy showing up everywhere for a while there. I practiced accepting my jealousy with compassion. Which led me to even deeper places inside myself that was covered up and hidden from my conscious awareness.
As someone else pointed out - these "unwanted aspects" are the wounds we received as a young child during our conditioning. Every time someone told you that you were wrong when all you were doing was being you - causes a wound in our hearts.
To start practicing loving your self means to see your wounded child and simply give them understanding with a compassionate heart. It will slowly build from there. I see you recognizing the shyte in you and intellectualizing it...but you have to feel the emotions surrounding it and allow them expression before acceptance can occur. This is no small task for it requires the courage to dance with one's pain.
Vandyke talked about therapy. What that does for us is helps us identify the wounds obtained and then how it shows the child acting out to bring your attention - your awareness - to them. My wounded child used to be shoved down in the dark and never saw the light of day. She was dying....and actually....so was I. It scared me when I first looked upon her because she looked like a monster. I suppose I would too if I was forced to live without the sunshine (the Light of Love). Actually - the first time I looked into the darkness of my self I saw 2 glowing red eyes and I freaked. She and I have been on a journey for several years now and she steadily gets to see the Light. As a result of our re-union I am not dying and I have more Joy in my life.
I once read that depression is anger turned inward. I totally agree with that assessment. It turned out I was angry at my wounded child for being fearful, jealous, lazy, stupid, and of course - for not knowing everything there is to know is this world. I was being ridiculous - wasn't I? How on earth can a child know everything? How can I hold the wounded child in me responsible for anything when it was my parents who taught her to think/be that way? Do you see where I'm going with this? A child can only do the best they can under the circumstances - right? Once I felt compassion for her - and what she had to endure just to keep me alive - man oh man did I finally start breaking down my walls and discover the real me. I'm still scraping away the remaining muck and am excited to see my brilliance shining.
True that and I wasnt asking anyone to be. I thought others here might have experienced similar things. It looks like this one issue is even more unique. ..