How does one find a way to "love" oneself. | INFJ Forum

How does one find a way to "love" oneself.

Eventhorizon

Eventhorizon

Permanently relocated
Banned
May 19, 2013
16,534
10,379
2,187
MBTI
INTJ
I don’t like or dislike myself. I simply, “am.” I guess you could say I get tired of my own thoughts easily but at the same time, other peoples thoughts often confuse me.
I have always heard that to find love \ fall in love, you have to love yourself first. Im not really happy with being alone but I am not so unhappy that I will be with someone just to be with someone as I believe many other people in this life end up doing. I am guilty of this myself, substituting physical closeness for mental closeness.
This is going to sound strange perhaps but it is an honest question. If the idea is true, “you have to love yourself to find love.” How do you find a way to love yourself if you have idea where to start?
 
There are a lot of damaged people that enter relationships, and are able to improve themselves. I don't think there is anything necessarily wrong with this, though everyone makes everyone believe they have to be "whole" or almost perfect before getting into a relationship. I honestly don't think this is possible at all as everyone has some baggage.

I think the idea here is more of a "who would you attract" in your current state of mind? I think it's important to listen and give consideration to whom the Universe brings into your life.
 
  • Like
Reactions: tfg345i4u5lw
It seems that unselfish love for others is to wish good things for them, and to assist in their obtaining them.

So, to love yourself might be to wish and seek good things for yourself.



Since there is a hierarchy of good things (monetary gain being below personal happiness, etc.), it seems that seeking the greatest good is a measure of the greatest love.
 
I have also heard that, but it always sounds selfish... I think you should like yourself alright, but I prefer to only have love for one other person, and feel it means more like "be the best you can and have some self esteem" kinda thing. Ya know? I think you're totally normal, Eventhorizon. :)
 
Flavus Aquila said:
It seems that unselfish love for others is to wish good things for them, and to assist in their obtaining them.

So, to love yourself might be to wish and seek good things for yourself.



Since there is a hierarchy of good things (monetary gain being below personal happiness, etc.), it seems that seeking the greatest good is a measure of the greatest love.
Click to expand...

This.
 
Start with treating yourself well, by maintaining good hygiene, eating wholesome foods, getting enough time in the sun and fresh air, getting enough sleep, etc. Satisfying these needs show that you love your physical body. Now, you need to honor your desires with temperance, and walk and speak with assertive humility. Then you need to watch what you tell yourself in your thoughts and really dive into why you tell yourself these things, and really let yourself process the emotions/situation/person/etc. If you find they are no longer fit for you, honor it for what it is and let it go.
 
  • Like
Reactions: muir and #@&5&49
I heard something similar before, though different: Wonder who that was meant for. Someone that hated their own self or life, maybe? Gotta go for now.
 
Most negative views of ourselves are formed when we are very young, mostly when we're children to our early teenage years. The causes can be varied, from Bullying at School, or difficult relationships with parents or siblings, the list can be very long. However, a good friend of mine told me a useful trick which works if you practise meditation and visualisation techniques.
Find a quite part of the day, and a quite place. Close your eyes and keep your mind focusing on your breathing in your stomach (Full breathing) and not in your chest (Shallow breathing). when your breathing is regular and relaxed, image your adult self (you now) talking to the child or teenager, or what ever time in your childhood when you felt the most depressed or lonely, then visualise speaking to that younger you, supporting that younger you and understanding that younger you and most importantly befriend that younger you.
See your younger self through the eyes of you today as an adult, but looking at the younger you as a separate person, as this helps us to view our past selves in a neutral non judgemental non critical manner.
Talk to that younger person, and imagine how your younger self would answer back to any questions.This way helps us to come to understand ourselves and past emotions, as you can start to see your life, not through the eyes of the internal critic, but through the eyes of another older person looking at your younger self. This way helps us to come to terms with our past and is a practical way to learn to love ones own life.
It takes practise, but given time and patience, can be a useful method in letting go of any internalised emotional pain that you may be carrying in your subconscious. It worked for me.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: Kgal
Eventhorizon said:
I don’t like or dislike myself. I simply, “am.” I guess you could say I get tired of my own thoughts easily but at the same time, other peoples thoughts often confuse me.
I have always heard that to find love \ fall in love, you have to love yourself first. Im not really happy with being alone but I am not so unhappy that I will be with someone just to be with someone as I believe many other people in this life end up doing. I am guilty of this myself, substituting physical closeness for mental closeness.
This is going to sound strange perhaps but it is an honest question. If the idea is true, “you have to love yourself to find love.” How do you find a way to love yourself if you have idea where to start?
Click to expand...

Different people will give you different pieces of advise. At the ripe old age of 23 I've tried most of them over the course of the last 8 years. The only few that helped even in the slightest were therapy, therapy and therapy. You probably doubt that it will help, but if you give it an honest shot and you open up and try being vulnerable, it can change your life and make you realize why you felt the way you feel right now. You can feel better about yourself, just remember that. Best of luck, regardless of which direction you take.
 
It's just one of those things people say to avoid giving real answers.
 
What is it that makes you think you don't love yourself?

What prevents you from doing the things on @Sadie 's list? What is blocking you?

I personally don't think that you need to love yourself perfectly to find love... as [MENTION=4423]Sriracha[/MENTION] said, damaged people enter relationships all the time and almost everyone is a little damaged or can stand to improve in some fashion... on the contrary, practising loving another person can allow you to open your heart to yourself better. Someone who loves you and wants to help you love yourself can help you to see your own gifts and ability for self-respect and self-acceptance.
 
You just do it. It's automatic.
 
All this bullshit is unnecessary. Shouldn't say negative shit like that.

The moral:

For me to feel better about myself it meant surrounding myself with people who appreciated me. I was being told there were so many things wrong with me when in reality I was fine. I lost touch with my perception of myself. So maybe it's not a change that needs to happen within, maybe you are a great person and you just need to be around people who help you realize that. Then the ball is rolling and the positivity will feed on itself and grow so you can reach your full potential.

=)
 
Last edited:
chango said:
All this bullshit is unnecessary. Shouldn't say negative shit like that.

The moral:

For me to feel better about myself it meant surrounding myself with people who appreciated me. I was being told there were so many things wrong with me when in reality I was fine. I lost touch with my perception of myself. So maybe it's not a change that needs to happen within, maybe you are a great person and you just need to be around people who help you realize that. Then the ball is rolling and the positivity will feed on itself and grow so you can reach your full potential.

=)
Click to expand...
For the most part, I am the opposite. There are at least a few people telling me how great I am and certainly not any telling me how bad I am. When people tell me I am a good person it alienates me because I think they dont know the real me. You know, the me I dont show the world. The me that thinks lying politicians should be put on trial and if found guilty punished to the fullest extent of the law. The part of me completely fine with watching those people who prey on others scream in agony. The me that thinks they have limited consciousness because of their political leanings... The list goes on and on.

I know what I am. I know I dont fit in this world. I know the world that should be here, the one that deserves to be here, doesn't have me in it. I wouldn't belong.

You might say well just change yourself to be what you want. Its not like that. Part of who I am is part of what that is. I think I said in a previous post someone would have to reach in and fundamentally change my foundation so that I could be someone I even like. If they did that of course, I wouldnt be the same person...
 
Eventhorizon said:
For the most part, I am the opposite. There are at least a few people telling me how great I am and certainly not any telling me how bad I am. When people tell me I am a good person it alienates me because I think they dont know the real me. You know, the me I dont show the world. The me that thinks lying politicians should be put on trial and if found guilty punished to the fullest extent of the law. The part of me completely fine with watching those people who prey on others scream in agony. The me that thinks they have limited consciousness because of their political leanings... The list goes on and on.

I know what I am. I know I dont fit in this world. I know the world that should be here, the one that deserves to be here, doesn't have me in it. I wouldn't belong.

You might say well just change yourself to be what you want. Its not like that. Part of who I am is part of what that is. I think I said in a previous post someone would have to reach in and fundamentally change my foundation so that I could be someone I even like. If they did that of course, I wouldnt be the same person...
Click to expand...

That whole post sounds an awful lot like religious guilt or some kind of guilt. I'm sure you're not the only person in the world who has wanted to skin people alive from time to time, I know I do too, fairly regularly as a matter of fact. You're also not the only person in the world with ugly, violent or socially unacceptable parts to them, or who feels negative emotions, or anger or who has done stupid things they feel guilty about. That's happened to pretty much everyone in the world, even if some people don't want to talk about it. If the world only had saints and angels in it, it would be a very strange place, and I don't think you have to be a saint or an angel to love yourself.

(Also, maybe look into the possibility of some sort of chemical or physical thing? No offense, but if you're clinically depressed, which is an illness, it is awfully hard to love yourself. Do you ever go out and have fun? Or have one or two close friends? Or do things you enjoy a lot? Maybe if you don't do these things it could be because of an actual illness. Just saying it is a possibility.)
 
I think people read too much into this old saying.

What it actually means for me is that since in some way you can unconsciously project your feelings onto others from time to time, if you don't love you then it can be more difficult to see that anyone else loves you (even if they do)

People often have a way of doing this, subconsciously believing that others feel the same way that they do. A lot of times we can get away with it because some feelings are very commonly shared. But some times you can see this phenomenon where two people of contrasting demeanor are conversing and one person says to the other "You know you would feel x about this!" but they've got it entirely wrong, because the other person is very different. What they end up doing is projecting what they feel about things, with the subconscious bias of "If I feel it that means everyone else does, too."
 
this is only temporary said:
That whole post sounds an awful lot like religious guilt or some kind of guilt. I'm sure you're not the only person in the world who has wanted to skin people alive from time to time, I know I do too, fairly regularly as a matter of fact. You're also not the only person in the world with ugly, violent or socially unacceptable parts to them, or who feels negative emotions, or anger or who has done stupid things they feel guilty about. That's happened to pretty much everyone in the world, even if some people don't want to talk about it. If the world only had saints and angels in it, it would be a very strange place, and I don't think you have to be a saint or an angel to love yourself.

(Also, maybe look into the possibility of some sort of chemical or physical thing? No offense, but if you're clinically depressed, which is an illness, it is awfully hard to love yourself. Do you ever go out and have fun? Or have one or two close friends? Or do things you enjoy a lot? Maybe if you don't do these things it could be because of an actual illness. Just saying it is a possibility.)
Click to expand...
Thanks for the insights! Religious guilt? No. Depressed..maybe but, who decides if you are depressed or not? Some people who are naturally positive about the world they live in might label you depressed if you ever have a single negative thought. Before there were drugs that apparently counter act depression, what did people do? Who says depression isnt the natural state of being human?

Not long ago my doc prescribed Clonazepam because I was having some pretty intense heart palpation's. Apparently it is prescribed more for people that have anxiety attacks etc. Wholly f talk about walking through the world not caring about ANYTHING. Talk about incredibly violent dreams where you wake up and seriously think you might have to commit yourself... I have been off that cr@p for a while now thank whomever. My point is, I am not a big fan of anything that alters your brain function though I may have been much earlier in my life.
 
Eirene said:
Start with treating yourself well, by maintaining good hygiene, eating wholesome foods, getting enough time in the sun and fresh air, getting enough sleep, etc. Satisfying these needs show that you love your physical body. Now, you need to honor your desires with temperance, and walk and speak with assertive humility. Then you need to watch what you tell yourself in your thoughts and really dive into why you tell yourself these things, and really let yourself process the emotions/situation/person/etc. If you find they are no longer fit for you, honor it for what it is and let it go.
Click to expand...

I know what you are saying. I do get out a good bit, I like being outdoors. I maintain hygiene, eat whole foods (have to at this point), get fresh air sun... Proabably get enough sleep though my work schedule is erratic as hell.

The part you wrote in bold I do not understand as well. Can you elaborate?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom
Back