There seems to be an inverse relationship between how much personal time parents spend with their children and how much disciplining they need.
how do you plan to discipline your children?
- Thread starter Barnabas
- Start date
I think that I would take the approach of taking something away from them rather than making them do something. By making a child do something as a punishment you're creating the concept that its not something that they're supposed to enjoy. I can see how this could cause problems with something like exercise.
I think that I would not let them use the google. lol
I think that I would not let them use the google. lol
My daughter tells me, "Mom you actually were a really great mom. I was just a demon child." On that basis, I'll offer what I consider my "basics" of discipline:
Make rules that are reasonable, communicate them clearly, and give consistant consequences along with explanations.
Everything else is negotiable, whether its spanking or time out or taking away the X-box.
1. Reasonable rules: Make sure you teach kids socially acceptable behavior kindness, but make sure your rules are appropriate for your child's particular age and unique personality. It is not reasonable to expect a 3 year old to sit still for a half hour. A child might have unique needs that warrant accomodation: sensitivity, learning disability, etc. My daughter hated it that I didn't always have the same rules for her autistic brother, and my response was simply, "He has different rules because he IS different than you. You are a little social butterfly but your brother doesn't know how to be friendly. I expect more because you can do more."
2. Communicate them effectively: Try to make a few concrete rules rather than laying down a principle. Kids don't understand "Love your neighbor as yourself." Kids will understand things like "Hands to yourself. No mean words. Don't hurt people, animals, or things." Make sure you communicate on their level. A four year old can't read "Put away the toys" but can understand a picture of toys in the toy box. A lot of "to do's" are more easily remembered and obeyed by kids if they are part of a routine, like, "Bed time routine: bubble bath, have a snack, brush teeth, put on PJ's, read a story, go to bed."
3. Consistant consequences with explanations. If you watch TV shows like nanny 911, about 3/4 of the problems fall here. The worst possible thing you can do is threaten a consequence and then not follow through. Inconsistant enforcement actually teaches kids that they can probably get away with it. Inconsistancy sends a message to your kid, "I don't REALLY care about this." Kids are artists at figuring exactly where our "line is" and they will push right up to that line. You want to choose your battles, but once you've decided "No X" then fight to the finish. If you don't, the tail will wag the dog. It is also very important to get down face to face, eyeball to eyeball, with your kid and make sure they understand why they are being disciplined. Parents who discipline but don't explain why end up with kids who think bad consequences are random and unrelated to their behavior.
A note on spanking: Kids are not offended by violence where good punishes bad. Cartoons where a hero beats up the bad guy are actually very comforting to kids -- it tells them a sense of fairness exists and they can depend on the strong protecting the weak. I personally have no trouble with spanking as a form of discipline, but I do think there are boundaries:
a. Spanking should give pain, but not cause damage. If there are welts or bruises, it's no longer spanking, it's abuse.
b. Spanking exists to give a negative consequence for a behavior. It is NOT a way for parents to express anger. If your anger is out of control, that is probably NOT a good time to spank.
c. Make sure that you kids get way more hugs than spankings. It's really more efficient to reward good behavior than punish bad behavior.
d. Consider the individuality of your child. Does spanking WORK? If not, then stop and find what DOES work.
My dad always gave me the choice, spanking or a half hour time out in my room. The idea of spending a half hour away from the family was AWFUL to me. I'd spend the whole half hour ruminating about how "Dad is mad at me." But with a spanking, five seconds and it's over, we hug, and everything is back to love. I chose spanking EVERY TIME I could.
I've heard that the rule of thumb if you choose time out is 1 minute per year old. So if I was 8 years old, an appropriate time out for me would have been 8 minutes, not a half hour.
Make rules that are reasonable, communicate them clearly, and give consistant consequences along with explanations.
Everything else is negotiable, whether its spanking or time out or taking away the X-box.
1. Reasonable rules: Make sure you teach kids socially acceptable behavior kindness, but make sure your rules are appropriate for your child's particular age and unique personality. It is not reasonable to expect a 3 year old to sit still for a half hour. A child might have unique needs that warrant accomodation: sensitivity, learning disability, etc. My daughter hated it that I didn't always have the same rules for her autistic brother, and my response was simply, "He has different rules because he IS different than you. You are a little social butterfly but your brother doesn't know how to be friendly. I expect more because you can do more."
2. Communicate them effectively: Try to make a few concrete rules rather than laying down a principle. Kids don't understand "Love your neighbor as yourself." Kids will understand things like "Hands to yourself. No mean words. Don't hurt people, animals, or things." Make sure you communicate on their level. A four year old can't read "Put away the toys" but can understand a picture of toys in the toy box. A lot of "to do's" are more easily remembered and obeyed by kids if they are part of a routine, like, "Bed time routine: bubble bath, have a snack, brush teeth, put on PJ's, read a story, go to bed."
3. Consistant consequences with explanations. If you watch TV shows like nanny 911, about 3/4 of the problems fall here. The worst possible thing you can do is threaten a consequence and then not follow through. Inconsistant enforcement actually teaches kids that they can probably get away with it. Inconsistancy sends a message to your kid, "I don't REALLY care about this." Kids are artists at figuring exactly where our "line is" and they will push right up to that line. You want to choose your battles, but once you've decided "No X" then fight to the finish. If you don't, the tail will wag the dog. It is also very important to get down face to face, eyeball to eyeball, with your kid and make sure they understand why they are being disciplined. Parents who discipline but don't explain why end up with kids who think bad consequences are random and unrelated to their behavior.
A note on spanking: Kids are not offended by violence where good punishes bad. Cartoons where a hero beats up the bad guy are actually very comforting to kids -- it tells them a sense of fairness exists and they can depend on the strong protecting the weak. I personally have no trouble with spanking as a form of discipline, but I do think there are boundaries:
a. Spanking should give pain, but not cause damage. If there are welts or bruises, it's no longer spanking, it's abuse.
b. Spanking exists to give a negative consequence for a behavior. It is NOT a way for parents to express anger. If your anger is out of control, that is probably NOT a good time to spank.
c. Make sure that you kids get way more hugs than spankings. It's really more efficient to reward good behavior than punish bad behavior.
d. Consider the individuality of your child. Does spanking WORK? If not, then stop and find what DOES work.
My dad always gave me the choice, spanking or a half hour time out in my room. The idea of spending a half hour away from the family was AWFUL to me. I'd spend the whole half hour ruminating about how "Dad is mad at me." But with a spanking, five seconds and it's over, we hug, and everything is back to love. I chose spanking EVERY TIME I could.
I've heard that the rule of thumb if you choose time out is 1 minute per year old. So if I was 8 years old, an appropriate time out for me would have been 8 minutes, not a half hour.
SOOOO true. I used a parenting style called attachment parenting: fill them up with all they need, especially love, and they will naturally develop into self assured independent adults.
But every child is unique. My daughter was just a SNEAK. She'd wait for the one moment my attention was on something else, and then do what she wanted. Once when she was three she disappeared. I was in a panic. My mom and I walked up and down the street calling her name, and couldn't find her. Well it turned out that she had heard us the whole time, but was hiding in a neighbor's bush. She would do things like stand at the sink for a half hour doing nothing because she didn't want to wash the dishes, and then when I'd be dealing with her brother, she's take the dirty pan outside and hide it behind the chimney. Her idea of cleaning her room was to shove everything under her bed, including uneaten food. She eventually turned out okay. I shudder to think what she might have become if she had had less parenting.
I will learn to channel my negative energy out of my body so that they can "feel" it with their senses when they do something wrong. Hopefully this will scare them.
Likewise, I will channel my positive energy when they do things right.
Now to get a better grasp on being able to channel this emotional energy.
Likewise, I will channel my positive energy when they do things right.
Now to get a better grasp on being able to channel this emotional energy.
I have a two and half year old that I love with all my heart, but I didnt plan for her, and I'm definately not a natural mother. I'm not good at having someone depend on me completely and being wholly responsible for that person. I think I'm doing a good job so far though. Its lucky that Ive studied psychology and am now studying natural medicine as these two areas of study are very relavant for raising a child. Everything goes out the window though when you do with a child and I felt that I was thrown into the deep end. It best to do what you personally think is right, listen to advice but dont feel pressured to take it. At the end of the day your child is an individual and you are personally responsible for your child, and you have to live with your choices, not someone else.
Discipline
* discipline them straight away and be clear about why
* time out- in any location and for a time that I think is appropriate. Everyone should have a time out when they're upset.
* withdrawing of privellages for a specified period of time
No no's
* I would never hit my child. I can't tell her to not hit anyone if I hit her. My parents hit me a lot, never abusively, and it did not work.
* I dont yell and nag at her. My mum nagged me a lot and I hated it so much.
* Be careful what you use to punish them with as you dont want it to be associated in a negative way- using exercise to punish your kid might make them hate exercise.
* Dont punish them for being honest
There are many things that can be done to reduce the need for discipline.
* positive reinforcement- always let her know when shes doing the right thing and reward her for it.
* being clear with expectations
* give them structures and boundaries to work with
* being consistent
* always carry through with threats - kids learn empty threats are meaningless very quickly and lose respect for you
* listen to them
* give them an outlet for their creativity and energy
* ensure that they know they are loved- lots of kisses, hugs and love yous
* spend time with them, play with them, show an interest in what they are doing and learning
* be aware of what you expose them to
* explain things to them
* be honest with them and dont punish them for being honest
My daughter is a handful but I have no doubt that we will be great friends and she will be happy and well adjusted. I'm not dreading the teenage years
Discipline
* discipline them straight away and be clear about why
* time out- in any location and for a time that I think is appropriate. Everyone should have a time out when they're upset.
* withdrawing of privellages for a specified period of time
No no's
* I would never hit my child. I can't tell her to not hit anyone if I hit her. My parents hit me a lot, never abusively, and it did not work.
* I dont yell and nag at her. My mum nagged me a lot and I hated it so much.
* Be careful what you use to punish them with as you dont want it to be associated in a negative way- using exercise to punish your kid might make them hate exercise.
* Dont punish them for being honest
There are many things that can be done to reduce the need for discipline.
* positive reinforcement- always let her know when shes doing the right thing and reward her for it.
* being clear with expectations
* give them structures and boundaries to work with
* being consistent
* always carry through with threats - kids learn empty threats are meaningless very quickly and lose respect for you
* listen to them
* give them an outlet for their creativity and energy
* ensure that they know they are loved- lots of kisses, hugs and love yous
* spend time with them, play with them, show an interest in what they are doing and learning
* be aware of what you expose them to
* explain things to them
* be honest with them and dont punish them for being honest
My daughter is a handful but I have no doubt that we will be great friends and she will be happy and well adjusted. I'm not dreading the teenage years
I actually enjoy spanking much more now that I'm older. I doubt exercise is any different.
Not a good approach.
You assume your children will be able to pick up your emotions.
This may create various implications, from children thinking they need to please you,or that your emotional well being is dependent on them.
My mother did it and I perceived it as despicable emotional blackmail, which resulted in resentment.
I actually enjoy spanking much more now that I'm older. I doubt exercise is any different.
ahahaha