How do you find good friends and relationships if you can't be bothered about socializing?

[selfHater07]

I have tried a lot of times to persuade myself to socialize, but really just cannot be bothered. Be it clubs, bars or even Mosques (I know it's hilarious to put them in the same sentence, but I happen to be a Muslim, albeit with very week spirituality at this moment in time, but a lot of Muslims use Mosques as a place for socializing). I have always been like this, even as a kid, no matter wherever it is, be it my tiny home country in South Asia or be it north-western Europe where I've been living for a decade. My mom and I always used to have fight cos she just couldn't make me go to social events, like weddings, celebration events, class parties, etc. Most things I enjoy doing can be alone, traveling, cooking new things, programming, reading, singing etc.

Having said all the above things I wrote, I'm not shy at all. In fact, if anything, people sometimes get amazed about straight forward I can be. I also don't have difficulty making friends if I do happen to meet people. Which is why, I do have some friends who I met during my university days. But after leaving University I haven't really managed to make new friends. As for relationships, I never really had one, even though I dated a few.

Is there anyone else who is like me? Who can't be arsed about socializing? If yes, how did you find good friends and girlfriends and have relationships? I ask this question especially to the guys, because we have to do the actual work for finding relationships, women usually have it quite easy. In some cases, women don't even have to socialize that much, guys somehow manage to find them anyway, lol.

So, please enlighten me. Thanks.

 

[Ren]

Hi @selfHater07

I'm a little concerned about your pseudonym. Is that in jest?

Having said all the above things I wrote, I'm not shy at all. In fact, if anything, people sometimes get amazed about straight forward I can be. I also don't difficulty making friends if I do happen to meet people. Which is why, I do have some friends who I met during my university days. But after leaving University I haven't really managed to make new friends. As for relationships, I never really had one, even though I dated a few.

Well, for starters you could reach out to your friends from university and revive those friendships a bit.

If you meet them in real life you could get to meet new people through them. Don't you think? That's usually the way it goes.

If you dislike socialising I'm afraid you'll struggle with making new friends, so you may have to force yourself a bit. Another option would be to get to meet people through joining a club, if you're into a particular sport or activity of some kind. Are there options around where you live?

 

[Wyote]

Adults (post university or whatever schooling time) have a lot of difficulty forming new relationships. So you're not alone there.
As younger people we are essentially placed into forced socialization in a lot of ways.
So, if you don't take the initiative to learn how to put yourself in circumstances of socialization, you will continue to have a difficult time for the rest of your life.

Some people learn to just survive on the bare minimum of friendships, which is ok really, if you don't feel like you are missing out on anything.
But if you feel alone and like there are elements of your life that could be improved by having more friendships, then you are going to have to learn how to

1. Take personal responsibility and ownership of putting yourself in circumstances of socializing
2. Figure out the kinds of circumstances that bring out the best in you as well as allowing you to meet the kinds of people you actually want to engage with

It takes effort/work but it's not that difficult really, once you get started.

 

[selfHater07]

I'm a little concerned about your pseudonym. Is that in jest?

Yeah, I have many of the things I really dislike, but that's a different discussion.

Well, for starters you could reach out to your friends from university and revive those friendships a bit.

If you meet them in real life you could get to meet new people through them. Don't you think? That's usually the way it goes.

I am in contact with closest ones of them. In fact, I'm now involved in a business project with them. But I don't live in the same city, we just communicate and do work on our project remotely. I have a lot of career aspirations, which is why I am now in a different city. So, I don't have any chance of doing socializing activities with them anymore.

If you dislike socialising I'm afraid you'll struggle with making new friends, so you may have to force yourself a bit. Another option would be to get to meet people through joining a club, if you're into a particular sport or activity of some kind. Are there options around where you live?

I'm trying. I even joined a singing school briefly for that purpose, but it didn't quite work out because I felt kinda an outsider there, which was a rare experience in my life. I guess my limited capability with the language didn't help either (although I'm learning every day).

 

[dragulagu]

Adults (post university or whatever schooling time) have a lot of difficulty forming new relationships. So you're not alone there.

Open question here. How come it is so difficult to form new relationships for adults. Being someone in their 30's myself, I agree with you here that I do notice people in general in this age section are having more
difficulty to create new relationships. But I'm wondering why this is the case. In general I notice people are much more reserved nowadays than in my 20's.

rant: And I.F**king.Hate.Smalltalk. the whole aspect of it. If I have to hear another stupid sentence about some trivial actual bullshit in someone's life I'm going to explode. "How was your day?" "My dog made a funny face when shitting on the sidewalk, it was hilaaaaarious" or the usual "my kid did blablabla, it was sooo cuuute, made pictures, look! LOOK!!!!!" "also let me tell everything about myself in my daily life" ... cool, thanks for the talk /rant.

@selfHater07 the only way you can socialize is put yourself out there and in general not be afraid of anyone's opinion. Most people just forget the impression of whatever you might find embarassing during the chat and honestly, most people don't get this impression. Socializing is a skill, like any other. Go to places which interest you, the people you meet there will share common interests, so you can share these aspects.

I wish there was a way to meet more (introverted) intuitives easily, it takes a while for us to open up, but goddamn is it fulfilling you can interact with someone who has a broader view on anything in life.

 

[Pin]

Man, if I were you I would get more involved in your religious community and adopt a leadership position. If you want to find new friends, get a girlfriend, then you've got to serve somebody.

Who better to serve than the Lord?

 

[JustPhil]

rant: And I.F**king.Hate.Smalltalk. the whole aspect of it. If I have to hear another stupid sentence about some trivial actual bullshit in someone's life I'm going to explode. "How was your day?" "My dog made a funny face when shitting on the sidewalk, it was hilaaaaarious" or the usual "my kid did blablabla, it was sooo cuuute, made pictures, look! LOOK!!!!!" "also let me tell everything about myself in my daily life" ... cool, thanks for the talk /rant.

@dragulagu, I'm with ya there! I call it "weather talk". I sometimes wonder if the talk gets more in depth as you interact more with the same person. However, from interactions I've had with groups where people have been great friends for many years, it seems "weather talk" is about the deepest most get.

Like @selfHater07, I'm not really forthcoming about making friends, and the weather talk really stops me from even trying. So content enough in making myself a better person by reading and enjoying what I like to do. I think many people would call that selfish, but if I cannot find someone that "hits the spot" as a friend, then should I sacrifice my values of not wanting small talk just to have one?

I find it hard to feel comfortable in my solitude sometimes, but I think that is primarily because we are taught from a very young age to have friends and that to be friendless is something rather "vile". You are a loser etc. But I feel that now I have more self awareness of my values that adhering to them is more important. So slowly and surely I am getting more comfortable with that aspect of my solitude.

 

[Rit4lin]

Whilst reading your post I was like "Ah. Yes. Refreshing. A kindred spirit" and smacked my lips from the exquisiteness of it all. Until I realised that the very crux of the matter is the fact that where I am antisocial because I genuinely don't care for making friends and don't fret on my limited circle - for you the opposite is true. I have such an attitude mostly because I'm still in the privileged position of youth where I maintain friendships with those whom I befriended during secondary and sixth form; although I can confidently say that the ones I do keep in contact with are the type I will remain close with for life (or at least the next decade or two for you realists that scoff). So I could nay give much more of a shit. As @Wyote said "younger people are essentially placed into forced socialization in a lot of ways" and I still reap the fruit of such a system.

That said, even at school I didn't really socialise much I simply attracted a particular subset of people to me; and my mindset for the future is that this will also be the case at work or when I start branching out into other activities. If you really want to purposefully widen your social circle and form meaningful relationships then surprise surprise, you need to put the effort in. If you want a fish (taking shops out of the equation for the purpose) you can't stand at the waters edge not doing anything then wonder why you aren't 'catching' anything. You have to actually fish.

 

[dragulagu]

Thanks @JustPhil , just to clarify though (in general), I get the purpose of smalltalk, it's useful to introduce commonalities between eachother and to have some common ground to talk to eachother with on a subject you share. It's fun to share some new findings between eachother on something that you share , but more than often when people start talking they are just trying to showcase how interesting their mundane lifes are...and I just don't care anymore. I listen but I rapidly start to lose interest.

And it's the same with from someone else's perspective towards me. For example, when I start talking about philoshopical topics during work, it takes a quick couple seconds to lose everyone's interest in no time. So I tend to close off these topics in general. I get that it's not interesting for everyone.

Anecdotal example; I had a book of Socrates on me during work from the company's library. The remarks I got was "oh, so, you're reading about psychology?" and "don't read to much philosophy, you might get crazy ". Fuck these dumb remarks, I just get annoyed by them. Instead let's talk about the daily crap the news is dumping on us to talk about. No, I don't care. It's prefiltered crap no one cares about.

If you don't respect my interests, then don't expect me to be interested in any of your crap. And I think that's becoming a general thing with the population of now, nowadays, this general attitude. Everyone is just pushing out their own interests over everyone else's and that's what annoys me. The more interesting talks i do am having is with older people where they share their own life stories with patience to you. Or with my friends with whom I already share interests with. Sometimes with new people where we start off with a shared interest and go from there (taking this forum again as example, as we share interests online), but it's getting more rare in daily life. And these "weather talks" will always remain on the same level as they can ever be: the surface level. I don't care about surface level, I care about deeper talks.

That's become more of a problem, to my eyes, with how our "adult" civilization is evolving to. Solitude is becoming more common in that aspect as of it.

 

[dragulagu]

Thanks @JustPhil , just to clarify though (in general), I get the purpose of smalltalk, it's useful to introduce commonalities between eachother and to have some common ground to talk to eachother with on a subject you share. It's fun to share some new findings between eachother on something that you share , but more than often when people start talking they are just trying to showcase how interesting their mundane lifes are...and I just don't care anymore. I listen but I rapidly start to lose interest.

And it's the same with from someone else's perspective towards me. For example, when I start talking about philoshopical topics during work, it takes a quick couple seconds to lose everyone's interest in no time. So I tend to close off these topics in general. I get that it's not interesting for everyone.

Anecdotal example; I had a book of Socrates on me during work from the company's library. The remarks I got was "oh, so, you're reading about psychology?" and "don't read to much philosophy, you might get crazy ". Fuck these dumb remarks, I just get annoyed by them. Instead let's talk about the daily crap the news is dumping on us to talk about. No, I don't care. It's prefiltered crap no one cares about.

If you don't respect my interests, then don't expect me to be interested in any of your crap. And I think that's becoming a general thing with the population of now, nowadays, this general attitude. Everyone is just pushing out their own interests over everyone else's and that's what annoys me. The more interesting talks i do am having is with older people where they share their own life stories with patience to you. Or with my friends with whom I already share interests with. Sometimes with new people where we start off with a shared interest and go from there (taking this forum again as example, as we share interests online), but it's getting more rare in daily life. And these "weather talks" will always remain on the same level as they can ever be: the surface level. I don't care about surface level, I care about deeper talks.

That's become more of a problem, to my eyes, with how our "adult" civilization is evolving to. Solitude is becoming more common in that aspect as of it.

And please, do counterargument this, this is an invitation to do so, because I don't like this perspective I'm currently having.

 

[April]

Open question here. How come it is so difficult to form new relationships for adults. Being someone in their 30's myself, I agree with you here that I do notice people in general in this age section are having more
difficulty to create new relationships. But I'm wondering why this is the case. In general I notice people are much more reserved nowadays than in my 20's.

rant: And I.F**king.Hate.Smalltalk. the whole aspect of it. If I have to hear another stupid sentence about some trivial actual bullshit in someone's life I'm going to explode. "How was your day?" "My dog made a funny face when shitting on the sidewalk, it was hilaaaaarious" or the usual "my kid did blablabla, it was sooo cuuute, made pictures, look! LOOK!!!!!" "also let me tell everything about myself in my daily life" ... cool, thanks for the talk /rant.

@selfHater07 the only way you can socialize is put yourself out there and in general not be afraid of anyone's opinion. Most people just forget the impression of whatever you might find embarassing during the chat and honestly, most people don't get this impression. Socializing is a skill, like any other. Go to places which interest you, the people you meet there will share common interests, so you can share these aspects.

I wish there was a way to meet more (introverted) intuitives easily, it takes a while for us to open up, but goddamn is it fulfilling you can interact with someone who has a broader view on anything in life.

*is now sad because I am one of those over-sharers who talks about everything*

 

[April]

Thanks @JustPhil , just to clarify though (in general), I get the purpose of smalltalk, it's useful to introduce commonalities between eachother and to have some common ground to talk to eachother with on a subject you share. It's fun to share some new findings between eachother on something that you share , but more than often when people start talking they are just trying to showcase how interesting their mundane lifes are...and I just don't care anymore. I listen but I rapidly start to lose interest.

And it's the same with from someone else's perspective towards me. For example, when I start talking about philoshopical topics during work, it takes a quick couple seconds to lose everyone's interest in no time. So I tend to close off these topics in general. I get that it's not interesting for everyone.

Anecdotal example; I had a book of Socrates on me during work from the company's library. The remarks I got was "oh, so, you're reading about psychology?" and "don't read to much philosophy, you might get crazy ". Fuck these dumb remarks, I just get annoyed by them. Instead let's talk about the daily crap the news is dumping on us to talk about. No, I don't care. It's prefiltered crap no one cares about.

If you don't respect my interests, then don't expect me to be interested in any of your crap. And I think that's becoming a general thing with the population of now, nowadays, this general attitude. Everyone is just pushing out their own interests over everyone else's and that's what annoys me. The more interesting talks i do am having is with older people where they share their own life stories with patience to you. Or with my friends with whom I already share interests with. Sometimes with new people where we start off with a shared interest and go from there (taking this forum again as example, as we share interests online), but it's getting more rare in daily life. And these "weather talks" will always remain on the same level as they can ever be: the surface level. I don't care about surface level, I care about deeper talks.

That's become more of a problem, to my eyes, with how our "adult" civilization is evolving to. Solitude is becoming more common in that aspect as of it.

Glad you clarified, I was sad LOL. I start to lose interest from others quickly when I start talking about MBTI... LMAO I must talk about it too much!

 

[dragulagu]

*is now sad because I am one of those over-sharers who talks about everything*

I don't mind someone oversharing, I get that, it's to release some energy/comfort in outing their thoughts. It's just that I noticed I lost the patience to hear someone out nowadays and I yearn to discuss more heavy topics like philosophy etc.

 

[dragulagu]

I sound kinda elitist, don't I

 

[April]

I sound kinda elitist, don't I

Not really, you sound like a guy who knows what he likes and doesn't like to discuss, and gets impatient with shallow things. I can understand that.

 

[dragulagu]

Not really, you sound like a guy who knows what he likes and doesn't like to discuss, and gets impatient with shallow things. I can understand that.

Thanks April, that's a pretty rare compliment towards my character, very appreciated!

 

[April]

Thanks April, that's a pretty rare compliment towards my character, very appreciated!

Welcome!

 

[David54]

It's a difficult thing , this forming relationships when socializing is painful. I just wait for it to occur on it's own, because it eventually does. Being repeatedly placed in social settings, at work, school, church. . you will connect eventually due to proximity. But you have to put a little of your own effort into it too. You can become a self fulfilling prophesy if you avoid everyone, and outcast yourself

 

[Somnium]

I have tried a lot of times to persuade myself to socialize, but really just cannot be bothered. Be it clubs, bars or even Mosques (I know it's hilarious to put them in the sentence, but I happen to be a Muslim, albeit with very week spirituality at this moment in time, but a lot of Muslims use Mosques as a place for socializing).

The whole socializing thing can be 100x harder if you put yourself under this pressure of socializing every time you get the chance of doing it. I know it sounds unreal, but if you go to a club (And that’s because of your own will), think about stuff other than socializing so hard, it may help. This way social interactions can happen more naturally

Having said all the above things I wrote, I'm not shy at all. In fact, if anything, people sometimes get amazed about straight forward I can be. I also don't difficulty making friends if I do happen to meet people. Which is why, I do have some friends who I met during my university days. But after leaving University I haven't really managed to make new friends. As for relationships, I never really had one, even though I dated a few.

Is there anyone else who is like me? Who can't be arsed about socializing? If yes, how did you find good friends and girlfriends and have relationships? I ask this question especially to the guys, because we have to do the actual work for find a relationships, women usually have it quite easy. In some cases, women don't even have to socialize that much, guys somehow manage to find them anyway, lol.

So, please enlighten me. Thanks.

Ambivert, I would’ve guessed. Anyone who appreciates a quality time on their own knows how precious social interactions can be, also, how big of an energy consumer they are as well hahaha
Honestly, there was a time in which I would be ultimately weird even thinking about talking to someone (even the supermarket’s cashier), but after understanding how much I value relationships in my life, I started to pressure myself less about socializing all the time. This way, if there’s a chance of getting to know someone or Enjoying that social interaction, before my overthinking issues start kicking I would just be there making the most of the situation on my way. It’s about respecting your limits but also keeping your wishes in mind.

P.s. Being an introverted female never made it less difficult with social events tho haha what worked for me was just knowing I could be a little better with myself. Why depriving myself so much when I also wanted long lasting relationships?

 

[Asa]

@selfHater07 - You haven't changed your user name yet. You deserve something better.

Is online an option for making friends?

One of my closest friends is like you. He is solitary. He's made a few friends at work, and most of his other friendships are via the web of friends he made when younger. I don't think he wants it any other way. He would like to meet a woman but he is unwilling to expand his social outings.

I think you need to compromise and go to some events if you want more friends and the potential to date. You don't need to stay long, and you can choose quieter events with fewer people.