How do you experience empathy?

[Professor Snep]

but what does that feel like to you? How do you experience it? Do you ever have moments of uncontrolled empathy? Does it ever confuse you? Do you have trouble differentiating what you are feeling from what other people are feeling?

Someone once told me empathy consists in being able to understand someone's feelings, motivations and desires, without being that other person. Which implies there's still some distance, contrary to sympathising.

Dunno about what you think about that?

 

[Eventhorizon]

Someone once told me empathy consists in being able to understand someone's feelings, motivations and desires, without being that other person. Which implies there's still some distance, contrary to sympathising.

Dunno about what you think about that?

I dont think thats true. I dont think anyone can ever truly "understand" another person. Only that they can make some good guesses in that regard because they know how they themselves would feel in certain situations and apply that when relating to others.

 

[acd]

Someone once told me empathy consists in being able to understand someone's feelings, motivations and desires, without being that other person. Which implies there's still some distance, contrary to sympathising.

Dunno about what you think about that?

I think that sounds like cognitive empathy.

 

[WonkyOracle]

Anybody remember the TV show Millennium with Lance Henriksen?

Yeah, like that!

 

[Eventhorizon]

I remember being in a hotel lobby once watching a daddy long leg walk across the lobby. I stood there and couldn't take my eyes off it. Debating how involved I wanted to get . To save it (move it outside) I would have to look for a cup and paper in a place I was not famliar with. Plus I would have to take the time while others watched me. As I watched the creature walk I felt a build up...almost like a scream inside. "You can't die an insignificant death in a hotel, you must be free!" Or...something along those lines.
So I found a paper coffee cup and an insert from a magazine, obtained the spider and moved it outside.
I seem to have empathy for everything but humans. Or...maybe it's just that I recognize most humans have a better ability to correct their course than I do.
Who knows.

 

[ImaginaryBloke]

Sympathy

Empathy​

 

[Icedream]

hot topic

 

[Misty]

We know that empathetic people put themselves in other people's shoes and experience what they are going through, but what does that feel like to you? How do you experience it? Do you ever have moments of uncontrolled empathy? Does it ever confuse you? Do you have trouble differentiating what you are feeling from what other people are feeling? Why do you think this happens? What is the psychology behind it? I've read a little about it and some articles say a history of trauma primes the brain to pick up and respond quickly to emotional cues. That makes sense.

Other people's emotions make me uncomfortable and anxious. I want to get to a point where I can clearly separate myself from others' experiences and process it correctly to offer whatever help is necessary. Empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. But I have trouble understanding those feelings in the moment. I guess these experiences are examples of emotional empathy, and not cognitive empathy.

I’ve been thinking a lot about something lately. Something that I usually brush off, or think is the result of a hyperactive imagination. Or maybe some kind of mental illness. I thought it was just social anxiety. I thought I was just naturally anxious and awkward. But what if I am awkward because I am picking something up and not processing it? But just trying to escape it? What if I just don’t know how to manage it, and so in certain social situations, I start to feel frantic and become skittish? Maybe I'm picking up nonverbal cues and not consciously processing them? I feel things after interacting with people that don't line up with the way people are behaving and with what they are saying. I always thought I was just socially inept, but lately, it's happened a few times--the person I've interacted with will inadvertently confirm that I was absorbing what they were feeling during our last interaction.

An example: A few months ago, I had a meeting with a new client and his mother. It was the first time that I had met them.

She was pleasant and polite. She was very cooperative in answering my questions. But there was just something so off. I felt so extremely uncomfortable with her, like I just had to get out of there. But it wasn’t because I wanted to leave-- I felt like she desperately wanted me out of there. She NEVER once said or even did anything to convey this that I recall. She was pleasant but seemed guarded, which is normal I think when you have someone you have never met come into your home and ask personal questions about your kid. She didn’t seem to really act any different than many of the other families I meet with for the first time. I tried to be easy going and informal and conversational with her, and still it didn’t ease the tension. I didn’t know why I felt this tension. But this is how I felt: I felt like I was some type of threat. And that made me feel guilty and wrong and confused. It made no sense because I felt like I was there to help.

I couldn't make sense of my reaction. These were nice people, I never thought they meant me any harm while I was in their home. I was really puzzled by this for weeks until my next meeting with her. At my next meeting, she opened up and confided that she had been abused by her son's father, her ex-husband, and that since leaving, he used the legal system to victimize her through the courts. She explained that she was afraid when she met me that her husband would somehow find a way to badger her through my involvement with her son. And it made sense then, that what I was feeling when I met with her, was what she was feeling.

It's happened online. Someone posted a response to me on a forum in a thread I created and I just remember reading the post and feeling like a huge emotional blowback. It was like a psychic- energy explosion. I read their post several times over and the words didn't line up with my reaction to the post. I thought I was imagining it and it confused me. The content did not match my reaction to reading it. So I didn't say or do anything, but just kept this all in the back of my mind. Then, MONTHS later, in a PM, this person inadvertently brought up the post and told me they were feeling very strongly when they posted it. This was not a controversial thread topic.

Those are just two examples. The most recent ones. They are salient because the people later confirmed what I experienced.

Anyway, please share your thoughts and experiences.

"I've read a little about it and some articles say a history of trauma primes the brain to pick up and respond quickly to emotional cues. That makes sense."

100%. After a trauma I saw a therapist to ensure all was properly digested.. I do not believe in therapy for myself, so even the few visits felt odd but it is sort of the usual medical route in Holland..

She told me most people coming to her with PTSS have had 1 or 2 major life traumas and that, in my first visit, they had counted 19.. She asked how I was smiling and positive.. Strength. Strength is the answer. Fires either turn you to ash..dust, or they weld you like steel.. I was told because I am an HSP / INFJ that suffered trauma from a young child through adulthood.. of many kinds, with a highly manipulative narc parent and a the other parent suicidal.. that I developed an abnormal amount of antennae.. Where most people had 2.. comparing me to a caterpillar..
I had thousands(( this is her example, not mine )).
She said that people like me then became highly empathic humans.. This recipe makes perfect sense to me.. Then she explained that as a child I never knew what to expect just walking out into the kitchen every morning... and that I had to learn, and fast, how to read a room.. to become a human berometer.. I agree with her completely. What a cool therapist she was.. I was finishing her sentences thirty minutes in. o.o

I don't tell this to sound cool and psychic.. tho I am both!! LOL.. jokeeee.. .. But maybe this explanation helps guide your own confusion, acd, as to why your berometer may not be as developed as mine..

 

[Misty]

We know that empathetic people put themselves in other people's shoes and experience what they are going through, but what does that feel like to you? How do you experience it? Do you ever have moments of uncontrolled empathy? Does it ever confuse you? Do you have trouble differentiating what you are feeling from what other people are feeling? Why do you think this happens? What is the psychology behind it? I've read a little about it and some articles say a history of trauma primes the brain to pick up and respond quickly to emotional cues. That makes sense.

Other people's emotions make me uncomfortable and anxious. I want to get to a point where I can clearly separate myself from others' experiences and process it correctly to offer whatever help is necessary. Empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. But I have trouble understanding those feelings in the moment. I guess these experiences are examples of emotional empathy, and not cognitive empathy.

I’ve been thinking a lot about something lately. Something that I usually brush off, or think is the result of a hyperactive imagination. Or maybe some kind of mental illness. I thought it was just social anxiety. I thought I was just naturally anxious and awkward. But what if I am awkward because I am picking something up and not processing it? But just trying to escape it? What if I just don’t know how to manage it, and so in certain social situations, I start to feel frantic and become skittish? Maybe I'm picking up nonverbal cues and not consciously processing them? I feel things after interacting with people that don't line up with the way people are behaving and with what they are saying. I always thought I was just socially inept, but lately, it's happened a few times--the person I've interacted with will inadvertently confirm that I was absorbing what they were feeling during our last interaction.

An example: A few months ago, I had a meeting with a new client and his mother. It was the first time that I had met them.

She was pleasant and polite. She was very cooperative in answering my questions. But there was just something so off. I felt so extremely uncomfortable with her, like I just had to get out of there. But it wasn’t because I wanted to leave-- I felt like she desperately wanted me out of there. She NEVER once said or even did anything to convey this that I recall. She was pleasant but seemed guarded, which is normal I think when you have someone you have never met come into your home and ask personal questions about your kid. She didn’t seem to really act any different than many of the other families I meet with for the first time. I tried to be easy going and informal and conversational with her, and still it didn’t ease the tension. I didn’t know why I felt this tension. But this is how I felt: I felt like I was some type of threat. And that made me feel guilty and wrong and confused. It made no sense because I felt like I was there to help.

I couldn't make sense of my reaction. These were nice people, I never thought they meant me any harm while I was in their home. I was really puzzled by this for weeks until my next meeting with her. At my next meeting, she opened up and confided that she had been abused by her son's father, her ex-husband, and that since leaving, he used the legal system to victimize her through the courts. She explained that she was afraid when she met me that her husband would somehow find a way to badger her through my involvement with her son. And it made sense then, that what I was feeling when I met with her, was what she was feeling.

It's happened online. Someone posted a response to me on a forum in a thread I created and I just remember reading the post and feeling like a huge emotional blowback. It was like a psychic- energy explosion. I read their post several times over and the words didn't line up with my reaction to the post. I thought I was imagining it and it confused me. The content did not match my reaction to reading it. So I didn't say or do anything, but just kept this all in the back of my mind. Then, MONTHS later, in a PM, this person inadvertently brought up the post and told me they were feeling very strongly when they posted it. This was not a controversial thread topic.

Those are just two examples. The most recent ones. They are salient because the people later confirmed what I experienced.

Anyway, please share your thoughts and experiences.

Wow... The stories resonate. If I had to diagnose I would say you're empathic and don't really grasp it yet.. The experience you had with the woman in her home reallyyyy resonates for me. I call this experience "sponging". I hate it. Of course you felt weird, and on edge, and nervous.. fear even is normal in this instance.. tbh.. because you were soakinggg up all her vibes... All that fear and paranoia she was exploding with internally was radiating onto you like waves from an atomic bomb.. Just that her bomb.. was emotional.

 

[acd]

"I've read a little about it and some articles say a history of trauma primes the brain to pick up and respond quickly to emotional cues. That makes sense."

100%. After a trauma I saw a therapist to ensure all was properly digested.. I do not believe in therapy for myself, so even the few visits felt odd but it is sort of the usual medical route in Holland..

She told me most people coming to her with PTSS have had 1 or 2 major life traumas and that, in my first visit, they had counted 19.. She asked how I was smiling and positive.. Strength. Strength is the answer. Fires either turn you to ash..dust, or they weld you like steel.. I was told because I am an HSP / INFJ that suffered trauma from a young child through adulthood.. of many kinds, with a highly manipulative narc parent and a the other parent suicidal.. that I developed an abnormal amount of antennae.. Where most people had 2.. comparing me to a caterpillar..
I had thousands(( this is her example, not mine )).
She said that people like me then became highly empathic humans.. This recipe makes perfect sense to me.. Then she explained that as a child I never knew what to expect.. just walking out into the kitchen every morning... and that I had to learn, and fast.. how to read the room.. to become a human berometer.. I agree with her completely. What a cool therapist she was.. I was finishing her sentences thirty minutes in. o.o

I don't tell this to sound cool and psychic.. tho I am both!! LOL.. jokeeee.. .. But maybe this explanation helps guide your own confusion, acd, as to why your berometer may not be as developed as mine..

Thank you for replying!!

I think the trauma theory makes a lot of sense.

My father was extremely abusive to my mother and brother growing up. He didn't target me so much as he did them. It still was traumatic. He was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive to them frequently and verbally and emotionally abusive to me at times. But my mom left with us after he chased us out of the house with a loaded gun when I was 8. Then as an adult, I had a brief relationship with someone abusive but I was able to leave once it got physical. Ever since I was young, I've always focused on reading people and intuiting or guessing things about them in anticipation. But this is done consciously. It's like a conscious habit.

But I just have these rare and very intense instances where it comes out of nowhere, and I get hooked into someone else's pain or experience by surprise. Like being bombarded by someone else's emotional energy that they are trying to keep hidden. But their feelings are so strong they can't contain them. Do you experience that, too?

 

[Misty]

You know, to be honest I also think this kind of empath is partially genetic.. sounds odd but true. My mother experienced traumas too, but nothing like mine and she "just knew things" all the time.. I told a story in Happy Phantom's psychic experiences post about her wanting for years to go on her first ski trip and turning it down on a gut feeling of utter dread.. and nothing else. That weekend the guy who took her spot in the car died when the car wrecked and a pole went through the rear seat. I had a similar experience years later..

I'd like to hear a skeptic explain that one to me.. lol. She must have just been picking up on "cues" from the people around her eh??

 

[acd]

Wow... The stories resonate. If I had to diagnose I would say you're empathic and don't really grasp it yet.. The experience you had with the woman in her home reallyyyy resonates for me. I call this experience "sponging". I hate it. Of course you felt weird, and on edge, and nervous.. fear even is normal in this instance.. tbh.. because you were soakinggg up all her vibes... All that fear and paranoia she was exploding with internally was radiating onto you like waves from an atomic bomb.. Just that her bomb.. was emotional.

Ok just read this, lol. Yes! Sponging! It feels like you're just soaking up the other's energies. It's not conscious.

 

[acd]

You know, to be honest I also think this kind of empath is partially genetic.. sounds odd but true. My mother experienced traumas too, but nothing like mine and she "just knew things" all the time.. I told a story in Happy Phantom's psychic experiences post about her wanting for years to go on her first ski trip and turning it down on a gut feeling of utter dread.. and nothing else. That weekend the guy who took her spot in the car died when the car wrecked and a pole went through the rear seat. I had a similar experience years later..

I'd like to hear a skeptic explain that one to me.. lol. She must have just been picking up on "cues" from the people around her eh??

That's what @Sandie33 said earlier. That some are born that way. I'm not sure what to make of it. My mom has had a lot of "paranormal" experiences... But I don't know if I believe in supernatural stuff like that-- psychics. But I do think there are things we don't yet understand that maybe can be explained.

 

[Misty]

Thank you for replying!!

I think the trauma theory makes a lot of sense.

My father was extremely abusive to my mother and brother growing up. He didn't target me so much as he did them. It still was traumatic. He was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive to them frequently and verbally and emotionally abusive to me at times. But my mom left with us after he chased us out of the house with a loaded gun when I was 8. Then as an adult, I had a brief relationship with someone abusive but I was able to leave once it got physical. Ever since I was young, I've always focused on reading people and intuiting or guessing things about them in anticipation. But this is done consciously. It's like a habit.

But I just have these rare and very intense instances where it comes out of nowhere, and I get hooked into someone else's pain or experience by surprise. Like being bombarded by someone else's emotional energy that they are trying to keep hidden. But their feelings are so strong they can't contain them. Do you experience that, too?

lollll.. Do I?? Oh yes... In fact every day I experience this. I cannot seperate from anyones vibes. Even clerks and strangers in stores.. It is intense but I have learned it gives me the edge in all communications..

When you let go and learn to harness it.. it becomes a gift to you instead of a curse..

 

[Icedream]

How would you say you reached that?

 

[acd]

How would you say you reached that?

That is my question, too. For so long, I have been blocking myself from people or being aloof. It's hard to break out of that. I try to keep in mind how I am feeling prior to interactions so that if it pops up, I can focus on that to try and see what's going on. But my unconscious animal brain mostly just reacts to the discomfort and wants to block and get away.

 

[Misty]

That's what @Sandie33 said earlier. That some are born that way. I'm not sure what to make of it. My mom has had a lot of "paranormal" experiences... But I don't know if I believe in supernatural stuff like that-- psychics. But I do think there are things we don't yet understand that maybe can be explained.

I have had those experiences since childhood.. I could tell you stories lol..

Yes I agree with her. I do agree there are those of us whom it is so strong for, that I feel sure we are born with this.. Now imagine someone born so - who then goes through traumas for years and you have got one hairy caterpillar on your hands, acd

 

[Icedream]

was that a fat joke?

 

[Misty]

Ok just read this, lol. Yes! Sponging! It feels like you're just soaking up the other's energies. It's not conscious.

No.. you cannot stop it. Not to sound creepy..
*she says, whilst sounding creepy*.. lol. But really it isn't something you can just shut off.

 

[Icedream]

was that a fat joke?

wow. what is this? I feel like this would be funny under dozens of layers of irony, but this is beyond me