How do you build rapport with an INFJ? | INFJ Forum

How do you build rapport with an INFJ?

GYX_Kid

GYX_Kid

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Oct 10, 2011
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Okay, well that's not exactly the question...
but it seems like whenever I'm kind of quiet and not really doing much around an INFJ, I almost get a vibe that they assume I'm not interested; in other words, they expect me to "make the first move" if I'm at all interested in spending any time with them.

I'm an INTP and I also tend to kind of chill around, not usually going out of my way much to initiate contact with most people. But most people I'd be fine with having a conversation with, hanging out with, etc. There doesn't tend to be such a "reason" to the fact that I'm talking with somebody.

It seems like since INFJ is "choosier" about who they would want to spend time with, there's a possibility about there being an assumption that I'm pickier than I actually am (and even some fear that I don't like something about them)- when in fact, I'm really just in my own world, doing my own thing until someone else happens to wander into it (or, in occasional cases, when I happen to put someone into the world I'm navigating).

Should I try being the friendly initiator more often? It would probably benefit me in that area for general practice, too ...even though most of the time, I tend to be content on my own :D


Other than that, what do some of you find a lot of meaning in relating to others about?
I see threads here about relationships and emotional struggles, which I'll be somewhat more versed in once I learn my own emotions to as deep a degree as I can, haha.

But other NF's still seem to be easier...ENFPs are usually really friendly (to practically anyone, anyway), INFPs still too but to a lesser degree,

I know some cool INFJs and ENFJs, but the E's are really extroverted while the I's are really introverted. For some reason there seems to be more of an extreme between the E/I-ness of the NJ's than in the NP's....in my experience.

I guess the thing is that most other types don't seem to require as much work to keep up with. I can say nothing to an ISTP friend for months, and he'll still call me to hang out. It seems like there might be something else going on in the mind of an INFJ...regarding me? And if so, what... is what I'm trying to learn more about.


---On second thought: I probably painted somewhat of a picture of the INFJs in my experience as cold and aloof, which is actually what I am. Both of us are "chill" and open to most interactions. INFJs just take relationships more seriously, in a ...judging...way, I guess.

Maybe it would help to ..appear less cold, too? Even though both of us probably think we're being perfectly approachable. I just get the feeling that there are some possible assumptions going on in their head, which could very well be their thought about me too. Maybe they also see my coldness in a way that most others don't, and then actually react (or hesitate to act) towards it.
 
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I know I appear to be cold and aloof (I've been told this before)... people sometimes even think I'm angry. That's pretty far from the actual truth, but I have to know somebody for a quite a while before I can let them in. See if you can find a topic they're interested in/ feel strongly about; I can always talk pretty freely about that type of stuff... overtime it can help build a relationship/friendship. I can't say what your friend may be thinking, but if I lose contact with friends I'm inclined to think they're very busy or don't care at all...(this probably varies quite a bit based on the indivudal/learned experience)
 
Same with me too, people sometimes think I'm angry or depressed when I'm not really.

The substance-heavy topic is definitely a good suggestion, someone could get me to open up pretty well too, with that.


Well in my case there are two INFJs who aren't just friends- one's my brother who I feel I should be closer to on a daily basis relative to other family members who don't happen to have as much in common

and one's a really hot girl who smiled at me and then I knee-jerk reacted by smiling a little but kind of hinted "yeah, I'm the meat to chase, not you" instead of going to talk to her after she gave that green light ....something on her face then seemed to suggest that wasn't the perfect move. Although I think there is some at least salt-grain amount of tension even though we haven't even officially met yet (based on not only that little scenario); and it seems like to fertilize that "mystery" into something and not mess it up, it's going to take something either not as natural for me, or a very particular route. She also miiiiight be an ISFJ. She's also from Taiwan, so there's whatever that brings into it as well...might be at least equally as much of a culturally formed habit, as a directly psychosocial-analyzed-in-these-terms one.
 
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My advice would be to disclose personal information about yourself. Disclose something that's going on in your life right now that's important to you. Something that YOU are having an emotional reaction to. This doesn't work on thinker types, but it should work well with INFJs. INFJs are empaths, they are all about the feelings. Give them something to empathize with, to react to, to support you on. And generally speaking, they like to listen more than they like to talk.

This is obviously much easier to do for your brother. You can just launch right into your story. I don't know what's going on in your life right now, so I'm going to make up some examples from my life. You might say something like "You like hot chocolate? I'm totally hooked on hot chocolate right now. I had 3 cups today. I bought one of those 2kg canisters for $20. Good shit. It's like liquid candy. You should try some, it's amazing. I'm gonna gain so much weight." Don't worry so much about the INFJs looking at you funny, and wondering why you're telling this to them. They "get it". They understand that people yak for the sake of yakking. They understand that it's bonding. They understand that people like to share whatever they are feeling with others, just for the sake of sharing in the feeling.

Or you could disclose something more serious. For example: "My best friend went to California for a week. It's just not the same without her. Even for a few days. She's like, my companion. She's always there with me, we talk every day. Now it feels like I'm missing an arm." I guarantee you an INFJ will have a very reactive response to that.

For the INFJ female who you do not know, I don't know. Really depends on what the situation is.
 
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[MENTION=1798]Feelings[/MENTION] had solid advice.

I come across as cold and aloof myself. Being an introverted intuitive can make focusing on your environment somewhat difficult. As soon as INFJs are approached, though, their Fe "activates" and, more often than not, if you seem genuine, they will gladly talk to you.
I personally don't feel a need to maintain friendships very much. If I have a friend I haven't seen in a long time, I'll be happy to see them even if it's been years. No, I think INFJs generally prefer to have no more than a few acquaintances at a time because of how much work it is having them.
If you're trying to make a close friend out of an INFJ, you'll definitely experience some difficulty. Being casual acquaintances is fine and dandy, but we are not likely to share the wealth of feelings, experiences, ideas, that we carry around. We are notoriously very choosy as to who we open ourselves up to, only because we know all too well how treacherous people can be, and because we tend to think that most people will not understand us or our thoughts.

I want an INFJ friend. I'm the only one I know IRL.
 
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First of all, no matter what you do, just be honest about it. One of the first things I pick up on is someone forcing themselves to do something or acting artificial. To me, that screams, "keep away!".

Second, find something to share and laugh about. I'm a lot more open and comfortable around people who can relax and enjoy themselves a bit, or at least show they have the capability of doing so.
 
GYX_Kid said:
Same with me too, people sometimes think I'm angry or depressed when I'm not really.

The substance-heavy topic is definitely a good suggestion, someone could get me to open up pretty well too, with that.


Well in my case there are two INFJs who aren't just friends- one's my brother who I feel I should be closer to on a daily basis relative to other family members who don't happen to have as much in common

and one's a really hot girl who smiled at me and then I knee-jerk reacted by smiling a little but kind of hinted "yeah, I'm the meat to chase, not you" instead of going to talk to her after she gave that green light ....something on her face then seemed to suggest that wasn't the perfect move. Although I think there is some at least salt-grain amount of tension even though we haven't even officially met yet (based on not only that little scenario); and it seems like to fertilize that "mystery" into something and not mess it up, it's going to take something either not as natural for me, or a very particular route. She also miiiiight be an ISFJ. She's also from Taiwan, so there's whatever that brings into it as well...might be at least equally as much of a culturally formed habit, as a directly psychosocial-analyzed-in-these-terms one.
Click to expand...

I wish I had a better relationship with my one sibling (younger sister)... we were just never close. We always got along fine, but we just never really seemed like family... more like an acquaintance I couldn't relate to well (I'd still do anything for her/help her, but as I said we were never close). I never really enjoyed listening to idle chat about random stuff (maybe I don't fit the criteria well), but I was always up for talking/trying to help with personal problems (or talking about topics I'm personally invested/interested in). As for the girl trouble, I'm relatively clueless... but I rarely/never actively chase; I have to stumble into relationships (that may have to do with my own insecurities though).
 
the people i warm up to are those who respect my sensitivities. not coddle me about them, but acknowledge that they are a part of who i am and how i process things.
be interested in the things that matter to me, and yes they may seem trivial to you, but if you want rapport with me you need to care on a deeper level.
oh yes, and don't be loud - i hate loud people
 
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I don't want to be the one putting most of the work into a relationship. I will, if I get decent feedback, but, I need signs of interest, and I prefer others to initiate communication or get togethers, because I hate to ask for things, due to pride, and fear of rejection. Infjs observe, and try to figure people out before engaging. We like to get a read on motive, and sincerity. I will start detaching if the communication lapses for too long, and assume I am not important to someone. I never want to be the one who cares more, though secretly I will harbor feelings for a long time, but I will try to ignore them. I prefer to be fine without people, and don't care to need them. People have to consistently communicate with me, or I will start letting them go. Not sure if this is helpful.

I also mirror what Jgirl, lerxst, and subwayrider said above. Really solid advice.
 
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Well... if you want to go alllll the way to the point where the INFJ is disclosing their own personal sensitive shit to you... that's like a whole different game. It takes a fair bit of skill. You need to know how to validate them, make them feel safe and comfortable with you, they need to trust you, and you need to understand them. Takes a lot of feeler skills, which takes time and practice to develop. There's no way to fake it. You gotta know WTF is up on a deeper level.

Another way, is to simply be a friend to them. A friend that perhaps doesn't understand them, but has the best of intentions. This is more hit and miss, but if enough time passes, you'll get your personal disclosures.
 
Agreed.
 
And you know what, I like talking about my own shit, and I care not so much to learn about the lives of others (unless I love them or something), SO IT WORKS.
 
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Feelings said:
And you know what, I like talking about my own shit, and I care not so much to learn about the lives of others (unless I love them or something), SO IT WORKS.
Click to expand...

I tend to not to put up with that stuff.
 
Give equal validity to an INFJ's feelings as you would your INTP thoughts.
 
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I definitly can relate to the "you feel like they want you to make the first move"...in a social situation with me,if you're not making the first move,be it,initializing the conversation,making plans exc,I guess we'll both be sitting there looking like idiots because i sure as hell won't be making the first move! I think it has alot to do with the INFJ's fear of being judged negatively,fear of rejection exc.I've also heard many,many times over the years that i must be "mean","stuck-up","full of myself"...when that's simply not true.I'm just very introverted,shy,quiet and ,i admit,very picky about who i choose to speak to/associate with.Strangers trying to "small talk" about nothing important just literally drains me,so if i am talking,you must be talking about SOMETHING with some substance/importance.And as far as getting into my head or me exposing personal aspects about my life to you...that will never happen untill i know you,at least moderately,and feel comfortable enough..which sadly,i've only run across a select few that have been able to get me to that point.I will agreee that we can probobly be a hard type to actually get to know,or build a friendship with.But i will also say,that,once and if you can get an INFJ to that comfort zone and breakthrough,you couldn't ask for a more caring,loyal aquaintance.
 
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to me, the enneagram-type tells me more how to "build rapport" with an INFJ than the mbti-type. INFJs can have so many colours. you're an e5, i'm an e3, so it's probably quite different how we gonna approach people. same thing for e9s who are INFJs etc. i don't the see how the mbti-functions would tell me something about building rapport... they tell me how i perceive and how i judge.
 
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