How do I (INFJ) motivate my INFP boyfriend?

[Pin]

I’m all for jail time.

And... That's why I need to compliment my bachelorhood with a vasectomy.

 

[Happy Phantom]

And... That's why I need to compliment my bachelorhood with a vasectomy.

Then you won’t have the most beautiful wife and beautiful kids you want. Oops. Oh wellz. Lolz

 

[Pin]

Then you won’t have the most beautiful wife and beautiful kids you want. Oops. Oh wellz. Lolz

I'll hire actors.

 

[Happy Phantom]

Cowards who disown their children don’t deserve to be treated likes kings.

 

[Pin]

Cowards who disown their children don’t deserve to be treated likes kings.

Likewise, divorced fathers don't deserve to be treated like peasants.

 

[Pin]

Likewise, divorced fathers don't deserve to be treated like peasants.

The legal obligations of spousal-support (alimony) and child-support almost certainly guarantee that any rational man will stick-around.

Which man would rather experience this than remain a married husband and father?

Spoiler: this.

@Reason
Dr... Secretary of State... @Ren

Am I wrong?

 

[Reason]

@Reason
Dr... Secretary of State... @Ren

Am I wrong?

First of all, why don't I get a title?

Secondly, no.

fun fact: you don't even have to be a father to pay child support, sometimes there are clerical errors that result in someone having a similar name being billed and IF it is corrected you still don't get the money you paid back.

EDIT: Secretary of the Interior or Presidential Advisor, you pick

 

[Reason]

My boyfriend is a cool guy and we get along pretty well. He listens to me for the most part, but there are a couple of areas which are sore spots. I am much more career oriented than him and realize that in order to get ahead, I have to promote myself and network. He is a philosopher and a poet (with PhD in the former) but has been relatively poor for so long that he seems to not realize that in order to improve his (and our) situation, he has to dress better, promote his work (he has written a lot, both philosophical texts and poems), and network with others. I have tried to introduce him to my colleagues and other people in his field, but he comes across as either shy or unfriendly.

How do I motivate him to improve his situation? He seems to respond to me getting angry, but I would rather not be yelling at him. I yelled at him about his drinking and he has not touched alcohol since then (I didn´t say no alcohol at all). What should I do to make success a habit for him? He is very talented and able and it is a pity to let his talents go to waste.

Artists are famous for starving, philosophers also. If you wanted an earner you might have picked the wrong man. Not to sound like @Pin but maybe someone from the corporate world would have been more to your liking if money was important to you. Likewise if this man in particular is who you needed to be with then low income is a cheap price for love.

 

[Ren]

But if he was motivated enough to get a PhD in philosophy and an MA in poetry, he must be motivated to become successful, right?

I haven’t seen you mention what he himself wants to do, which is probably the most important aspect of it all. Are you sure he wants to be an academic? One can live off being an academic philosopher, though it’s a fiercely competitive field. I don’t think it’s possible to make a living from poetry alone.

What are his skills and what does he himself want to do: that’s probably where to start from. Maybe he’s just very passionate about philosophy but would rather pursue it freely, and take another kind of job instead. It’s actually quite common.

Dr... Secretary of State... @Ren

Am I wrong?

Honestly I don't know enough about the child support system in the USA to make a judgement. I should read more on this before I do so.

 

[Happy Phantom]

None of you know anything about my situation and I’m disappointed that you immediately side with the father without knowing any details.

@Pin you contradict yourself a lot. Get your head on straight man before you jump to conclusions.

 

[Happy Phantom]

@Pin stop speaking out of your ass. You gave the op some bullshit advice. How can you expect to be taken seriously when you don’t know wtf you’re writing about most of the time?

And dragging others in here to back up your ramblings is lame af.

 

[Pin]

None of you know anything about my situation and I’m disappointed that you immediately side with the father without knowing any details.

@Pin you contradict yourself a lot. Get your head on straight man before you jump to conclusions.

I was only speaking generally and not referring to any specific situation; you're right, fathers can be wrong too. I'm just saying that they're not always or even generally wrong necessarily.

I wasn't referring to your personal situation. I'm not criticizing you or your character. I was only generally speaking.

 

[Pin]

@Pin stop speaking out of your ass. You gave the op some bullshit advice. How can you expect to be taken seriously when you don’t know wtf you’re writing about most of the time?

And dragging others in here to back up your ramblings is lame af.

As blunt as my advice was, I don't think it was BS. I sincerely believe that a spouse and family is a strong incentive for most people.

As for dragging others in... I absolutely didn't need to do it, I just wondered what their opinions were. It's absolutely fine if you or anybody disagrees with me.

I'm not running a personality-cult here.

#NotStalinistRussia

 

[Lady Jolanda]

Artemisia, it doesn't surprise me that your boyfriend is less than receptive to your attempts at changing him. Would you be happy if your boyfriend told you that you shouldn't be so career oriented? "I do not like you for who you are, please adapt to my vision of who you should be". Nice. No. Love is built upon acceptance first and foremost. Acceptance, appreciation, and then wanting to make what he already is greater and more beautiful. You're a force amplifier. A catalyst. That's all you can be.

 

[Pin]

First of all, why don't I get a title?

Secondly, no.

fun fact: you don't even have to be a father to pay child support, sometimes there are clerical errors that result in someone having a similar name being billed and IF it is corrected you still don't get the money you paid back.

EDIT: Secretary of the Interior or Presidential Advisor, you pick

You will be appointed soon as Secretary of the Interior upon Senate confirmation.

Regarding mistaken child-support payments, it's unjust to be saddled with an obligation that is not your own on the basis of a similar name. Compensation not being received is an even greater injustice.

Are spousal-support (alimony) cases less susceptible to clerical error? If so, when is alimony ever morally justified?

In a child-support case, presuming no clerical error, why shouldn't the child-support payer be jailed if they don't pay? What is a more optimal solution?

 

[Happy Phantom]

As blunt as my advice was, I don't think it was BS. I sincerely believe that a spouse and family is a strong incentive for most people.

As for dragging others in... I absolutely didn't need to do it, I just wondered what their opinions were. It's absolutely fine if you or anybody disagrees with me.

I'm not running a personality-cult here.

#NotStalinistRussia

Just stop. Clearly you and I don’t agree.

 

[Scientia]

Artemisia, it doesn't surprise me that your boyfriend is less than receptive to your attempts at changing him. Would you be happy if your boyfriend told you that you shouldn't be so career oriented? "I do not like you for who you are, please adapt to my vision of who you should be". Nice. No. Love is built upon acceptance first and foremost. Acceptance, appreciation, and then wanting to make what he already is greater and more beautiful. You're a force amplifier. A catalyst. That's all you can be.

You can’t change people. You can accept who they are and help them to become better versions of themselves if your relationship is a mutually positive one but it has to be something they want in the first place.

 

[Reason]

Are spousal-support (alimony) cases less susceptible to clerical error? If so, when is alimony ever morally justified?

I honestly don't know how susceptible to clerical error alimony is. As for when its justified- we do have to question the basic assumption of alimony which is that women are stupid children and without the assistance of their ex-husbands they would starve. Although children may render a woman unemployable because she has obligations to care for the children, why is it that once a relationship ends the man is still somehow responsible for this woman?
I don't think it is justified because I don't think of women as being helpless. Read this story, and enjoy the naked greed on parade:
https://nationalpost.com/news/canad...-spousal-support-after-she-asked-to-triple-it

In a child-support case, presuming no clerical error, why shouldn't the child-support payer be jailed if they don't pay? What is a more optimal solution?

Maybe doing something that doesn't take away his ability to earn. First they take away certifications like being able to drive a forklift, then driver's license, then they outright jail you, even though debtor prisons have been outlawed for centuries- this is the one exception. Also you will notice that although they expect men to pay, in my list above they take away the exact means for one to be able to work. It makes no sense.

Another fun fact, in Canada if you poke holes in your condoms to trick a woman into pregnancy you go to jail. But if a woman does the same not only does she not go to jail for tricking her partner who, let's remember, acted in good faith and was completely responsible- but the man also has to pay child support for that baby that he was tricked into having.

Stealthing is not currently explicitly covered under Canadian law but could constitute crime based on a 2014 Supreme Court of Canada ruling. That decision, called R v. Hutchinson, upheld the sexual assault conviction of a man who poked holes in a condom without his partner's knowledge. He had been convicted of aggravated sexual assault and sentenced to 18 months in prison.

And we wonder why the marriage rates are plummeting.

 

[hauteur]

@Artemisia I'm married to an INFP. She, I think, easily admits that motivation is the bane of her existence. I know it's something we've struggled with in a variety of real-life scenarios that go beyond things like career. I think it is just a common aspect of INFPs if she is any kind of representative example. While our personality types are in no way an excuse to not deal with our responsibilities, it does play a big role in who we are and what our tendencies are.

I want to echo what several of the others have said - you can't change another person. You can only change you. That's a lesson that took me a long time to learn. Much longer than I care to admit. Trying to force or coerce your boyfriend into the way you think he ought to be is likely to create tension (at best, an absolute disaster at worst) in your relationship - especially with an INFP. Again, that's assuming that my experience is representative, but I believe INFPs H A T E to be told what to do or how to be.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't encourage him. We all need that, sometimes more than others. But be careful if you're trying to get him to be different than he is. Relationships work much better when you realize that you are individuals with different goals and values, and you're both doing the best that you know how to do at this very moment.

 

[Misadventure]

but I believe INFPs H A T E to be told what to do or how to be.

So much this! ^

<3