How do I get along with my mum? | INFJ Forum

How do I get along with my mum?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Matariki, Oct 10, 2009.

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  1. Matariki

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    My mum is a ENFJ.

    We have a tendency to argue allot with each other. My mum always thinks that she's right and if anything goes missing or wrong she blames me first. She makes me late for work, and every time I try to drive to work she panics thinking that I'm going to crash her car. She never lets me drive (I have never crashed once btw)

    She always leaves without telling me (which makes me late for school and work) usually I don't have enough time to walk to work or school because we live out 10 minutes drive from those locations (which works out 50 minutes walking time) being late gets me into trouble.

    She disapproves of me doing things such as going to the gym, martial arts, eatting healthy (strangely enough) She says it costs to much. I pay for allot of this out of my own money. When I correct her on that she just tells me its a waste of money.

    She is always saying to me that I won't make it in the film industry, which I find very discouraging and heart breaking. I love film, words cannot express how much I enjoy it.

    I feel there is a small part of her that wan'ts to care for me but most of the time its shadowed by her disapproval of what I do.

    Me and her were close when I was young (around when I was 8 years old) But then she started turning sour towards me when I was 13.

    She is hardly around anymore. I see her for a few hours a day.

    All I want is to be with my mother but she has always pushed me back. Its almost like there is some sort of wall there.



    The last time I remember giving her hug was when I was 9 years old before the death on my younger sister. I want to be able to give my mother a hug but there is a part of me that can't.

    I have always felt like I'm an object or a chess piece with her. She keeps telling me to get over myself or grow up. I feel like a little kid, a lost little kid walking with along side a stranger as far as me and my mother goes. I'm not the only one in my family that feels like that towards her (most of my sisters do)

    All I wan't is for her to love me and to be proud of me and to support me. You know, like what most mothers should do.

    I hear so many people tell me that they think their mother is annyoing because they wan't to give them a hug or they talk about how wonderful they are, sometimes I see their mothers come in with their lunch for the day!

    It makes me upset.

    I say to them "Well at least your mother gives a damn! My mother tells me to F off!" (which she does)

    She occasionally does that uptown as well, which embarrasses me.

    At the university she attends they call her "mum" shes really friendly around them. Quite motherly.

    Why?
     
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    #1 Matariki, Oct 10, 2009
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2009
  2. drsolace

    drsolace Community Member

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    Perhaps she needs to be confronted. The ENFJs that I have known need to be told exactly what they are doing wrong and how they are affecting others feelings and well-being. Although this case is much more serious, I'm wondering that if she is so emotional to people around her, perhaps she needs stronger emotions to get the message heard.

    I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through *hug*
     
    #2 drsolace, Oct 10, 2009
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2009
  3. NekoLove

    NekoLove Regular Poster

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    Do you think it's possible that she is holding out on affection because she was so hurt by the death of your sister? Maybe she's put up a wall to protect herself because she feels that loving anyone too intensely only sets her up for pain should anything happen to them. She might not even be aware that she's done this, it might just be a coping mechanism that she developed during her grief process.

    I'm sorry that she treats you so harshly. I'd say to just continue to let her know that you love and need her, and hope that she will soften as you get older, but I know that it probably isn't that easy. Best of luck to you! :(
     
  4. Pristinegirl

    Pristinegirl Well-known member

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    I honestly have no idea :/ If I knew, then I wouldn't have had as many downers as I have had.

    Just get the hell out of there as soon as you can.. emotional neglection is one of the harshest things a parent can do to their children!!
     
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  5. OP
    Matariki

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    So she's doing that because she loves me?

    I don't understand. She treats other people like she is their mother.

    My younger sister died when I was 9 years old. She was only an infant. Was there enough time for her to build that connection with her?

    I don't know If this has anything to do with it but she told me that she looked like me when I was a baby.

    Here is another element that might be in play. My mother keeps telling me that she is like her mother. My mother lost two of her brothers, one from a over dose and I think the other was shot.

    She told me that her mother was cold towards her (in the similar fashion to how she's cold towards me) except her mother would beat her (my mother did too in the past when I was a child)

    I'm still a tad confused.
     
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  6. OP
    Matariki

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    I intend too. I am making plans to move to either Canada or Japan so I can work on my film career. I feel bad though for walking away.
     
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  7. drsolace

    drsolace Community Member

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    She may be doing it because she does not want to "risk" loving you. As she's had many close family deaths, she may be distancing herself from family members. If she is emotionally distant; anything that happens to her family won't feel like such a huge impact. (Not initially, but the emotions can't be bottled inside forever)

    This may be because she feels comfortable being motherly to these people because they aren't family. There is no true responsibility for these people at the end of the day.

    She may be grieving because she didn't get enough time building a connection with your sister.

    Sounds like your mother has some sense of what she is doing wrong and is justifying it through the behaviour of her mother.
     
  8. Pristinegirl

    Pristinegirl Well-known member

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    Aw good that you have a plan. I want a film career too haha :)

    Those are the ghosts of this type of emotional abuse... You are always going ot be left feeling guilty, it will always feel like its your fault...
    The day when you can tell yourself that you had enough and leave. You will be liberated! =)

    I can feel my exit being around the corner and only thinking about it makes me happier because I have realised that my mom is not going to change.
     
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