Here's a doozie...Cohabit?

mintsoda

mintsoda

Newbie
MBTI
INFJ
I have a fun story.

I was recently in a brief relationship with an INTP who I have known for nearly 10 years. The first 2 years, we were intimately involved. The later 6, we occasionally exchanged fantastic emails. This last year, we are in the same locale again and hang out or email constantly.

We were quite recently involved physically for a just a few weeks, but in true INTP fashion, he realized there was no emotion in it for him and ended that aspect of the relationship.

And here we find ourselves exploring the possibility of getting an apartment together.

In some ways, this seems like the best idea ever. We are such good friends and both find it difficult to tolerate being around, much less living with, other people for very long. We like the same things, both like a lot of space...it could be great.

On the other hand, it could be the worst idea ever. I obviously have much more emotional attachment than he does. Living together could drive either or both of us crazy. And how could I ever stomach him being with another woman in our home? (Unlikely to happen, but not impossible.) Worse, would I be able to involve myself in another relationship if I'm living with him?

Thoughts?

PS: I am especially looking for reasons why this is a great idea, so that I can further delude myself into acquiescence. Give it your best.

PPS: Share stories of good/bad cohabit decisions?
 
Sounds too complicated to work; too complicated for either of you (you mainly) to come out of this unscathed.

But I like your honesty:
PS: I am especially looking for reasons why this is a great idea, so that I can further delude myself into acquiescence. Give it your best.
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I lived with an ex of mine. It was ok for awhile, but we weren't right for each other so I left. I wouldn't move in with anyone else unless I was
A.)married to them
or
B.) very good platonic friends

If you have feelings for him, why torture yourself living with him? You should expect that it's likely he will bring a love interest around eventually. Do you want to deal with that. Ever?
 
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I think the fact that you are hesitant about it should be proof enough that it probably won't work out for you. I know how badly you probably want it to work, but I think you know in the end that it won't. My advice would be don't do it, you're only going to put emotional strain on yourself.
 
That is all very "logical" and it may even be a good decision to back away slowly and run for the hills.

But this person is essentially a part of me. If we do not live together, it will be more difficult for us to spend time together, because it's such a hassle to travel to see each other and both of us would be uncomfortable spending much time at the other person's home with another roommate in the picture.

Even when the relationship is or has been completely platonic (as it is now), I am far closer to this person than to people with whom I have been in much "deeper" relationships.

So here's a different game. If we do live together, what are the considerations?
 
a home is his or your last line of retreat. if either of you is emotionally compromised then it makes your place terrible emotional security. he might not realise you're doing this to try get back together or make him see that he loves you.
 
Shai Gar said:
a home is his or your last line of retreat. if either of you is emotionally compromised then it makes your place terrible emotional security.
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This is true, and clearly the greatest concern. I'm not trying to get back together, though I would never object. In some ways, because there would be no line of retreat, I think we would be less likely to get together again while living together. Despite my silly girlishness here, I'm fairly steely. He is even more so.

Perhaps of note, as well: while I certainly have done nothing to discourage this idea, it was his to begin with.
 
I understand that you really do want to do this and you want it to work, but I ask you at what level? The fact that you are interested in him more in than a platonic relationship and he isn't in you is a recipe for disaster. If there is a tiny bit in you thinking 'well maybe he will be interested in me again' just proves even more how dangerous this can and probably will be. I understand how much you want this person in your life but until you both can completely agree as to which stage your relationship will be and remain (platonic or romantic), I would advise you to back away. I know you say you are currently in a platonic relationship, but if you have even the slightest hope that someday it will become something more than platonic, you're just playing with fire (and you're the tinder).

Do what you want, but that's my two cents.
 
Uh, as much as I'd like to help you in your 'deluding yourself into acquiescence' venture, I wouldn't feel great about lying through my teeth. I don't think it's a good idea. I'm with minorityfunk on this one. It sounds like you might have some ulterior motives; the romcom hope that preys on your better judgment that there might be a possibility that, once he sees enough of you, he'll realize how wonderful you truly are.

And yes, there is a small chance that might happen. When you're living in close quarters with a member of the opposite sex, the sexual tension tends to...erm, mount, and there definitely is a higher probability of eventually ending up in bed together again (especially if you've done it before). But if he doesn't have feelings for you, and there is an equal possibility that that won't change, you might turn into nothing but a booty-buddy. Or worse, get to see every detail of him going through the drama of pining after another girl while you stand by as his doting housemate.

If you're interested in this guy, it's best to play it cool and keep your distance. If you're around too much, he'll see you as convenient not as someone he can respectfully enter into a relationship with. I'm convinced that you're not after this living arrangement for platonic reasons, and I can tell you right now, I think you're setting yourself up for a lot of emotional turbulance if you follow through with this.

But hey, do what thou wilt.
 
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If you do this I think it will most likely end in tears. Yours, specifically.
 
mintsoda said:
I have a fun story.

I was recently in a brief relationship with an INTP who I have known for nearly 10 years. The first 2 years, we were intimately involved. The later 6, we occasionally exchanged fantastic emails. This last year, we are in the same locale again and hang out or email constantly.

We were quite recently involved physically for a just a few weeks, but in true INTP fashion, he realized there was no emotion in it for him and ended that aspect of the relationship.

And here we find ourselves exploring the possibility of getting an apartment together.

In some ways, this seems like the best idea ever. We are such good friends and both find it difficult to tolerate being around, much less living with, other people for very long. We like the same things, both like a lot of space...it could be great.

On the other hand, it could be the worst idea ever. I obviously have much more emotional attachment than he does. Living together could drive either or both of us crazy. And how could I ever stomach him being with another woman in our home? (Unlikely to happen, but not impossible.) Worse, would I be able to involve myself in another relationship if I'm living with him?

Thoughts?

PS: I am especially looking for reasons why this is a great idea, so that I can further delude myself into acquiescence. Give it your best.

PPS: Share stories of good/bad cohabit decisions?
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Been there, done that. All I can tell you is that it won't work, not if you have the intention of a romantic relationship with him. But like someone said above, you won't know if you don't try. Good luck :)
 
This can end badly....
 
I agree with everything everyone has already said.

And though it was different circumstances, I have experienced the pain of unrequited love for someone who lives so close to you. Its absolutely torture, especially when you're trying to seek the solace of your own space. And, even more than that, its almost impossible to get over someone when they're always there.

So, I caution you. Please think this through before you proceed.
 
I do appreciate everyone's responses. Though it's likely that we'll be living together anyway. Primarily because it solves both of our needs in a very practical sense, despite the fact that it may cause a fair amount of emotional discomfort for me in the near and/or long term.

My hope is that by living together, I'll be forced to get over any romantic feelings because I will be around this person all the time. If anything, the more time we spend together, the more I see him as a flawed human being (like any one else) who I can pull down from the pedestal and see as merely an important person in my life.
 
I sincerely do offer you the best of luck. I hope that you can prove us nay-sayers wrong! ( I mean it)
 
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