Helping friends but they shut you out. | INFJ Forum

Helping friends but they shut you out.

darkstar

darkstar

Community Member
Feb 9, 2009
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So your friends are hurting, obviously, as INFJs you try to help.

They shut you out/won't respond/want to be left alone.

How do you feel then?

I feel crappier than they do because I hate feeling like I have failed them or feeling like I can't be of any use.
 
You shouldn't -- I know as an INTJ, when I'm really distraught, if I don't want somebody to help, they'd only make it worse if they did try. I will appreciate the gesture, it's just that I do need to be alone.
 
Vagrant said:
You shouldn't -- I know as an INTJ, when I'm really distraught, if I don't want somebody to help, they'd only make it worse if they did try. I will appreciate the gesture, it's just that I do need to be alone.
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Well, I'm talking about an ENFJ so yeah...

You're really from AZ? Cool.
 
I think I would give them their space. I would let them know if they wanted to talk to me about their problems I would be more than willing to listen, all they have to do is give me a call....
 
I have learned to not take it personally when I try to help someone and they ignore it. Of course, this will always be a work in progress for me, because I have a terrible habit of giving unscolicited advice, and when people reject it in a mean way, I can't help but feel bad.

The one thing I will always do though is respect people's need for space when they are upset. I will start by saying, "I am here if you need me", and by then people will tell me "I would rather be alone", and I respect that. Largely because if I want to be alone, I WILL be alone. I understand it very well.
 
Well, yes, but also in general I feel like I reach out and get my arms chopped off.

What I mean by that is not only do I try to help people, but when I try to build those deeper relationships that INFJs desire so much they tend to shy away from that. :/

I sometimes can't get past "hey, how's it going?"
 
I'm one to push people away when I'm in a bad mood so when people do it to me I just let them be. There's not much you can do but assure them you will be waiting when they decide to open up again.
 
darkstar said:
Well, yes, but also in general I feel like I reach out and get my arms chopped off.

What I mean by that is not only do I try to help people, but when I try to build those deeper relationships that INFJs desire so much they tend to shy away from that. :/

I sometimes can't get past "hey, how's it going?"
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You don't need to reach your arms out -- just be there for them if they need it. If they want your comfort, they'll come to you.

(Oh, and yes, I am in Arizona. I'm originally from California though)
 
Vagrant said:
You don't need to reach your arms out -- just be there for them if they need it. If they want your comfort, they'll come to you.

(Oh, and yes, I am in Arizona. I'm originally from California though)
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Well, I don't mean literally, I mean reaching out, just as much for me as for them, maybe more. I just seem to be having trouble having any sort of deep friendships/relationships.

The last thing I want is a bunch of flaky acquaintances. I want friends, and (off topic) a girlfriend.
 
Sounds like you need to find some friends that like you for you. These people seem to not want or appreciate you help.. Just food for thought..
 
efromm said:
Sounds like you need to find some friends that like you for you. These people seem to not want or appreciate you help.. Just food for thought..
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Not always the case. For me it is more an issue of trust, and building trust takes more work than simply trying to help people when they are feeling bad.
 
darkstar said:
Well, yes, but also in general I feel like I reach out and get my arms chopped off.

What I mean by that is not only do I try to help people, but when I try to build those deeper relationships that INFJs desire so much they tend to shy away from that. :/

I sometimes can't get past "hey, how's it going?"
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Oh ok, yeah I know what you mean, it is kind of disheartining :(. I sort of just walk away.
 
I have been thru a lot of friends over the years keepers are hard to find. I only have one friend from high school I talk to now. And most of my friends live out of state. I understand where you are at. I just did what I liked to do and met people that way. You may have to come out of your shell a little but you can find cool people to hang out with. People come and go true friends for me have been hard to find. I have them they are few and the ones I have were the last ones that I thought would stick around...
 
efromm said:
I have been thru a lot of friends over the years keepers are hard to find. I only have one friend from high school I talk to now. And most of my friends live out of state. I understand where you are at. I just did what I liked to do and met people that way. You may have to come out of your shell a little but you can find cool people to hang out with. People come and go true friends for me have been hard to find. I have them they are few and the ones I have were the last ones that I thought would stick around...
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Come out of my shell? What like walk up to someone and ask them if they want to be friends? o_O It's not so much of a shell that I have a problem with, its that I can't for the life of me figure out how to communicate with people. Or they just can't understand me, one of the two :/
 
Strange. What do these people around you act like. Are they superficial or seem more extroverted than you? Just trying to get a sense of what your feeling. Give an example if ya can.
 
Well, superficial, extroverted. check.

Also like they want to be my friend, but they want to keep their distance.

Also. I almost feel like I have to have "an excuse" to talk to somebody, like something for a class or something.

I'm shocked at how some extroverts can just enter a room and come out with half a dozen "friends".
 
darkstar said:
I'm shocked at how some extroverts can just enter a room and come out with half a dozen "friends".
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We do it through............. COLD FUSION! and.... BLACK MAGIC!

Also, perception has a lot to do with it, methinks. I find I can often (not always) make someone my friend simply by treating them as if they already are. And then they just go along with. Except some people seem really put off by that too. I once had a guy tell me he hated me because I thought everyone was my friend.

I asked him if that meant we weren't friends anymore.
 
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I think you still need to find some people who deserve your friendship, these guys sound like they want ya when they want ya kinda people. I think your heart is in the right place and theirs is not..
 
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