Help with people who leave you in limbo

mattysly

mattysly

Newbie
MBTI
INFJ
Hi guys,

Need some help with dealing with people who say they are going to do something then just don't. I feel that my J is causing me problems in this case, but at the same time I feel really disrespected. The thing is that two friends in the last week have said that we should catch up and in fact set a day then don't bother letting me know if something is on. I know that people are busy, and things come up, but I would have thought that a message or call from them would be the best thing.

Am I wrong for being frustrated with them. Thought Id get advice from other INFJs who probably feel hurt when ppl dont follow plans.
 
The problem is that we often tend to take this personal, which we really shouldn't. My sister is an INFP, and I can assure you, I know what you are talking about. :D It is frustrating for us, but at the same time, she can get irritated by that super organized J-side of me. There's nothing you can do about it really. Don't let it hurt you, it's never personal. Although I agree it's sometimes difficult to come to terms with it..
 
mattysly said:
Hi guys,

Need some help with dealing with people who say they are going to do something then just don't. I feel that my J is causing me problems in this case, but at the same time I feel really disrespected. The thing is that two friends in the last week have said that we should catch up and in fact set a day then don't bother letting me know if something is on. I know that people are busy, and things come up, but I would have thought that a message or call from them would be the best thing.

Am I wrong for being frustrated with them. Thought Id get advice from other INFJs who probably feel hurt when ppl don't follow plans.
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I have this problem sometimes too. As for what to do , sometimes you have to take the first step and call people and ask whats going on. I've meet people who don't make plans they just do whatever.

So unless you do something you may simple be left out of the loop.
 
Oh, this happens to people I know a lot. I have a lot of P friends so they're very, very unreliable.
I'm not exactly sure how to stop it, but usually it works best if you're brutally honest about how they made you feel by not doing what they said they would. Especially if they're F, if they're T maybe more of a practical reason why it was annoying/upsetting etc.
 
Oh my god, I am experiencing this right now. This ENFP is the most unreliable, careless, oblivious girl I have ever met. She just completely ignores me. It's really annoying how I have to accept that somehow it's just because she is a "P". It's beyond the J vs P issue. It's damn right rude, insulting and completely immature.
 
It makes me sad, and then I forgive them, until I can't seem to be able to care anymore.
 
I have this with one friend. Fortunately I know this so when we plan to do something it's usual unspecified hanging out type stuff, at my place, so I don't need to actually change my routine to prepare for it. Either she shows or she doesn't, and if she doesn't I just go about my day as normal.
 
Eniko said:
I have this with one friend. Fortunately I know this so when we plan to do something it's usual unspecified hanging out type stuff, at my place, so I don't need to actually change my routine to prepare for it. Either she shows or she doesn't, and if she doesn't I just go about my day as normal.
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But that's ridiculous! If they say they are going to meet with you, then they should. Keeping your word, for me, is an extremely important trait, especially if I ever want to trust someone.
 
mattysly said:
Am I wrong for being frustrated with them. Thought Id get advice from other INFJs who probably feel hurt when ppl dont follow plans.
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It isn't wrong to feel frustrated, and I have definitely been there, but the question is, what purpose does it serve to become frustrated or upset? They probably won't change their habits or communication style. I concluded to just let people be and do as they please, and just learn to not rely on them too much. I also try not to take a critical position or assume anything negative even if it does hurt if someone has been a true friend or declares a friendship, but then blows you off enough that you can't really rely on them in any consistent way. There are reasons that they function in that manner, but ultimately, I tend to conclude that if the person wanted to spend time with me they would find a way and it isn't just a J or P, scheduled or unscheduled issue. They would find time unexpectedly at least, but it is okay. They are still valuable even if the connection isn't solid.

I have found it is important to not become angry or to criticize, since everyone is just trying to live their lives, but I do make the attempt to not rely on the person if they are too unpredictable or if their words and actions don't tend to line up often.
 
Yield said:
But that's ridiculous! If they say they are going to meet with you, then they should. Keeping your word, for me, is an extremely important trait, especially if I ever want to trust someone.
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Which is why whenever I make plans with her I don't see it as her giving her word, it's more like the potential for something happening. It's tentative, might or might not, and I'll see whether it will or not on the day.
 
Thanks guys for the help. I just think that I respect people who wish to be free and spontaneous, it would just be nice if they could respect my wish for them to follow through with what they said they were going to do. I'm surrounded by Ps maybe its just my age lol :P
 
mattysly said:
Hi guys,

Need some help with dealing with people who say they are going to do something then just don't. I feel that my J is causing me problems in this case, but at the same time I feel really disrespected. The thing is that two friends in the last week have said that we should catch up and in fact set a day then don't bother letting me know if something is on. I know that people are busy, and things come up, but I would have thought that a message or call from them would be the best thing.

Am I wrong for being frustrated with them. Thought Id get advice from other INFJs who probably feel hurt when ppl dont follow plans.
Click to expand...

I used to get all hurt when people did not show. I learned to give them fifteen mins and then bail. This is the age of technology and if they don't call or let ya know they don't really care. There are others to be friends with that will make an effort. It just takes time to lose the flaky ones.
 
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