help, please!!

[v.shadow]

mmm...well, I may be self-centered by opening this thread..but I need other people’s opinions (preferably INFJs).
The thing is: I’m having a terrible time dealing with my mom. I think she’s an EsFJ. I’ve had terrible communication issues with her. The problem is that (unconsciously) my personality changes depending on the people that is around me, so I always act like a cheerful, easy-going and patient person when I’m with people, but with my family I’m a totally different person (it may seem I disrespect them, act all aloof and indifferent and sometimes I have all the traits of an INTJ-however, this never happens when I’m with other people). It’s coming to the point where I really don’t know who I am. Not anymore. And it’s terrible because I can’t talk/write/or anything about myself with anybody, not even the closest person to me (my best friend, who knows me since we were 4 years old). Everytime I think about getting my thoughts out I start to cry. Dunno why. I’m really desperate. my mom is really open with her thoughts and feelings, and wants me to do the same thing. She wants to know why I act like this with them (she thinks it’s maybe something they did in the past and I didn’t let go, or that violent stuff on tv or internet made me this way) but I don’t even know why. So how can I solve this? is there a way to let her know of my feelings? what are your thoughts about this?

Btw, though the traits of ESFJs suits her better, I think this is the best way to show how is our relationship:

ENFJs as Parents

ENFJs take their parenting role very seriously. They consider the task of passing on values and goals to their children as paramount, and will strive to consistently be a good role model to their children. The ENFJ considers it their responsibility to make sure that their children turn out well. This characteristic, combined with the ENFJ's definite values and ideas about the way things should be, usually results in the ENFJ parent being rather strict, and having high expectations for the behavior of their children.....It is not usually easy to be the child of an ENFJ. The ENFJ's life focus is centered in the sphere of relationships. They take their relationship roles very seriously. They are very "hands-on" in relationships, always monitoring it's progress.....ENFJs have very definite value systems, and well-defined ideas about what is right and what is wrong. Since they believe that part of their parental role involves passing their values and ideas to their children, and since they are so concerned and involved with their children, the ENFJ has a tendency to be a strict, controling parent, who is very aware of their children's actions. The ENFJ needs to remember to allow their children the room for growth which is necessary if they are to evolve into healthy, well-adjusted adults. With a bit of effort, it will be possible for the ENFJ to balance their need to pass their values and ideals down to their children with their children's need to develop as individuals.
The ENFJ will put forth a good amount of effort to make their children's home environment warm, comforting and cheerful.....As is the case with most types, ENFJ parents may have problems with their children as they reach puberty. Their children will need more space at that age, and will begin to resent the over-protective tendencies of the ENFJ. This problem will be magnified in situations where the ENFJ is very manipulative.....

any comment is welcome

 

[arbygil]

Heh. I sort of sympathize, only because my mother is ESTP and I tend to act far more logical around her. It's something I've only recently noticed - and truly, I discovered it's because I sometimes don't respect the decisions she makes and I don't understand "why she could possibly do/believe/act 'X' way when clearly the best course of action is 'Y' ".

It doesn't get much better as we age, but the hardest part is to take things in from her perspective. She feels she's doing right by you, and she doesn't see the big picture very well (and worse, you can hurt her feelings quite easily).

You might have to try communicating with her in a way that's foreign to you. In a way, this is a classic case of kids growing up and parents wanting them to stay the same. It takes time for parents to adjust - and frankly, it'll take time for you to adjust as well.

I don't have an easy answer for you, though - but things do get better, even when you're two completely different people. Your relationships will change as both of you age and mature.

 

[Soulful]

I feel your confusion v.shadow. That must be hard for you..

I don't know if this would be helpful.. but would you feel better if you didn't feel that your mom wanted to/expected you to explain it all to her?
If you maybe said something along the lines of - "Mom, I appreciate that you care so much about me, thank you. I love/respect/care about you too. I know you would like to understand ____. To be honest, I'm trying to figure this out myself. But right now, I don't have it figured out. And I feel very stressed out because I know it would make things easier for us if we could both understand. So in the meantime, it would help if I could have some space to figure it out. I still love/care/respect you very much. You don't have to worry about me."

Something like that maybe?

Hang in there. I know it's a tough spot to be in.

And opening up a thread like this is not in any way self-centred.

 

[J. Cardigan]

If it makes you feel any better, I've noticed that my personality vastly changes depending on who I'm around. It's quite frustrating when I want to act a certain way around a certain group of people.

 

[Soulful]

If it makes you feel any better, I've noticed that my personality vastly changes depending on who I'm around. It's quite frustrating when I want to act a certain way around a certain group of people.

:nod: Ditto. Mine does as well.
It can be so confusing - especially if at home, you begin to feel not yourself.

 

[v.shadow]

I feel your confusion v.shadow. That must be hard for you..

I don't know if this would be helpful.. but would you feel better if you didn't feel that your mom wanted to/expected you to explain it all to her?
If you maybe said something along the lines of - "Mom, I appreciate that you care so much about me, thank you. I love/respect/care about you too. I know you would like to understand ____. To be honest, I'm trying to figure this out myself. But right now, I don't have it figured out. And I feel very stressed out because I know it would make things easier for us if we could both understand. So in the meantime, it would help if I could have some space to figure it out. I still love/care/respect you very much. You don't have to worry about me."

Something like that maybe?

okay, I'll try to explain it to her that way..the thing is, I'm alsmost sure she's not gonna get it (she'll say: "how come you don't understand your behaviour? you are the one who chooses to act certain way or another.." and it will go on and on..), but I think that maybe after she thinks about it it could help her understand my situation, so thanks! I'll give it a try n.n

If it makes you feel any better, I've noticed that my personality vastly changes depending on who I'm around. It's quite frustrating when I want to act a certain way around a certain group of people.

mmm...do you think it has something to do with our type? I mean..I have never met someone else who does that..and if that's so, why is it? is it because of our "need" to make everyone comfortable?

 

[Poetic Justice]

Everybody changes depending on who they are with. Including your mum. Do you think she behave the same towards you as she does towards her boss? Do you think your boss behaves the same towards you as they do towards their partner? We all have many different personalities. we would not be able to successfully function as people if we didn't.

I think soulful's advice was very good. If you put it to her in the right way I think she may back off a bit. Let her know that you really value the advice she has given you. But now you are older you need time to figure a few things out for yourself.

 

[Soulful]

okay, I'll try to explain it to her that way..the thing is, I'm alsmost sure she's not gonna get it (she'll say: "how come you don't understand your behaviour? you are the one who chooses to act certain way or another.." and it will go on and on..), but I think that maybe after she thinks about it it could help her understand my situation, so thanks! I'll give it a try n.n

I hope it helps! and that she is able to understand or accept it if she doesn't understand. good luck

I was thinking about this post today.. and I wanted to add that the reason I started off with "Mom, thank you... I love/respect you + I need space + I love/respect you, I'll be fine" - is so that hopefully it'll reassure her that you're not just trying to distance yourself from her. Hopefully it'll be easier for her to listen to what you have to say if she feels that you're expressing caring for her and her feelings. Especially being an ESFJ, from what I've read, they tend to be very emotionally oriented and respond especially well to reassurance. I've also heard that if you're expressing criticism to someone (or something that may be hard for them to hear), to sandwich it between two positives. That way they'll probably be more receptive to what you have to say and less likely to feel attacked and respond defensively.

And this part - "And I feel very stressed out because I know it would make things easier for us if we could both understand" - I worded it "us" rather than "me" so that maybe she'll interpret it to mean that it's in both yours and hers best interest to give you space. Not just something you're doing for yourself. Not that there would be anything wrong with that but if this is hard for her to take as it is, relaying that you care about her feelings and your relationship with her may help.

I hope that helps

 

[J. Cardigan]

Everybody changes depending on who they are with. Including your mum. Do you think she behave the same towards you as she does towards her boss? Do you think your boss behaves the same towards you as they do towards their partner? We all have many different personalities. we would not be able to successfully function as people if we didn't.

I think soulful's advice was very good. If you put it to her in the right way I think she may back off a bit. Let her know that you really value the advice she has given you. But now you are older you need time to figure a few things out for yourself.

I see what you mean, and I agree, but I stand by what I said. Sometimes I can be pretty extroverted and it tends to fool a lot of people, and other days I'll be relatively quiet. I've told my counselor about this kind of identity crisis (of sorts) and she finds it intriguing.

Of course I won't act the same around my mother as I would around my friends, but when I act differently around the same sets of people with no rhyme or reason it confuses me and them.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel like I should have some feeling of personal identity, and when I feel like I'm unconsciously "adapting" (or trying to, at least) to everyone around me it's hard to keep that identity.

As far as trying to keep everyone else comfortable, I have my limits. The people I work with have been pissing me off as of late and if they continue to do so their comfort will be the very last thing on my mind.