help, please!!

Heh. I sort of sympathize, only because my mother is ESTP and I tend to act far more logical around her. It's something I've only recently noticed - and truly, I discovered it's because I sometimes don't respect the decisions she makes and I don't understand "why she could possibly do/believe/act 'X' way when clearly the best course of action is 'Y' ".

It doesn't get much better as we age, but the hardest part is to take things in from her perspective. She feels she's doing right by you, and she doesn't see the big picture very well (and worse, you can hurt her feelings quite easily).

You might have to try communicating with her in a way that's foreign to you. In a way, this is a classic case of kids growing up and parents wanting them to stay the same. It takes time for parents to adjust - and frankly, it'll take time for you to adjust as well.

I don't have an easy answer for you, though - but things do get better, even when you're two completely different people. Your relationships will change as both of you age and mature.

 

I feel your confusion v.shadow. That must be hard for you..

I don't know if this would be helpful.. but would you feel better if you didn't feel that your mom wanted to/expected you to explain it all to her?
If you maybe said something along the lines of - "Mom, I appreciate that you care so much about me, thank you. I love/respect/care about you too. I know you would like to understand ____. To be honest, I'm trying to figure this out myself. But right now, I don't have it figured out. And I feel very stressed out because I know it would make things easier for us if we could both understand. So in the meantime, it would help if I could have some space to figure it out. I still love/care/respect you very much. You don't have to worry about me."

Something like that maybe?

Hang in there. I know it's a tough spot to be in.

And opening up a thread like this is not in any way self-centred.

 

If it makes you feel any better, I've noticed that my personality vastly changes depending on who I'm around. It's quite frustrating when I want to act a certain way around a certain group of people.

 

:nod: Ditto. Mine does as well.
It can be so confusing - especially if at home, you begin to feel not yourself.

 

Everybody changes depending on who they are with. Including your mum. Do you think she behave the same towards you as she does towards her boss? Do you think your boss behaves the same towards you as they do towards their partner? We all have many different personalities. we would not be able to successfully function as people if we didn't.

I think soulful's advice was very good. If you put it to her in the right way I think she may back off a bit. Let her know that you really value the advice she has given you. But now you are older you need time to figure a few things out for yourself.

 

I hope it helps! and that she is able to understand or accept it if she doesn't understand. good luck

I was thinking about this post today.. and I wanted to add that the reason I started off with "Mom, thank you... I love/respect you + I need space + I love/respect you, I'll be fine" - is so that hopefully it'll reassure her that you're not just trying to distance yourself from her. Hopefully it'll be easier for her to listen to what you have to say if she feels that you're expressing caring for her and her feelings. Especially being an ESFJ, from what I've read, they tend to be very emotionally oriented and respond especially well to reassurance. I've also heard that if you're expressing criticism to someone (or something that may be hard for them to hear), to sandwich it between two positives. That way they'll probably be more receptive to what you have to say and less likely to feel attacked and respond defensively.

And this part - "And I feel very stressed out because I know it would make things easier for us if we could both understand" - I worded it "us" rather than "me" so that maybe she'll interpret it to mean that it's in both yours and hers best interest to give you space. Not just something you're doing for yourself. Not that there would be anything wrong with that but if this is hard for her to take as it is, relaying that you care about her feelings and your relationship with her may help.

I hope that helps

 

I see what you mean, and I agree, but I stand by what I said. Sometimes I can be pretty extroverted and it tends to fool a lot of people, and other days I'll be relatively quiet. I've told my counselor about this kind of identity crisis (of sorts) and she finds it intriguing.

Of course I won't act the same around my mother as I would around my friends, but when I act differently around the same sets of people with no rhyme or reason it confuses me and them.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel like I should have some feeling of personal identity, and when I feel like I'm unconsciously "adapting" (or trying to, at least) to everyone around me it's hard to keep that identity.

As far as trying to keep everyone else comfortable, I have my limits. The people I work with have been pissing me off as of late and if they continue to do so their comfort will be the very last thing on my mind.