[INFJ] Help: my friend an infj is pulling all the curtain "silently withdrawn" on me.

[academia123]

I have an infj friend who becomes detached, withdrawn, and is closing all the curtain on me. We are not particularly close but we have known each other for a long time. I care about him deeply. I said something wrong to him. At that time I didn't know. I thought the wrong thing so said the wrong thing. Bottomline: I made a mistake. But the issue is too sensitive to discuss openly and is too private. I can't even open it without causing wounds on both side. He kept it close and I'm also keeping it close. Mentioning it again will (again) mean squandering all his personal space and trampling on his private being - a mistake i first did. He didnt even respond anything he just smiled and mentally walked away.

Right now i still meet him from time to time. He is still gentle, polite and kind. But at the same time truly detached.

It hurts me. I want to say sorry. I want to apologize. He doesnt knw i'm sorry. I'd like to express my apology without intruding his private space. But how? Sorry about... what?? I cant go on.

Fyi i'm an infp. Help please. I'm planning to say sorry I offended you. I misunderstood. Without being specific. If my N(e) is correct, then he will be in tune to what i'm saying.

I'd like to hear from infjs please. What can I do ? Should i really let it slide and be stony silent as well. But the thing is if that's the road i take, i'll be really bleeding -> #infpproblem. If an infj is pulling the iron curtain on you, will it forever be there? The iron curtain i mean. You are afterall an inf with a j. You have made your decision. The thought of this happens really scares the shit out of me. Will an apology work? Will it make him even more detached (me attacking again his personal space)? Or it wont change anything? Please help. Am I thinking too much on all this? I'm an infp afterall, i have the tendecy of feeling/analyzing too much. Too miscroscopic? Or really not? Will I come out as crazy if i apologize for issued happening 10 month ago.

 

[Cornerstone]

Maybe don't say you know how he feels. Something like 'I feel I've offended you', it keeps the spotlight on your thoughts and feelings. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around people like us but equally for me, that would mean a lot, especially if it has been a few days. It shows you don't consider our interactions superficial but what I am offended by or sensitive about is my business and it's up to me to own it or grow a thicker skin.

 

[academia123]

[MENTION=5559]Cornerstone[/MENTION] i got you. Thank you. Thats why i'm hesitating. The whole thing is just to make me feel better without considering his side of the equation. How shall i proceed? I will close the matter if you and all think its best to close the case. I cant change the past really but i have some control over the future.

Fyi this is a person i deeply respect and value. And its true i find myself really walking on eggshells T.T

 

[Gaze]

If you are friends, you should be able to talk with him openly. I'm an INFP, so I understand the need to be emotionally honest, and discuss things openly. However, not everyone is always comfortable with this. But if you have shown sensitivity to his feelings, there's no reason why he shouldn't be able to listen to what you have to say. It may take some time for him to get over it, but if you show you're genuinely sorry and try to make him feel he's important to you, then that should be enough to keep the lines of communication open. If not, he may simple need some space. It's still up to him whether he wants to get over it. For you, to avoid you being hurt by his distant response, maybe it's best to take some time away from the friendship, and let him decide when he wants to reconnect as you did before. Let him make the move. If you press him further, he may distance himself even more. Show him that you respect his right to his space. Sometimes, it's best to step away from a situation and give each other some space to process and deal with things. Maybe that will give both of you some perspective on the situation and the relationship.

 

[Cornerstone]

@Cornerstone i got you. Thank you. Thats why i'm hesitating. The whole thing is just to make me feel better without considering his side of the equation. How shall i proceed? I will close the matter if you and all think its best to close the case. I cant change the past really but i have some control over the future.

Fyi this is a person i deeply respect and value. And its true i find myself really walking on eggshells T.T

It's true you can't change the past but if you change the way you feel about the past then you change the impact it has on your present and therefore future. I can't tell you exactly how to proceed because I don't really know the situation and it may be terrible advice. However, if you deeply respect and value this person do it for them. Make the apology and if they still put that wall up you've done all you can. The worst case scenario is that you do it half-heartedly and then worry if you expressed yourself fully and wonder if you should bring it up again. Do what you can do if it matters to you and the rest will be up to him. That's the difference between love and possessiveness (love in a non-romantic way - or not).

 

[invisible]

maybe you can just tell them that you respect and value them for who they are and you love having them as a part of your life.

we can be so crazy sometimes. seriously nonrational. im getting better about it as i get older. but sometimes im very ruled by my feelings and associated judgments. i have sometimes felt sorry for those on the receiving end. we have to try to do the best we can. whatever happens, dont lose your faith in yourself just because you offended priorities belonging to someone else. you know you can reflect and be responsible and change, and i think thats the main thing.

 

[Scientia]

Say what you need to say to him. If it wasn't an intentionally hurtful or severely damaging remark, he will probably reconsider letting you come back. If you don't try, it sounds like you will regret not having done so.
One caveat: if what you said was deeply and personally hurtful and you meant to harm him, he knows and you may not be able to repair his trust.

 

[academia123]

[MENTION=12050]Superlative[/MENTION] [MENTION=5559]Cornerstone[/MENTION] [MENTION=1814]invisible[/MENTION] [MENTION=1669]Gist[/MENTION] thank you all for your replies, I really appreciate it. I'm still reading and digesting everything.

[MENTION=12050]Superlative[/MENTION]: no, it's not intentional and I didn't mean to cause any harm. I'm sure deep down he knows this. But hurtful - I can't discount that.

[MENTION=1669]Gist[/MENTION]: he is an acquaintance. he is not exactly close to me but very close to my family. that what makes the line of communication a bit difficult. our list of "most trusted friends" closely overlap with each other. I can be my cheerful self but always keep a certain degree of reserve. "I'm an INFP, so I understand the need to be emotionally honest, and discuss things openly. However, not everyone is always comfortable with this." Yes, I have this deep needs too. I wonder sometimes being emotionally honest is best for ppl we love. Because we crave that emotional understanding (or if put it in harsher words, that emotional attention). Most of the time is best. But right now i"m not so sure. I know its best for me. But how bout for him? And thank you really for connecting with me, sometimes I feel utterly alone and too in touch with myself and in that sense begin losing extroverted intuition - losing that common bond. "For you, to avoid you being hurt by his distant response, maybe it's best to take some time away from the friendship, and let him decide when he wants to reconnect as you did before." Due to circumstance, I always meet him from time to time. I can't really physically get away (recently always making me feel drained afterwards). But I know what you mean. I'm really going to give my friend and myself a lot of mental space. I do this already anyway. I hardly intrude. I come out maybe even more reserved than before.

[MENTION=1814]invisible[/MENTION]: "we can be so crazy sometimes. seriously nonrational. im getting better about it as i get older. but sometimes im very ruled by my feelings and associated judgments. i have sometimes felt sorry for those on the receiving end." Yes, I experienced this firsthand. But on the flip side of the coin, your types are some of the kindest most understanding ppl I've ever met. I accept that people are never perfect. a certain trait that brings out the best in you also contributes in shaping the worst of you. That's what I love about - the good sides and the imperfection. not only infjs but all the enfps isfjs esfps istjs closest to me whom I love dearly. And please dont be sorry for the receiving end .->"you know you can reflect and be responsible and change" <- there's always sort of a beautiful virtue in our worst selves. it's what love and good works is all about. If we are all good and perfect, then what's love for? And that's not only love for other ppl, but also for ourselves. (writing this is therapeutic, I'm beginning to regain my general sense of self and faith)

[MENTION=5559]Cornerstone[/MENTION] I got you again this time. "Do what you can do if it matters to you and the rest will be up to him" thank you for saying this. It puts me in perspective. I"ll do my part and won't fret over anything beyond. I usually know this but I can become too emotionally involved in whats happening and lost perspective. I understand your line of reasoning about possessiveness and love (all love, romantic or not). "The worst case scenario is that you do it half-heartedly and then worry if you expressed yourself fully and wonder if you should bring it up again" -> Do you think I should have just trust my guts on this and do whatver I have to do/not do, so I will not do it (or come out as) half hearted(ly)?


"It's true you can't change the past but if you change the way you feel about the past then you change the impact it has on your present and therefore future." I dont really understand what you are trying to say. Can you explain? I get a sense that you are trying to say that how I feel about the past - the general acceptance of it will help me be okay with myself - thats how I will gain my inner strength back and help me to do all I that I can do and leave it at that?

 

[INFJ16]

Bottomline: I made a mistake.
Right now i still meet him from time to time. He is still gentle, polite and kind. But at the same time truly detached.

It hurts me. I want to say sorry. I want to apologize. He doesnt knw i'm sorry. I'd like to express my apology without intruding his private space. But how? Sorry about... what?? I cant go on.

Fyi i'm an infp. Help please. I'm planning to say sorry I offended you. I misunderstood. Without being specific. If my N(e) is correct, then he will be in tune to what i'm saying.

Will I come out as crazy if i apologize for issued happening 10 month ago.

The first time I read this I felt sympathetic to you, but the second time it clicked a little more.

... Why has it taken you ten months to get to this point? I kind of have to question how much you value this relationship if you made a mistake, haven't apologized, and it has been ten months. What has changed that you are suddenly ready to apologize?

Also, you shouldn't use this person's intuition as an excuse to not be specific in admitting what you did wrong. A vague weak apology...ten months later... isn't going to get you very far.