Heartbreak. Is it harder for us? | INFJ Forum

Heartbreak. Is it harder for us?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by plume, Sep 28, 2015.

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  1. plume

    plume Newbie

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    I'm going through (yet another) heartbreak right now and having a really hard time. Although the relationship wasn't long, I let myself become emotionally attached and vulnerable quickly. I felt like I could trust this person because he seemed honest and humble from the start. Turns out he didn't see me as long term relationship potential and was basically just "having fun" with me for the time being. It hurts a lot because we were physically intimate and shared a lot of great experiences together....and I had plans and dreams for the future. I tend to idealize people pretty quickly and become attached. It's difficult for me to reign in my emotions once I've established a romantic connection with someone. What has me really confused is how he could be so intimate with me and show so much physical affection without actually having real feelings for me. I'm not able to separate those two things so it's baffling to me that people are able to do that. I keep reliving all of the moments we spent together and I feel so much pain knowing that I probably won't see him again. How can people walk away so easily? How do you all handle this kind of grief?
     
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  2. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    First, look up demisexual and see if it fits you.

    Second, yes, I do think INFJs have a harder time with heartbreak than most other types. Our type is known for placing immense value in our significant other and connecting on a deeper level that most do. That makes breakups more difficult.

    I've had someone treat me in a similar way for a brief period in college, and it was quite awful really. I had hopes for a relationship, but they were just using me. They were even an ENFJ too, unfortunately.
     
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  3. INFJ16

    INFJ16 Well-known member

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    I wouldn't go as far as to say INFJs have a harder time with heartbreak (perhaps they encounter heartbreak more often than some for various reasons, but I don't know how anyone could prove such a thing). Heartbreak is heartbreak. Pain is pain. People express and deal with it differently, but the intensity of it probably has more to do with the situation more than personality type. People feel connected to each other in different ways, and therefore feel broken in different ways when that connection is severed or recognized as one-sided. It is easy for some people to separate the physical from the emotional. He walked away easily because he likely didn't feel the connection that you did. That hurts you, I understand. However, it also means that you were not a good match, and when you like someone and feel connected to them, this is not an easy thing to accept.

    Analogy time: You know how when playing a computer/video game the first few levels are so easy, and you feel all good about yourself? But then you end up getting stuck on a harder level, and no matter what you do, it seems like you just really can't get past it. You probably get a little frustrated and lose confidence in your abilities. Now, if you're stubborn like me you keep trying until you finally beat the level (or realize you don't actually care about the game and move on). Maybe you take a break for awhile then come back to it with a clearer head. Or maybe you start coming up with different strategies. Either way you do what it takes and you make it. After that, your sense of accomplishment is even better than when you beat the easier levels since you know you overcame a difficult obstacle.

    Sometimes, in life, you probably feel like you're stuck on that hard level. Been there, done that (...am there, doing that). There is no cure-all for heartbreak or suffering in general. You do what you need to do to get through it. Know that when you do get through it, because you will get through it, you can allow yourself to feel that greater sense of accomplishment. Life, as you well know, is not easy, but there is a lot of good in it. It's harder to see the good when your emotions are clouding your mind/thoughts with all the bad. Be proud of yourself for all the victories. Even little things like smiling at a stranger, getting out of bed (because we all know that some days this is indeed a victory), appreciating a sunrise/sunset, those moments when you do things you don't really feel like doing but know are good for you, etc. You can't make heartache go away in a day, but you can try doing something everyday to help. Look for a fresh/better perspective, talk to/be with friends, and recognize that hope is always there. Think about times in the past when you've felt similarly- when you thought you didn't know how you could possibly get beyond this...but then you did.
    Hang in there. :)
     
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  4. Siimplicity

    Siimplicity Catch sight

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    it's always an enormous wonder when people let me down or wrong me.. i cannot quite grasp the duplicityof people sometimes. it's exactly like a sudden slap in the face.

    So
    Is it harder for us?
    i think
    yes and no -- simultaneously.
    yes...the feelings rip instantly right through our souls without mercy
    no...we put up our calloused hands and numb it out

    that latter is a defensive mechanism...put there from our earliest heartbreak. i believe we feel sorrow more keenly than anyone else and whether we want to or not, we instinctively retreat, seek to repel the enormous crushing wave of emotion. doesn't really help or make anything easier to put up barriers or try to escape though. maybe it just postpones the inevitable while we get used to the ide that we're going to have some heavy feelings to deal with .

    honestly, the best way to handle grief is to allow yourself to feel it..the full and total measure of it. it's terrifying..the degree to which I feel...but I have learned to just face it directly and accept how I feel, experience it, let it rain and storm all over in me. not try to understand in any other way, but just find some solitude, turn inward and deal.

    when i have slept on it, pondered, mystified, romanticized, raged, repented and ignored it sufficiently, i can emerge from it and move on.

    it's hard. i'm sorry :hug:
     
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  5. OP
    plume

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    Thanks you Dragon, INFJ16, and Pleiades. INF16, I received your message but can't reply because your box is full. The first picture loaded but the second one wouldn't load. Thank you for that! I appreciate it.
     
  6. OP
    plume

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    What's really getting me is the motive behind it all. I would get no satisfaction out of dating someone consistently if I didn't have feelings for them. Was the sex really that important? It just seems like a lot of investment for something he viewed as casual. I literally have no desire for casual relationships. Dating in general is just really difficult for me. In the past I have always gotten into serious relationships after being friends with someone or we decided that we liked each other, spent time together, and quickly progressed into a committed relationship. There was no real "dating" that led up to it. I care about the people I form relationships with way too much to just "date" and then let it go. I don't know, maybe I'm viewing all of this in a skewed way but I really don't understand the point of being intimate with someone, spending time together and building memories just to say "ok, i'm done, let's never see each other again."

    Ugh. Sorry for the rant.

    This is just feels so heavy right now.
     
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  7. Gaze

    Gaze My word . . . hmm
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    You are not alone in this, and it's not limited to INFJs. As an INFP, I can strongly relate. Also agree with @Dragon, look up demisexuality and see whether it fits. NFs are more likely to get easily attached. And seeing from a logical or intellectual standpoint doesn't usually help. When you feel that way, it's intense, and can't simply be wished away or rationalized away easily. You usually have to go through all the feelings and emotions of fear, guilty, worry, understanding, acceptance, etc. before you reach a place of ok or calm. That's normal.

    Don't feel guilty or bad about your feelings. Nothing is wrong with being someone who sees emotions, physical intimacy, etc. as intertwined. It's never going to be as simple as walking away from and moving on to someone else. Not everyone likes, enjoys, or comfortable with dating around. Some get more about of a relationship by committing easily to one, and allowing themselves to fully embrace the person and experience.

    Problem of course, is if and when such a relationship ends, it's likely to leave the person feeling as if they're missing something or were drowned in a sea of emotion. It's a process, allow yourself to take it day by day. Don't rush or push yourself to get over those feelings because they are not rational. Understand your feelings, question yourself and think about the relationship as it was, not as you wanted to be, and you will learn so much from the experience, and come away from it better prepared to handle the next one. Give yourself time.

    Here is a thread on demisexuality:
    http://www.infjs.com/forums/showthread.php?t=21407&highlight=demisexuality
     
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  8. OP
    plume

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    [MENTION=1669]Gist[/MENTION] thank you. I know about demisexuality and although I resinate with some aspects of it, I wouldn't characterize myself that way as I am able to be sexually attracted to someone before I have emotional investment. How it works for me though, is once I am physically intimate with someone that I already do see romantic potential with, it just intensifies my feelings for them.

    I'm really trying to let myself feel all of my emotions as they arise even though it's really painful to do so. I didn't really realize how much this meant to me until it was over.
     
  9. MrSquared

    MrSquared Well-known member

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    I don't know about harder, but it's definitely a very real thing for us. I hope your sorrow doesn't linger for too long [MENTION=11824]plume[/MENTION]. Sending good vibes your way! :D
     
  10. OP
    plume

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    Thanks! [MENTION=13357]SeanSquared[/MENTION]
     
  11. just me

    just me GONE

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    Careful picking those roses!
     
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  12. Chalti

    Chalti Regular Poster

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    I understand you real well.
    As a person who's gone through some pretty emotionally straining relationships, it's been difficult to find a partner that you can 100% trust.
    I consider myself (for now) a demiromantic demisexual, where I need to have an emotional attraction to even develop some romantic/sexual attraction, and it's so difficult.

    I'll only ever give myself away physically when I do reach an emotional connection, and it takes a long time for that to happen, so obviously I am going to be disappointed.
     
  13. invisible

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    Your heart is still good and strong, it will love again!
     
  14. PintoBean

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    While I agree with [MENTION=11884]INFJ16[/MENTION] that "heartbreak is heartbreak," a trait of INFJs is to feel things more intensely and deeply. Some personality types are indeed better at cutting their losses and letting go without as much heartbreak as the INFJ is likely to experience.
     
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  15. OP
    plume

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    Thank you [MENTION=680]just me[/MENTION], [MENTION=12118]Chalti[/MENTION], [MENTION=1814]invisible[/MENTION], [MENTION=13730]PintoBean[/MENTION] This support is really helping me get through this. I feel so alone.
     
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  16. Paul Wenz

    Paul Wenz Newbie

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    "a trait of INFJs is to feel things more intensely and deeply."
    I have gone through life wanting to feel deeply and was never satisfied when things were not intense. Mostly it was good but i do ponder why have intense thought s for people i have split with 25 years ago.

    One person wronged me terribly in love, thankfully i am not with her as it would have been bad.

    "it's always an enormous wonder when people let me down or wrong me.. i cannot quite grasp the duplicityof people sometimes. it's exactly like a sudden slap in the face."
     
  17. Yva

    Yva Regular Poster

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    Plume there might be a day where you'll give up on pursuing a romantic relationship with anyone because of your open affection. When feelings are involve in such an early stage it makes it difficult to look at a person weak points because in our eyes although we see their faults it okay for them to be perfectly imperfect. I always listen to what my mother and my grandmother told me "You have to hold back emotionally to see what your getting" you have to be completely sure his intentions are pure. Let your male partner display his affection for you for a change. Plume be carefully your heart can only take so much.
     
  18. Angela

    Angela Community Member

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    All I can say is I give my heart away in full way too fast. I have had my heart broken twice in the past few months. I hate being alone, but maybe i need to swear off men. I just got broken up with last night, with the excuse he was going to try and work things out with his kids mom that he has been separated from for a year. Yet, he has a newly formed dating account.
     
  19. OP
    plume

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    [MENTION=14171]Paul Wenz[/MENTION] I'm sorry that happened to you. I still think about my ex's from a long time ago too.
    [MENTION=13322]Yva[/MENTION] thank you. I wish someone had given me that advice from a young age. I will be sure to take that with me in the future. I really can't go through this again.
    [MENTION=14023]Angela[/MENTION], I'm sorry you are going through the same thing. It's so difficult. I don't understand why people have to be dishonest. We need to hold out for the good ones.
     
  20. Paul Wenz

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    Plume,
    thanks.
    I think in part earlier in life i wanted a family because i did ask . A few times the replies were dishonest and so there was no future in reality.
    As well loyalty and the nurturing thing don't come to some people.
    It pays then to read between the lines and think about what is really going on.

    The irony is it is not us but the others, lack of commitment , honesty and getting through difficult spots.
    Crazy as it sounds i think some people can't deal with real love?
    They perhaps get overwhelmed or see us being weak, where-as it is the real cement of a relationship.
    I have heard all sorts of shit about my faults and inadequacies, being too driven or not driven enough, so i reached the point where i don't listen.In reality this was just projection from people i was with.......it dented and confused me at the time.
    My marriage now is nearing 24 years , not always easy but we have hung in there.

    Part of me would like to tell a couple of the ex's that it was them not me. And they are the single ones.
     
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