Having Children… The Dilemma

[jimtaylor]

I’m 25, I’ve finished graduate school, I’m in a committed relationship with a woman who has a 5 year old and wants more kids, and my career is going well. Despite all of this, I am on the fence about having kids myself. I know, I’m young but I’m getting to that point that the question comes up often, not just with my girlfriend but also with friends and family.

I don’t feel prepared for children. I am good with kids and I’ve had thoughts on each end of the spectrum as far as being a father goes. I also hear plenty of people tell me I would be a great parent and that I would be stupid for not having kids. My closest guy friends, many which are the party going type are the biggest advocates of me settling down and having kids. I’ve gone from, “Yeah, I would love to have kids someday” to “Fuck that, not in a million years”, sometimes within the same conversation. I don’t think I would be a terrible father but at the same time, not the best either.

Someone said this about me, “You’re great with kids but it’s more like you tolerate them versus actually want to be around them.” At this point in my life, I need a lot of alone time to recharge my batteries. I take this time to mostly work on art projects, write and work out but it might also include playing video games. If I have kids, I’m pretty confident this would disappear.

My party life has almost completely died out; I got out maybe once a month with friends so that’s not an issue. I’m pretty stable, especially for my age and in a lot better situation than a lot of my friends who have kids. Maybe, I’m just being prideful but I don’t want to have kids and be a distant parent. I grew up with parents where it was like when they finally got home, the last thing they wanted to do was see us or deal with us. I don’t want to be that.


I’m just thinking out loud here because it’s stressing me out thinking about it. I can’t even think of an actual solid reason why having kid’s scars me so much. Maybe it’s the commitment? Maybe it’s financial? Maybe it’s because I still sometimes feel like I’m a kid myself? Maybe it’s because I’m still figuring out who the hell I am so how could I possibly raise a child?

 

[Breathlessangel]

If you aren't ready yet or you don't see yourself as a parent/father then don't be. You might change your mind in the future or you may not but.. being a parent or wanting to have children it's like a calling. Even if the people see you as being good at it or even if you know you are good with children but if there are doubts creeping in you.. then it's not your time yet for you to be one. You never know coz sometimes in the future.. our world or life shifts. So maybe.. just maybe, (but most likely) your priorities and wants/desires/needs later in life will be a lot different than what you have now.

Time they say is the longest distance between two places. You can't really say for sure.. coz there might be a time that finally you wanted or aiming to have children. Just be sure to communicate or be open to your loved ones about your priorities for now or that you don't see yourself yet as becoming a parent. They will understand where you are coming from and its a lot better than making them expect for something you can't be yet and that will only hurt them. To become a parent.. is a big transition in life and it requires you to be really in it coz it needs a heavy conscious effort. There are a lot of horror stories in parenting.. it's not at all easy. It's a child's life we are talking here.. so you should (or more or less) be mentally, physically, emotionally and financially equipped or stable to enter that transition coz becoming a good parent takes a lot of sacrifices, suffering, pain yet its also worth it. I also have to add, that there are cases.. that happens that even if they aren't equipped or ready at all but they were able to do it coz they grow a lot as an individual into that transition itself. There's really no golden rule in life.. sometimes what is not working for others; works for you. But it always depends on the person.. of course. Reflect internally what really makes you happy.. if you're happy having no kid at all.. then it's also your call!! Either way.. make your choice; your right path!

 

[SpecialEdition]

I have always known on a deeper level that I would never be a mother. I dated people who were very interested in marrying and having children but it was never something I could see myself being involved with.

I can handle children in small doses, I talk to them well but overall I find them intolerable after a certain period of time. I am certain that I would be absolutely resentful of my own children. This is something that was reinforced in me after I house sat and had to watch over a dog. I just couldn't stand it.

Everyone says that when you have your own kids it is different but I have a very deep intuitive feeling that I could raise children well but I could never love them the way children deserve to be loved by their mothers.

Fortunately my boyfriend also does not want children. We just don't want to essentially sacrifice our entire lives and what makes us happy to create space for a small person. This is not a judgement against those who want to have them because typically they are already planning their lives around having a child. But for me, NOPE.

25 is not that old. In fact, I would argue people who have kids in their early/mid 20's are going to have a harder time. I feel like your 20's are a time to really get your shit together, live your life, figure out your values and who you are as a person in your own life and in the world. Not that you can realistically put human beings on a timeline but you have to give yourself space to fully flesh yourself out in your life before trying to raise someone else.

 

[Solongo]

When it happens, it will happen naturally. I used to have similar worries about children but time and time again I was always advised by wiser women and mothers that when a child comes, it comes at the right time. It may not suit your personal time; but i take it that it occurs when you are almost ready. There is no such thing as being completely ready i think; as in have the financial and other parts of our lives in check. Most people I know have told me that they were born under not so perfect circumstances. This might be generally true for most of us and a few manage to have everything going right for it to happen.

As for outside pressure; you are young. The pressure could just be a catalyst for you to explore this idea instead of actually making it happen anytime soon. Maybe explore your feelings about being a parent (which most likely will take you back into your childhood experiences), or the idea of creation and the powers we have in making a life. Along with responsibility and your connection with your partner. Definitely some big things to consider.

 

[thirdhalf]

Do you want kids deep down but am afraid of having them?
Or are you afraid deep down because you don't want kids?

If you do truly want kids you will be able to overcome all of those things you are fearing because it is what you want and what you desire. I think that it is perfectly normal to doubt yourself and doubt you have the ability to be a good parent but in the end all that really matters is that you want to be a parent, you will have struggles but the rest will come naturally. The thoughts you are having are not a bad thing or prideful, if anything it is highly respectable because you are actually thinking about it. It is an actual life that you are responsible for here, it is not something to take lightly. It might be a simple as you do want them, but not yet. When you reach your decision it will feel right.

I don't believe that there is a single person that knows how to fully be a parent until they are put into the position to be one, it is not really about preparing for it but instead being ready for it.

 

[Free]

Kids are a personal decision for everyone, and you have to do what's right for you. I personally believe that 25 is a bit young for a man. I know it happens much sooner for many people, but I feel that your 20's should be focused on you, and developing yourself as an individual, within your career, and also within your relationships. Mid-thirties, in my opinion, is more ideal.

One thing I think people fear is that they think their lives will forever be changed with kids, that they will lose their individuality and their alone time. Well, your life will forever be changed, but you also remain the same. Your individuality is still there, your alone time can still be had, all the things that you enjoy right now are still available to you. Having kids isn't a death sentence to you. You don't give up your life for them, you are not there to entertain them 24/7. It can be a very enriching experience.

At the same time, some people just do not want kids at all. And that's fine too. You need to reflect on what it is you really want out of life and see if kids are a part of that. And, it's ok if they are not. You just have to communicate this with your girlfriend. You shouldn't feel the need to have children because you're "supposed" to, or because your parents are pressuring you for grand-babies. It should be a decision that you make without any outside influences. It's not like you can return them if you're unhappy, lol.

Engage on the topic more with your significant other. Talk it out, discuss it, mull it over, and over, and over. Your indecisiveness on it is just you weighing out the pros and cons. I wish some people would be much more cautious before leaping into parenthood. It's always the one's who are unsure about having children that I think would make the best parents, lol.

 

[Scientia]

You aren't ready. You have time. If you don't know if you ever want kids, imagine your life at 70. Will you regret looking back on your life and not having kids then? I hear your concerns. I didn't like other people's kids and thought they were little more than animals (actually, still do) but I loved my kids because I taught them manners and how people are more important than things. I would rather hang with my little guys than with 90% of adults. I think I don't like kids because I don't like most people and kids are just little people who aren't afraid of jail. Joke! .... Not really.

As for it happening naturally and at the right time as [MENTION=884]solongotgon[/MENTION] said, that is not true unless you are without birth control and anytime is the right time. A child isn't going to happen magically if you know what causes it and prevent it. You do need to decide when you want a child but you don't need to decide right now.

I do think that if your partner wants more kids and you eventually figure out you are sure you don't, you need to have that talk, sooner rather than later so she can find someone who does and you can find someone who doesn't.

 

[Free]

I didn't like other people's kids and thought they were little more than animals (actually, still do) but I loved my kids because I taught them manners and how people are more important than things. I would rather hang with my little guys than with 90% of adults. I think I don't like kids because I don't like most people and kids are just little people who aren't afraid of jail. Joke! .... Not really.

Exactly!

I always found other kids are just tiny little sociopaths, lol.

 

[PintoBean]

Bottom line is that if you are unsure, don't do it. As a male, you really do have some time to make sure you are sure one way or another. I understand that your partner has the old time-clock issue, but I am guessing she is close to your age, which means she also has some time before the situation becomes biologically more imperative to decide one way another.

 

[jimtaylor]

You aren't ready. You have time. If you don't know if you ever want kids, imagine your life at 70. Will you regret looking back on your life and not having kids then? I hear your concerns. I didn't like other people's kids and thought they were little more than animals (actually, still do) but I loved my kids because I taught them manners and how people are more important than things. I would rather hang with my little guys than with 90% of adults. I think I don't like kids because I don't like most people and kids are just little people who aren't afraid of jail. Joke! .... Not really.

As for it happening naturally and at the right time as @solongotgon said, that is not true unless you are without birth control and anytime is the right time. A child isn't going to happen magically if you know what causes it and prevent it. You do need to decide when you want a child but you don't need to decide right now.

I do think that if your partner wants more kids and you eventually figure out you are sure you don't, you need to have that talk, sooner rather than later so she can find someone who does and you can find someone who doesn't.

The way I explain it to people, when I picture me at my best, my life in an ideal situation and I'm completely stable, I don't see children involved. I'm actually the exact opposite. I love other peoples kids. I get to be the happy, crazy, cool uncle type figure who is there to cause some chaos. ;P

At 70 years, my ideal me, looking back at my life is one of two people. I am either the proud father and grand father who has done right by his family but never lived up to his potential because he put his family first. The other me is an academic, fully of wisdom and whose children are the books he has written, the art he has created and the minds he has touched. I don't believe I would regret either life.

 

[jimtaylor]

Bottom line is that if you are unsure, don't do it. As a male, you really do have some time to make sure you are sure one way or another. I understand that your partner has the old time-clock issue, but I am guessing she is close to your age, which means she also has some time before the situation becomes biologically more imperative to decide one way another.

Yeah, she is 7 months older than me but like I said, she has a 5 year old. So part of why I am contemplating this so much is I don't want to waste her time. We talk about this at least weekly. Not just about having kids but my stance on kids in general since she has a child. I really like my girlfriend too and can see a future but I feel bad about my doubts. I don't want to rob her of a chance to date somebody who does want kids or is more prepared to have children. She is on the fence about having more children but that's because she already has one and doesn't want to raise anymore alone. Maybe I am being naive but I don't believe I should be dating her if I don't want kids myself since she already has one.

 

[jimtaylor]

This may be a strange feeling but I think I can contribute more to humanity as whole without kids than I would be able to contribute to kids as a parent. I value relationships and people to a very high level so when I say my art and writing would be my children, it's not that I value them greater than people. I value them in a different way and I believe that those things would be able to do greater good for people than I would as a parent. I don't believe I would be a bad parent but I believe I could be a better academic and writer.

EDIT: My greatest potential (doesn't mean I will reach it) isn't as a parent. I think I would love being a parent but maybe not as much as I love writing and learning.

EDIT EDIT: Of course this is all coming from my 25 year old brain. Right now this is how I feel but who knows how I will feel in 5 years when I am pushing 30 and am more settled in my career and life in general. Perhaps it is because I am young that I have these grand dreams and ideas but as the reality of life settles in, they will subtly ebb away to reveal that I would rather want something more simple and someone to share it with. When I do think of my most proud moments in life, it involves my younger siblings and helping them through something. So there is that.

 

[thirdhalf]

This may be a strange feeling but I think I can contribute more to humanity as whole without kids than I would be able to contribute to kids as a parent. I value relationships and people to a very high level so when I say my art and writing would be my children, it's not that I value them greater than people. I value them in a different way and I believe that those things would be able to do greater good for people than I would as a parent. I don't believe I would be a bad parent but I believe I could be a better academic and writer.

EDIT: My greatest potential (doesn't mean I will reach it) isn't as a parent. I think I would love being a parent but maybe not as much as I love writing and learning.

EDIT EDIT: Of course this is all coming from my 25 year old brain. Right now this is how I feel but who knows how I will feel in 5 years when I am pushing 30 and am more settled in my career and life in general. Perhaps it is because I am young that I have these grand dreams and ideas but as the reality of life settles in, they will subtly ebb away to reveal that I would rather want something more simple life and someone to share it with. When I do think of my most proud moments in life, it involves my younger siblings and helping them through something. So there is that.

Your two choices are not mutually exclusive unless you want them to be.

 

[jimtaylor]

Your two choices are not mutually exclusive unless you want them to be.

That's the other point. I had mostly absentee parents for this reason. They thought they wanted kids, had 7 of them and then tried still pursue their passions. They missed out on most of our lives.

Anyway, I digress. I think I am way over thinking a lot of this as I am prone to do. I am going to go for a run and maybe that will clear my mind.

 

[Erlian]

I wish some people would be much more cautious before leaping into parenthood. It's always the one's who are unsure about having children that I think would make the best parents, lol.

Very true and that's why I think [MENTION=2710]jimtaylor[/MENTION] would be an awesome dad.


For me it changed at one point in my life.
At first when you're young you just assume you'll have children later too, because your parents did and a lot of other people too (like the parents of your friends). Only later you make a conscious decision. I did during the summer when I was 14. I don't remember the exact moment, but it happened multiple times when I was cycling home from school through the park on some sunny afternoon. I'd always see young parents sitting in the grass and playing with their toddlers. I felt this huge desire to experience that too. I envied them. From that moment on I knew I wanted that too. Since then it became my life goal. It hasn't changed since and I don't think it will change.
(Funny sidenote is that I actually learned to walk in that very same park as a toddler.)

I will still be in doubt about the right time. I don't think I would want children yet when I'm 25. I'm 22 now and I haven't ever had a serious relationship. I do hope to be in one before I'm 25, but we won't be together long enough to start. I do really want to start before getting to 30. Firstly because genetics. The older you get the more likely your children are to get a genetic mutation. The chances aren't that big, but I like to stay safe. For my own sake, for my child and for society (who supports the disabled). The second reason is that the older you get the less time you can spend with your children being active. Just this summer I went hiking with my family. For one of the first times my parents didn't join us (on a long trip) because they couldn't take it physically. In addition to this I might potentially have a disease that will slowly cripple me. I'd like to spend as much time as possible (not being cripple yet) running, playing and sporting with my children. Having children early will give me more time with them. But in the end other considerations count too. I need to be able to support a child before I get one, so I don't know yet at what time I'll start.

But that's my story, got a bit carried away there


Seeing your other replies I think you should not do it now. Later you can decide to have children, but now you can decide to not have them (yet). That's as much as you can decide now. The rest is up to the future. The next problem is whether you're wasting your GFs time if you don't want to have children ever. This is harder because now you have to guess what you will want in the future. And you can only guess. You cannot be certain or promise anything for the future is uncertain.

Tell your gf how likely it is that you would want to have children at some point. Talk about what she wants (or will likely want in the future). If your desires are different, talk about whether you should still be together.

It's really hard because no one knows what the future will bring, but we have to accept that and work with what we do know.

 

[Eventhorizon]

Some aspect of me wants kids. If I were rich anand could give them everything they needed when they needed it. There is an aspect of me though that is deathly afraid of having kids. When my pets alone have gotten sick and later died... I just cant see me being able to deal with the same possibility with children. Also, I am great with my brothers nephew but thats only because I can disengage when I want. I dont think I would do well never being able to disengage.
I honestly have a hard time understanding the drive that most people feel to have children. Right now I feel young of mind even ththough I am getting older. There is so much to see and so much to do still. Kids are like anchors if you spend time raising them like you should. Plus theres the whole aspect of bringing them into this messed up world for selfish reasons.
Oh...I just thought of going to school to have my kids teacher tell me they are going to teach them something I dont agree with. I can see many fights with me frothing at the mouth when they demand my son or daughter write about the benefits of socialism. ...
Yeah, I just dont think I am going to have kids. Maybe it would be different if I found someone I really loved who wanted them but as of now its not looking good.

 

[flower]

I don't want any children... I don't think I could be that great mother with my long-lasting mental health problems. I also value my solitude way too much. Raising a child is a lifetime commitment which will make huge changes to your budget, time for yourself etc. You need to think is it worth it.

 

[AJ_]

Children are balls of light that will bring out aspects of yourself that you never knew existed. They will teach you more than you will teach them if you are mindful. I thought I knew what love was until I heard my daughter cry for the first time. They will feel your love, and they will pay you back a thousand times with the love they generate in you. Fear nothing, be anxious about nothing, and the right thing will happen.

 

[drummergirlbk]

My dad was 25 when I was born, and I'm the oldest of 2 children. Eben at that point he has always told me that he didn't quite feel prepared for becoming a father. And honestly, it's something that I doubt anyone feels fully prepared for when it comes. At this point in my life personally the thought of having kids scares me. However, 6-10 years down the road I might consider it, especially since my fiance' mentioned before we got together that he desired to have kids at some point. The idea of it is still really scary to me, but I guess part of it is I haven't given much thought to the fact that I might not have to di it all myself, so 10 years later the thought may not seem so scary. I'd just say take your time.

 

[cvp12gh5]

I don’t feel prepared for children.

You answered your own question. You're not ready.

And I can think of a solid reason why having a child scares you; you're not ready! Also, you mention being in a committed relationship with your gf, but that doesn't automatically mean you need to jump into having children together.

The way I see it, you do want children; this is obvious to me. And you will eventually have them one day. But at 25, you have time. What you should be more concerned about is who you will end up having them with. A lot of couples run into problems after having a baby because it's only then that they realize they hold very different values in regards to family and raising children. It can cause a major strain on the relationship. Next thing you know, you get to see your child every other weekend, which could be considered an unstable environment no matter how hard you try to make it work. Therefore, I feel that having the right partner that shares similar values is key.

You say your gf has a 5 yr old; is she a good mom? Everyone has their own definition of what a good mom looks like, so what qualities do you feel are important for your child's mother to have (if you don't mind sharing)? And does your gf possess these qualities?