hatred of conflict making me want to end it with my fiance some parts may be TMI

[justme]

I hate conflict. I grew up in a home with a mostly untreated bipolar mother. My dad and her fought a lot, she fought with us a lot. As a result I never knew what a healthy relationship was. I ended up being in a string of abusive marriages that kept me in the same position I was as a child, victimized. I've been married and divorced twice both times because I chose unhealthy partners (both of whom may have been bipolar, one was diagnosed with Aspergers which is very similar to bipolar). I have three children as a result of those marriages.

Fast forward I met the man of my dreams, an ISTJ, which I am very comfortable with because my father is an ISTJ and he is the most normal, stable, and sane human being I have ever met. His ability to stick it through with my mom after everything she put him through was amazing. So, to me an ISTJ=stand out, excellent partner. And for the most part my df is. He is amazing. He's treated me like no one else ever has and for 95% of the time I feel valued by him. He treats my children as is they are his own. Everything is perfect.

But the other 5% of the time I can't stand. I hate conflict and I guess with my idealistic thinking I am *certain* that there must be away to have a relationship void of conflict. I mean if I can let things slide and see people's actions in regards to intent and therefore not get angry or upset then surely others can too, right?

I think my df may have a slight sex addiction. He has never cheated and before me he was in a 16 year relationship and he never cheated on her. He looks at porn and we've gotten into a huge argument about strip clubs (they make me feel devalued). He doesn't replace our interactions with porn but our interactions aren't enough, he still needs the porn.

I am currently 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant, I've had two miscarriages since May 2009 one at 13 weeks and the other at 11 weeks. I started spotting two weeks ago and was put on a rolling 10 day pelvic rest, meaning that whenever the spotting showed up it would start the 10 day period again. That means no physical intimacy for us. I assumed that df would be understanding but he hasn't been. He's been passive aggressive and snippy at me for a week. It came out last night that he feels that I am not doing enough to make it easier on him in regards to physical imtimacy (aka I do for him but make all the sacrifices while he makes none, nevermind that I am the one nearly dying from exhaustion and morning sickness). I brought up in email that I have a problem with his porn useage. He says my brain needs to be rewired because I live in fantasy world regarding porn useage.

Today is our anniversary. We are supposed to go to dinner. He doesn't want to discuss the issues, he said he will on his time. I NEED closure. I don't think I can enjoy his company at dinner with this hanging in the air. I'm hurt and he is putting all the blame on me. Its how it always is in my relationships, I have to take 100% of the responsibility for problems, make 100% of the change and sacrifice out of risk to my esteem and feelings. Why can't anyone else ever make the change? But I value relationships so highly that I make the change even if I am adamantly opposed to it and doing so goes against my personal beliefs (in this case being "happy" about porn viewing). So, its our anniversary and everything in my being is saying to pack up my stuff up and take my kids and myself back to my parents' and break up with my df because I am TIRED of making all the change.

I know that I would be destroying my life if I did that. I know that I would be giving up something very wonderful if I did that. I know I would devastate my children who see him as their father and my unborn child but this desire to not want to be the one who always has to make the change is so strong. This desire to have my voice and my feelings respected is so strong and it just doesn't seem like any other types are able to do this, to put a relationship above their own selfish needs. I am tired of being the mature one, the one with healthy coping skills, the martyr. I am almost willing to give up one of the best things in my life (because we rarely do argue, we've only ever had three fights, this is the third and minus fights life is GREAT) simply to make a stand, to make a point that I am tired of being taken advantage of. I'm almost 34, its getting old and I just want it to stop.

Can anyone relate to this? And I am sorry about the TMI parts. I have absolutely no one to vent to or go to for advice, being an INFJ, I have no friends that I really trust and I don't want to talk to my mother, she adores df and I don't want that to change. I thought that since we all have similar personalities I could find someone here to commisserate with me or lead me in the right direction because right now I am LOST.

 

[slant]

I think this belongs in the emotional support thread. One of you mods should move it.

 

[aeon]

I hate conflict. I grew up in a home with a mostly untreated bipolar mother. My dad and her fought a lot, she fought with us a lot. As a result I never knew what a healthy relationship was. I ended up being in a string of abusive marriages that kept me in the same position I was as a child, victimized. I've been married and divorced twice both times because I chose unhealthy partners (both of whom may have been bipolar, one was diagnosed with Aspergers which is very similar to bipolar). I have three children as a result of those marriages.

I hope you can take some time to consider and value your own person, and from that, make choices that support your needs as a person.

I say this because I came out of a family such that I was spinning with chaotic energy, and made more than a few choices that weren't reflective of self-valuation (and in truth, I didn't). That said, like you, I was doing the best that I could with the resources I had available to me, and given the situation.

A time came in my life where I had some time and space to really think about things, about who and why I was. It really helped me orient myself such that I could walk a self-loving path.

Everything is perfect. But the other 5% of the time I can't stand.

No relationship is pefect, but a relationship can be a place of happiness, where you (and your partner) are able to meet your own and each other's needs.

From my perspective and values, 5% is about 5% too much "I can't stand."

I hate conflict and I guess with my idealistic thinking I am *certain* that there must be away to have a relationship void of conflict. I mean if I can let things slide and see people's actions in regards to intent and therefore not get angry or upset then surely others can too, right?

No.

In my experience, conflict is a part of every human relationship, dyadic or group. The "quality" of the relationship is not decided on the absence of conflict, but rather, how conflict is resolved. Conflict can be an opportunity for intimacy if approached in a non-violent way.

Also, I appreciate what you say about knowledge of intent influencing one's emotions as it regards conflict. That said, you don't have to let your feelings slide if you don't want to, nor can you realistically expect that of anyone else.

There are times when I consciously understand a situation, yet I feel strongly about that situation in a way my head cannot make sense of. So be it - if I feel, I feel. Fromyears and years of doing so many things to experience otherwise, I now understand and know that one of the most loving things I can do for myself is to accept myself, feelings included - even when those feelings are angry.

I think my df may have a slight sex addiction.

Speaking as an addict in recovery (of something other than sex, 9 years and a month sober!), no addiction is slight.

He looks at porn and we've gotten into a huge argument about strip clubs (they make me feel devalued). He doesn't replace our interactions with porn but our interactions aren't enough, he still needs the porn. I brought up in email that I have a problem with his porn useage. He says my brain needs to be rewired because I live in fantasy world regarding porn useage.

Quite simply, he looks at porn and repeats the behavior because he finds pleasure in looking at porn. I can appreciate that you do not feel happy for his pleasure because it comes at a cost to other aspects of your experience in the relationship.

I don't really have any advice to give you here except that I think it would be of value for you to express how you feel about it (your emotional experience only, not argument) and do so if and when your sense is that you will be received. On the other hand, I also think it would be of value for you to receive him such that he could talk about his experience, and what need he is seeking to meet by means of pornography.

I do find it ironic that as a porn consumer, he says you are the one in a fantasy world.

I am currently 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant, I've had two miscarriages since May 2009 one at 13 weeks and the other at 11 weeks. I started spotting two weeks ago and was put on a rolling 10 day pelvic rest, meaning that whenever the spotting showed up it would start the 10 day period again. That means no physical intimacy for us. I assumed that df would be understanding but he hasn't been. He's been passive aggressive and snippy at me for a week. It came out last night that he feels that I am not doing enough to make it easier on him in regards to physical imtimacy (aka I do for him but make all the sacrifices while he makes none, nevermind that I am the one nearly dying from exhaustion and morning sickness).

If by no physical intimacy you mean no sexual intercourse, then you'll both have to find other ways to meet your and each other's needs given the situation. It sounds like this may be the case, if one-sided.

If by no physical intimacy you mean no touch at all, then I can appreciate his frustration, even if I don't value the expression of that frustration in a passive-aggressiver manner.

I am sorry to hear that at this stage of the pregnancy you are not feeling at all well. I am also sorry to hear that your partner doesn't seem to understand the nature of that.

Today is our anniversary. We are supposed to go to dinner. He doesn't want to discuss the issues, he said he will on his time. I NEED closure. I don't think I can enjoy his company at dinner with this hanging in the air.

Then let him know that while you understand and accept his need to talk about things when he is ready, that it is also true that you have a need for closure, and that you are not interested in engaging with him until that need is met.

I'm hurt and he is putting all the blame on me. Its how it always is in my relationships, I have to take 100% of the responsibility for problems, make 100% of the change and sacrifice out of risk to my esteem and feelings.

While it is true that you do have to take responsibility for your own feelings and actions, if there is a problem that involves the two of you, then resolution (and perhaps change) will require both of you. I don't think you have any reason to sacrifice your self-esteem or feelings in order to resolve things, unless you are answering to a fear.

Why can't anyone else ever make the change?

Likely because change isn't comfortable for most people, combined with the fact people need an emotionally-safe place to be vulnerable enough to speak about their fears. Perhaps needless to say, if they see someone else is willing to change, it leaves them with little incentive.

But I value relationships so highly that I make the change even if I am adamantly opposed to it and doing so goes against my personal beliefs (in this case being "happy" about porn viewing).

I don't think it is possible to put a relationship ahead of one's own needs - for long, anyway. Also, what kind of relationship requires a person to stuff down their feelings and to not express their values to their partner? I've heard of more than a few, but I'd characterize none of them as healthy.

So, its our anniversary and everything in my being is saying to pack up my stuff up and take my kids and myself back to my parents' and break up with my df because I am TIRED of making all the change.

I value trusting your gut.

I know that I would be destroying my life if I did that. I know that I would be giving up something very wonderful if I did that. I know I would devastate my children who see him as their father and my unborn child but this desire to not want to be the one who always has to make the change is so strong. This desire to have my voice and my feelings respected is so strong and it just doesn't seem like any other types are able to do this, to put a relationship above their own selfish needs.

It may create some real hardships, but you would not be destroying your life to make such a choice. There would be some real costs to be sure, but also the chance at some real gain - your well-being, first and foremost.

I am tired of being the mature one, the one with healthy coping skills, the martyr. I am almost willing to give up one of the best things in my life (because we rarely do argue, we've only ever had three fights, this is the third and minus fights life is GREAT) simply to make a stand, to make a point that I am tired of being taken advantage of. I'm almost 34, its getting old and I just want it to stop.

Then stop judging yourself as mature, and playing the role of martyr. If you truly have healthy coping skills, use them for the benefit of your person and your children.

Can anyone relate to this? And I am sorry about the TMI parts. I have absolutely no one to vent to or go to for advice, being an INFJ, I have no friends that I really trust and I don't want to talk to my mother, she adores df and I don't want that to change. I thought that since we all have similar personalities I could find someone here to commisserate with me or lead me in the right direction because right now I am LOST.

Well, I am an INFP, but I can relate to a lot of it.

One thing I am sure of - you have no need to apologize for your person or your expression.

I hope what I have said is of some comfort, even in those places where I spoke by my own values and experience.

You are not alone, and my hope is that you make choices that ultimately lead to your being able to be happy - truly and deeply.


Namaste,
Ian

 

[bamf]

I think you need to talk to him about this, all of this. You need to have an open discussion with him, and tell him that you feel walked over.

However, expect him to have similar complaints. I think, at this point, it would be foolish to just up and leave. Especially before you talk with him about this. If he doesn't want to talk about this at dinner, then don't. It's a give and take situation, but talk about it after dinner, or tomorrow. Just don't make any hasty decisions before you talk it out.