getting angry... | INFJ Forum

getting angry...

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by BliG, Nov 26, 2009.

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  1. BliG

    BliG Three

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    Something recently happened to me, where I got very angry at someone I care about when they hurt me unintentionally. This person is new in my life and particularly important to me. They challenge me and have no problem in pointing out my weaknesses. For example, I never realized I had a hard time taking criticism or that I take myself too seriously until I met them. Although I think they are good to have in my life, sometimes it becomes too much. I usually don't let myself get upset to the point of irrational anger, until recently.

    I don't like this feeling or how I react to situations. I feel like I am causing alot of this tension and negative emotions in this relationship. I've read that this is the most difficult weakness of the INFJ (getting too upset, to the point of anger, and this having negative impacts on relationships).

    Anyway, what I'm asking is, has anyone else had this problem? How did you approach the person afterwards? How did you stop yourself from getting to that point again?

    Thanks
     
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  2. laffeytaffey

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    Hmmm... I HAVE had this problem before. You just have to be calm and let them know that you appreciate what they have said, but it would be best if they toned it down a bit. That's always worked for me
     
  3. Satya

    Satya C'est la vie
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    Me? Get irrationally angry? Nah. That could never happen. :m122:

    Assuming it did, then the best advice I could give is to leave and get away from the situation so you have time to cool down. Take your mind off it by distracting yourself with something you like to do until you are no longer reacting to it. Only then, return and address it calmly and rationally.

    It's good to fess up when you screw up. Apologize when your passion gets the better of you or you make a mistake.

    There isn't really anyway to stop from getting inflamed aside from avoiding the things that cause it. Avoidance is a good coping mechanism, but its no way to live your life. Just realize you are going to get angry from time to time and deal with it when it comes up.
     
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  4. sookie

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    This happens to most everyone. We all get negative and angry. I agree with you that it is important to take ownership of it. In a way regret is good because if we regret we will be sensitive to our anger and how it can hurt people and ultimately ourselves.

    Please go a little easy on yourself. It happens
     
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  5. VH

    VH Variable Hybrid

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    I've learned to just growl like a bear and gesture like I'm going to strangle them with my best Ashton Kutchner impersonation yelling "Oh... My... GAWD..."

    Somehow this diffuses the situation with humor while allowing me to express my feelings. Often, other people don't realize how badly they are pushing our buttons until they've crossed a line with us. In a lot of ways, it's not their fault if we don't show them that we're hurt/offended/annoyed/etc.
     
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  6. Ria

    Ria Snow White over the ocean

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    I can't think of a truer wrecker of contentment in a relationship than this. I get this all the time, and I hate being told that I need to lighten up and take things less seriously. Sometimes it feels like I'll never find someone who's compatible enough for me with regards to my sensitivity and for their own.

    For me, it's like wtf, why can't you take things more seriously?!!!

    I'm not sure of your specifics, but this is still something I haven't mastered yet, and I'm nearly 40. If you figure out the concept, pls let me know thanks ;)

    Having said this tho, our empathy usually kicks in at some later point, causing us to then feel horribly guilty...
     
  7. AUM

    AUM The Romantic Scientist

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    Anger is quite an achiles heel for everyone in my opinion. I feel pretty guilty after I've been consumated by anger to the point that things become quite ugly. Recently I've been able to control these negative emotions and here's what's working for me I don't know if it's of much assistance to you all:

    First thing, treat your mind like a child. Each incoming negative thought that arouses your conscious mind analyze it as soon as it is affecting your mood, like they say "analysis is paralysis". Once this happens, the thought automatically disappears because thoughts don't like to be analyzed.

    Secondly, get out of the negative situation as soon as possible and like Satya said, return to the matter once you're able to handle it rationally. It's a bad idea to linger on the thought while you have the source of your frustration in front of you.

    Finally, when you're calmed down think of the person who frustrated you in the first place as an individual who also wants to be happy. Create compassion towards that individual and hope that his troubles melt away. This may sound a bit hard to do since moments earlier you wanted to strangle him/her but trust me, it works.

    Anger and hatred are the worst "evils" in the world and it is because of it that so many unfortunes affect us everyday.
     
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    #7 AUM, Nov 26, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2009
  8. randomsomeone

    randomsomeone Well-known member

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    I agree, things like this do happen now and again. I confess I don't let everybody "in" in the first place, much less someone who might be more than I am prepared to deal with.

    In my experience, anger has to run a course, it is a kind of process. Our feelings change as we move through this...sometimes we wind up with acceptance, sometimes with setting boundaries, but we have to sort of give ourselves permission (and time, and space) to wrestle with the whole thing. I think that is only fair to ourselves. I would even propose that this anger or pain may have something to teach us and help us grow. We don't necessarily need to run away...again time is a big help here.

    Another important idea (for me anyway) is remember the difference within ourselves between "me" and "I". "Me" might be mad, hurt, bewildered, loathing....fine, it's okay. "I" however is my inner self that is more connected and at peace. "I" does not necessarily define itself by what is going on with "me" but can observe, evaluate, judge, learn from here (I hope this doesn't sound too spacey...look within, you will likely see this dynamic at work). In any case this does help us to retain some stability within our core person while also allowing ourselves space to grapple with a swirl of emotions that actually may have something to say to us.
     
  9. surreality

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    I don't know all of the specifics about your situation, but from what you have just described a few things stick out for me.

    You say they challenge you. That's great and all well and fine. Most of us want people in our lives that challenge as opposed to bore us, and help us to grow or at least encourage us to grow. But, it's the second half of the sentence that I'm wondering about. They have no problem pointing out your weaknesses. How is that being done? Are you talking about your weaknesses yourself? Are they bringing it up? How is it brought up? In a constructive way? In a caring and nurturing way? Also, what about them. Is all the emphais on your weakness? I'd be wary of this.

    You say "sometimes it becomes too much". That's not good. How do you react to that? Do you tell them? What's their response?

    Anger is generally a sign that something is wrong and we need to listen to it. I'd say take some time to reflect...away from this person. Try to understand what's happening for you when you get into this dialogue with them. What specifically is triggering you to get angry.

    The fact that you say this: "I usually don't let myself get upset to the point of irrational anger, until recently." is telling.

    There's something that is making you angry about the way they are doing this, I would hazard a guess, and that is telling you something.
     
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  10. sookie

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    I agree Lands End. There is something also to consider that adds to the complexity. Anger does have a purpose. It creates the drive that allows people to respond to injustice. We do need to defend ourselves from abuse and stand up for our own rights. But there are strategies that you can do to defuse anger before it escalates. If you know that someone does something to bother you. Say something before the situation occurs. If you are upset try to wait and address it when you are not upset. Anger is your mind and your body saying that there is something that is not right. Although, we are all responsible for our anger. We do not have the right to abuse someone else. this is the tricky point with our anger and why it is important to address things when we are not angry. State what your needs are in advance. We tend to clamp down on communicating our needs. Denying that we have needs. We have needs and they are important. On the other hand it is important not to try to control others. We can't control others. People have free will. If someone is doing something that is violating your rights speak up for yourself. If they dont change then you may not want that person in your life.

    We all have the right not to be abused.
     
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  11. surreality

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    I would have to disagree with that statement.

    Sometimes anger is our inner justice meter speaking up.


    edit: to clarify I'm only referring to anger not necessarily being evil...not referring to hatred
     
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    #11 surreality, Nov 26, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2009
  12. AUM

    AUM The Romantic Scientist

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    I can see your point but not always does anger arise from a feel of justice. Most of the time anger is constituent of our own self-centered (mis)conceptions. What point is there in being angry and not letting reason solve the issue that rises from those feelings?

    We all feel angry but it is how we transform that anger into courage that proves more effective than just lasshing out frustrations that may not be reasonable at that time.
     
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    #12 AUM, Nov 26, 2009
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  13. Satya

    Satya C'est la vie
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    Anger is not a true emotion. It's usually a reactive behavior to some underlying emotion; usually fear or shame. The key to controlling anger is to remember that you are reacting, not acting. You are allowing the situation to control you and not the other way around. The moment you choose to take control of the situation is when you begin to control your anger.

    People will often use your anger to control you if they get a chance. For example, this is why fundamentalists get such joy out of seeing gays and lesbians get angry. The fundies recognize the fact that they are successfully shaming them or instilling fear in them and they want gay people to react with anger to those emotions. They want to instill that underlying emotion of inadequacy. If they can do that, it makes them feel very powerful and superior.

    Ironically enough, Jesus Christ gave the answer to this kind of psychological warfare. He suggested two courses of action. First, you need to learn to turn the other cheek. No matter how much anyone abuses you, you need to remain in control and show them that you can take whatever they can dish out. If you stand your ground and do not react, then you have already taken away all the emotional power they could have had over you. Second, love your enemy. It is very difficult, if not impossible, to feel love and fear at the same time. That is why people can throw themselves on grenades, jump in front of bullets, and do all sorts of other self sacrificing things to save someone they love. Love is a far more constructive emotion than fear or shame.
     
  14. Ria

    Ria Snow White over the ocean

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    usually, the core emotion benieth anger, is sadness. Sometimes it's a mix of fear, disgust, sadness and shame.
     
  15. surreality

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    That's correct. Anger can arise from many things. I gave one example as a possibility. There are many possiblities, but it's a consideration that in some instances people might not be aware of. I suggested that possibility, instead of others, because of specific things the OP said. That does not disqualify other possibilities.


    Not always. Sometimes it comes from internal issues. Sometimes it is caused by external influences


    Now you're confusing the issue. Anger is an emotional response. "Letting reason solve the issue" is a behaviour.

    The two are separate entities. Recognizing anger and what it is communicating to us, is the first step. What actions or behaviours we take from there is the second step.
    Who said anything about lack of reason?

    Emotional responses are data to us, sometimes they can confuse us because of our own lack of self understanding and our own issues and sometimes we're not sure of the dynamic that just happened with someone else. But, they are still information to us. What we do with that information, is the mark of how evolved we are in our own maturity level and self actualization.

    So when we feel a strong emotional response that confuses us, we have to look at the underlying things going on. Why are we angry? What's happening that's making get angry and then deal with it in a healthy way.


    Yes. True.

    However, discounting the anger and labeling all anger as evil and a bad response no matter what, is a very unhealthy thing to do. It's basically a head in the sand approach that covers up issues and will in fact more likely lead to "lashing out frustrations".
     
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  16. surreality

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    Yup. It is a secondary emotion. There is always an underlying prime or core emotion that has been triggered and for whatever reason we go into anger mode. It bears looking at what the underlying emotion was to get to the root of the anger and deal with it.
     
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  17. sookie

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    I think Anger is a primary emotion actually. We have to deal with it. In Buddhism they talk about the 3 poisons which are Anger, greed and stupidity .
     
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  18. Satya

    Satya C'est la vie
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    It was an interesting discussion. I think I will split it though since it isn't relevant to the OP.

    Posts moved to here...

    http://forum.infjs.com/showthread.php?t=6275
     
    #18 Satya, Nov 27, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2009
  19. Roger

    Roger ...

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    yes, this post relates to me quite. I have been hurt many times in the past. But now i learn how to tackle this hard moments. Just be calm and focused person.

    Don't look what they are doing, even don't think about how they should behave to us. We get hurt by thinking others, because it is not realted or connected to our self. Now i know, what should be our big concern in our life?

    Just be little selfish for your happiness, be concerned about how you think and how you are with others. This is most important. We should love ourselves with no options. We should go for it.

    If we stop paying attention to them, then we will not get hurt by them. Whenever they do something hurtful unintentionally, just look at them, don't give any kind of response, because now you know it will hurt you.
     
  20. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

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    Well you could always counter by pointing out some of their weaknesses. Stick to the truth though, don't just make up stuff because you are hurt. Also, consider the possibility that they are correct. If they've pointed out a weakness in you that you weren't previously aware of, it gives you the opportunity to fix it and improve yourself. In this way criticism can be an extremely valuable tool. The exception of course would be if it is said out of spite, or just to get you down. That's not constructive at all.
     
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