Friendships version of the ''Friend Zone''

usually what happened when I went to school is that I would have one very social friend who would introduce me to everyone and then we would hang out in a group setting and then when my friend wasn't around then we would hang out alone and then sometimes we would hang out outside of the school setting.

Now that I am in college I find it way easier to get along with everyone, although, I don't try to approach everyone and make connections since most people are way older than me. 58% of the classes have my contact information and a lot of them do contact me if they need something or have a question, sometimes I've just hung out with classmates studied and later went to a movie, but, yeah, I see how that's not the same as actual 'friends'.

I don't really have any actual friends to speak of, actually, because I'm either busy all of the time or I get kinda stuffy about mixing school friends to my personal life and organization friends to my personal life. Kind of conflict of interest sort of thing.

 

All of my friends that lasted a were made in elementary through middle school. High school I made friends, but never kept the friendship going past a year or a few months after graduation. Maybe I'd run into people I was friends with in College and get there numbers but nothing ever came from them. From what I've heard of others they do the same.

I think that's what separates friends from peers you were chummy with in the past. They stick around and make an effort to keep contact. You desire their presence in your life as they do yours.

 

Hmm. That's odd silently honest, I moved every two years so I didn't make any friends and in elementary school my peers were particularly not becoming of me, so, that's pretty much why I have no mates, eh?

 

Did you like any of them?

 

Did I like any of the people in elementary school? Yes. I wanted to be friends with a few of them but the rejected me and I hung out with the people who had Special Education (Aka mentally impaired) so everyone thought I was mentally impaired even though I wasn't. I just didn't like seeing people get left out. Which is why I ended up getting left out, so isn't that kind of ironic?

 

Ha, not at all. My best friends in 3rd grade at a Lutheran private school were a mentally impaired girl, a closet homosexual who was bad at the closet part, and a kid who would tear up every other day in the midst in class. Add to this I was one of two black kids in the class and was really too broke to even be in such a place and you have someone who was too familiar with being left out.

At least I had my SNES. My closets friends I met in 4th and 5th grade in another school.

 

I understand what you mean. I tend to be in a similar situation myself. Sometimes i would try to call someone or contact them by email and I feel very nervous about it- I wonder if the other person really wants me to contact them.

Sometimes I would contact the person but many times I see that effort is coming almost entirely from my end and the other person does not exhibit a want to reciprocate. It tends to hurt when that happens. I have a tendency to be what some refer to be as being, " a stick in the mud" or uptight, and I am immensely shy- if not avoidant- so i suppose I am not usually a very fun person to be friends with. Supplement that it being "weird" , and having an unusual worldview and values and it can be hard to forge connections. Recently though I have been trying again; but yes, it can be hard to maintain connections sometimes

 

The "acquaintance zone"?

 

RL, I was in the exact same place as you from about 7th-9th grade...what saved me was making friends with just one guy, who later became my boyfriend. He had a lot of girl friends who became my girls, and my friends through high school. And then I did manage to make friends with one other girl, who is still my friend to this day.

Since I've graduated from college, I'm beginning to have this problem again. A lot of people who I saw everyday in classes and activities and considered my friends won't return my calls now that we're graduated. This hurts, because I thought that our friendship extended beyond the classroom, but I guess not. But I do have my fiance, my best friend, and 2 or 3 other real friends who I can call, hang out with, share secrets with, and do all the other things you do with friends.

So, from my experience, here's my advice:

1) Seek out people who don't have many friends themselves. Maybe they're shy, or different, or just an INFJ/P like you. They'll be more interested in taking your friendship beyond the classroom, unlike extraverts with many friends who pick and choose who to spend time with.

2.) Join activities where you go places on weekends or after school. That way, you'll see the same people all the time, and you'll see them during normal "hang out" hours. Not all of these people will become "real" friends, but I bet one or two of them will. I personally did Speech and Debate when I was in high school. We had tournaments away almost every weekend. Other people choose sports, band, Quiz Bowl, etc.

3.) Use technology! If you're shy, IM or email someone instead of calling them.

4.) Don't be afraid to open up a little. People like to feel needed. If you want to become close to someone, take a little risk and share a small secret about yourself. Warning: This can often result in some really weird nights of soul-barring. Other people can attest to this. But I don't think it's a bad thing because usually, if you're sharing that much about yourself, the other person is sharing also. And this kind of night also ends with the people saying, "Wow, that was weird that we just shared all that. But I feel so much closer to you now."

Good luck!