friends and betrayal | INFJ Forum

friends and betrayal

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by firehotemily, Feb 24, 2009.

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  1. firehotemily

    firehotemily Community Member

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    kay this is going to be long so bear with me.
    Lately i've been having some problems and i'm open to any advice you have ^^
    kay.
    I have three BEST best friends alyssa, jessica and brittany. We would go everywhere together, be random, have fun, and help eachother out. Alyssa and jessica are sisters i've known jessica since 1st grade. Like our friendship was at a high last year...it was the best ever everything was going so good.
    But lately they haven't been very nice to me. One time i was at the park and ran into brittany, alyssa and their "group" so i just started to hang out with them and talk...then they all decided that they're hungry so they hop into alyssa's car, turn up the music and drive away, without me. I stand there in the middle of the park watching them drive off...i felt so abandonded. It started to rain and i had to walk all the way home soaking wet. I told alyssa about the situation....she felt bad about it...and said she was really sorry. i forgave her.
    Then on the bus they start inviting themselves to go to some fancy reasturant and to the movies. I asked if i could come, and their like..."i dunno, we don't even know if we have enough money for us, i don't think we have room in our car for you anyways" that hurt. And in the end they were ALL able to go to a nice resturant without me...having fun. Left me again....i tried to forget about it...saying to myself "oh it's fine, they didn't do it on purpose they probably don't know what their doing"
    so it happens again and again, right infront of me, they invite eachother to their houses to hang out...yet when i ask them to hang out.their like "well, my mom might not let me" well heeelloo?!!! what about the other girl that u just invited over to your house brain dead??! i forgave them anyway
    T.T anyways lol...
    I confronted alyssa and brittany about this...they said they're sorry...but never really fixed their behavoir.
    Brittany and i probably bash heads together alot because we're both leaders...and alyssa is a follower...jessica is just...inbetween. Brittany seems to be the cause of many problems right now...it's almost like she's trying to take my friend alyssa away...
    yeah, I make LOTS of new friends, i have lots of accuantainces, so you can consider me known by lots of kids in my school...not necissarily popular, but known.
    I have atleast 30 friends that i talk to occasionally...but none of them i seem to connect with like i do with my ex-best friends T.T
    you can be a miserable person even if you have lots of friends...you need atleast ONE best friend to be with.
    It's so hard to be alone all the time at school...i try to befriend those people that don't have friends...or someone to talk to but, i really want my friends alyssa and brittany back
    Whenever i call them, they never answer, or when they do they're allways busy, or babysitting or off with their friends somewhere.
    but the only reason i keep holding onto them is because Yesterday Alyssa came over and sat with me instead of brittany's group. (i felt bad, cause i didn't want her to choose between friends cause that's not nice) but...she came and sat with me...that was one of the best lunches i've had in a while...we talked and laughed and everything :D it was great
    i just have a feeling that my friends are just going through teenager problems xD and that they'll come back to me. they've always said i was one of the bestest friends they've ever had...and they say "i can only tell everything to you because you don't judge or criticize me" see? it's not that my friends are bad people...i guess they're just having a lot of stress lately...and i can be a little high matinence sometimes..
    but...i still want my best friends back..
    i hate being so alone ALL the time.
    it seems that most people Don't want to be my friend though, it seems like they are intimidated by me or scared or...freaked out or something.
    i feel kindof like the outcast here lol
    I asked my friend alyssa why everybody kindof drifted away from me....she said something to this extent "well brittany and you aren't really friends anymore, you don't hang out as much, and well brittany doesn't like you that much i think...i dunno" T.T sad...so it's all up to brittney eh?
    i'm trying to be a good friend, i'm trying to be a better person, T.T gosh what's wrong with me? i can't seem to hold on to friends for more than a few months and they go away...help me please T.T
    any comments, questions, or advice would be much appreciated
     
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  2. Lurker

    Lurker Has nothing to destroy
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    Doesn't sound like they're being very good friends to you right now, sadly many people regardless of age allow others to influence their actions. Maybe organise something for you and Alyssa to do together outside of school, just the two of you.

    I saw this happen to one of my friends Amy when I was at school, there were three of us that were best of friends and our other friend Lee turned on her and tried (somewhat successfully) to get our mutual friends to do the same and the group split, some nights I'd hang with Amy, other times Lee but I couldn't share their time again in a civil manner.

    Thing is my first friend Amy was like you, she didn’t understand why things had changed or why they couldn’t patch things up, from my perspective it all related to a guy she had been interested in and introduced us all to that Lee had taken a liking to, she felt threatened having Amy around when she was trying to get him to pay attention to her, there was nothing Amy could do to fix the situation as Lee’s insecurity was way too high to handle what she perceived as competition.

    FWIW I eventually dropped contact with Lee as her manipulation, which was clear to see, was too unsavoury for me to handle.
     
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  3. gloomy-optimist

    gloomy-optimist Used to live here

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    That's hard. I know how that loneliness feels, and that's hard.
    First thing's first; try not to get too upset. Remember that there are periods where things get difficult...but that there's almost always a light at the end of the tunnel. Things will pass; life will go on.
    Then, remember that if Brittany's the one that might be causing all of this...well, you still have Alyssa and Jessica. Keep your friendship with them. Even if they might be more busy or hanging out with new people, they might still also be there for you in the end. Let it breeze by; stay positive towards them, and there's a good chance they'll still keep you in their hearts very fondly.
    In the meantime, keep trying to make new friends. They might not be as close; real connections can be really hard to find. But, it'll occupy your time and your mind, which is better than just letting yourself mull over your situation. Something is better than nothing!
    And remember it's not your fault ;) Don't beat yourself up over this-- I was a group wanderer too for quite a while, and you'll find where you are meant to be eventually. From what I gleaned of your personality on this forum, I doubt you're a bad or unapproachable person.
     
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  4. Pristinegirl

    Pristinegirl Well-known member

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    Oh my god, girl I feel for you. This sounds like the stereotypical 'mean girls' story and of course there is always a victim. I think it is lovely that you look upon this with wide eyes but be prepared for the worst. Because these are not what best friends do to you, stamping over you like a freaking doormat. You must see that, dont you?
    I definetly understand how hurtful it must be. Although, you are making yourself a punshing bag, by forgiving them and becoming hopeful. And then have your expectations be lost again because they repeatedly do the same thing over and over, which will bring you down untill you reach the bottom.

    You should definetly decide on whether you really want to be their friend when they are not acting like friends at all?
    Also consider the fact that people change, I have seen good people metamorphosize into horrible backstabbers. If you decide to let them go, you will need a certain mourning time but thats okay.

    On the other hand if you decide to keep those 'friends' then I recommend you to ignore them for a while and not talk to them - Instead let them contact you because they will eventually, because they miss you, if they are real friends that is ...

    Alyssa probably just came over because she had a conscience. She probably wants to be your friend but can't because she wan't to hang out with Brittany who is the dominant leader so to say.
    Especally as you mentioned she is a follower.

    "The naked truth is always better than the best dressed lie!"
     
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    #4 Pristinegirl, Feb 24, 2009
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2009
  5. OP
    firehotemily

    firehotemily Community Member

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    yeah i can see that...and i personally usually don't let people trample all over me i despise it i hate the fact that they stuck me in this situation..soo....i'm not really sure if i should tell her..."we can't be friends anymore" or just silently walk away ...
    i don't think they understand what's going on..and how bad of a friend their being, if i clear that up with them..things might change.
     
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  6. Soulful

    Soulful life is good

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    :hug: That's hard to go through.
    I agree with what someone said - you sound like a very approachable person, and you deserve to be treated better. But I understand not wanting to lose your friends by walking away.
    I would suggest trying to maintain your friendships with Alyssa and Jessica, if you want to try to sort it out. Who knows, maybe with time, they won't be as fond of Brittany (she doesn't sound like she treats people all that well given how she treated you). And in the meantime, try to keep getting to know people. I know it's never the same (at first anyways), but you never know who you'll end up meeting and becoming friends with! :)
     
  7. Pristinegirl

    Pristinegirl Well-known member

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    I agree with soulful, keep interacting with other people. Because you might find someone special who catches your eyes ^^ Anyway I think that you have some initial introspection to do; figure out whether you should give them another chance, and settle on one, and tell them everything. If they redo it or think you are wrong on this subject, then you can for sure tell them to take a hike without any regrets.

    GIRLPOWER I'm with you.
     
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  8. Lynx

    Lynx Newbie

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    This is why I was friends with so many guys in high school. LOL

    But really... It sounds like you have this figured out hun. You know you aren't being treated well but you're still allowing yourself to be treated that way. Unfortunately its up to you to break the cycle. You don't have to be mean - you don't even have to walk away. But Brittany is undoubtedly getting a kick out of you falling all over yourself to try and hang out with them. Don't give her that satisfaction. Girls turn evil at your age for some reason. Not all - but many and it sucks for everyone involved. Some of them get better - some don't.

    You sound a LOT like me when I was your age and I don't want you to think it is all doom and gloom but you may be a group-drifter for awhile. I was. I've settled down with just a couple close friends but even they and I have had our moments where we did not get along very well. They ignored me, or I ignored them or something stupid like that. I have 1 true best-female friend that I can tell ANYTHING to. I have 2 female friends who I can tell a lot of things to. And a lot of other people I know and talk to sometimes.

    Its a part of growing up that really sucks. People change and you will change too - and some of you - it sounds like maybe Alyssa and you - will grow together.

    All in all don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and don't be afraid to be YOU! YOU can be a best friend to YOU and that can be a wonderful feeling. You are a fantastic person and can lead by example. I have faith in you. :)
     
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  9. Grey Wolf

    Grey Wolf Airborne all the way!

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    you don't wanna know what I did to those who betrayed me. i had a few friends who were like that. Long story short, I shut them out from my life forever and completely. Everything nice they ever did was termed as " history " and that the only way I viewed them is horrible. I still view some of them that way. In a way, I realised that its to protect myself. How can you trust someone whos betrayed you? I mean sorry to get a little worked up here but to me, loyalty is one of the things I value the most. I will be loyal to a person as long as the person does not break the trust or loyalty. The moment they do, all hell breaks loose ;) Thus, if I were you, I would just move on and leave them all in the past. The first few days/weeks would be slightly harder but as they say, time heals everything :)
     
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