friend zone | INFJ Forum

friend zone

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by myself, Jul 6, 2009.

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  1. myself

    myself Permanent Fixture

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    All my thoughts are focused on this girl.
    There would be problems with our relationship but I feel like we could work through anything. She is amazing. She makes me want to be the best person I can be.

    She's moving to a new town, she invited me to move to the same place because we have grown really close, and she wants me around.

    But I want to be more than just her best friend. I feel like I'm extremely vulnerable.

    I'm frustrated.

    We experienced a few weeks of romance and then things diminished because she was afraid of getting hurt / terrible timing (because of her move). We still see each other all the time. She wants me to visit her home town, her family. Talks about how she will come back to visit me.

    I just don't know how to handle this girl/myself. I dream about her all the time. My feelings go deep for her, I wonder if hers go the same for me.

    I wonder if I am hurting myself more by being her friend and expecting that something deeper will develop if I am close to her.

    Or would it be better to distance myself? As an ESFJ she has no problem making friends. I'm a bit worried that she'll have a host of people to distract her, and in meeting new guys she'll essentially forget about me.
     
  2. Satya

    Satya C'est la vie
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    It sounds like you have fallen for her.

    Distance isn't going to make those kind of feelings just go away.

    You need to be clear with yourself about how you feel and then be open and honest with her. I would not advise putting yourself in an even more vulnerable spot until you are ready to do so, but that is just me.
     
  3. Jasmine

    Jasmine Regular Poster

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    What Satya said. It I were in your position I would let my feelings be known to her.
     
  4. slant

    slant Sedated slanty

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    Have you listed all of the problems that you would have, or that you assume you would have? If not, now is the time to state them.
     
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  5. pogo_<3

    pogo_<3 Community Member

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    Well, if shes moving, her asking you to move to sounds like she needs you too, (whether she knows it or not) I would tell her how you feel before deciding to move or not. If she feels the same, then go for it!!!
    If you've had some romance, she probably realizes that the moving offer sounds relationship-esque. If she doesn't want to be more than friends, then it sounds like she might be playing you. be careful! :)
     
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  6. OP
    myself

    myself Permanent Fixture

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    I have considered problems that we would have, but they could be overcome. I don't feel that I need to make a list at this time.

    Something which is painful now is just watching her interact with other guys. She is charming and beautiful and it's fun to talk with her. I can see how other guys are attracted to her, it's tough to grin and bear it, act like I don't mind because I'm so confident in our 'thing'...blah blah.

    I'm jealous when it looks like other guys are getting too comfortable with her. She's an easy girl to like, I can't blame them...
     
  7. slant

    slant Sedated slanty

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    So then you've already made your choice.

    pros vs cons

    Apparently the pros outweighs the cons in this situation.
     
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  8. gloomy-optimist

    gloomy-optimist Used to live here

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    Myself, I know what you're going through, and it SUCKS.

    Your best bet would be to take it one step at a time. First off, she offered to have you move to the same area as her. Are you going to? Cuz if not, that would make things much more difficult..

    If you are, then it's a matter of patience and will. Keep her attention focused on you, but don't become domineering or obsessed. Do it subtly. You were close to a romantic relationship; keep it in that spot, until you sure there's no hope. Let her get comfortable with it. Wait to make each move until you feel it's the right time. It's difficult, VERY difficult, and it takes time and will probably drive you crazy. But it's worth the wait...

    I hope this'll help.
     
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  9. OP
    myself

    myself Permanent Fixture

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    (goddamn)
    gloomy optimist...thank you for the advice
    I need to finish up this fall semester at college and then I'm free to go. During those months I don't know what is going to happen.

    Another thing is that her ex boyfriend from years ago lives in the same town she's moving to. I know the guy...he's a great guy actually. She says that there is nothing there between them...that she has turned the page...
    but I fear...
    I have this lingering fear that either things will re-kindle with them, or she'll start dating other guys in her new town, with her new exciting life...

    I try not to be jealous... but I can't suppress my jealousy without also suppressing my feelings for her.

    This is stuff that I feel would be bad to reveal to her, even though I would bet that she already can guess how I feel.

    I'm weak, and I don't know if it's better to reveal that to her, or to start building a wall...
     
  10. gloomy-optimist

    gloomy-optimist Used to live here

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    Building a wall won't do anything except for allow these feelings to well up behind it. I agree that an outlet is advisable -- that doesn't necessarily mean you have to tell her directly everything you feel, but it might be a good idea to make sure you let her know if you feel neglected. If you're a good friend to her, then you'll at least have that right. Don't dump your feelings on her; find another outlet, maybe a creative hobby (writing can help release a lot of pent-up frustrations). I find that forums like this help me talk about what's going on without actually revealing it to the "real world," and sometimes that helps.

    Remember that if she DOES start dating another guy, it's not the end of the world. You might still have a chance later. The trick is to control yourself and your emotions (which is also the hard part) -- if you can do that, then it's easier to decide what to do next.

    If you can't be directly with her for a while, make sure to show her you're thinking of her -- keep in contact, and don't waver.
     
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  11. OP
    myself

    myself Permanent Fixture

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    Weird feeling in my stomach... feeling so pitiful right now.

    We were at the bbq. She was flirting with this guy and I hear them talking about going out for karaoke, how fun it would be. I was cool with everything, managing the situation, keeping my jealousy in check. But later we were parting ways to go home, and she sorta snuck off to her apartment with this guy. I went by her apartment and I could hear them talking. They had put on her favorite disney movie, Robin Hood. Earlier in the night he was whistling a tune from Robin Hood and she smiled at him and I knew something stupid was going on.

    Not one of my prouder moments, but curiosity got the best of me for a moment while I listened outside her door. I stayed there for about a minute, listened to a conversation about movies, some laughter, something about father of the bride, really fun, excited speech from both of them, laughter, they both seemed to be having a really good time. I knew I was just hurting myself by sticking around so I took off and I rode my bike home as fast as I could. Swearing to myself and hating life.

    I realized that once again I had been caught expecting something from this girl, and being ignored. She has been coming over to my house a lot lately. She eats lunch or dinner with me almost every day. Sometimes she touches my arm, wants to touch my hand, sometimes we hold hands. I just feel like those things imply some sort of desire for affection. Maybe that stuff counts more for me. I'm just ashamed to have followed her to foolishly. I wonder if she'll start dating this guy. I don't know if I should cut her out of my life completely, or deal with the pain of being her friend. I can't cut her out, but part of me wants to. I feel that if I move on from her now, it's something for good. "I am not interested in seeing her for lunch tomorrow." This is what I must tell myself.

    I just need to chill out and recognize that this is ok, and probably a good thing. It makes me less likely to trust her. I feel a sadness, as I realize I am letting her go. Part of me wants to fight for her, to forgive her for hurting me and remain friends.

    f
     
  12. anica

    anica dark dreamer
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    My take on this is that your actions when she was with the other guy were motivated not by curiosity but by doubt: doubt in her, but more importantly, doubt in yourself and the relationship. And doubt is a killer, as is jealousy. I know, I've been there.

    From what you've written, it seems this girl has given you plenty of signals that she wants a relationship with you: spending so much time with you, her shows of affection, her asking you to move to the town where she will be living (not to be taken lightly, especially if she ended the romantic part of your relationship because of the upcoming move). It appears to me that you are well out of the friend zone.

    It seems to me the crux of all your suffering is a lack of trust, both in yourself and in this girl. Letting her know how you feel, deciding to move to wherever it is she is going all involve risk; but then all relationships are a risky business. There is the old adage, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained," that might be well for you to remember right now.

    It's possible, of course, that you could take these risks and she could still get back together with her ex, but you have no control over that. My advice is to give this your best shot and then let it go, let things unfold with this girl and enjoy what you have with her now.

    And take Gloomy-Optimist's advice to heart; she is an incredibly wise young woman.
     
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  13. OP
    myself

    myself Permanent Fixture

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    I woke up and I cant go back to sleep. I'm getting more and more upset. I feel like cutting off contact with her. I want to ask her what happened.

    I don't think I can hide it, she will know that something is not right between us. I don't really want to hide it either. It hurts to watch her get involved with others. I am a wreck over her all over again.

    I am so confused.

    I feel like I could vomit. I'm quite troubled. I wish I could sleep. Going to try again now. I just had to write something as it has been a rough couple of hours.
     
  14. Wyst

    Wyst Are you there?

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    Wow dude - sounds like you've got what I had... but in spades.

    I was absolutely crazy about a girl for almost a year. I thought she was totally sending me signals. Then I found out she was dating someone else already. I was crushed.
    Later, she broke up with the guy - but I was still cool leaving things as they were. Until she started asking me for advice on some stuff. Once again I jumped to the conclusion that she was totally into me. After talking about it with a couple of friends, I found out that she's like that with a LOT of guys. Calling them, texting them... she's really co-dependent.

    I learned two things from this painful experience:
    1. What I wanted in a woman - one that wouldn't have TONS of guy friends, of whom I was one of them, just the boyfriend.
    2. I learned that I jump to conclusions at the drop of a hat.

    My advice to you is, first, to decide if you're REALLY ok with her having friendly relationships with guys (if that's something she does). If it's hard now, how hard will it be if she continues to do that after you're in a committed relationship and you've given up your life where you are now to move with her. Could make for some serious resentment.

    Second, be aware, as you already are of how quickly you jump to conclusions. These jumps can leave you doubting yourself and your friend. Just be really careful how quickly you let yourself go down that road. The best way to fight doubt is with truth.
    It may suck, but I would seriously have a talk with your friend. I would try to make it about you and not about her, though. Tell her how you're struggling with the decision about moving to be with her, be open and transparent about your feelings, and be honest with how hard it sounds, while considering a relationship with her, to watch her be friendly with other guys.

    I'm telling you man. Her reaction, whether accepting or defensive, will tell you if you really want to move and if you really want to be in a relationship that could possibly drive you crazy for feeling like chopped liver.

    One thing is for sure. I wouldn't move with her unless I've talked about all this with her. Keeping that all inside and taking a chance, hoping that it will work, is only going to go badly for you if your fears come true.

    Yes, you really like this girl, but is she really who you think she is? Or are you letting your expectations for the relationship decide who she is.
     
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  15. OP
    myself

    myself Permanent Fixture

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    what a hellish night that was...
    my mind was going in circles around these bad thoughts, i couldn't control it.
    it felt terrible.

    i don't know what to do today besides exercise

    i have no appetite

    wondering if i should talk to her at all today

    I really don't want to give up on love. I know there is a lesson here, maybe I'll learn it later. I thought that this girl was so special...I still think she is, but it hurts too much to care about her romantically anymore.

    I don't mean to throw a pity party, but I feel like it helps to write this stuff out. If I can't talk to her about it at least I can talk to you guys.

    Thank you for all of your comments. I appreciate all the advice. It helps to talk to someone...
     
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