fights and arguments

It's just not right.

Seriously the amount of needless bickering and pain brought by many SJ relationships tell me this.

 

Jax and I fight all the time ... but never agressive. Just stuff like me getting worked up over something and then I cool down and that's it. He's gotten mad at me a few times, but after a bit he realizes that life without me would be so very terribly boring and so he cools down and that's it. :mrgreen:

 

My DH is an Ixtx he fluctuates on those two x's and we usually work very well together but if either on of us is in an emotionally unhealthy state we bicker like nobody's business..when life is in harmony so are we when life goes ballistic so to do we...

 

Oh yeah. You aren't married to someone for 9 years without plenty of altercation. Most of our arguements stem from a lack of clear communication about feelings. And its usually him not being able to understand what I am feeling. No matter how I try to explain, translate into 'male', try and get him to relate to my situation, I just can't get him to understand that feelings aren't logical (or rational) and can't be fixed. I get really frusterated when he takes everything in black and white. Its either all horribly bad or everything is peachy keen. Trying to explain that my feelings generally run in shade of gray for some reason isn't acceptable.

I am generally not the kind of person who seeks or looks for a fight. But there are a few things that will set me off the deep end.
The biggest of them is money. I like some security....if something major happens we have a few thousand in the savings account to cover the unexpected expenses. My husband is offended by money remaining in our accounts. This has caused quite a few fights over the years. Now whenever he is apart from us he opens his own accounts and gets an monthly allowance.
The other big beef is lying and deception. He quit smoking in like 06 and was good until he left for retraining in Texas. Well, he started up again and decided instead of just telling me, he'd try to hide it and instructed all his friends to keep quiet about it.

 

I don't understand. Why?

 

My emotions, too, tend to run in black and white... I can't pick out the subtle shades of "kind of upset" or "a little" of anything. If things aren't "completely horrible" and something bad has happened, it's only because that specific thing is "completely horrible" and everything else is good. It's kind of like if your overall emotional state were a square, and white was "good" and black was "bad" (in some way), the bad part would be a quarantined black area within the white whole, rather than a diffuse light-gray spread throughout. When friends ask how I've been (assuming they're not just trying to make small talk--blegh) its like I stop and consider whether the little black area is big enough to bother mentioning at all. If it is (and the other person shows a lot of care/wants to help) the nuances of what makes it bad can consume the conversation, leading to people thinking I'm horribly upset... where if I don't mention it they assume everything's been going pretty well. Subtleties and gray emotions aren't very comprehensible because everything is so compartmentalized.

Out of curiosity what do you mean when you say healthy INTP? What makes them healthy?

 

Out of curiosity what do you mean when you say healthy INTP? What makes them healthy?[/quote:2f0s1gml]
fresh air, exercise, good diet, good genes

 

My argument style is;

1. Silent treatment
2. Being a smartass/making snide comments
3. Making the other person laugh

 

Frozen~ The analogy regarding boxing up and compartmentalizing your emotions is very good.

I just do not do that. My emotional state flows around and colors every other thing going on at the emotionally charged time. I can't divide myself that way. It probably would make life easier for him if I could, but I wouldn't be me if I changed myself so radically.

It's not always a good thing, but its not a bad thing either. When I'm in a good mood those same emotions color everything around me, and when I'm with my friends, I can usually pull them out of whatever funk they are in.

 

aww thanks. And no no no... I'd never suggest you try to change your emotions like that. In fact I wouldn't have even looked up an infj forum unless I thought that you understood them a whole lot better than I could... it's a fundamental assumption of mine that ignoring or misunderstanding reality only brings harm in the end, and I think that your Ni-Fe strength means that you all should know their nature better than anyone else, so if anything I'd say he'd be healthier feeling them as you do. I'm also true to my type description in that I want to explain everything, but don't feel like I should change anything. I wasn't really suggesting that you or he try to change to fit the other--I just thought it might ease your frustration to hear that it's not so much his personal problem, but an INTP thing in general to feel emotions this way.

 

http://www.personalityzone.com/user/DrL ... alist.html

For couples with an Idealist partner....

Actually there look like a number of interesting articles on this site that are applicable to this thread.

http://www.personalityzone.com/group/love-zone/

 

Well yes, he's an INTP, he probably didn't even realise she was in love with him. Don't expect things to clear up on their own, force him to see links and react to them.

 

That's actually exactly why I asked you... I'd also like to point out that although you don't think you knew what you meant, you just gave a bunch of good examples of it . INTPs have both the best and the worst self-awareness I think I've ever seen in anyone. The best because we'll obsess over our motives and (if the individual person in question has integrity) will trace our actions to our motives and beat one or the other into submission until everything becomes consistent. The worst because if one end is off, say if all our experiences with people have ended in betrayal or poorly, everything in us will shift in line with the perception of reality and not too many would bat an eye to think "maybe this isn't how all people are." On that note, I'm glad to hear the description you gave of a healthy one (that goes for myself as much as for him/you). Sometime if you're bored and have the motivation, go read stuff from intpforum.com... not often healthy (I don't think). I'm quickly falling under the opinion that INFJs would be better suited to judge our internal health than we ourselves are.

lol take Shai's advice seriously from now on, if you haven't decided to already . In my first few weeks at college I got asked out to (and went on) on a few dates with one girl, and another tried to flirt with me by giving me massages. I didn't notice either, until I was told that this was going on by other people...... not that I would have handled anything differently if I had known.

hehe... this made me laugh, because my friends joke that I'm a computer, and discuss (behind my back...) whether I've ever gotten "the blue screen error" internally. Glad to hear it's helpful to someone...

I feel like I half owe you something for such a good reply, so I'll try to repay it by breaking potential future tension. The fact that he tries to put his feelings into words for you at all means he feels extremely close to you, no matter how healthy he is. If, God forbid, someday you find yourself doubting his interest in you (as is extremely likely to happen, because you're a girl and it's not going to come naturally to him to remind you), remember that :mrgreen: .

 

Girl at work flirts constantly with me, didn't know that all her bringing me drinks, and making me special drinks and asking me if i wanted to come clubbing (urrgh ) with her were signs of infatuation/sexual intention, until her/my ENFP friend told me about them... now I'm just trying to avoid the topic since i'm interested more in an INTJ, and any relationship with her would have a serious time limit on it. heh, us ENTPs can be just as oblivious and as much with the self doubting as you guys.

Heee, everyone knows that INTPs run on OpenBSD (unix), so they CAN'T get Blue Screen of Death