Fe Overload and Parenting. | INFJ Forum

Fe Overload and Parenting.

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by WellNoWonder, Dec 16, 2009.

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  1. WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

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    Sometimes I feel as though I am completely overwhelmed by the demands of my children.

    I have a set of boy/girl twins. They are 2.5 and I don't know what to do with them sometimes. It seems as if they switch up days to act up on me, and then I have to adjust to the personality changes when they do this.

    Ok. For instance, YESTERDAY, my son didn't want to brush his teeth. I had to cajole and coax, and then I finally got angry and yelled. Then we were both angry with each other. So that morning, I'm propelling him down the street to preschool. He decided he was no longer on the Cooperative with Mommy List.

    TODAY'S morning, my daughter is running around the house naked. Today, she has taken herself off of the Cooperative with Mommy List. And TODAY, my son is being the sweetest little thing in the world, dressed and brushing his teeth (!!!!), saying "Thank you." and just being awesome overall. I have to chase my daughter down and drag her into the bathroom to get her dressed. Her feelings were so hurt, and I felt bad, but she needed to listen to what I was telling her.

    I'm going to admit something so terrible. I do not look forward to going home after work. After they greet me with kisses and hugs and "Mommy, I MISSED you!" immediately afterwards: "Mommy I WANT some candy!"

    "Have you eaten dinner yet?"

    "No."

    "Well, we can't have candy until after dinner.." in cool voice.

    CRASH BANG BOOM MAYHEM AND CHAOS!!!!

    temper tantrums, leaning on the refrigerator, making themselves heavy, rolling on the floor, shrieking..



    right now I am laughing at my description, but it really is not funny when I am observing it. All I usually do is walk away. I don't believe in spankings, whuppings, whatever and such (which really makes me an outcast in my family, because apparently, I am the "Black Hippie", and really I just don't believe in beating people into compliance no matter what their status or age in society is: "TIMEOUTS, that shit dont work, etc."

    I really am trying to figure out how to prepare myself for this onslaught of toddler stuff when I get home from work. Cuz all the Fe of dealing with them is quite overwhelming, so much when they finally go to bed, I turn off all of the lights, computer everything, and just roam the house in the dark for a couple of hours. I get absolutely no cleaning, dish washing, laundry folding done after this.

    I know there's a way of getting through it, but hell.... *literally SMH*
     
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  2. Entyqua

    Entyqua Forgotten
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    Hi. My fe gets overloaded too. Ima mom of an eight year old girl! I have been where u are. When you feel youselg gettig to that point of explosion with my daughter I always told her "mommiez in time out". And you know it worked!!
    Posted via Mobile Device

    edit: ask me any questions you want!! I completely understand!!
     
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  3. Wyst

    Wyst Are you there?

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    !!! hahaha
     
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  4. OP
    WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

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    I'm going to start putting myself in time-out. Really. Their grandfather would put himself in timeout and they would literally freak out.

    What do you do when you feel like jumping in the car and pulling off?? lol
     
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  5. OP
    WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

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    *silently laughing MAO at my desk*

    i'm like "dude...wtf is that?" What angst is this portraying???? my FJ is way lost on this...
     
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  6. Entyqua

    Entyqua Forgotten
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    I put he in the car protect her ears and turn upthe music. (or put in the ear buds) I driv until I'm calm again.
    Posted via Mobile Device
     
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  7. OP
    WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

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    Oh neat. I'm gonna get them some Special Earmuffs. They have great imaginations. All I have to tell them a type of game to start playing and they play it.

    Overall, I think it's cool that I am an INFJ mom of twins. I certainly do not think any other personality type could handle these two, because I really am hanging on to strings from a bridge sometimes.
     
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  8. enigma

    enigma Armed and Fabulous!

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    oH, I AM SO THERE WITH YOU!!! I have a 2yo and a 7 yo, and they can be the sweetest things one minute and, well, the next I want to run screaming from the room!!! For example - yesterday I cleaned my son's room, vacuumed, sorted out his toys, changes his bedclothes. A few hours later of tryign to keep them from killing each other, I go in to find the floor a mess, bed all over the floor, laundry hamper EMPTY on floor, but FULL of stuffy's that were ON THE TOP SHELF - how do they DO that?? I, of course, lose my shit.

    I have 'quit' cleaning 0- why bother - they are like a wrecking crew, and no amount of punishment works. They totally overwhelm me, exhaust me. I am hanging out at work 'cause hubby is home with them and I am in no hurry. I know the pillows will be on the floor, crumbs everywhere, blankets....... blah blah...

    I know - we need maids!!
     
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  9. OP
    WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

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    LOL!

    I would have totally died from Rage!

    ...sometimes I feel like those Blowfish thingies! I start getting inflated with all this hot ass air!

    If I weren't so poor, I would have a Nanny, I swear! And it'd probably be one of my nieces because they totally de-escalate the meltdowns when they see me about to have one.
     
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  10. testing

    On Holiday

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    Hey there sweetie!!! HUGS!!!

    2.5 year old twins? Dear god, that's brutal. Adorable, but brutal. I was just reflecting to myself how I'd much rather face an entire roomful of overworked businesspeople than a couple of grouchy, negativistic toddlers any day. Being a mom -- especially a stay-at-home mom with toddlers -- is incredibly challenging and taxing. Work is truly a break.

    Between you and me, I don't really think any attempts at discipline really work until the child is closer to 4 y.o. However, at 2.5 you do need to go ahead and start with consistent, calm consequences for misbehavior.

    It's so hard not to get angry when the child does something wrong (I had a biter... it horrified me beyond words, but is actually pretty normal) Trust me, when my 2.5 year old bit me on the butt the other day it was all I could do to keep from spanking him. I know it sounds horrible, but you are certainly not alone, toddlers are just plain taxing, and they do things that could easily hurt your feelings. (or in my case, your butt)

    It's so important when you do deliver consequences to try your best to keep calm and quiet; losing it doesn't help. I do think you need to be very, very, very consistent. Time-outs DO, in fact, work, but it is hard to keep that anger and hurt out of your voice. And it may not work the first time, or the second time, or the third time, but if the same actions keep getting the same results, then your toddler will learn and remember.

    I don't believe in spanking either, but I do believe that kids need discipline and firm, gentle conseuences.

    One thing that helped me was "1-2-3 Magic" by Dr. Thomas Phelan. It also helps if you have a thinker in the family who is not quite as prone to taking things personally (like I am.)

    And you may need a break. Nothing wrong with that. Carseats work wonders. It's likely you are not getting enough sleep, may not even have time to eat properly or shower or stuff like that. I will sometimes announce that I am having a bath and lock myself in the bathroom. I used to dearly wish someone would reserve a hotel room for me -- just a good reliable babysitter, a quiet hotel room and a couple of magazines for about 4 hours in the afternoon. You NEED that sort of thing sometimes, really, you do, I totally understand.

    Keep posting please!!!!
     
  11. randomsomeone

    randomsomeone Well-known member

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    I do like that time-out idea!!! :)

    I have two girls and two boys, each four years apart. The youngest is 22 now, but those younger years are enough to fry anybody...I could not do it again!! You have my complete admiration and support...and I mean that. It is a tough job but also very rewarding. Letting go of one's sanity (on some level at least) does help....holding on to it is futile. All the connections being formed now in the chaos can really pay off as they get older...hang in there.

    I have some friends with a 6 year-old and 2 year-old triplets!!
     
  12. Entyqua

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    I think infj mothers are blesses with very strong children. My child is all strengh and power!! She's a wonderful child but so headstrong!! When she was a toddler I experienced much of what you're experiencing. One day you will look bakc on these days when your twins are exceptional weather it be in art or scholastics. Your nurturing sprirt will give them the tools the need to succeed!!
    Posted via Mobile Device
     
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  13. Entyqua

    Entyqua Forgotten
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    Hun I coulda wrote this! I'm right there with ya!!
    Posted via Mobile Device
     
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  14. enigma

    enigma Armed and Fabulous!

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    Yes indeed!My daughter is a red head - totally headstrong and stubborn! And my son is just as defiant. I was never like that it bewilders me some days. My hubby will get home, dinner will be waiting and *poof* I'm gone! They are allllll yours hon!
    Of course I just got back from dropping teh daughter to home b/c it is too much for dad to take teh boy and go get his sister from school...so I drop her home, dishes are still undone boy is eating..something... that is now all over the floor... I don't want to go home! Why can't my ENTP half clean? Why? Why? Why????
     
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  15. OP
    WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

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    My son is a rare biter. He gets in these aggressive moods sometimes. and too, bit me on the softest part of my butt one day and broke the skin. I went inside of myself on that one because I so wanted to bite him back. My ass was hurting for a week afterwards.

    Last night I was very conscious of my temperament levels and how I was interacting with them. They responded pretty well actually. I did put my daughter in time-out last night though. She can ignore people pretty well since she was an infant even, but I think that's genetic, as my mother does it, and I do it also.

    Today I will put myself in time-out and see how this works. Yesterday, such extremes didn't occur.

    They have these really strong personalities, and have been that way from inside the womb. I KNEW they would be these personality-developed newborns and I was so correct. Vastly polar they are, in physical and spiritual characteristics, and everyone thinks they are hilarious. Both of them seem a bit high-strung and I am really laid back, so we appear to be a sitcom sometimes. The mother lying in the middle of the living room floor covering her eyes, while the kids are standing on the backs of the sofas with skullys and rubber rain boots, touching the wall paintings and saying "Look Mommy!"

    I am thinking of putting them in a Waldorf school though. I went and toured one on the other side of town and my heart expanded. I'm sure they'll be great at whatever they choose in life and I think the school lets personalities develop before ramming all the academic shit down their throats.

    I think sometimes I am so concerned about them that I can't relax. Right now I'm a bit high-strung myself because I still havent gotten an X-Mas tree or Winter boots for them(in Michigan, fortunately we have had no snow). So by the end of the work day I am all wound up with planning things and when I get home and they're yelling and throwing things and their granny feeds them spaghetti and they throw it all over the kitchen, I'm just ready to tuck and roll and hide in the deepest corner of the basement.. (lol)

    I do thank you all for your advice. I'm sure it will get better. And today is Mommy's Hang Out Night so I am indeed looking forward to burning off some angst with Merlot and hours of dancing alone on the dancefloor....
     
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  16. testing

    On Holiday

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    Hi Again WellNoWonder!

    I would love to hear your experiences with the Waldorf school. Looked into those myself. My older son is currently thriving in a little local church Kindergarten. I chose that for him since it is much lower student-teacher ratios and shorter days. Public Kindergarten, he would start at something like 7:30 and leave at around 3:00 --- waaaaay to long for a 5-year-old if you ask me.

    About being concerned about your children? Oh, am I ever this way. Have been accused of hovering, esp. when they were babies and toddlers. (I loosened up a bit -- just a bit -- with my second.) Sometimes I wonder if the "slacker mommies" have it right. But then my sons will say "I love you so much mommy!" and I will just melt and do Whatever It Takes to make sure they are thriving physically, mentally and emotionally.

    Just know: they are going to be okay, and it will get easier, and you will be okay, and eventually have less chaos. Get that 123 Magic Book, it's really helpful.

    It is so important to take care of yourself, I am glad to hear you are planning a mommy night. It's hard when you're working full-time; you get the rushed times of the day -- breakfast, when everyone's just waking up and hurrying to get up, get dressed, get fed, go to school/work -- and dinner/bedtime, which is what we like to refer to as The Witching Hour in our house. Tired toddlers are not nice toddlers! LOL. It's so unfair; you miss out on the nice, relaxed hours of the day.

    And spaghett is a nightmare to clean up! LOL!
     
  17. OP
    WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

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    I was sliding around on noodles in the kitchen this morning. ha!

    I just got a lil extra cash too this morning so i'm gonna run and get the book from Border's (and an XMAS tree, well not from border's) before I go home.

    I so understand the hovering. I can be in another room. and it seems as if my ears detach themselves and go hover in the room thet they're in, or whatever corner my consciousness perceives them to be in, because sometimes they can get away from me which I don't like, but I guess I have to start granting them tiny bits of freedom.

    I think I am a slacker mommy in a lot of ways. But then, of course INFJs judge themselves harshly, are prone to perfectionism, etc. so I don't really think I am but I do think I can do so much better. My family is full of mothers who spank and curse at their children, and I am enraged by it. It makes my Soul very sad. And I think that's why all the kids in my family gravitate to me because I'm way laid back but I do expect good behavior without all the cursing and belts and stuff.

    If I even say "frikkin" or "stupid" my kids are all like "Mommy, don't say that!!!!"

    I feel a lot better today, especially since I know later this evening I will be with some adult people I barely know, yet they seem to really understand my INJF-ness. It really helps me wind down....
     
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    #17 WellNoWonder, Dec 17, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2009
  18. Lucifer

    Lucifer Registered User #666

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    Well I have no idea what it is like to be a parent so I wouldn't know how to help.

    But I've heard the terrible twos end eventually.

    *Shrugs*

    Maybe they'll mellow when they get older
     
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    #18 Lucifer, Dec 17, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2009
  19. OP
    WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

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    :rofl:
     
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  20. OP
    WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

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    Omgosh the hilarity. I just came out of TimeOut. They went ballistic. I was dying of laughter on the inside but it worked. Lololol
    Posted via Mobile Device
     
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