Fe is annoying! | INFJ Forum

Fe is annoying!

Satya

Satya

C'est la vie
Retired Staff
May 11, 2008
7,278
562
656
MBTI
INXP
I'm sorry, but it is. I have an Fe dominant roommate and we are driving each other nuts to the point that we both have serious reservations about rooming with each other. Online I have the Fe problem of dismissing belief systems that aren't based on solid rational or evidence to the point that people feel attacked and it creates an atmosphere of hostility. Offline I have an Fe problem of my lack of "mindfulness" about things like using a coaster for drinks, not touching walls where I might leave fingerprints, remembering to sign off my e-mail account when using my roomy's laptop, and not asking too many questions.

And you know what! Fe doms are not considerate of other people's time! There I said it! I know I'm not considerate of people's space and feelings, but dammit, there are more important things than making a good impression! You don't need to take several hours cleaning and getting things just perfect!

Please help me understand this evil function. Yeah, I'm a slob. I don't know many young INTPs who are mindful about messes. I don't know many who are mindful about this social world you all seem to live in where sensibilities take priority and it is such a huge painful embarrassment when someone is acting outside that norm. I have just enough Fe to step into your shoes, but not enough tolerance to stay in them.
 
Last edited:
My roommate is an Fe Dominant. He constantly plays loud music or has the TV at a very high volume, and on occasion tries to eat my food.

We've had our fair share of spats and most of that is resolved. Sometimes you just gotta raise your voice.
 
That is part of the problem. Fe dominants seem notorious for sandbagging. They collect a long list of things that you do that annoy them and wait until their anger reaches a point that they drop it all on you at once. I like being blunt and honest. If I don't like something you do, I'll let you know. That is called "consideration". And my Fe dom roommate has the gull to say I'm inconsiderate because I forget to use a coaster? I mean...come on, this is a two way street here!
 
Well the way I see it you have several options to choose from.

The first is to let your roomie know that you're a bit of slob, and tell him or her you're trying to be better.

The second is to form your own list of minor grievances (even really petty stuff can be made to look big if you can blow them up that way) in written form so that you may bring it up against your roomie next argument.

The third is to ignore your roommate, or pretend to humor them but really not do a thing they ask you. Basically go about your own business while claiming you'll do what they ask of you. (Not recommended)

The fourth is to get a new roommate.
 
I wouldn't live with this person if I were you. He sounds like someone who has his undies in a bunch over little things perpetually (i.e. needs to learn to relax). Move out if you can.
 
I dunno. I really want to make this roommate situation work because she is a doctoral candidate and I know it would be good if some of her professional habits rubbed off one me. She is also gay friendly which is way better than some of my past roommates have been. I also could do with learning to be more mindful of people's sensibilities.

On the other hand, the way she handled this situation has been eating me up inside. I don't want to walk on eggshells for the next nine months. She also wasn't very considerate of my time and I get the feeling that this is only the tip of the iceberg. I strongly suspect that she has been less than truthful about a few things because she has to set up boundaries but does not want to insult me. The problem is that I find that practice insulting. Does Fe really drive people to be that concerned about other people's feelings?
 
Satya said:
I dunno. I really want to make this roommate situation work because she is a doctoral candidate and I know it would be good if some of her professional habits rubbed off one me. She is also gay friendly which is way better than some of my past roommates have been. I also could do with learning to be more mindful of people's sensibilities.

On the other hand, the way she handled this situation has been eating me up inside. I don't want to walk on eggshells for the next nine months. She also wasn't very considerate of my time and I get the feeling that this is only the tip of the iceberg. I strongly suspect that she has been less than truthful about a few things because she has to set up boundaries but does not want to insult me. The problem is that I find that practice insulting. Does Fe really drive people to be that concerned about other people's feelings?
Click to expand...

The negatives outweigh the positives from what you just explained, and you are putting more weight on the negitives. You say you just want it to work because it has potential, but it just isn't worth it, and I have reason to believe you know this, but want to pretend it isn't (and that my friend, is you using Fe as well).

And yes, Fe will make people be that concerned with others feelings. Some people do it well, some people are terrible at it.
 
Satya said:
I strongly suspect that she has been less than truthful about a few things because she has to set up boundaries but does not want to insult me. The problem is that I find that practice insulting. Does Fe really drive people to be that concerned about other people's feelings?
Click to expand...
Yes. But it doesn't have to be always in a good way. Neither would it always manifest in a good way. She seems to do both.

You can talk to her; is she that kind who would and could compromise? Otherwise, find a new roommate. But I wouldn't suggest it, you seems to think she's important, and the chance's way too random, and it's, in one way or another, running away from a problem that you unconsciously may have caused, which might happen again.

If she's the kind who would compromise, I would very much suggest talking to her; finding a time then talk about it. Find a time when you're able to express your concerns without being confrontational, and she's able to listen without getting angry, and let it all out with the pretext of wanting her understanding, without raising your emotions *which she'll receive as you getting angry for 'unimportant things' or 'not caring about her' or 'being inconsiderate' even when she's also doing that, but I'm not talking about being fair here*

....there's going to be some sacrifices here. ;(
 
I thought you are Fe-dominant? Oh wait...

But I've noticed ENFJs often have serious clashes (similar is the case with ENTJs) - they accuse each other of being manipulative assholes. I guess part of the trouble is that they are masterful at accusing stuff anyway.. so I don't know which one to believe!!

But hey, all extroverted functions are supposed to be annoying for their introverted counterparts. That's why introverted functions even exist - by opposing the annoying extroverted functions. Luckily, even "introverts" have plenty of extroverted functions, so no one is safe from some good old douchebaggery. :D
 
Last edited:
Yeah, I'd say sit down and talk to her. Start off with an opening like, "I think we should discuss some stuff given that we are both very different people. I'm sure we can come to a compromise without pointing fingers and creating conflict, and I do want make this an atmosphere that is comfortable for both of us. Also, I want to be able to talk openly, civilly, and especially honestly with you when we need to." And continue from there.

Fe dominants can really skirt around confrontation, but then do really weird things that cause confrontation anyways...so it's good to make sure you establish a relationship where she's really comfortable just speaking her mind without worrying how you'll react. And likewise, you have to be careful to not criticize her for doing so.
 
I think I'm leaning toward just finding a different roommate. When I was admin, we all saw how good I was at compromising. I would go a few days with my Fe hat on, and then in would roll Mr. Ti to spoil the day. My intuition is screaming that it would be a bad idea to room with her even though I respect and admire her. My behavior was inconsiderate but was unintentional, whereas sandbagging is intentionally inconsiderate. And anyone who would deceive me to try to save my feelings is undermining what I consider to be the foundation of a good relationship. I think what is mostly holding me back is the fear of finding a new place. I guess I'll just have to buck up and make my decision after chatting with her this evening.
 
Good luck. I wish you for a good, peaceful chat, and all the best :)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom
Back