ENTP/INFJ

[Ixsportu2er]

First, I would like to say that this topic has probably been brought up numerous times, and beaten to death, I understand this and still want to throw some ideas around.

Okay, as you can see on the side, I'm an ENTP, currently in college, and I've had quite a bit of experience with INFJ's (and I have to say I am quite the fan), One the deepest most amazing girlfriends I have ever had was/is an INFJ. And yes, I messed it up and have been in a state of regret and obsession ever since.

The stuff above was before I knew anything about personality types, and I've only known about them for 3-4 days, but If you know anything about ENTPs, you should understand why I am here. I discovered typology through a INFJ, I knew for a while, but didn't really talk to until three days ago.

She had always noticed that we talked very easily and was in her head, typing me, well, eventually she just came out and asked, "Whats your personality type?", which I knew nothing about, but she advised me to go take a test. Well, I secretly had a huge crush on her, so I humored her, not only that, but why not? you know?

I did, and I'm ENTP, I read up on it, and it is completely me, so accurately me, and it's brought a lot of perspective to me in the last few days, a clarity and self realization that is just incredible. I've always felt lost, or unable to be related to, when I let myself go, no one tends to understand me. Anyways, That's not the point to this post and I should get back on topic. (When I told her I was ENTP, her eyes lit up, and she became very excited)

Well, In the last few days we've hung out a great deal, our text messages are numerous, but not just that. They're in paragraph form most of the time, and so fluid. So I asked her to go on a walk, and she agreed, and we walked and talked for 5 and a half hours, and I felt on fire. Its like I'm a young boy who has discovered his first erection, my mind is blown. Generally, talking to girls can be a chore, or a game, depends on my intentions, but this is neither, it's like my consciousness decided to unload itself, and reset back to who I truly am (For the longest time, I've been pretending to be someone else, and had no idea I was even doing it). I hated myself because often, I've tended to offend people, be extremely arrogant, or frankly just a bit destructive to other people. My general response is people either love me, or hate me, over time it always tends to turn to love though .

Anyways, back to this INFJ, in the past 3-4 days our talks are long and deep, she makes my skin crawl, and my heart flutter, but on to the problems.

I normally do not care about much of anything, I BARELY care about school, but I'm falling hard for her, and she doesn't seem to me to be interested. I asked her last night through my insecurities whether or not she was interested in me, And she said yes, or why else would she be talking to me so much. I thought to myself, DUH, why couldn't I see it. BUT! after a six hour conversation we had at the library, she went home, and didn't respond to my text, then when she did, she was apologizing, but I never gave me a reason why. Today she has been reclusive, telling me that she is kind of depressed, and that she needs to clear her thoughts, and stuff like that, but I'm over here freaking out. I'm smitten by her, and I've never felt this insecure in my life, I really wish I could intravenously intake her thoughts into my brain.

I feel like my problem hasn't been thoroughly explained, so, i'll try to re-explain. She scares me, I don't like being hurt, I don't want to hurt her, and I have a problem with doing that. She's scared of me, and has told me that, She graduates in May, and that pisses me off. She's got morales, and is driven, and has good grades, and I feel inadequate. She has AMAZING grades, and is so driven and idealogical, she's so perfect. And she's been so distant today. I want her so bad, but she says she's scared of commitment, and that when she falls, she falls for good.

I feel like there's more, but my head hurts, and I should just let you guys read. So here goes

Please help

 

[IndigoSensor]

It's simple: use your Ne, do what's natural for you. If you are yourself, she will either see you in your most honest form. If she likes it she will stay, if she doesn't then she will pass you on. You have to trust though, that if it doesn't work out, that you must let it go. If you try to chase her too much it will damage the relationship in a horrible way. When an INFJ decides, that decision can not be swayed by someone who has an angle (whether or not they are conscious of it).

Right now, just spend time with her, let her know your intentions, and just treat her in the ways she wants to be treated . INFJ's love clear intentions and honesty.

 

[Ixsportu2er]

But I'm such a terrible person, and I feel like I'm not good enough for her, We're SO different on the surface, but no matter what I tell her, and I've told her some of the worst things I've ever done, she seemingly just laughs. She says none of it bothers her, and she may not agree with what I say, she understand where I come from when I do it.

I get so much energy from her, and I don't want to lose her. I've been as honest as I possibly can, and I don't seem to have a choice. As I said, or maybe it wasn't that clear, I tend to puke my insides out all around her, and I can't help it. I feel reborn.

And I'm talking to quite a few girls right now, and I want to stop talking to them, but I don't want to cut them off if she doesn't have any inclination of wanting something serious. She's not clear with what she wants from me, and it's riping me a new one. One moment, I feel like she is really digging me, and the next I feel like she is running away. She needs to decide what she wants from me, so I can act accordingly, and I don't seem to be able to get a solid feeling either way.

EDIT: And also, You said "INFJ's love clear intentions and honesty.", How honest do I need to be? And how clear of my intentions, I tend to go really fast, and I see hundreds of steps ahead of what ever I'm doing, and honestly, I know I've only known her for a few days, but I could totally see myself having an Intense, and very serious relationship with her, but i'm scared that if I share that with her, she'll freak out, and run away. She's graduating soon, and I asked as a general question, "How do you feel about long distance relationships?" and she responded, and told me how she felt, but then she quickly said, "This is sounding very close to commitment, and commitment scares me." Which I quickly tried to comfort her, and tell her that I was just being general and curious. Thoughts?

 

[IndigoSensor]

But I'm such a terrible person, and I feel like I'm not good enough for her, We're SO different on the surface, but no matter what I tell her, and I've told her some of the worst things I've ever done, she seemingly just laughs. She says none of it bothers her, and she may not agree with what I say, she understand where I come from when I do it.

Get that stupid terrible person thought out of your head. If she claims to like it, and seem to enjoy you as a person, then what does your thought of being a terrible person have to do with it if SHE doesn't think that way of you? You're going to create a self-fufilling prophacy if you think this way and instill these feelings you keep having about yourself.

I get so much energy from her, and I don't want to lose her. I've been as honest as I possibly can, and I don't seem to have a choice. As I said, or maybe it wasn't that clear, I tend to puke my insides out all around her, and I can't help it. I feel reborn.

Again this is what I say to this: So? So what if you do this. If THIS is fostering a relationship, and everything is going well, what good will it do to question it or fear it. The fear understanable but you MUST work through it. Lest these fears manifest and you push her away.

And I'm talking to quite a few girls right now, and I want to stop talking to them, but I don't want to cut them off if she doesn't have any inclination of wanting something serious. She's not clear with what she wants from me, and it's riping me a new one. One moment, I feel like she is really digging me, and the next I feel like she is running away. She needs to decide what she wants from me, so I can act accordingly, and I don't seem to be able to get a solid feeling either way.

You need to figure out where your priorites are. Who do you want, what do you want, and how are you going to get it? You seem to know how to do it, you just need to sort out what's most important to you.

Spend time with her, get to know her, and let her know that, for your own sake, you need to know what her intentions are and what she wants out of this. Make it safe for her to say exactly how she feels about you, and state that it is very important to you.

 

[neverhood]

you didnt do anything wrong. she needs to think about it. she sounds like shes a thinker. lucky you! just let her do her thing, and if she doesnt want to commit, let her go. women are weird creatures.

 

[Ixsportu2er]

you didnt do anything wrong. she needs to think about it. she sounds like shes a thinker. lucky you! just let her do her thing, and if she doesnt want to commit, let her go. women are weird creatures.

You INFJs seem so secure, I have issues letting go, I tend to get obsessed with things, this would be the first time it's a woman, but I feel it, and I'm the type of person to not give up until I'm facing the gates of hell, it's always been like that, and I never quite understood why. In the face of losing, I tend to get very calculated and devise huge long plans, and strategies for getting what I want, and I know this will be no different. I Love your advise, and I respect it a lot, but at the same time, you say it like it's the easiest thing in the world to do. That sounds SO hard. So incredibly difficult to accomplish, I normally have great will power, but that sounds like a near impossibility.

 

[Ixsportu2er]

IndigoSensor- Check my edit please, I want your insight.

 

[IndigoSensor]

You INFJs seem so secure.

LOLZ! Oh, I wish! Haha.

In all seriousness though, give it some time, try not to panic, and just give it time and imbrace the fear. You are you, and there is nothing to fear but fear itself. That will make you more genuine and real to this woman. INFJ's like that sort of thing.

EDIT: And also, You said "INFJ's love clear intentions and honesty.", How honest do I need to be? And how clear of my intentions, I tend to go really fast, and I see hundreds of steps ahead of what ever I'm doing, and honestly, I know I've only known her for a few days, but I could totally see myself having an Intense, and very serious relationship with her, but i'm scared that if I share that with her, she'll freak out, and run away. She's graduating soon, and I asked as a general question, "How do you feel about long distance relationships?" and she responded, and told me how she felt, but then she quickly said, "This is sounding very close to commitment, and commitment scares me." Which I quickly tried to comfort her, and tell her that I was just being general and curious. Thoughts?

I this case, I would tell her how you feel about this, be honest. BUT, and this is a very important but, you have to respect her wishes and be willing to compromise. If she wants to take things slow, then take them slow. If she says to slow down, or back off, honor it. Don't go insofar as to cause yourself extreme pain by doing this though. Just keep the communication lines open with her. That way, you both know where you want things to go.

 

[not sure]

I this case, I would tell her how you feel about this, be honest. BUT, and this is a very important but, you have to respect her wishes and be willing to compromise. If she wants to take things slow, then take them slow. If she says to slow down, or back off, honor it. Don't go insofar as to cause yourself extreme pain by doing this though. Just keep the communication lines open with her. That way, you both know where you want things to go.

I'm taking a risk of getting the boot.

inTj here so, in all likelihood my advice is complete rubbish.

[MENTION=387]IndigoSensor[/MENTION] is right. Take it slow and keep the communication lines open.

May I suggest writing a letter instead of face to face communication. The attraction between opposite types can be overwhelming especially for the person who is afraid of committment. A letter keeps the communication and the romance going but reduces the threat level. You both have time to consider carefully what is written and get your thoughts and feelings out gently.

To any inFjs who think I'm talking bunk, I apologize. Also, get in here quick and undo the damage. I don't want to be known for destroying true love.

 

[Ixsportu2er]

In all seriousness though, give it some time, try not to panic, and just give it time and imbrace the fear. You are you, and there is nothing to fear but fear itself. That will make you more genuine and real to this woman. INFJ's like that sort of thing.

See the bold text.

I don't know what you mean, Do you mean to show my fear? Or just be knowledgeable of it? Or to try and control my fear? or admit my fear?

I feel like showing my fear, besides just stating that I am fearful to her, would show weakness, and I don't want to be perceived as someone who is weak, or not strong. I've always done quite the opposite, I have issues with showing weakness, I tend to be boastful, and my instincts lead me more to trying to impress and woo her. But Ive never dealt with a girl like her, she's so complex and deep, which I love, but at the same time, it confuses and frustrates me when I can't read her. I tend to be able to read everything, and she is quite unreadable, irrational almost, her logic generally goes a different path than mine, and I'm not sure I understand how she works, and I may never know, and that scares me. The world is so basic, and causality is very obvious through concise and thorough observation, I observe her, and I see organized, methodical, precisely accurate and disturbingly clear CHAOS. Perfection. It's everything I've dreamed of, and it tickles my inner conforming non-conformist. Like, I could be a dictator, and she could be my Empathetic Ambassador that makes sure that no one rises against me. We would make the most amazing dynamic duo.

 

[bickelz]

Right now, just spend time with her, let her know your intentions, and just treat her in the ways she wants to be treated . INFJ's love clear intentions and honesty.

+1

When she recluses like she did, don't panic and do the typical extroverted thing and think that she needs to be around people. She needs her space. That's not just an infj thing, it's an introvert thing.

Be honest, let her know why you are there (but don't make an ass of yourself with it), give her the space she wants but still make the decisions with dates and stuff because women don't like a man who can't decide. Just be delicate and watch what you say.

 

[Nixie]

Yea, this is really cute. I don't want to sound mean or anything here. Just saying, it is cute.

I am all about the easy. Maybe you could just show her what you wrote here. That would be a good shortcut.

If that is too personal to you. Why don't you just say something along the lines of "I'm scared but I would like to see where things go between the two of us."

 

[Ixsportu2er]

May I suggest writing a letter instead of face to face communication. The attraction between opposite types can be overwhelming especially for the person who is afraid of committment. A letter keeps the communication and the romance going but reduces the threat level. You both have time to consider carefully what is written and get your thoughts and feelings out gently.
.

Idk, I feel like she would ask me why I didn't just come and tell her, completely out of character for me, and she's the one that normally suggest that we talk in person, the first time we did, was completely her idea, with some encouragement from me. (maybe I manipulated the situation, was kind of my idea, but she's the one who asked, so it was hers?). In any case, she says she doesn't want to talk about serious feelings over the phone/through text messages because she doesn't get the chance to read me, Not that she can anyways, but she thinks she can. Or who knows, maybe she can, but in any case, I don't like letters, and the reason why is I feel like i'd be giving her to much time to over think, and I feel like I may not get the complete truth. Not that she'd lie to me, but If I ask in person, I can tell instantly how she feels just by looking at her, and tell if i'm talking to her, or her representative.

 

[bickelz]

If that is too personal to you. Why don't you just say something along the lines of "I'm scared but I would like to see where things go between the two of us."

Great advice. Don't do the letter thing cause that would be weird, especially if you mailed it. You could say something like "I'm scared and I don't want to mess this up and I feel like I'm getting mixed signals from you when you become secluded".

 

[Ixsportu2er]

I am all about the easy. Maybe you could just show her what you wrote here. That would be a good shortcut.

To me, that feels like I'm scripting this for her. And you hit it perfectly with the first line. "I am all about the easy." It's too easy I feel, I don't want to sound like I'm attacking you, because I love the thoughts, and all advise is appreciated. But I really feel like she will think that I'm playing so sort of mind game, She's super smart, Super intuitive, and I think she will read between the lines and come to the wrong conclusion. She sees right through me (Which scares the shit out of me).

If that is too personal to you. Why don't you just say something along the lines of "I'm scared but I would like to see where things go between the two of us."

I've done this already, and her response was "I'm worried im too confusing and complicated and maybe you're right and you should avoid me before you regret it", I responded with "You're complicated, but not confusing, But i'm just as complicated. I could never regret talking to you." She changed the subject after that.

Edit and note: I didn't say it that simply, but that's essentially what I said. I said I was scared, and that I wanted to see where things go, but at the same time, my natural instinct tells me to run, because I'm scared of getting hurt.

2nd Edit: She just texted: "Whatuppp!" Completely out of character, and way to simplistic, and I responded with something relatively simple, but not to simple not to answer, and Its been 15 minutes.... I responded within the minute..... what is going on... I'm so confused.

 

[Nixie]

Okay then, my best advice is to freak out and hang on for the ride. Good luck.

Edit: Meaning that sometimes things are beyond logically figuring them out. If you like her, keep trying to swim the emotional currents.

 

[Phoenix Down]

But I'm such a terrible person, and I feel like I'm not good enough for her, We're SO different on the surface, but no matter what I tell her, and I've told her some of the worst things I've ever done, she seemingly just laughs. She says none of it bothers her, and she may not agree with what I say, she understand where I come from when I do it.

I get so much energy from her, and I don't want to lose her. I've been as honest as I possibly can, and I don't seem to have a choice. As I said, or maybe it wasn't that clear, I tend to puke my insides out all around her, and I can't help it. I feel reborn.

And I'm talking to quite a few girls right now, and I want to stop talking to them, but I don't want to cut them off if she doesn't have any inclination of wanting something serious. She's not clear with what she wants from me, and it's riping me a new one. One moment, I feel like she is really digging me, and the next I feel like she is running away. She needs to decide what she wants from me, so I can act accordingly, and I don't seem to be able to get a solid feeling either way.

okay, I've put in bold the things that concern me.
I don't know what you've done, and its probably nothing major... but i'll be dramatic anyway.

Remember, To err is human, to forgive divine. You need to learn to forgive yourself. Seems to me she likes you well enough, and you her. When you say you're not good enough for her, you're not being fair. Not to her, and not to yourself. Think about it, do you like to inflict pain on those you love? if it fair to expect her to punish you?

Now think of this:
Your will manifests itself in the words you speak. Whether they be curses, or words of joy, the souls of those words yields power. It's easy to say to yourself that you're a horrible person and envelop yourself in that apathy, but are you okay with just letting yourself be the victim?

If you want to make good, you gotta stop taking comfort in the feeling of being punished, and instead live with what you've done and work to atone for it. She's being kind to you, so don't be afraid to thank her for that kindness by being kind to her.


Okay moving on, Have you considered your insecurities are also manifesting in a way that may be confusing to her? Seriously.

Also, if you don't want to talk to other girls, don't. Girls are common. Girls you don't want to lose are not. logic. Use it.

For my final point, I'd like to speak out of experience. DON'T YOU DARE PRESSURE HER INTO MAKING A DECISION. Remember, Haste Makes Waste, and being an overbearing jerkface makes people not want to deal with you.

I promise If you give her as much time as she deems necessary to make a decision based on what she feels is right, she'll appreciate you for it.

cool? cool.

 

[Ixsportu2er]

Remember, To err is human, to forgive divine. You need to learn to forgive yourself. Seems to me she likes you well enough, and you her. When you say you're not good enough for her, you're not being fair. Not to her, and not to yourself. Think about it, do you like to inflict pain on those you love? if it fair to expect her to punish you?

Normally I don't care, she makes me care. Apathy is my normal driving force for almost everything, now it's empathy. You're advice is amazing, I'm just not use to being empathetic, not even with myself. I'm not good at it, but that's why I like her so much. Her empathy pours out of her, I feel at peace around her, but as soon as I leave her presence I begin a cycle of self loathing. I'll work on it.

Okay moving on, Have you considered your insecurities are also manifesting in a way that may be confusing to her? Seriously.

Interesting..... I don't exactly know what to do though, I feel see through around her, Maybe I should just let go, and zip up my man suit. Bravo again.

Also, if you don't want to talk to other girls, don't. Girls are common. Girls you don't want to lose are not. logic. Use it.

Logic is my driving force, But I always need a back up plan, I am seemingly people dependent, I'm always looking for my next high, and for some reason, I'm always scared of having nothing, But i'm expecting her to take a leap of faith on me, so maybe I should take a leap of faith on her? Bravo for a third time.

For my final point, I'd like to speak out of experience. DON'T YOU DARE PRESSURE HER INTO MAKING A DECISION. Remember, Haste Makes Waste, and being an overbearing jerkface makes people not want to deal with you.

I promise If you give her as much time as she deems necessary to make a decision based on what she feels is right, she'll appreciate you for it.

cool? cool.

You're probably right, this will be hard for me though, Have you met an ENTP? lol, I'm not exactly known for my tact, at least not when it matters most. -Sad Face-

Side note: Wish I knew your personality type, you don't seem like an INFJ just because you seemingly just handed it to me. Thanks for telling me to grow some nuts, I know how to do that, At least temporarily.
^Edit^: ENTX? whats your last? I bet you're ENTP..... You ripped me a good one, Never met an ENTJ they seem more rare than me. I just noticed that your MBTI is slightly clever, Guess it took me a second.

 

[DevilDoll]

Don't obsess over it too much. That only hurts you in the end. Give her the time and space to properly gather her thoughts. If you come across too pushy or needy she will likely pull away even more and I doubt that's what you want. Just be her friend for now. Don't get ahead of yourself and try to rush into things. Oh, and if she decides she doesn't want to pursue a romantic relationship with you respect her decision and try to remain her friend all while moving on. All I can really say is try to be as mature about the situation as you can.

 

[uuu]

With INFJs, all you can do is give her time. She'll come to a decision eventually, and her sudden anger/withdrawal is her way of telling you she's also unsure of her feelings, and wants some time to herself to think this over. Keep talking and saying hi, but give her her space to think. Soon enough you'll learn what's really up.
oh how i wish i had an entp