ENTP + ENFJ? Daughter and Mother relationship? | INFJ Forum

ENTP + ENFJ? Daughter and Mother relationship?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Matariki, Nov 28, 2009.

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  1. Matariki

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    Hi,

    I was wondering how this sort of relationship would work out.

    You see my mother is an ENFJ and I have trouble from time to time working with her.
    Shes not all hugs and love. Shes very much into discipline and she always telling me what to do.

    When I don't listen to her she rubs in my face. I've given up listening to myself. She's always right about everything. I have very little confidence in my own decisions now. I've failed art school twice in a row. I'm depressed that I have failed, now my mum wants me to stay home and look after the kids (my siblings) and work while her and my younger brother attend music school next year (by the way they got top marks this year).

    Everyone tells me how cool she is, and how I look like her etc. but this makes me feel sad.

    My older sister says that my mum talks about how great I am to other people, but in my eyes often to me (not enough) I need to be told these things as I can't sense them emotionally.

    Work to me means allot especially when its contributing to my future. If I can't work one on one with a tutor It makes it a whole lot harder to learn (I have asperger's disorder).

    I always try to make my mother proud. I want to make her proud of me in something that I'm happy doing.

    Me and mum argue allot about my future and plans. For me I am either right or I am wrong, I feel like that am never right.

    My dad (INTP) says I'm over exaggerating the truth, which gives me even less confidence in myself in what I say.

    I feel like Im not worthy of being in my mums presence, I feel stupid around her.

    My dad says that I'm like my mother emotionally (this makes me annoyed as she tends to overreact over things)

    I know what I want to do and what I want to study. I've made mistakes, i'll admit that, I have a passion for art but not as a career more as a hobby. I really want to do film (since I was a little girl). I thought that studying art would serve as a good foundation.

    But I feel that she doesn't belive in me. This doesn't motivate me, It drags me down. She rarely ever looks at my work.

    My family is on rocky ground at the moment and my mother and father are always fighting. My mother blames everything on my father and my father is overworking himself. I'm worried about him.

    I dislike my mother at the moment for many reasons;

    She blames everyone else.
    She makes promises all the time and fails to keep them.
    She says that we a burden for her and that she wants to move away from us.

    Whenever I try to tell her any of this she just tells me I don't what I'm talking about and tells me to go away.

    I feel very heart broken and I find recently that I have been crying more often than usual.

    I am very confused right now.
    All I want is for my mother to love me and my family. :m167:

    So If there are any parents (or anyone that can help) out there can you help me and tell me what I need to do?
     
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  2. VH

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    She does! Very much from the sound of it. The problem is that you're not able to see how she's showing you as love and affection. All of that demanding and discipline is her way of showing you that you're one of, if not the most, important person in her life.

    :)
     
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  3. Raccoon Love

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    Hahah, Very true, ENFJ's like many J's seem to be a little demanding but they are very affectionate and compassionate(for the most part). They are like guides. I think she just wants the best for you.
     
  4. OP
    Matariki

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    I don't understand, she refuses to listen to me and she dosn't look at my work.

    All she tells me is that I have to clean the house, look after the kids (her kids), go to work etc.

    Shes very demanding.

    She dislikes what I do. She keeps telling me that there is no money in art and that getting a career in film is border line impossible. She hates it when I go to the gym, or to my martial arts club, or fishing (activities that keep me happy) she keeps telling me its a waste of money (even though I pay out of my own pocket) I don't have a car, so most of the time I walk in order to do my activities.

    Everything she says to me is like a slap across the face. :m192:

    When I'm feeling down she dosn't ask whats the matter, instead she tells me to clean the house. :m142:
    Wheres the love in that? :m075:
     
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    #4 Matariki, Nov 29, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2009
  5. Zero Angel

    Zero Angel Permanent Fixture

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    Wow that's harsh, I guess ENFJs arent all flowers and kisses like one would think (being NFs and all), I have an ENFJ teacher and I find her annoying and demanding too.

    They can be convinced with sufficient logic but extraverted judging types can sometimes try to steamroll through things which makes it difficult.

    She's right about the art/film thing, though I think its to your advantage to continue to pursue them as hobbies, anything that enriches your life is worth doing -- still it's always good to have a fall-back career in mind, one which exploits your other passions or things you're good at. ENTPs can sometimes do things without thinking them through, but they are good at coming out with ideas.

    As far as the gym thing goes -- I guess one argument that might work is that good physical health helps to maintain good mental health and to try cut you some slack. Though its hard to store arguments like that and then use them at the right opportunity, it IS true.

    You could always try asking 'why' (why are you so angry -- why do you want me to do this, etc), it might annoy her but questions like that can sometimes disarm a person.

    If you ever have a really explosive argument, after it is over there is usually a cool down period where you can be honest about your feelings. This would be the best time to bring up your objections to the way she treats you (ie: when you do X, it makes me feel 'Y', or, "sometimes I feel as if you don't believe in me") by expressing how her actions make you 'feel', she cannot necessarily take this as an attack on her and so will not go into defensive mode, which is something you want to avoid -- since when most people are on defensive mode, they are difficult to persuade.
     
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    #5 Zero Angel, Nov 29, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2009
  6. OP
    Matariki

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    I don't get it, the NFJ's that I have talked to personally keep telling me that It would be impossible to make it in the film industry, I understand its hard but not impossible.

    Look how Walt Disney and Peter Jackson started out.

    Surely everyone has seen how much rubbish is coming out of hollywood these days.

    I do have a back up in mind, but to me film is king.
     
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  7. Zero Angel

    Zero Angel Permanent Fixture

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    She is probably evaluating things by probability. Most people will not make it, but then again how successful you are depends on your talent, drive, looks and other factors.

    One thing that I like about ENTPs is that they have the guts to go for things regardless of what their chances are.

    So long as you have a contingency plan you should be OK. You're young and even if you go for it and fail, then you can still choose something else.
     
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  8. OP
    Matariki

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    Yes, I have observed this. Shes stubborn as hell and belts out her opinions.
    Everything has to be done her way which makes me feel even more like crap.

    I've tried that, but she ends up getting angry at me.
    One time she kicked me out of the car and I was forced to walk home. Most of the time she shouts for my dad to come and dismiss me. :m080:
     
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    #8 Matariki, Nov 29, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2009
  9. OP
    Matariki

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    Don't worry, I thought about that. I have a plan B. I always do. :m059:
     
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  10. Zero Angel

    Zero Angel Permanent Fixture

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    Awesome.

    Anyways, if she's really an FJ, she will likely go with compromise. If she wants you to babysit her kids for example you can try to make a counter-request. If she refuses, then you can use that opportunity to point out that she's being unfair.
     
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  11. OP
    Matariki

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    She said that I will get paid to look after them by the government.

    My problem is that I don't want to be stuck at home. I want to be able to go out and do art at the local art club and to continue doing martial arts at my local dojo,
    however I can see myself being stuck at home all day expected to do all the cooking, washing, cleaning. Of course this isn't a problem if you don't have to take care of 3 younger siblings (9 - 17 years)

    The oldest of the youngest suffers from low functioning autism and is unable to do things by himself, he breaks things (windows and cutlery) when he's upset. He's about 6 foot 2 so its hard for me to restrain him.

    The second youngest has a phobia of phones and refuses to answer it, not to mention she sleeps all day and gets very little things done around the house (shes an INFP) and the third youngest is hyperactive and likes to break things and lacks severe discipline (aka a brat, I can't place one hand on him, he's an ENFP)
    And me, I suffer from asperger's disorder. :m080:

    Not to mention on top of all of this I have to work at my crappy job.

    Considering what I have to look after I expect more than just money. However she thinks otherwise. I want to be able to go out fishing sometimes with my mates or paint with them but she disapproves of this.
     
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    #11 Matariki, Nov 29, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2009
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