[INFJ] Enfp girl struggling with her INFJ boyfriend

[Reve1autremonde]

Dear INFJ,

I'd like to have your opinion on that:
I have met a this INFJ that I fell in love with in another country and I ended up to move to his country after he suggested me to come. I am a free spirit so I said yes... we knew each other's for not so long but that was so intense That I thought I should give it a chance. Before I officially moved to his country we had 2 months love long distance reIationship and he said to me that he could not promise me to not have sex during our 2 months away. That sounds crazy but even if I was disappointed in a way at this time I thought : at least he is honest and doesn't promise me that he will not see any other girls and lies. We finally met us again after the two months of long wait and after a week together with him acting a bit awkward I asked him if he dated other girls when we were long distance. He said yes and told me that one was a one shot and the other girl was a friend that he has known for 10 years and they had sex
6 times (i asked him.. I must be masochist butI wanted to know all) . It was very painful for me to hear that as on my side I waited for him and could not even think about having sex with anyone else. Also we were speaking on the phone everyday when we were at distance and he actually told me that he had no time for girls as he was focusing on writing his book so I was quite confident I should not be worried and when I met him again I was very "full on". On his side has was very warm and kind but when I said cute words he was not very responsive ...
So After that and what he revealed to me about those girls I started to Have doubts and I had a bad intuition that something was going on. Last week he left his computer turned on when he was away and I could not resist to check his Facebook. I know that's bad but I had to know the truth and I could feel that he would never tell me everything... my intuition was good... he was still chatting with one of the girl he slept with and was asking to see her again. He was mentioning me in the message he sent to this girl saying that he could find an excuse to see her again when he will be with me so that they can continue to see each other's... there was also ambiguous conversation around sex with other girls ... That was a real shock to read all of that. This guy seemed so far from the profile of the playboy... that's the typical INFJ intellectual / philosopher. He is a deep idealist with plenty of morals and ethics (enneagram 1 for those who knows about enneagram. Everyone thinks he is the good guy as he is always helpful, nice, polite... I really thought I was safe with a guy like this and booom...!
Just after I check his Facebook he came back and asked me if I checked his computer. I told him that I did and that I have seen everything and that I was so chocked. He did not even seemed to feel sorry and actually puts all the fault on me. He was terribly cold and impassive and was just repeating with a freezing calm " such a shame you did that" without even looking at me. I told him "okay and what about you who wants to meet a girl behind my back for sex?" But he was just not listening to me.. this happened two days ago, we live in the same apartment but he does not talk to me and act if I am transparent. I asked if we could have a honest conversation between adults but he said he does not want to talk with me and have been avoiding me everytime I tried to initiate the conversation... I don't want to be with him anymore and the only reason why I want to have this conversation is because I hate leaving things like this and we were having such deep conversation together that I would be willing to forgive him and be friends with him. I still have a lot of compassion for him. I know that sounds crazy but that's the way i am. It would be good to have an exterior eye on the situation and I hope you will be able to help me on what I should do now and if My desire to arrange things is crazy or understandable....

Thanks in advance.

 

[Professor Snep]

we were having such deep conversation together that I would be willing to forgive him and be friends with him. I still have a lot of compassion for him.

[...]

My desire to arrange things is crazy or understandable....

Do you believe you can fix him or that he needs to be saved?

 

[Scientia]

Leave him. He doesn’t love you. INFJ doesn’t mean virtuous. It only means that he follows his own value system, whatever that may be.

 

[Reve1autremonde]

Do you believe you can fix him or that he needs to be saved?

Not really because he is the kind of guy who does

Do you believe you can fix him or that he needs to be saved?

Leave him. He doesn’t love you. INFJ doesn’t mean virtuous. It only means that he follows his own value system, whatever that may be.

Thanks for being so straight to the point. Yes .. I agree, if he loved me how could he act this way? I was just expecting we could talk about what happened, laugh about it and be friends. I already know that I don't want him as a boyfriend as I can't trust him.

I think he is what we call an unhealthy INFJ... For example he will make everything for the girl to fall in love with him, act like a Prince Charming and will seem so in love (listening so well, caring, special attentions...) when he is actually very detached in his mind and does not really let his feelings being expressed. He also seems to enjoy the push-pull in a relationship so when I seemed very in love he didn't seem to be so attracted to me but when I took a step back then he would be the one coming to me...

Professor Snep, that's a good question... did I try to fix him? I had a tendency to do that before in my relationship so what you said makes me think a lot but the reality is with that guy there was nothing to fix from the exterior as he looked like "Mister Perfect" and he actually did not like when I was offering my help to him for any basic things. It seemed almost like an offense to suggest him to help. Nevertheless, I saw his fragility and I had so much compassion for him. Two times when he was explaining me his life vision and how he wanted to help the society he started to cry and I fell the intense desire to protect him and take care of him at these moments... There is something so special about this guy, he is very deep and we could speak hours and hours with such an intensity... that just makes me sad to see him acting like if I am dead and transparent but at the same time being in the same appartment and seeing each other's everyday (that's for one more week). I also wonder if his doorslam happened because he is really hurt, shocked by the fact that I was snooping in his computer or if that's because I saw who he was and how contradictory he is between his values and what he did to me. Any thoughts on that? Thanks a lot.

 

[James]

Before I officially moved to his country we had 2 months love long distance reIationship and he said to me that he could not promise me to not have sex during our 2 months

I think you already know what you should do. I've known quite a few male infj over the years. All of them were married, one had been divorced years before, but none were ever unfaithful that I knew of.

I'm not saying that's impossible for infj, but it's unusual. To not be able to remain faithful for even 2 months? And then the rest? It's not a great show of commitment. As for trying to "fix him" that is usually a hopeless cause.

Best wishes.