Emotional Affairs
- Thread starter Odyne
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Churches often sanction divorces on several grounds- including emotional abandonment. They don't want anyone putting up with miserable or abusive homes anymore than that person does.
Sex and emotion are intertwined. If they're not, your love life is boring.
This sounds reasonable, and I have adhered to it.
I work in a male dominated environment, and I too have male friends with whom I hang out. However, in the context of romance, I have made it an effort to spend more time with my SO and invest in the relationship and in who they are.
I think that exclusivity provides the necessary environment for trust to grow and fears to subside in a relationship. In the larger context of marriage, that would allow to build a partnership strong enough as I imagine more shared responsibilities come with such commitment.
I don't want to own my partner. And they can be friends with whoever they want, but if I catch them writing love letters to another person, I will leave. I'm not about playing games or getting angry. I just go, no bullshit. I only ask that our love be exculsive and if you aren't going to be able to do that, I understand, but good bye. Simple.
I think this comes closest as to what emotional cheating may be. I think it's when those romantic feelings have shifted from the person you are involved with to someone else outside of the relationship, without the relationship being over.
Absolutely.
I've been in a relationship where, although there was open communication between us, there was a sever clash in perspectives and an outside opinion and advice would have helped a lot.
Unfortunately, I didn't have that at the time but I think that when all exclusive attempts to fix the problem fail, it is positive thing to find support and help from the outside. Preferably, people you trust to have good intentions for you.
Just because I don't like to make these issues gender related, I would imagine the emotional damage to be as equally devastating to men as they are to women. :thumb:
I agree, but it was a key point in the article I read (it was a few years back or I'd try to locate it) that most men seem to feel like physical cheating is worse than emotional cheating. I think its important to get from it that men and women often view it differently, which can be a pretty big source of conflict or disagreement. I know it'd be devastating in both the case of men or women, but from a 'which is worse' standpoint I think its interesting
I think infidelity in a marriage or an equally committed relationship is a sign of trouble whether it is emotional or physical. It means that there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship, regardless of fault. Obviously, it is okay to have colleagues and friends of the opposite sex. This is not only natural but often a necessity. But, there are clear lines drawn. If you're in a committed love relationship, you don't give or make "love" outside the relationship. That's not to say that you can't have close friends of the same or opposite sex. Why not? A truly strong relationship is one where such friendships don't threaten it, but, rather, enhance it. My wife has many male friends and colleagues and that's good because they enrich her life. I'm not threatened by them. She's part of me and I'm part of her. That's just how it is.
Beautifully said, [MENTION=1678]Norton[/MENTION].
I understood your point but I was enjoying my rant and I figured why not throw that in too. Oh, I'm naughty. Sorry.
That article was interesting to say the least. =) It is definitely easier to draw the line if there has been a physical affair that's for sure. Particularly if the private detective you have hired has taken some very good photographs.
Sorry, can't help myself. I'm now about to subject you to my theories on affairs and the whys and wherefores. I hope I'm not too boring.
I do believe that some people stray physically way earlier than they stray emotionally. When I say this, by way of example, I'm thinking of men who perhaps go out looking elsewhere for physical intimacy that the wife may be too tired or burdened to provide. If you follow the links back a bit, maybe the wife is not in the mood because she doesn't feel supported emotionally or otherwise so the sex is the first thing to go. She then starts to shut down in other ways. They're not communicating or connecting on any level. He misses the sex so he gets together with someone from work who doesn't have the emotional and financial burdens of his home life to carry. She gives him some sympathy and they enjoy a bit of mutual satisfaction... then he gets careless, the wife finds out he's bonking someone else and all hell breaks loose. She sees the end product which is the sexual affair. She doesn't realise that it started way before that. It's a real chicken/egg scenario ...
But I guess what I'm trying to say with it is that I think both elements are entwined and therefore both are infidelity but perhaps they are infidelity at different points on the continuum.
I also need to say that I understand completely why somebody would have an emotional affair. For me, sex is nice in the context of a loving relationship but if the love and the bond aren't there, that is far worse. An emotionally loveless relationship is hell on earth.
Sorry, can't help myself. I'm now about to subject you to my theories on affairs and the whys and wherefores. I hope I'm not too boring.
I do believe that some people stray physically way earlier than they stray emotionally. When I say this, by way of example, I'm thinking of men who perhaps go out looking elsewhere for physical intimacy that the wife may be too tired or burdened to provide. If you follow the links back a bit, maybe the wife is not in the mood because she doesn't feel supported emotionally or otherwise so the sex is the first thing to go. She then starts to shut down in other ways. They're not communicating or connecting on any level. He misses the sex so he gets together with someone from work who doesn't have the emotional and financial burdens of his home life to carry. She gives him some sympathy and they enjoy a bit of mutual satisfaction... then he gets careless, the wife finds out he's bonking someone else and all hell breaks loose. She sees the end product which is the sexual affair. She doesn't realise that it started way before that. It's a real chicken/egg scenario ...
But I guess what I'm trying to say with it is that I think both elements are entwined and therefore both are infidelity but perhaps they are infidelity at different points on the continuum.
I also need to say that I understand completely why somebody would have an emotional affair. For me, sex is nice in the context of a loving relationship but if the love and the bond aren't there, that is far worse. An emotionally loveless relationship is hell on earth.
I think that there is a point where you can damage a relationship for someone because of a deep emotional attachment. As for good friends, I agree with Norton, friends enhance our lives. I have been tossed aside by a male friend because his SO didn't like the fact we were friends. I dunno. I didn't appreciate it at the time but I am sure his relationship with his future wife was more important. Such is life! When emotions become involved, all bets are off.
Here's my .02 Cents.
I think it's normal to see the opposite sex and think about having sex with them. Sex is a very primal mechanism and it can't be helped how you feel when you see someone attractive. The problem occurs is when you take it a step further, and start making reasons to talk to that person, or flirt with them. What can occur is a chain reaction that starts out as emotional cheating, to physical cheating. I believe when you are committed to someone, you have to make it a point to avoid all situations like that. If you see someone you are very attracted too, you have to make it a point to avoid them. Sometimes that can't be helped, but for example, if I was at work and a super model with an amazing body came up to me and said
"hey Ive been watching you for a while and I like your work, do you want to get together on this project together?"
What might go through your head might be "wow this girl is hot, what's the harm if I work with her on this work related project? I'm not doing anything wrong, it's just work". You would be lying to yourself. The motivation for you wanting to work with this women is because you are attracted to her, in that itself is the beginnings of emotional cheating. It's a lot easier to tell her that you are busy now then later.
This is how I believe two people can stay faithful, they stay focused on each other, and not anyone else. I also belive that this responsibility is of your own, you can't control other people, especially by telling them not to talk or see someone.
I think it's normal to see the opposite sex and think about having sex with them. Sex is a very primal mechanism and it can't be helped how you feel when you see someone attractive. The problem occurs is when you take it a step further, and start making reasons to talk to that person, or flirt with them. What can occur is a chain reaction that starts out as emotional cheating, to physical cheating. I believe when you are committed to someone, you have to make it a point to avoid all situations like that. If you see someone you are very attracted too, you have to make it a point to avoid them. Sometimes that can't be helped, but for example, if I was at work and a super model with an amazing body came up to me and said
"hey Ive been watching you for a while and I like your work, do you want to get together on this project together?"
What might go through your head might be "wow this girl is hot, what's the harm if I work with her on this work related project? I'm not doing anything wrong, it's just work". You would be lying to yourself. The motivation for you wanting to work with this women is because you are attracted to her, in that itself is the beginnings of emotional cheating. It's a lot easier to tell her that you are busy now then later.
This is how I believe two people can stay faithful, they stay focused on each other, and not anyone else. I also belive that this responsibility is of your own, you can't control other people, especially by telling them not to talk or see someone.
I think the whole "emotional affair" business is nonsense.
And yep, you WILL fall in love with someone else after you marry. What you DO with those feelings is what determines the "affair".
To have feelings continue about someone... can't help that. Guilty of nothing. If you act on your feelings...different story.
If you have sexual feelings for another person besides your spouse...and they feel the same for you.... you have a decision to make. Or stay married and flirt all you want...forever. *snicker* ...won't work... something's gotta give.
And yep, you WILL fall in love with someone else after you marry. What you DO with those feelings is what determines the "affair".
To have feelings continue about someone... can't help that. Guilty of nothing. If you act on your feelings...different story.
If you have sexual feelings for another person besides your spouse...and they feel the same for you.... you have a decision to make. Or stay married and flirt all you want...forever. *snicker* ...won't work... something's gotta give.
Exactly, sweetea. Love is a demonstration of will. Romantic love as beautiful as it seems, I have no interest in. The love that survives 70 years of marriage is the one where the participants choose each other over and over again. You don't stop being a human being because you are married. I guess the major problem I have with emotional cheating is that it's a thought crime. If I'm going to be held responsible for my thoughts with no consideration for my actions I might as well turn myself over to the authorities because I've broken countless of societies laws and mores in my mind all ready.
My ex-husband (it will be official next month) was first emotionally unfaithful in 2002 in our 4th year of marriage. She was long distance and he'd met her on the internet, as we had years before (we were geek pioneers, of sorts). She lived on the other coast, and there was never anything physical, but I knew he had the propensity, the potential, to be unfaithful. It was after 12 years of marriage that he took the next step with a co-worker, and sadly, for those 8 years in between, I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I knew he could, and would, follow through eventually. When you're married such a long time and have a child together, you have to cling to hope.
I see things so differently now. I have learned that to ignore your intuition only brings more lessons of why you should listen to it.
Yes, emotional infidelity is just as painful, just as damaging as physical infidelity. Maybe even more so. I would have preferred he'd had a one night stand with someone he'd never see again than to carry on for months with someone, though physically distant.
I see things so differently now. I have learned that to ignore your intuition only brings more lessons of why you should listen to it.
Yes, emotional infidelity is just as painful, just as damaging as physical infidelity. Maybe even more so. I would have preferred he'd had a one night stand with someone he'd never see again than to carry on for months with someone, though physically distant.
Oh, that's horrid. I'm sorry things didn't work out for you guys.
We have something in common ... the spouse and I met that way too (1998) and nobody was doing it in those days so it used to raise some eyebrows. Funny how things have changed.
There've been issues in our marriage too and interestingly, my mother is often fond of blaming how we got together for the problems. I suppose that makes it easier for her to accept.
We have something in common ... the spouse and I met that way too (1998) and nobody was doing it in those days so it used to raise some eyebrows. Funny how things have changed.
There've been issues in our marriage too and interestingly, my mother is often fond of blaming how we got together for the problems. I suppose that makes it easier for her to accept.
I did not read all of the comment, so I am sorry if I am going to say something that has already been said.
I think that it depends on a person...like some people they are emotionally attached to one person, and quite cold to others. Other people however...I don't know if it is right to say "they have bigger hearts", but they just tend to create emotional links quite fast.
I don't think it is a form of cheating unless your conscience really tells you it is. As long as you are sincere and honest with all of your emotional partners (it sounds horrible...), then I don't think there is place for doubts and feelings of guilt.
I think that it depends on a person...like some people they are emotionally attached to one person, and quite cold to others. Other people however...I don't know if it is right to say "they have bigger hearts", but they just tend to create emotional links quite fast.
I don't think it is a form of cheating unless your conscience really tells you it is. As long as you are sincere and honest with all of your emotional partners (it sounds horrible...), then I don't think there is place for doubts and feelings of guilt.
i know this is an old thread but I just had to add my thoughts,
I think Deeds are eternal...deeds.. not the emotions, not the thoughts nor desires nor the fantasy...its the actions. I read through a several posts, but did we consider the idea/truth that we are not in control of our emotions nor really our hearts, a Man can fall in love marry because his heart moves him as such, but he is not in control of his heart. If he heart ever fell our of love or in love with another this is beyond his control. this is the internal world of the soul the inner working of the mind and heart. He is in control of his actions, control of his response to the feelings. and Not acting ie. not committing an affair through sex or other physical encounters is IMO staying true to his word. This is the real test. I do not believe that we can judge a person based on what is in the heart the feelings that come and go the desire or the closeness they get with another. this is not what we must judge by. The Actions of a man are eternal actions speak truth. Words can and do lie....thoughts and feelings are like waves in an ocean forever in motion and forever changing. But a mans action is what he has DONE. it is what will DEFINE him. his action. and staying in a marriage is an Action, now if the emotional "affair" leads to the action or the disconnection ie divorce than that is the action that we look at.
because of this I have to say that I do not believe emotional affairs are real, in the sense that they are simply feelings not acted upon, and nothing more. are they even true feelings? idk.
I would like to think that when one marries they are doing so in there actions and the actions that are to come in the future. you are joined to the other person in this life and in reality of the body....
I would like to think that in the mind and heart you are still a independent person, with a free rage of feelings....if not or this is not enough, than we are truly chained.
I think Deeds are eternal...deeds.. not the emotions, not the thoughts nor desires nor the fantasy...its the actions. I read through a several posts, but did we consider the idea/truth that we are not in control of our emotions nor really our hearts, a Man can fall in love marry because his heart moves him as such, but he is not in control of his heart. If he heart ever fell our of love or in love with another this is beyond his control. this is the internal world of the soul the inner working of the mind and heart. He is in control of his actions, control of his response to the feelings. and Not acting ie. not committing an affair through sex or other physical encounters is IMO staying true to his word. This is the real test. I do not believe that we can judge a person based on what is in the heart the feelings that come and go the desire or the closeness they get with another. this is not what we must judge by. The Actions of a man are eternal actions speak truth. Words can and do lie....thoughts and feelings are like waves in an ocean forever in motion and forever changing. But a mans action is what he has DONE. it is what will DEFINE him. his action. and staying in a marriage is an Action, now if the emotional "affair" leads to the action or the disconnection ie divorce than that is the action that we look at.
because of this I have to say that I do not believe emotional affairs are real, in the sense that they are simply feelings not acted upon, and nothing more. are they even true feelings? idk.
I would like to think that when one marries they are doing so in there actions and the actions that are to come in the future. you are joined to the other person in this life and in reality of the body....
I would like to think that in the mind and heart you are still a independent person, with a free rage of feelings....if not or this is not enough, than we are truly chained.
This has to be so. I don't mean this in a flippant sense, but that we are fundamentally free, and so we should be. I think this last quote says it all, you can love fully but at the end of the day the only true 'contract' you can have so to speak, must be with your soul. Desire and compatibility that you have with others can be controlled to various extents, in order to maintain emotional faithfulness, but at the end of the day we are all free spirits, there is no guarantee, just the desire to remain committed, in my opinion at least.
An emotional affair involves deceit. If there is no deceit then I'd have trouble calling it an emotional affair. It's the continuous deceit by omission of the truth; hiding a "friendship" and the amount of communication, thoughts and feelings shared between two people outside the relationship for what can be months and years. They aren't simply feelings; they are a series of choices. Hidden.
Those are deeds. We aren't free to deceive.
Those are deeds. We aren't free to deceive.