Emotional Affairs

[Odyne]

We've all heard about sexual affairs (physical cheating) and how they could be damaging to a relationship, cause trust issues to the parties involved and the reasons behind them happening in the first place. The topic has been addressed extensively.

But..anybody heard of emotional cheating? Having an emotional affair with someone outside of your relationship?

http://hubpages.com/hub/Emotional_Affairs-The_Shocking_Truth

This link is the closest thing to a clear definition of what an emotional affair is. There aren't that many things said about it, and not many people address it. Is that because it is difficult to pin down or prove?

Is emotional cheating considered a form of cheating? Is it just as damaging to the relationship as physical cheating? Is it also just as difficult to work out and try to amend?

Thoughts?

Also, if anybody has better links or sources to read up on this it'd be very much appreciated.

 

[not sure]

I think it's nonsense and just another example of people attempting to own other people. This topic gets me really angry so I'll leave it there.

 

[Phage]

I didn't know there was a word for it. This is actually the type of thing I worry about. I don't care about what is done physically, but if your heart was in it, then it is unforgivable. It means you never truly loved the person you were with. At least in my eyes. I know other people have different standards and expectations.

 

[Odyne]

I think it's nonsense and just another example of people attempting to own other people.

That's interesting. I'd love for you to elaborate on this, because I've heard different definitions of it.

I didn't know there was a word for it.

Me neither. I've just found out.

 

[Gaze]

I think emotional affairs are real. I think people forget that when you make a committment to someone in a relationship, there's always an emotional component. If you are emotionally intimate with someone in a way that's usually reserved for your partner or significant other, then i don't see how it wouldn't affect a relationship, especially since emotional intimacy with someone involves sharing personal feelings or thoughts, something which usually, although not in all cases, creates emotional connection and closeness between people, whether or not its intentional.

 

[not sure]

That's interesting. I'd love for you to elaborate on this, because I've heard different definitions of it.

I'm really reluctant to get into this but let's begin with the definitions you have heard.

 

[Gaze]

I think it also depends on what is basis for your relationship with someone. For example, i value the emotional and social over the physical aspects of a relationship. I consider the emotional aspects of a relationship a special personal benefit of being with a partner; it determines how i emotionally feel or connect with my partner in a manner that i wouldn't with anyone else. The way i'd relate to my SO would be unique of course, so if they do this with someone else, it would make me question why they're exclusively with me in the first place. Relationships, personally, are much more than whether some is interested or likes who you are. A major component of relationships is what you share with someone personally, emotionally, and how you interact with this person. Many say, well as long as a partner is there for you than that's the most important thing. Actually, the relational aspects of a relationship or relational dynamics between people and not just what they do for you is just as important if not more.

 

[Odyne]

I'm really reluctant to get into this but let's begin with the definitions you have heard.

If you don't want to elaborate on it Kiu, then it's fine. I'm just terribly curious at knowing all points of view.

Some don't see it as "owning others" but rather sharing an exclusive or a deeper level of emotional connection with their partner within the context of a romantic relationship.

I imagine that the emotional investment from both parties is necessary for a healthy relationship. To some people, it is an essential part of what differentiates a friendship from a romantic relationship or a love interest.

 

[donkeybals]

@OP Yeah I think so cause once I told my wife I was getting together with a friend for drinks to talk about our marital problems and how our emotional needs weren't being met. I don't think she like this very much because she slugged me in the kisser and wouldn't let me go.

 

[aeon]

Heard of it? I’ve always understood it to be a part of infidelity as a whole.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infidelity


cheers,
Ian

 

[Barnabas]

I call shenanigans

 

[Odyne]

I call shenanigans

How insightful.

 

[Chamomile]

I once read that emotional cheating is considered by many women to be more harmful to a relationship than physical cheating. It seems to be a little reversed for men. For me, both are deal breakers, but I can see how marking physical cheating up to 'he couldn't keep it in his pants' is easier to accept (and not feel as much rejection for) than 'he likes who another woman is more than he likes who I am.'

An ex of mine cheated on me emotionally before he cheated on me physically (I also think they are heavily connected and can lead to each other quickly, which is why they are both deal breakers in my book). I realized that with the emotional cheating, I felt devastation, rejection, heartbreak, and tons of shame. I even felt like I couldn't admit it to my friends, as if it was my fault for not being enough. With the physical cheating, I was crushed, but I hated him for the betrayal. Its like I didn't blame him in a way for emotionally cheating on me or something. I was less confident in myself at the time, but I think I would still tend to feel that emotional cheating is more painful.

 

[Feelings]

Yes an emotional affair is definitely cheating.
To me, a physical affair is just as bad.
Yes it it more difficult to prove because you have no idea what your partner and their "platonic friend" actually say to each other and how they say it. Although if you knew exactly what they were saying to each other then it would be quite easy to prove.
Because of the way that I am, I don't really understand the notion of repairing a relationship after someone has been unfaithful. To me, if a person is unfaithful, it's over. I guess others are more forgiving.

EDIT!: Actually, upon further introspection, if I really love someone, I'd still love them no matter what they do or how unfaithful they've been. Still, the notion of putting forth a conscious effort to unfuck whatever my partner had fucked up doesn't seem relevant to me. I'd be heavily Fi guided really. I think I'd love them but be deeply angry and untrustful of them. Not sure how it would all play out though.

 

[not sure]

Okay. Let me see if I can tackle this. At the moment, I'm so angry that I can barely think. Forgive me if this is not coherent or objective. It is near impossible to take an objective stance on this.

Humans are emotional creatures and that's how we bond to each other. The most intimate of the bonds would be a committed relationship. Another bond is a close friendship. Friendships would not include romance and I would agree that if it did the parties would be obligated to bring the friendship to an end. Friendships would not include sharing the details of the committed relationship. To me this is abhorrent.

The problem I have with the concept of an emotional affair is that people (especially, women) do not seem to know where to draw the line. It seems like any friendship can be accused of demonstrating infidelity.

They wish to own their partner, body and soul. This is not practical. It is not possible for all human need to be satisfied in one person this is why we have friends. It is not practical for you to offload all your care on anyone. Therefore, we share with different people as is appropriate and where we find kindred spirits. Romance need not be involved or even considered.

Beverly Clark: We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

From the movie "Shall We Dance"

That quote is absolute insanity. By the time the actress finished saying that line I wanted to slap her. It was the most selfish concept I've ever heard. "I will be your witness." LOL. For God's sake, people need room to breathe, even committed couples. It's human.

I know my opinion is an unpopular one but it is a correct one. Unnecessary jealousy and suspicion is poisonous. This concept of emotional infidelity is used as an excuse to perpetrate all manner of boundary crossings of the individual, controlling the partners access to money, spying, searching through phone contacts and reading email are examples. This is a pet peeve by the way. Reading email that is not directed to you, particularly annoys me. There is a basic principle that letters are the business of the addressee unless the addressee has invited you to read them. All of these in my view are violation of the rights of the individual to privacy. I consider all my communications no matter how trivial to be private.

Now, I have personally witnessed a husband cower before his wife because she wanted the communication stopped. Which it was immediately for three reasons. He loved his wife which everyone except her seemed to know. Secondly, we had no romantic interest in each other. We were FRIENDS, believe it or not. Thirdly, I have such a distaste for this sort of thing that I will do anything to be rid of it. There was no attempt to understand the friendship, just the assumption that it was improper. I was and am still deeply offended on my behalf and his. When someone accuses you of this sort of thing, believe me there is absolutely nothing you can do to prove your innocence. You are guilty of whatever wild, nonsensical notions pop into the person's head. It is bullying and domination, plain and simple.

I do recognize my view on these matters goes against what is popular. However, I see the rights of the individual as above all else. I do not subscribe to this idea of two joining to become one. Nonsense! I do not believe love is just warm feelings and sharing dreams. Love is a matter of will. WILL. Therefore, it comes down to who the person wants to be with. Here comes the hammer. End the friendship to prove you want to be with me. Done. In the process, however, if the friendship is genuine as the accused says you have effectively forced the accused to admit guilt where there is none. That is injustice! That is not love. That is possession. I guess that's all right if it helps you cope with your insecurity. No. It's not.

Yeah. Emotional affairs are nonsense in my opinion. Sex has traditionally been the marker of an affair and it should continue to be so. There is nothing wrong if you asked that the friendship be conducted in a way that is open to scrutiny. That there are limitations on how much time is spent together, where, when and who should be present, is also reasonable. Telling a human being who they can have as a friend and accusing them unjustly is completely uncivilized and I have no nice words for the people who believe in this concept.

It is disgusting to me. That's it. Nothing more to say.

 

[Feelings]

[MENTION=3710]kiu[/MENTION] From what I gather, you're saying that there is such a thing as an emotional affair, but the notion is often used inappropriately for false accusations and possessiveness.

 

[not sure]

[MENTION=3710]kiu[/MENTION] From what I gather, you're saying that there is such a thing as an emotional affair, but the notion is often used inappropriately for false accusations and possessiveness.

You are correct.

However, it is not simply defined by a person having romantic feelings for someone outside of their committed relationship. Emotions come and they go. They are completely irrational.

The feelings need to be returned.

OR

In the case, where only one party has the feelings they need to be lasting or the person needs to have turned their heart away from their significant other.

Accusing people over fleeting feelings seems ridiculous to me. In any given day, I go through a whole range of ridiculous emotions. Only a few of them are of any real consequence. This is what it is to be human.

 

[Gaze]

@kiu I think one possibility is that your friends SO saw something in your relationship which she felt was missing from her relationship with him, so instead of finding out what needed to be worked on between them, she was unfortunately quick to hold you responsible.

Another thing to consider is your male friend maybe didn't consider how his behavior could be easily misinterpreted by her especially if he had a habit of not being entirely forthcoming about other things or hiding things from her. That would probably make anyone suspicious.

Sometimes, we're not aware of how our behavior appears to others, and how easy it is for one behavior to appear to have a meaning it doesn't. Remember, human behavior is dynamic. It's sometimes easy to misinterpret body language especially if we feel as if we're left out or someone is not being honest with us.

Your friend may not have considered how his interactions with you could be easily misunderstood and took it for granted that it was should or must have been obvious that it was clearly just a good friendship.

How she responded by blaming you was probably not the best way to handle it, but it was probably caused by the fact that her partner's behavior could have included some mixed signals. So, although you are being honest and genuine in seeing and treating the relationship as a friendship, he may not have been upfront or clear in his words AND actions, meaning, what he said to her about it vs. how he appeared to be.

This is not to justify anyone's paranoia about innocent and genuine friendships, but people sometimes don't think about how their interaction can be misinterpreted. They assume the truth is always obvious but the behavior and body language can be very easily misinterpreted and misunderstood.

I've been the "victim" (and i use that word reluctantly) of this as well. There are many people who are very good and creating a very personal connection with you, leading someone to believe that they see you differently than everyone else and are only emotionally intimate with you. It's only later that you realize that it's fake. It was a false sense of emotional intimacy and security.

And let's not forget those guys who use the claim "she's just a friend" to hide the fact that this so called friend is more than a friend. In any case, if i'm insecure about someone, I'd rather end the relationship wih them than to be made to look like a demanding partner who is expecting more than they can or want to give.

Just to add another perspective.

 

[not sure]

I cannot speak to how he was with his wife. I do not know or care. We were friends before she entered his life and what particularly bugs me is that when all his friends shunned her, I was open to her friendship. In a way, I felt she acted like a trojan horse.

Both his conduct and mine were always above reproach. We always tried to include her. I deliberately reduced contact with him to make her feel comfortable. Even an ocean between us meant nothing. I don't know what more I could have done.

I cannot say how he felt about me except that to my knowledge we had a friendship. I have knowledge of nothing more, real or implied. Quite frankly, his feelings are his business. How he acts is another. Once again, will matters. This implication that self-control is of no consequence annoys me. I especially am offended on behalf of men because the subtle idea is that they are mindless.

I believe she was all ready conditioned to be suspicious years before.

kiu I think one possibility is that your friends SO saw something in your relationship which she felt was missing from her relationship with him, so instead of finding out what needed to be worked on between them, she was unfortunately quick to hold you responsible.

Yes. I believe the thing she saw was trust but why should this be remarkable?

----------
Let us end this here. I believe my contribution to Odyne's question is made and other viewpoints should have room for airing. I would in fact like to see how anyone can draw an enforceable line on this concept beyond those I've mentioned.

 

[Gaze]

Yes. I believe the thing she saw was trust but why should this be remarkable?

What i mean is that her trust issues, which were probably not about you, was maybe based on her not having built a strong foundation of trust in her own relationship so she envied it. And i think although she was unnecessarily jealous, if she had experiences in the past where other partners were not trustworthy, then it would be understandable why she has difficult trusting him. And even if his feelings are not relevant to you, they would have to be relevant to her. So, if he was indicating in his behavior that he felt more for you and she noticed this, then i can see why she would feel the way she did.

So, in the end, it does come back to her. @kiu