Don't really know what to do. | INFJ Forum

Don't really know what to do.

Discussion in 'Science and Technology' started by Zero, Mar 14, 2009.

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  1. Zero

    Zero Regular Poster

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    I realize this isn't a counseling forum but I just don't know what else to do. With that in mind, read or don't up to you.

    I live in a house with 3 other guys, one of which is my brother. Now they're all considered good friends of mine, but it seems rare that there is any peace. I'm consistently surrounded by arguing or bitching in the morning by one of them, and seeing as how I work third shift it makes sleeping during the day very difficult.

    My brother and this friend are always yelling and getting into it over my brother's irresponsible behavior. My brother though I know is trying and is depressed from his girlfriend just leaving him. He's starting to drink too much.

    The worst thing about this is the one roommate is always trying to get me to take his side with the matter and "teach my brother" a lesson, aka punch him. I'm not a violent person and absolutely hate conflict. The roommate with the problem is always so overpowering and commanding when he talks to me.

    I don't know, it's really starting to get to me and make me feel hopeless. I'm sure in their eyes I'm just a pussy, but this is who I am and I'm not planning on changing. But at the same time I don't feel like there's anything I can do to stop a huge fight from breaking out. I would love to just move, but I not only don't have the money but I'd feel like I'm just abandoning it all.

    I go to school full-time and work third shift, and this leaves me rarely getting sleep. I don't know, things just keep building and it's starting to worry me.
     
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  2. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    Something will give soon. I don't know what to tell you really; it sounds difficult.
     
  3. chaotic_lion

    chaotic_lion Community Member

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    Umm, have you tried talking it over with your bro? He should understand where you're coming from, as I'm guesing he's known you all your life(unless you have different circumstances.) I think you should tell your overpowering "friend" to fuck off. Its cruel to not consider your situation, and to not try to help your brother, I mean, I don't know all the details, but your buddy sounds like an....ass(no offense.)
     
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  4. arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    It does sound like a complicated situation, but there might be options here. First off, how long have you all lived together? Perhaps it's time to find other places to live.

    Second, why are your friends upset with your brother, precisely? Is it because he's drinking too much, or is it because he's not paying his portion of the rent or he's trashing their stuff when he's intoxicated? If they're just acting upset to be upset then they need to be told they're not dad and you're not dad.

    Third, how long has your brother been drinking heavily? Is he in school? Does he work? Is he in danger of flunking out or losing his job? Is he using his girlfriend as an excuse to get drunk?

    All these things can change a situation. I know it's difficult now because you feel like you're in the center of it all. But sometimes it's good to take a step back and reflect on what's *really* going on - you know, the whole picture.
     
  5. Milon

    Milon Director of Glomps
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    Thought about asking them to respect you at all? I mean, the only time you get to sleep is when they're yelling - how's that fair to you? You pay money to have a place to sleep, and you're not getting it. That's really all I have to add. Arbygil once again has shown wisdom. ;)
     
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  6. OP
    Zero

    Zero Regular Poster

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    Lived with my brother and the not-mentioned roommate for almost a year. The one who bitches a bunch hasn't lived here too long. Obviously I lived with my brother the whole time before that with my mom.

    Everyone is paying their share of the bills. I suppose it is a question of respect as far as why they're being pissed off at him. He just acts very snide all the time, which I have talked to him about. His drinking seems to me to be motivated by his ex. He's not really in danger of losing his job as far as I know. He's getting a car soon, which I want to believe is a good thing as it will get him out of the house but with the way he's been acting with drinking I'm afraid he'll drive drunk and wreck another car.

    The hard thing for me is coming up with things to say. I step back for a moment to think about how the situation should be handled but rarely come up with any answers before more things start piling up.

    I've thought about finding other places to live, but this place is easily affordable and I only make minimum wage. I'm only dealing with all of this because I am trying to finish school.
     
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  7. Entyqua

    Entyqua Forgotten
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    I had a similar situation when i was younger...it got way out of hand when I ignored and and avoided the confrontation that was imminent. The situation blew up as in cops were called and fights broke out...Dont ignore it *(I lived with three guys and my bff) Its better to confront it now then risk blow up later.
     
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  8. arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    I'm with Enty on this, too - you don't want this to go on too long, or it'll explode on you. This might be time for you to make some decisions on what you want to do, rather than what's best for you and your brother. Ultimately it comes down to your life, not his. He is responsible for his own actions and you are responsible for yours. I know you care about him and you love him, but if it's a situation between you and him and this house situation is affecting your life and sleep patterns, then you have to start deciding what's best for *you.*

    I don't know everything that's going on in the house and I don't know what your roommates/housemates are like...but from what you've explained, it sounds like you're the one who needs the relief right now. You might need to find a new place.

    Even suggesting the idea of moving out might awaken your roommates and your brother, too. Right now everyone in the house is playing a role. If you change your role in this situation (i.e., how you act/react to everything), then the house situation must change, too.

    It comes down to a few questions: Are you willing to change? Are you willing to leave?

    Ultimately: What do *you* want to do?
     
  9. Zero Angel

    Zero Angel Permanent Fixture

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    Oh man I had this happen with my parents. I simply told them each, individually, and privately -- when I was not under pressure. That i'm not interested in taking sides in their conflict and that I care about both of them equally. This made it easier later on to resist the pressure to validate ones hostility towards another and take a more neutral standing.

    You could also let yourself get angry and tell them to 'shutthefuckup im trying to sleep'. They would probably be shocked and amazed at your show of guts -- enough to listen to you. Of course I don't know what your disposition and capabilities are so my advice may be totally useless -- I too can struggle with this -- and that's what works for me.
     
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