Toxic shame is what makes all relationships unhealthy, this is from advanced level psychology books and scholarly articles. You may not be able to relate, but it is only because your developmental level is low(no offense), about 3-10 years old. Although you behave like an adult, your emotional self is very young, I would say I am 17 to 20 even though I am much older, but this is after many years of working on myself and seeing a professional psychologist, not a psychiatrist. Im going to assume that you are the kind of person who thinks all psychologists are bad. The truth is that it is the psychologists emotional level that can possibly be bad, but their methods are effective anyways and that you dont want to be ok, you feel as though that is impossible and that you must stay not ok forever.
If you really think about it and analyze every situation you will see that the truth is; you think you are a not ok person.
Im sure YOU think that is not right, but according to what you said, this is the truth. If you have read what I have, you would see that I am just trying to help you out, but you dont want help, so you will either be offended and take this as an attack on your character or you will just brush it off and seek attention from everyone on the forum. If you can stop this attention seeking, you will get to do constructive things and actually work past this. Like I said, I was in your shoes before, this is the only reason I know, at least partially, whats going on.
If you can bring yourself to be open enough to believe me when I say you think you are not ok AND truly want to fix this behaviour there are 2 things you need to do, both are equally important:
1. Instead of telling yourself "I wish I could treat people better" say the following over and over for many months, many times a day:
I can treat people better
I want to treat people better
I will treat people better
Basically this is admitting to yourself that it is possible to do it, that it is not only possible but that you are capable of doing it, and then since you are capable you will put in serious effort. 50% of the battle is psychological and unconscious.
2. Write down the following and put it somewhere you will see everyday:
"I will analyze my interactions and fix my toxic behavior because I want to lead a healthy life."
You can add other things to that.
The truth is that you are not the only unhealthy person. I used to be as unhealthy as you, if not more so. I put in serious effort to fix my problems, and I am still not 100% fixed (far from it) but at least my interactions with people are much better. I was duped by a girl for a few weeks, who treated me like trash, and instead of saying bad words to her and insulting her, like I would have a long time ago, I wished her luck with her life, told her what I didnt like that she did, offered to help her with her emotional problems, and when she said no, I just left. If this was 10 years ago I probably would have put up with her controlling and masochistic behavior and just assumed that I was the problem. I would have told her that I think she is ugly and that she sucks at all the things she does. But now, instead of putting her down, I tried to just healthy shame her and show her what she did was bad. I hope she does fix herself, like everyone else on earth, she is special.
But like I said, you think you are not ok, and therefor think you are doomed to be like this forever. This is not true, and when you decide you want to fix this problem (could be 10 years from now, could be 40 years from now when you have kids and have screwed them up), instead of being on a forum seeking guidance from people who dont deal with this kind of thing every day, you will seek professional help just as all people who are now healthier have done. You may not believe this, but you are an ok person as long as you dont tell yourself you are not ok. I sincerely hope you fix this problem, it is a good thing for the people in this world to become healthier. And everyone has this not ok voice in their head, it is universal.