I do. I don't know why. It seems like it should be the opposite. That the more you're familiar or closer to someone, you would treat them better, but for some reason I treat strangers much more kindly than my mom or my siblings. The moment when I become "friends" with someone, I become an asshole. Well not really an asshole, but less helpful and less considerate. And then once they're gone for one reason or another(not for me being an asshole), I regret. I start to feel bad about all my assholish ways. If you can relate to this, why do you think this is the case? what is happening here?
Do you treat other people worse as you get emotionally close to them?
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You have unhealthy shame.
It is that simple.
The unhealthy shame makes you feel not ok. You feel like you are not ok. When someone treats you like you are ok, you think "This person is stupid"
When someone treats you badly you think "This person is smart and powerful because they see that I am not ok, I need to get close to this person"
So you will end up in relationships where people treat you terribly.
I would suggest reading the book "Healing the Shame that Binds You"
It is that simple.
The unhealthy shame makes you feel not ok. You feel like you are not ok. When someone treats you like you are ok, you think "This person is stupid"
When someone treats you badly you think "This person is smart and powerful because they see that I am not ok, I need to get close to this person"
So you will end up in relationships where people treat you terribly.
I would suggest reading the book "Healing the Shame that Binds You"
I think I treat people the same, whether I have known them for hours, or years. This doesn't mean that there are not problems.
I think expectations change as people get closer to me. When I don't adapt to increased expectations, people get frustrated.
I think expectations change as people get closer to me. When I don't adapt to increased expectations, people get frustrated.
I don't think its a worse treatment, per say, but more like you become more realistic because you know them, they know you, so you build expectations. I know I do, but never less compassionate or caring.
I'm nice to strangers, because in most cases, those interactions are temporary compared to those who I've selected as close friends (a very limited number).
I'm nice to strangers, because in most cases, those interactions are temporary compared to those who I've selected as close friends (a very limited number).
Sounds like you have an abusive personality to some extent.
Edit:
I'll elaborate - is it possible you are addicted to being in control of situations, and you like controlling people? Thus, the more people open up to you, the more information you have on them, including their weaknesses - and you will use their weaknesses in order to bind them to your will.
I try to do the opposite - be gentle with the weaknesses and encourage them to strengthen them, while usually focusing on my friend's strengths and enjoying together.
I used to have a 'friend' who is kinda like you in the sense of treating people worse the more he knew them.
He got kicked out of my life for good reasons
Recommendation : Introspection.
Edit:
I'll elaborate - is it possible you are addicted to being in control of situations, and you like controlling people? Thus, the more people open up to you, the more information you have on them, including their weaknesses - and you will use their weaknesses in order to bind them to your will.
I try to do the opposite - be gentle with the weaknesses and encourage them to strengthen them, while usually focusing on my friend's strengths and enjoying together.
I used to have a 'friend' who is kinda like you in the sense of treating people worse the more he knew them.
He got kicked out of my life for good reasons
Recommendation : Introspection.
I think the answer to your question is clear [MENTION=7513]Coin[/MENTION].
You are, in fact, an asshole.
Lol, I'm just having fun with you. On a serious note, I can relate to what you are talking about a bit. I have caught myself doing this with family and after I realize how I have acted, I feel so guilty and so ashamed of myself for talking to someone I care about like that. So why do it then?
Not sure but I have some suspicions. It may have something to do with the fact that we are comfortable with friends and family and we don't have to hold back the way we would with complete strangers. It seems that we may be taking our loved ones for granted to some extent. We know that they are always going to love us and endure our attitudes...good or bad (so we torture them, lol). It may cause an argument with a friend or family member who is willing to bite back and do a bit of verbal sparing with you, but at the end of the day, they will usually still be there because you have a bond. Whether it be blood or friendship, it's something that isn't there with a stranger. That doesn't make it right but I think that is part of why we do it.
Strangers are another story. They are only passerbys and we usually like to put our best face forward in these interactions because first impressions can last a lifetime. That's not a bad thing but it would be nice if we could extend the same courtesy to the ones we love and care about.
Personally, I try to be more conscious of the way I speak to my family when I am having a bad day or feeling down about something. When I am like this, I recognize the way I am feeling and really go out of my way to watch my words and actions. I love my family and I know that they deserve the best me....not some stranger. Just become conscious of what you are doing and try to correct it.
Acting this way doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human. You feel bad about it and that is a good thing. It means that you do care about them and their feelings enough to consider changing for the better and that is really nice
You are, in fact, an asshole.
Lol, I'm just having fun with you. On a serious note, I can relate to what you are talking about a bit. I have caught myself doing this with family and after I realize how I have acted, I feel so guilty and so ashamed of myself for talking to someone I care about like that. So why do it then?
Not sure but I have some suspicions. It may have something to do with the fact that we are comfortable with friends and family and we don't have to hold back the way we would with complete strangers. It seems that we may be taking our loved ones for granted to some extent. We know that they are always going to love us and endure our attitudes...good or bad (so we torture them, lol). It may cause an argument with a friend or family member who is willing to bite back and do a bit of verbal sparing with you, but at the end of the day, they will usually still be there because you have a bond. Whether it be blood or friendship, it's something that isn't there with a stranger. That doesn't make it right but I think that is part of why we do it.
Strangers are another story. They are only passerbys and we usually like to put our best face forward in these interactions because first impressions can last a lifetime. That's not a bad thing but it would be nice if we could extend the same courtesy to the ones we love and care about.
Personally, I try to be more conscious of the way I speak to my family when I am having a bad day or feeling down about something. When I am like this, I recognize the way I am feeling and really go out of my way to watch my words and actions. I love my family and I know that they deserve the best me....not some stranger. Just become conscious of what you are doing and try to correct it.
Acting this way doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human. You feel bad about it and that is a good thing. It means that you do care about them and their feelings enough to consider changing for the better and that is really nice
Makes sense. I wish I could treat people more equally.
Ah....I see.
Sounds like you have an abusive personality to some extent.
Edit:
I'll elaborate - is it possible you are addicted to being in control of situations, and you like controlling people? Thus, the more people open up to you, the more information you have on them, including their weaknesses - and you will use their weaknesses in order to bind them to your will.
I try to do the opposite - be gentle with the weaknesses and encourage them to strengthen them, while usually focusing on my friend's strengths and enjoying together.
I used to have a 'friend' who is kinda like you in the sense of treating people worse the more he knew them.
He got kicked out of my life for good reasons
Recommendation : Introspection.
Recommendation : Not getting too ahead of yourself.
I think the answer to your question is clear [MENTION=7513]Coin[/MENTION].
You are, in fact, an asshole.
Lol, I'm just having fun with you. On a serious note, I can relate to what you are talking about a bit. I have caught myself doing this with family and after I realize how I have acted, I feel so guilty and so ashamed of myself for talking to someone I care about like that. So why do it then?
Not sure but I have some suspicions. It may have something to do with the fact that we are comfortable with friends and family and we don't have to hold back the way we would with complete strangers. It seems that we may be taking our loved ones for granted to some extent. We know that they are always going to love us and endure our attitudes...good or bad (so we torture them, lol). It may cause an argument with a friend or family member who is willing to bite back and do a bit of verbal sparing with you, but at the end of the day, they will usually still be there because you have a bond. Whether it be blood or friendship, it's something that isn't there with a stranger. That doesn't make it right but I think that is part of why we do it.
Strangers are another story. They are only passerbys and we usually like to put our best face forward in these interactions because first impressions can last a lifetime. That's not a bad thing but it would be nice if we could extend the same courtesy to the ones we love and care about.
Personally, I try to be more conscious of the way I speak to my family when I am having a bad day or feeling down about something. When I am like this, I recognize the way I am feeling and really go out of my way to watch my words and actions. I love my family and I know that they deserve the best me....not some stranger. Just become conscious of what you are doing and try to correct it.
Acting this way doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human. You feel bad about it and that is a good thing. It means that you do care about them and their feelings enough to consider changing for the better and that is really nice
Aw, thanks. I really agree about always being nice to the people who are 'bonded' to you. It's such a hard thing to do. Yes, we're taking them for granted just because we already have a bond with them. That's not right. I guess all I can do is keep reminding myself...but its strange that I have to remind myself about this...
Toxic shame is what makes all relationships unhealthy, this is from advanced level psychology books and scholarly articles. You may not be able to relate, but it is only because your developmental level is low(no offense), about 3-10 years old. Although you behave like an adult, your emotional self is very young, I would say I am 17 to 20 even though I am much older, but this is after many years of working on myself and seeing a professional psychologist, not a psychiatrist. Im going to assume that you are the kind of person who thinks all psychologists are bad. The truth is that it is the psychologists emotional level that can possibly be bad, but their methods are effective anyways and that you dont want to be ok, you feel as though that is impossible and that you must stay not ok forever.
If you really think about it and analyze every situation you will see that the truth is; you think you are a not ok person.
Im sure YOU think that is not right, but according to what you said, this is the truth. If you have read what I have, you would see that I am just trying to help you out, but you dont want help, so you will either be offended and take this as an attack on your character or you will just brush it off and seek attention from everyone on the forum. If you can stop this attention seeking, you will get to do constructive things and actually work past this. Like I said, I was in your shoes before, this is the only reason I know, at least partially, whats going on.
If you can bring yourself to be open enough to believe me when I say you think you are not ok AND truly want to fix this behaviour there are 2 things you need to do, both are equally important:
1. Instead of telling yourself "I wish I could treat people better" say the following over and over for many months, many times a day:
I can treat people better
I want to treat people better
I will treat people better
Basically this is admitting to yourself that it is possible to do it, that it is not only possible but that you are capable of doing it, and then since you are capable you will put in serious effort. 50% of the battle is psychological and unconscious.
2. Write down the following and put it somewhere you will see everyday:
"I will analyze my interactions and fix my toxic behavior because I want to lead a healthy life."
You can add other things to that.
The truth is that you are not the only unhealthy person. I used to be as unhealthy as you, if not more so. I put in serious effort to fix my problems, and I am still not 100% fixed (far from it) but at least my interactions with people are much better. I was duped by a girl for a few weeks, who treated me like trash, and instead of saying bad words to her and insulting her, like I would have a long time ago, I wished her luck with her life, told her what I didnt like that she did, offered to help her with her emotional problems, and when she said no, I just left. If this was 10 years ago I probably would have put up with her controlling and masochistic behavior and just assumed that I was the problem. I would have told her that I think she is ugly and that she sucks at all the things she does. But now, instead of putting her down, I tried to just healthy shame her and show her what she did was bad. I hope she does fix herself, like everyone else on earth, she is special.
But like I said, you think you are not ok, and therefor think you are doomed to be like this forever. This is not true, and when you decide you want to fix this problem (could be 10 years from now, could be 40 years from now when you have kids and have screwed them up), instead of being on a forum seeking guidance from people who dont deal with this kind of thing every day, you will seek professional help just as all people who are now healthier have done. You may not believe this, but you are an ok person as long as you dont tell yourself you are not ok. I sincerely hope you fix this problem, it is a good thing for the people in this world to become healthier. And everyone has this not ok voice in their head, it is universal.
If you really think about it and analyze every situation you will see that the truth is; you think you are a not ok person.
Im sure YOU think that is not right, but according to what you said, this is the truth. If you have read what I have, you would see that I am just trying to help you out, but you dont want help, so you will either be offended and take this as an attack on your character or you will just brush it off and seek attention from everyone on the forum. If you can stop this attention seeking, you will get to do constructive things and actually work past this. Like I said, I was in your shoes before, this is the only reason I know, at least partially, whats going on.
If you can bring yourself to be open enough to believe me when I say you think you are not ok AND truly want to fix this behaviour there are 2 things you need to do, both are equally important:
1. Instead of telling yourself "I wish I could treat people better" say the following over and over for many months, many times a day:
I can treat people better
I want to treat people better
I will treat people better
Basically this is admitting to yourself that it is possible to do it, that it is not only possible but that you are capable of doing it, and then since you are capable you will put in serious effort. 50% of the battle is psychological and unconscious.
2. Write down the following and put it somewhere you will see everyday:
"I will analyze my interactions and fix my toxic behavior because I want to lead a healthy life."
You can add other things to that.
The truth is that you are not the only unhealthy person. I used to be as unhealthy as you, if not more so. I put in serious effort to fix my problems, and I am still not 100% fixed (far from it) but at least my interactions with people are much better. I was duped by a girl for a few weeks, who treated me like trash, and instead of saying bad words to her and insulting her, like I would have a long time ago, I wished her luck with her life, told her what I didnt like that she did, offered to help her with her emotional problems, and when she said no, I just left. If this was 10 years ago I probably would have put up with her controlling and masochistic behavior and just assumed that I was the problem. I would have told her that I think she is ugly and that she sucks at all the things she does. But now, instead of putting her down, I tried to just healthy shame her and show her what she did was bad. I hope she does fix herself, like everyone else on earth, she is special.
But like I said, you think you are not ok, and therefor think you are doomed to be like this forever. This is not true, and when you decide you want to fix this problem (could be 10 years from now, could be 40 years from now when you have kids and have screwed them up), instead of being on a forum seeking guidance from people who dont deal with this kind of thing every day, you will seek professional help just as all people who are now healthier have done. You may not believe this, but you are an ok person as long as you dont tell yourself you are not ok. I sincerely hope you fix this problem, it is a good thing for the people in this world to become healthier. And everyone has this not ok voice in their head, it is universal.
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Yes I really seem to treat people worse that I have known for a long time. I think part of its because I am not a happy person and I dont feel like I have to hide myself around those I am closest to. So I can go off about the latest happenings in politics and tell everyone who voted liberal how stupid they are. These same people I would do anything for but absent the smoke screen.
Very wise words. I would seriously check this post out if i were you, [MENTION=7513]Coin[/MENTION]
How do you recognize when someone is controlling and its not just you thinking they are controlling?
Ok....You're getting too ahead of yourself. This isn't a serious problem. Like I said, it isn't "asshole"-like, it's just less nice. I have normal relations with people including my family. It's just a random, social-related thought. I don't actually have a problem. Sheesh.
Same way you recognize when someone treats you bad and it's not just you thinking they are treating you bad.
You notice these things
I kinda can relate to this, although I woldn't say I treat people directly "worse", I'm just more honest and open with my feelings. I don't feel the need to sugar-coat my way of speaking my opinion to people who know me. I don't feel I need to use the ordinary shallow way of communicating.
Example: (turning down distant friend) "Oh no, I'm sorry, but not tonight! I'll make sure we'll see each other some other time!" (turning down close friend) "Fuck no that's boring as hell, count me out".
As for family... well, same there. Plus they are easily getting on my nerves, I don't always have the energy to sound like I woke up to this every morning.
Also, I'm a person who highly values my personal space. I don't like people getting too close, even if I like the person in question there's usually a limit. If I feel someone is getting too close to my comfort zone, I'll usually (more or less consciously) turn a bit more blunt, just to mark my distance (and to make sure they don't like me too much so they'll keep their distance. lol, screwed thought. but that's how it is).
For me, it doesn't get to the point where I treat people badly (I'd never do that), I just sometimes choose to omit expected niceness.
(on a slightly OT note; I find it hilarious how extremely pissed and/or uspet some people get just because they're not met with sugary talk. There's usually a huge underlying expectation of being handled with silk gloves whenever someone initiates some sort of communication, so that when stating pure fact as answer ("I find it boring", "I don't want to", "that is none of your business") they interpret it as an attack on their ego as soon as I omit the verbal gratefulness for their effort of speaking to me. Silly humans.)
Example: (turning down distant friend) "Oh no, I'm sorry, but not tonight! I'll make sure we'll see each other some other time!" (turning down close friend) "Fuck no that's boring as hell, count me out".
As for family... well, same there. Plus they are easily getting on my nerves, I don't always have the energy to sound like I woke up to this every morning.
Also, I'm a person who highly values my personal space. I don't like people getting too close, even if I like the person in question there's usually a limit. If I feel someone is getting too close to my comfort zone, I'll usually (more or less consciously) turn a bit more blunt, just to mark my distance (and to make sure they don't like me too much so they'll keep their distance. lol, screwed thought. but that's how it is).
For me, it doesn't get to the point where I treat people badly (I'd never do that), I just sometimes choose to omit expected niceness.
(on a slightly OT note; I find it hilarious how extremely pissed and/or uspet some people get just because they're not met with sugary talk. There's usually a huge underlying expectation of being handled with silk gloves whenever someone initiates some sort of communication, so that when stating pure fact as answer ("I find it boring", "I don't want to", "that is none of your business") they interpret it as an attack on their ego as soon as I omit the verbal gratefulness for their effort of speaking to me. Silly humans.)
This sounds like unbalanced behavior.
I treat people I know off the street similarly to my close friends, with warmth and kindness. Since I'm obviously closer with my friends, I do feel more comfortable to let loose and not filter myself with them. But this does not include deliberately putting them down, being passive-aggressive toward them, or making them feel less than they are. Also, when I'm closer to someone... I feel more at ease to express myself, even if it's negative.
I do have a very volcanic temper. It takes a lot for me to blow up... and when I do, I need awhile to simmer down. When I've been stressed in the past, I wouldn't think twice about yelling and screaming at someone. Still, none of it was deliberately or consciously done with the intent to tear someone I love down. I did it cause I was upset or pissed, and it's the way I expressed that. (Still doesn't mean it was a better way to express myself though.)
Therefore, I think the difference between unbalanced and balanced behavior is that the unbalanced person does an act with the intention TO hurt the person. Whereas, the balanced person may act out of anger, sadness, or pain BUT they can still recognize their behavior and take accountability for it. Also, if they have matured, they can recognize the root of the issue and be able talk about it (hopefully along with apologizing).
I treat people I know off the street similarly to my close friends, with warmth and kindness. Since I'm obviously closer with my friends, I do feel more comfortable to let loose and not filter myself with them. But this does not include deliberately putting them down, being passive-aggressive toward them, or making them feel less than they are. Also, when I'm closer to someone... I feel more at ease to express myself, even if it's negative.
I do have a very volcanic temper. It takes a lot for me to blow up... and when I do, I need awhile to simmer down. When I've been stressed in the past, I wouldn't think twice about yelling and screaming at someone. Still, none of it was deliberately or consciously done with the intent to tear someone I love down. I did it cause I was upset or pissed, and it's the way I expressed that. (Still doesn't mean it was a better way to express myself though.)
Therefore, I think the difference between unbalanced and balanced behavior is that the unbalanced person does an act with the intention TO hurt the person. Whereas, the balanced person may act out of anger, sadness, or pain BUT they can still recognize their behavior and take accountability for it. Also, if they have matured, they can recognize the root of the issue and be able talk about it (hopefully along with apologizing).
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