[INFJ] Do you put on a brave front?
- Thread starter Keirouen
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I always have a brave front on.
To my friends, family, to work.
Rarely to people know if I am deeply upset and in pain.
I'm typically bubbly, happy, and optimistic- always there to be helpful and cheer someone on. When I'm not like this, it's evident that something is wrong - so I tend to always be like this...also, I figure people would rather be around that type of person, than one who is down or depressed. So even if I am unhappy, I still try and be up.
To my friends, family, to work.
Rarely to people know if I am deeply upset and in pain.
I'm typically bubbly, happy, and optimistic- always there to be helpful and cheer someone on. When I'm not like this, it's evident that something is wrong - so I tend to always be like this...also, I figure people would rather be around that type of person, than one who is down or depressed. So even if I am unhappy, I still try and be up.
I usually have a front on. It's a protective encasing, and my guard is rarely down. I've been hurt by many people, so it's not easy for me to trust others unless they've given me a reason to. I'm a turtle with a pretty decorated shell.
But I also wouldn't consider myself a mushy person. Certainly I feel emotion deeply, but that doesn't equate to being mushy.
But I also wouldn't consider myself a mushy person. Certainly I feel emotion deeply, but that doesn't equate to being mushy.
Yes I do. Though I'm enneagram 6 and considered counterphobic (more than I'm phobic). I'll rage against the fear and even psychoanalyze myself to a bloody confusing mess I have to stop myself! lol!
In a social context I have a confident front I guess but I'm sooooo not confrontational unless I'm feeling backed in a corner. If it's with a partner or close friend I can tackle things head on. The more I love someone the more internal angst I'm in conflicted between tackling something I'm afraid of, and being afraid I'll lose the person I love if I do etc.
All in all, yes. I think I have courage. And I'll fake confidence but not necessarily intentional (I even convince myself at times). But it all depends on circumstances which can vary considerably!
In a social context I have a confident front I guess but I'm sooooo not confrontational unless I'm feeling backed in a corner. If it's with a partner or close friend I can tackle things head on. The more I love someone the more internal angst I'm in conflicted between tackling something I'm afraid of, and being afraid I'll lose the person I love if I do etc.
All in all, yes. I think I have courage. And I'll fake confidence but not necessarily intentional (I even convince myself at times). But it all depends on circumstances which can vary considerably!
I'm usually pretty open.
This has lead to hurt, and I have had many-years-long periods of constantly walking around with a stoic front, Today, however, I am pretty able to be 'my self' almost all of the time. When I get exhausted . . . I act exhausted.
Back in high school I went on a few month-long marathons of absolute silence around everyone except my family at dinner time; that was nuts.
This has lead to hurt, and I have had many-years-long periods of constantly walking around with a stoic front, Today, however, I am pretty able to be 'my self' almost all of the time. When I get exhausted . . . I act exhausted.
Back in high school I went on a few month-long marathons of absolute silence around everyone except my family at dinner time; that was nuts.
I don't give myself away to people who I don't know well or trust. I'm pretty socially awkward so putting on a brave front would be too exhausting, I probably just look little bit cold and distant. About bravery, to me even the smallest things can be scary so I have to be pretty brave everyday to survive. I'm afraid of the dark so every night I go to sleep I have to confront my fear. It's because I have such a vivid imagination. I'm 24 and I sleep with a teddy bear named Kurt. I have this imagination exercise where I think that Kurt is going to turn into a fierce fighter if something scary happens. Okay, I sound crazy but this is all true.
I can relate. I went through the same thing in high school. I still do the stoic act in certain contexts. Sometimes instead of putting up a front I withdraw.
That's really cute~ I love how imaginative you are but from what you're saying I can tell it's one of those "double edged sword" senarios.
I'm pretty much like you in most situations and come off as cold and distant. I feel dread about things that shouldn't even be that hard. Later on I'm like, "why did I feel so damn anxious about this?"
When in a bad mood and I'm not feeling really "social", I put on a impenetrable face, playing the "deep and cool" guy.
But that happens even more rare today, as I work in a enviroment where I have to be nice and open most of the tim, to which I'm deeply grateful, cause I can't spent all my life being socialy anxious or avoidant.
But that happens even more rare today, as I work in a enviroment where I have to be nice and open most of the tim, to which I'm deeply grateful, cause I can't spent all my life being socialy anxious or avoidant.
Nah, my courage and toughness are real.
That doesn't mean I don't get hurt, it just means I'll continue on if I do.
A front kind of implies deception, but for me this is more like armor. Yes it does conceal and misdirect to an extent, but this is due to actual function and not just superficial appearance.
That doesn't mean I don't get hurt, it just means I'll continue on if I do.
A front kind of implies deception, but for me this is more like armor. Yes it does conceal and misdirect to an extent, but this is due to actual function and not just superficial appearance.
That's one of the most awesome things I've read on this forum. And I can kind of relate.
The problem with putting on a brave front is the assumption that people can't see through what bullshit it is.
I went through years of anxiety and depression and thought that I was putting on a brave front. What that looked like was me being cold and distant and avoiding things I didn't feel like dealing with. It made me shut people out trying to protect myself and my "feeeeeeeeeeeelings." The funny and pathetic part about that is that through trying to be brave I completely isolated myself and my anxiety turned into full blown agoraphobia and I stopped leaving the house.
Listen. It's okay to have bad days, weeks or months. Don't waste your time trying to be a martyr for your own cause by shutting people out. You can't heal or be close to people if you're constantly trying to guard how sad and afraid you are. Guess what? Everyone has emotional weaknesses and sore spots. We all have challenges in our lives that can really bring us down. It doesn't matter what type you are or what situation you are in or if you're just going through yet another quarter life existential crisis (I think I had 10 of those). You owe it to yourself to not shut people out. Because by shutting people out you keep all of that toxicity inside yourself. Then it festers. It infects your whole being. You see the world through that "brave" (ie: WEAK) lens and people READ it.
Human beings are perceptive mother fuckers and if something is off with you they KNOW it. They may not know what it is or why. They may not even understand wtf your issue is even if you open up to them. But don't think that putting on a brave face actually makes you look brave or that people can't pick up on your inner turmoil because someone is ALWAYS going to pick up on it. The only thing you are doing by attempting to be brave is making those fears and those hurts worse for yourself.
Sorry, it's true.
I went through years of anxiety and depression and thought that I was putting on a brave front. What that looked like was me being cold and distant and avoiding things I didn't feel like dealing with. It made me shut people out trying to protect myself and my "feeeeeeeeeeeelings." The funny and pathetic part about that is that through trying to be brave I completely isolated myself and my anxiety turned into full blown agoraphobia and I stopped leaving the house.
Listen. It's okay to have bad days, weeks or months. Don't waste your time trying to be a martyr for your own cause by shutting people out. You can't heal or be close to people if you're constantly trying to guard how sad and afraid you are. Guess what? Everyone has emotional weaknesses and sore spots. We all have challenges in our lives that can really bring us down. It doesn't matter what type you are or what situation you are in or if you're just going through yet another quarter life existential crisis (I think I had 10 of those). You owe it to yourself to not shut people out. Because by shutting people out you keep all of that toxicity inside yourself. Then it festers. It infects your whole being. You see the world through that "brave" (ie: WEAK) lens and people READ it.
Human beings are perceptive mother fuckers and if something is off with you they KNOW it. They may not know what it is or why. They may not even understand wtf your issue is even if you open up to them. But don't think that putting on a brave face actually makes you look brave or that people can't pick up on your inner turmoil because someone is ALWAYS going to pick up on it. The only thing you are doing by attempting to be brave is making those fears and those hurts worse for yourself.
Sorry, it's true.
I am a whole lot more brave than I used to be. I employ a mantra when I start feeling scared of things that I probably should not be. Mostly just made up scenarios in my head that could "possibly" happen. You know what you do when you feel like that? "Give zero fucks"
If I am giving some fucks worrying myself over what people could be thinking of me if I do a thing that I love to do, I go for the mantra. Give zero fucks.
If I said something that offended someone, and my intentions were good and I know it, and we have discussed it, and they are still butthurt? Give zero fucks. Their loss. I am not going to not move on just because they aren't.
If you are afraid of something that threatens your mortality, then that is healthy fear. But all the other fear needs to gtfo. It does nothing but hold you back.
I still have my weak moments, but I always remind myself now when I feel it happening. Give zero fucks, Jill.
ETA: I figured I should actually answer the questions you asked in your OP.
Do you hide your warm and mushy side in certain social contexts?
Sometimes yes, and sometimes no. It depends on the crowd I am with. When I am with a group of open minded happy individuals, I will be totally real. But I can usually sense if someone is receptive to mushiness or not. If they aren't I won't push it on them. No point in wasted energy, etc.
What kind of front do you put up?
I would say that I just act like I don't care as much about what other people think of me. As time goes on, this act becomes more of a reality. On the inside I yearn for acceptance and to be acknowledged in some way. But I acknowledge this wanting as an unrealistic desire. I will get it from those who matter most at the end of the day, and to the people who don't give it, no hard feelings. It's completely selfish to expect people to fawn over you, or to expect the same kind of openness and kindness in return just because you gave it freely. It's like holding a gift over someones head. Be happy when you get it, but don't expect it ever. And love yourself.
If I am giving some fucks worrying myself over what people could be thinking of me if I do a thing that I love to do, I go for the mantra. Give zero fucks.
If I said something that offended someone, and my intentions were good and I know it, and we have discussed it, and they are still butthurt? Give zero fucks. Their loss. I am not going to not move on just because they aren't.
If you are afraid of something that threatens your mortality, then that is healthy fear. But all the other fear needs to gtfo. It does nothing but hold you back.
I still have my weak moments, but I always remind myself now when I feel it happening. Give zero fucks, Jill.
ETA: I figured I should actually answer the questions you asked in your OP.
Do you hide your warm and mushy side in certain social contexts?
Sometimes yes, and sometimes no. It depends on the crowd I am with. When I am with a group of open minded happy individuals, I will be totally real. But I can usually sense if someone is receptive to mushiness or not. If they aren't I won't push it on them. No point in wasted energy, etc.
What kind of front do you put up?
I would say that I just act like I don't care as much about what other people think of me. As time goes on, this act becomes more of a reality. On the inside I yearn for acceptance and to be acknowledged in some way. But I acknowledge this wanting as an unrealistic desire. I will get it from those who matter most at the end of the day, and to the people who don't give it, no hard feelings. It's completely selfish to expect people to fawn over you, or to expect the same kind of openness and kindness in return just because you gave it freely. It's like holding a gift over someones head. Be happy when you get it, but don't expect it ever. And love yourself.
To add on what I said, in the past I would have periods of great confidence in myself, even socially, I would just 'fly like a butterfly'. But that was more something like a enthusiasm, a emotional and psychological mood, that was never long lasting. After a certain period, I would turn to my "usual self", or even fall in a somehow depressive state.
It was a small trick I used often to make a good impression in certain situations when I felt i need to do it. That's how I got a job in a bank, until they kicked me out in two weeks when they figured out I wan't like that all the time..
After I realised that, I tried to make myself more stable, which is very hard. Because if I want to be a sociable aperson, I have to be like that ALL the time, not just when I feel good or when it comes or goes for me. I was in many situations where I would see someone I just met at a meeting a couple of days behind, and I just couldn't talk with the person, and just ignored him. And this can sometimes become really embarrasing and unpredictable.
So I think stability and a good balance is the key. This can be done with some discipline and some seriousness. Following your moods, checking them and trying to "adjust" the moods, to find the "mean", like Aristotle said. We INFJs have some serious moodiness (most of INFJs I know), with abrupt changes of disposition...sometimes very high, sometimes very low. And that's not good, and probably it never grows to anything, maybe just the degree of falls and ups, but if one wants to grow socially and in many other areas, I think stability is the key. Until now, it works for me. I work in a place where I couldn't believe I could work...customer service...that's quite something for a guy like me. I don't like the job (the job in itself is cool, but the idea of working a long time in such a place is not for me), I just want to prove myself that I can do it.
So its kind of like a rythm, and I have to keep that rythm, to work on it, to improve it, to stick to it, small and sure steps, until it becomes my second nature, like it is for many people, especialy for the so called "extroverts".
It was a small trick I used often to make a good impression in certain situations when I felt i need to do it. That's how I got a job in a bank, until they kicked me out in two weeks when they figured out I wan't like that all the time..
After I realised that, I tried to make myself more stable, which is very hard. Because if I want to be a sociable aperson, I have to be like that ALL the time, not just when I feel good or when it comes or goes for me. I was in many situations where I would see someone I just met at a meeting a couple of days behind, and I just couldn't talk with the person, and just ignored him. And this can sometimes become really embarrasing and unpredictable.
So I think stability and a good balance is the key. This can be done with some discipline and some seriousness. Following your moods, checking them and trying to "adjust" the moods, to find the "mean", like Aristotle said. We INFJs have some serious moodiness (most of INFJs I know), with abrupt changes of disposition...sometimes very high, sometimes very low. And that's not good, and probably it never grows to anything, maybe just the degree of falls and ups, but if one wants to grow socially and in many other areas, I think stability is the key. Until now, it works for me. I work in a place where I couldn't believe I could work...customer service...that's quite something for a guy like me. I don't like the job (the job in itself is cool, but the idea of working a long time in such a place is not for me), I just want to prove myself that I can do it.
So its kind of like a rythm, and I have to keep that rythm, to work on it, to improve it, to stick to it, small and sure steps, until it becomes my second nature, like it is for many people, especialy for the so called "extroverts".
No…I maybe used to do that to a certain extent…not being brave, but definitely putting on a mask that wasn’t me.
But just as some others here have mentioned, people begin to expect that person with the mask, not who you truly are, it can become exhausting.
I can honestly say that I don’t care in the slightest bit how I come off to people at work…I go to work, do my job professionally, maybe have a few conversations with some of the more interesting people there and come home. I don’t make work a social activity like some people do…I don’t go to bar-b-ques or out for drinks with my co-workers, nor do I go play poker no matter how many times I have been invited. Part of why I don’t is because I don’t drink and most of those are just excuses for people to get drunk and act like fools…but I honestly just don’t enjoy those types of activities, so I’m not going to pretend like I do.
If that limits my friend base, then so be it.
But just as some others here have mentioned, people begin to expect that person with the mask, not who you truly are, it can become exhausting.
I can honestly say that I don’t care in the slightest bit how I come off to people at work…I go to work, do my job professionally, maybe have a few conversations with some of the more interesting people there and come home. I don’t make work a social activity like some people do…I don’t go to bar-b-ques or out for drinks with my co-workers, nor do I go play poker no matter how many times I have been invited. Part of why I don’t is because I don’t drink and most of those are just excuses for people to get drunk and act like fools…but I honestly just don’t enjoy those types of activities, so I’m not going to pretend like I do.
If that limits my friend base, then so be it.
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A question for the OP….why do you feel you must act in a way that is not true to who you are?
Shakespeare had it right when he said “To thine own self be true.”
You will ultimately, in my experience, save yourself pain and grief that was unnecessary.
There will ALWAYS be people who like you and those who don’t…if someone doesn’t wish to get to know me, or dislikes me, then I am not going to waste my time trying to appease them.
Be who you truly are…even if that means you only have one good friend…at least you will be living in an honest way, and that ONE friendship will be far superior to 50 fake ones.
Shakespeare had it right when he said “To thine own self be true.”
You will ultimately, in my experience, save yourself pain and grief that was unnecessary.
There will ALWAYS be people who like you and those who don’t…if someone doesn’t wish to get to know me, or dislikes me, then I am not going to waste my time trying to appease them.
Be who you truly are…even if that means you only have one good friend…at least you will be living in an honest way, and that ONE friendship will be far superior to 50 fake ones.