Do you expect too much or too little? | INFJ Forum

Do you expect too much or too little?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Gaze, Oct 28, 2009.

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  1. Gaze

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    Do you expect too much or too little in life or relationships?

    How do you find the right balance?

    When should you have the right to expect more, and when should you be satisfied with less?
     
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    #1 Gaze, Oct 28, 2009
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2009
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  2. gloomy-optimist

    gloomy-optimist Used to live here

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    I don't know what I expect anymore. I don't think I expect too much -- I just expect a person to care and to be able to be happy.

    For some reason, though, those expectations can seem high for some people. I just don't know anymore :/
     
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  3. NeverAmI

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    In my past relationships, I wouldn't quite say that I expected to much. My expectations are usually fair. 3 of my 4 past relationships I have ended. Out of those 3 women, only 1 was potentially right for me, and that was my first girlfriend. She is the only woman I have lost contact with and I have wanted to apologize to her for a long time for the way I handled the relationship. My expectations of her were too high.

    My final relationship broke my heart, but I just came out of an incredibly manipulative relationship so I don't blame her for getting sick of me quickly. She was also not the right woman for me. That was shortly after September 11th 2001.

    I have high expectations, because of that, there are very few women that are right for me. However, I believe I am grounded enough to realize when my expectations are unrealistic. The pain of knowing that I hurt someone so badly without justification, my first love, always reminds me of this.
     
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    #3 NeverAmI, Oct 28, 2009
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  4. SuchKnowledgeIs

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    I think that I expect too much both of other people and in some ways of myself. I guess I am prone to being too idealistic.
     
  5. SuchKnowledgeIs

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    Hey I know that feeling!
     
  6. OP
    Gaze

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    I think usually when we head into a relationship, we believe the expectations are realistic, but then we learn along the way that some of these may be too much, or maybe we're asking for too little. Sometimes, we're not aware of what's realistic and what's not. It's something we tend to learn along the way. Unfortunately, sometimes we learn it a little too late, but at least we've learned. Best we can do is learn, correct it if we can, and then move (not necessarily in that order). Of course, it's not really that simple, but it's a learning process nonetheless.
     
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  7. NeverAmI

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    I pray I am strong enough to learn from my past. I have not always been as dedicated to others as I am now, I will have to recognize warning signs of reverting back to that person I once was.
     
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  8. OP
    Gaze

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    I don't know your situation or what has happened in your life to his point, but you sound a bit hard on yourself. Keep in mind, that you are a different person today, and although it may still be a struggle, learn what you need to learn from the past, but look forward. The past can be a major obstacle to peace if you let it.

    Beware of the signs but don't let the past define you (easier said than done). This is maybe the point where you set the past aside, and think about what the future will be like. Don't focus on what you were, but what you are today.

    Own today, it's yours baby! :m206:
     
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    #8 Gaze, Oct 28, 2009
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2009
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  9. NeverAmI

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    Excellent advice, thank you. :)
     
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  10. Solongo

    Solongo Well-known member

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    Do you expect too much or too little in life or relationships?

    Too much. As a result i create unnecessary uneasiness in my relationship. But it seems to manifest the most when I am feeling needy. I don't know what is worse,my own expectations or expectations I have for others.

    How do you find the right balance?

    It's hard. You have to have something that ground you to reality. Oftentimes it is a bittersweet compromise with yourself and your ideals for others in your life. But balance must be maintained to move forward. I broke up with a really great guy because I expected soo much.:mtap:

    When should you have the right to expect more, and when should you be satisfied with less?

    You have to think very simple about your needs/wants and what you will not accept. In a relationship; i demand a lot of respect, responsibility, care, honesty and fidelity. Many men can't live up to these simple things. I don't tolerate any BS:m031: in my relationships. I am satisfied with less if I think the person sees their issues and attempts to work on it or at least aware of how it affects our relationship, thus I like helping them as well.

    In Life i try the hardest to not settle for less at any circumstances. of course that excludes shallow things.:m168:
     
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    #10 Solongo, Oct 28, 2009
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  11. Grey Wolf

    Grey Wolf Airborne all the way!

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    honestly, now, after my pass few attempts, I have none anymore. The only thing I expect is to be let done.
     
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  12. OP
    Gaze

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    I think I expect way too much of myself. I'm hardly able to meet the expectations of myself or anyone very well, because I set the standards too high. I quite easily disappoint, and I always feel guilty when I do. This leads to an unwillingness to try again, because then I think, what's the use. Even with all my good intentions, I tend to think, that I still won't accomplish the goals I've set, because someone's evaluation of me will be based on what they see, not what I intend. What is hard work for some, is never good enough for someone else. They'll assume the worst if they don't see action, but they don't see the stress someone may put themselves under emotionally to live up to expectations, or how they feel when they don't. Not to sound naive, because we are judged based on our actions, but sometimes actions don't really reflect how much stress and distress we experience when we feel that desire to achieve and be almost perfect.
     
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    #12 Gaze, Oct 28, 2009
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2009
  13. Roger

    Roger ...

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    I believe we should not expect anything from anyone. Expectations make us feeling bad. Really. But yes, at some level you can expect something only from right people. Otherwise avoid that thing.
     
  14. slant

    slant Ruboobie

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    I don't know. Really all I want is trust and communication. Beyond that, if personalties mesh well, I think a partnership could work for me. I don't think I have a requirement list, although I will say this:

    my standards can be counted as high considering I expect a really difficult and painful thing for most people: I don't want to have to get all sexually involved.

    That's a must for most people, hence why I'm still looking.
     
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  15. bs98r3kjf

    bs98r3kjf Well-known member

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    Do you expect too much or too little in life or relationships?

    When it comes to life, I hope for the best but I'm also ready to expect the worst.

    How do you find the right balance?

    I guess you I sort of try to realize that being grateful is the key. Also, I believe that life is 10% what happens and 90% how you deal with it. So I guess that helps achieve that balance when it comes to expectations.


    When should you have the right to expect more, and when should you be satisfied with less?

    I think I should have the right to expect more when it comes to choosing a significant other. I think I should be satisfied with less when it comes to life in general.
     
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  16. NeverAmI

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    I read a GREAT book about 10 years ago that discussed how expectations rule your life. EVERYTHING in your attitude and perception is based on your expecations of the world. That book helped me a lot..

    I will try to find the title of it and let you know...
     
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  17. NeverAmI

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    Brilliant words. Listen to her folks.
     
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  18. laurie

    laurie Snowblind in Dreamland

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    Do you expect too much or too little in life or relationships?
    Usually, I expect too much of people but not enough of situations.... I need to balance that out at some point ^^"

    How do you find the right balance?

    Uhm, I guess I just get very conscious of what I'm expecting and think 'No, it probably will be better/worse that I think, realistically.' , I try to be as realistic as I can when it comes to expectations. Not that that works often :(

    When should you have the right to expect more, and when should you be satisfied with less?
    I think you should expect more of people you know can achieve it, even if they're too lazy to. It makes you try to push them more so they get where they want to go. But then of cours, there's the argument that you should just stay out of their lives, right? I'd prefer to be hated/resented by people and have helped them be happy than to have left them to suffer for their own inaction later on, I think.
    I think you should be satisfied with less only when you've given it your all for as long as you can (not until you die or until someone else dies/gets hurt though, within reason) and nothing has come of it. If you're just running two steps forward then two steps back, it's a waste of energy and time.
    I guess I'm pretty realistic about that kind of thing as well... but then, I'm pretty determined, so I do set unrealistic goals for myself occasionally (and example being when I aimed to do course work, learn bass guitar, learn Japanese, write a story and draw a comic in the space of 8 weeks as well as having a part time job. It did not go well.).
     
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  19. sassafras

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    Yup, that's me. Except I got off the treadmill completely for five years, scared the bejeezus out of myself, and jumped back on.

    Still haven't lowered my standards, though.


    Hmm. You suddenly switched the bulk of your post from your own expectations to living up to someone else's and how they perceive you. Forgive the clinical questioning, but do you feel validation comes from outside or inside of the person? Which do you feel has more weight?

    I get the feeling that there is a discrepancy between what you expect of yourself and what you subconsciously believe about yourself. I'm asking, because I have this very same issue.
     
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  20. ]L%;Zwnj

    ]L%;Zwnj Regular Poster

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    This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. It turns out, I expect a lot! I have always thought of myself as accepting of everyone, but then I realized, I only pursue certain types of men (or in other words, I only see there being a chance with certain types and don't really try as hard to make other relationships work). Anyway, I expect that the guy I'm with be logical (someone I can depend on to keep me from getting too emotional), like to go out and do things (bring out the extroverted side of me), be able to make me laugh, be a good person with similar morals, genuinely care about me, be relaxed (in order to keep me at low stress levels), be confident, know who they are/what they stand for, and be a good listener who values my opinion. Basically, an ENTP. If he doesn't have these qualities... well, I don't really expect it to work, and I'm not really happy in the relationship. I refuse to settle for less than what will make me happy. Is that a bad thing...? I expect a lot out of myself in a relationship... I usually feel inadequate and like I am lucky to have them. If I think the relationship will go somewhere, I give it my all and I am very loyal.

    Balance? Basically, because I expect a heck of a lot out of myself and feel like I'm never good enough, the way I get balance is making myself relax and believe that I am good enough for them. BEFORE a relationship when I'm dating different guys, I find balance by trying not to judge guys before I know what they are like, and trying to be open-minded in visualizing possibilities of a relationship with them.

    I think as long as both me and my guy are giving our all and our personalities match up, we should be satisfied with the relationship. We can grow together and become even better for each other as we do so.
     
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