Disliking a Person | INFJ Forum

Disliking a Person

Julia

Julia

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Apr 21, 2009
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A part of me feels badly for starting a potentially negative thread, but I have been stepping back and analyzing this currently. It is somewhat rare that I actually "dislike" a person. There are people I will tend to avoid because they wear me down, or people I don't trust, but generally I will like other people.

There are currently a couple of people I dislike irl, and in one way I feel badly about it, but am also just wondering about the fairness of feeling this way. In some cases it is "justified". I suppose it is healthy to sometimes dislike people, but I wonder in what ways is it constructive? Is there an honest way to get past it? Does it more often just erode personal happiness for no helpful end? Or is it important?
 
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I dislike a few person for not who they are, just how they mesh with me.

For example, there is a certain type of guy who values maculinity and toughness and will put down other guys [thinking they are superior to the other guys] for not being masculine enough. It makes the guys around this type of guy feel like they have to compete with him to prove their masculinity. I don't like those kind of guys, because for some reason I feel the need to compete with them too to prove my masculinity, and I'm not even a dude. I've asked females about this and apparently they feel no need to compete with these guys. What is up with that?!

Now that I think about it, most of the people I don't like is because I feel they are more dominant than I am and I need to eliminate them. This doesn't happen as often with females, but when I do meet a female who's rather masculine and domineering, my fist just wants to pound.
 
I think it depends. Disliking a person is a bit different from hating them completely, or disliking a particular quality, action, or characteristic.

Sometimes, it simply that you're so different, it becomes difficult to get along simply because of differences in personality, not necessarily anything they've done.

So, first pinpoint why you dislike them, and if the dislike is localized then you can live with it to an extent and it won't affect your spirit.

Fact is, we don't have to like or get along with everyone. But i understand that it is harder for some than for others. For example, i may like a particular characteristics or qualities in a group that i regularly interact with, but i still for some reason want them to have a good impression of me, so then i become concerned about how i can improve their perception of me, so that i appear more acceptable, making it less uncomfortable for me to interact with them since i would need to have regular contact with them professionally, etc.
 
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I don't dislike others, but I'd rather not be around most of them. I think it's because most people really just don't get who I am. Some people think I'm weird, or are confused by my outlook on things. Therefore, I'd rather spend my time with people who can relate to me. This makes it seem very much like I dislike others. I will turn it around and say that maybe other people don't like me! HA.
 
Julia said:
There are currently a couple of people I dislike irl, and in one way I feel badly about it, but am also just wondering about the fairness of feeling this way. In some cases it is "justified". I suppose it is healthy to sometimes dislike people, but I wonder in what ways is it constructive? Is there an honest way to get past it? Does it more often just erode personal happiness for no helpful end? Or is it important?
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I think, i can relate to this a lot. But i think, here we should letting go off things. Don't get attached with them. People avoids anyone for two reasons i think:
1. When they are attached, they think he/she is dependent on them
2. When they are overwhelming

and third reason, they avoid people for no reason. But julia, it is just meaningless to feel bad for them, when anyone is trying to avoid you. Don't give response to it, i said you because if you pay response to their avoidance behavior, they will give you back more.
 
It's okay to dislike people from time to time. It's only natural and human, as there is so much variety amongst people, and not all of that is compatible with who we are - some of it is even directly opposed to who we are. I don't think you're being negative. You're just noticing what's there. It becomes more complicated when we try to impose a scale on this - such as fairness, because nothing ever quite fits neatly into that - what we think of as fair will not be fair to everyone else, or indeed anyone else in quite the same way as we understand it, but that doesn't mean those feelings aren't valid either. They're a part of you, now, and a reflection of where you are in life at this moment. In the future you might look back and reassess your interactions with these people and your feelings about them, but for now you're doing the best you can and acknowledging your feelings, which is a good thing.
 
I dislike many people and don't really see anything wrong with that, not everyone can get along with every other person they come across.
Now my sister however... I want to mash her face into a brick wall. :mjedir:
 
I think if you can learn to get along with people you dislike, you will go far in life. Take it as a challenge to overcome, with valuable rewards.
 
Skoffin said:
I dislike many people and don't really see anything wrong with that, not everyone can get along with every other person they come across.
Now my sister however... I want to mash her face into a brick wall. :mjedir:
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I have a sister like that too, but I would rather ram her head into a wood chipper.

As for disliking people, well we all have our reasons and preferences and there's nothing wrong with that. It's how you behave towards them that matters rather than how you feel about them.
Hence my sister still has her face, but I'll be keeping the fantasy:m198:
 
Helpful Elf said:
It's okay to dislike people from time to time. It's only natural and human, as there is so much variety amongst people, and not all of that is compatible with who we are - some of it is even directly opposed to who we are. I don't think you're being negative. You're just noticing what's there. It becomes more complicated when we try to impose a scale on this - such as fairness, because nothing ever quite fits neatly into that - what we think of as fair will not be fair to everyone else, or indeed anyone else in quite the same way as we understand it, but that doesn't mean those feelings aren't valid either. They're a part of you, now, and a reflection of where you are in life at this moment. In the future you might look back and reassess your interactions with these people and your feelings about them, but for now you're doing the best you can and acknowledging your feelings, which is a good thing.
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Great points.
 
I'm strange in the fact that if I initially dislike someone, I try my best to befriend them. Maybe just to figure out why I dislike them or see if I'm wrong to dislike them? I need to switch tactics because this has only worked out in my favor once. I don't know,I'm normally too apathetic to dislike people. I might dislike aspects of their personality, but that's as far as it goes.
 
It takes a lot for me to actually dislike someone as a person. I'm pretty languid in my ways and I adapt to most personalities fairly well. At best, I'll find things that are irritating or that I don't necessarily admire, but yeah, that's about as far as I go in the caustic department.

I have had instances, however, where I just met someone and they rubbed me the wrong way.... and I have no idea why. I'll give that person the benefit of a doubt, but I'll be on my guard anyhow. I generally trust my gut when it comes to things like this.
 
I ended up deleting details about a particular case with a lady at work who betrayed my trust about a year ago, but fortunately moved away the next week. She is back, and I'm congenial to her. I think in her own way she might be sincere in her friendliness towards me and asking how I am. I will never let her know any slight vulnerability in my life, but report only sunshine and roses. I had someone at work behave in a threatening way towards me a year ago while I was living alone, and out of the blue she attacked me saying that my life was easy and I encounter one minuscule problem and get all upset. She was incorrect on many levels which I don't need to go into here. She knows absolutely nothing about my life. Besides the threat of his personal fixation on me, it turned out that the person had not paid the school, and it was because she hadn't contacted the agency that was going to pay for him. She wanted me to lose my own pay over it, which goes against my contract. She also wanted to keep me involved with him to keep him involved with the school to help insure his payment.

I don't like feeling like a fake. I am able to be polite and not indulge negativity, and usually I can be honest and open in that behavior. Right now I behave politely and my actions towards her will align with that, but inside I don't like her at all. I don't like to see her, and I don't even like her face. She was initially one of my favorite people there because she comes across as kind, but the shock of her betrayal and the resulting distrust is surprisingly hard to resolve. I mostly avoid the office when she is working.

Edit: I see the pragmatism of not trusting someone who breaks trust, but am not certain the usefulness of outright dislike. It's main benefit I can see is as a motivator to maintain distrust, but besides that I think it just hurts my heart.
 
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Julia said:
A part of me feels badly for starting a potentially negative thread, but I have been stepping back and analyzing this currently. It is somewhat rare that I actually "dislike" a person. There are people I will tend to avoid because they wear me down, or people I don't trust, but generally I will like other people.
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I too very rarely dislike people (as far as I am consciously aware) and any dislike that I may feel is not usually permanent and it is more that I do not like some aspect(s) of the person rather than the whole person. It is my opinion that XNFJs are not hyper aware of their feelings for most people, Ni/Fe needs a certain kind of detachment to function and get at the motivations of people rather than at personal feelings towards them.

XNFJs do not seem to have the high awareness of personal internal preferences and feelings like Fi types have. Liking/not liking people seems very important to XXFPs and Fi types always know very clearly who they like and dislike (not just some aspect of them). If a person consistently knows more or less without even thought, questioning of the self or reflection exactly and clearly who they dislike and like and that judgement stays generally solid and non dynamic and foremost in their mind then they are more likely an XXFP type rather than and XXFJ IMO.
 
Julia, I feel for you. I really don't like disliking people either. It's a thorn in the side and is irksome. When I find myself disliking someone for whatever reason I try to be professional, courteous and well mannered but I do not answer any personal questions about me or my family and I try to keep strong boundaries in place and be firm in creating a wide personal space. It's just the time it takes to put it all into place is draining.

I worked at an old folks home once and there were residents that I just did not like. There was no real reason but it was just gut instinct. At first it bothered me and I was disappointed in myself but I got used to it. I did the best job I could for those people but made no connection. It was liberating to realise how much control I really do have.
 
With certain people sometimes the best way to be a peacemaker is to simply get away from them and let them do their thing.
 
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has anyone disliked anyone from the first moment they saw them ?



this has happened to me just a few times.

but once in particular. it was my teacher several years ago. i just got a very awful feeling about her even though she smiled and talked nicely in my interview. in the end i realised i should have stayed away from joining her class. i see her as a person who means well but is definitely not someone i should be around at all. person to avoid at all costs.
 
I know, I feel bad for not liking people either.
 
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