Difficulties with male friendships | INFJ Forum

Difficulties with male friendships

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by slant, Jun 2, 2009.

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  1. slant

    slant Sedated slanty

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    So, I have both male and female friends of about an equal number. The problem I've encountered is that if I ever want to be buddy-buddy with a male friend, complications occur.

    For example, A male ESFP friend that I have constantly talks about sex. So I reffered to some books that had sex positions as well as advice on that area and personally administered some advice on how to attract the opposite sex that my female friends are always talking about. When I mentioned these things, he told me I was

    'acting funny'

    When I asked why, he responded

    'You seem like you're hitting on me'.

    But that wasn't the intention, which I made clear to him and every male or female friend I have at the start of a friendship. I pointed out that if a mutal male friend we had named Colby told him the same thing, he wouldn't have responded like that. He saw the correlation and apologized.

    Every time I talk to male friends, something like this happens, regardless of my advice telling them to 'treat me like a guy'. The logistics of that is if they are heterosexual males they would have no sexual tension with other heterosexual males. I do encounter a problem telling this to bisexual males, however. With females I do not receive the same sort of problem. Usually what will happen is that they will act shocked or appalled by the advice that is sexual in nature, because I have observed that the female gender does not seem to fixate on it as much as the male gender does.

    How can I solve this problem?
     
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    #1 slant, Jun 2, 2009
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2009
  2. Tamagochi

    Tamagochi Sushi Destroyer
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    If a girl told me to treat her as a guy - that would be a real mind-f**k for me. Don't do that. Men and women perceive things differently, especially everything regarding sex. It makes no sense to pretend otherwise.

    In a case you have mentioned it can be as simple explanation as this: you're a girl and you talk about sex - that's enough for a male brain to get a positive signal from you before the meaning of your words even reaches the conscious mind. Just remember, there have been millions years of evolution to this response - it has nothing to do with pigs ;)
     
  3. OP
    slant

    slant Sedated slanty

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    Explain this 'mindf**k'.
    All men and women talk about sex, it is unavoidable.
    I would like to eliminate the response that is given when I behave in this way. How can I do so? It seems only logical to discuss sex when that is all most males would like to talk about, especially in teen years. If I cannot relate to them by joining in on discussions about sex to enduce a phase of male bonding, then how am I supposed to interact with males in a way that I am no perceieved as prey? Commenting on the projected 'hotness' of other females seems to help ease this, but it does not dissolve it completely.
     
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  4. Eric86

    Eric86 Community Member

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    Maybe find some guys who want to talk about other things? I dunno...that just seems rather odd to me, but then again, sex isn't something I talk about very often, and only then with a select few people (usually where I'm just educating them about something).
     
    #4 Eric86, Jun 2, 2009
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2009
  5. OP
    slant

    slant Sedated slanty

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    I don't seek friendship, nor if I did would I seek it with any particular gender. I am looking for a way to better maintain current friendships, I will not be replacing these assets but thank you for the advice.
     
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  6. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    Yeah... We'll treat you as one of the guys until you start talking about sex. That's when we start to line you up as a possible sexual partner. Often we don't know about it until the fantasy is already underway.
     
  7. WhiteWolf

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    I think it depends on the situation.
    Me and 2 friends talked with a girl about sex a couple of weeks ago.
    She had loads of questions and was very curious to get a males perspective on things.
    I think that the fact that she has a boyfriend, and we know that she is very open about everything, changes the way this is interpreted by me and my friends, we don't see her as "prey" or anything.
    Even if she didn't have a boyfriend I would not jump to the conclusion that she was hitting on us.

    Note: this was in a "group" situation, this might be why they think you are hitting on them, if you are talking with them in private about this.

    anyway... my 2 cents :)
     
  8. OP
    slant

    slant Sedated slanty

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    I could see how this might be interpreted, but these are not questions that I offer it is advice. I see it as I see any situation:

    a friend has a hobby, I give advice on how to better their hobby.

    Well, my male's friend hobby is sex. I give them advice but apparently it is not taken as such. I am confused.
     
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  9. Tamagochi

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    because... if a girl sitting next to me commented on another girl as being hot as an attempt to connect with me, the fact that she herself is a girl takes precedence before her message. It's automatic. I might think something like "is she a lesbian" (wow, that's cool Beavis...), "is she comparing herself?", "is she hitting on me?". Why would I want to evaluate other girls when I got one sitting right here and talking to me in the first place?

    If you explain all this before talking about sex, then maybe it would be possible to just talk.
     
  10. OP
    slant

    slant Sedated slanty

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    I do explain all of this before talking about sex.
     
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  11. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    Maybe he just really really wants you.
     
  12. Lune Froide

    Lune Froide Community Member

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    Then what advice (not that I really believe in the term 'advice) are you asking for from us? It sounds like you're functioning on a different plane of thinking than the majority of your friends. The best you can do is continue to explain yourself in a clear manner because...

    That shows me you're not the sort of person to be misunderstood/misinterpreted for very long.
     
  13. OP
    slant

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    In fact, to add to this, sex is normally not a subject I talk about or have in any interest in. The reason I discuss sex with my male friends is not out of my own desire to do so; they have expressed an interest in sex and seem to respond well to the subjects over other things, such as politics or science.
    I would doubt that he really, really, wants me because I have explained my sexuality. He has also made remarks that suggest a 'combination' of several females we both know would make a perfect woman. His focus seems to be on other females, I am just confused as to why my words are taken wrong when I have been adequate at explaining myself.
     
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  14. Bored Now

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    Wishful thinking on your male friends part. He'll get over it.

    Ugh so are you male type people saying that when I talk about sex with my males friends they think I want to sleep with them? Because I don't. I just think its funny for the most part. You could ask me almost anything and i'd be just as candid.

    And when I say a girl is f'n hot, it just means I think the girl is hot. I appreciate and admire beauty.
     
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  15. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    Even if you tell guys to treat you like one of the guys and you talk to them about those kinds of things, they are still going to be inclined to treat you like a girl.

    I can see why guys might assume you're hitting on them. If you are talking about sex, it is a simple assumption to assume you are interested in it. Why do you think guys talk about sex? And if you are a girl, people tend to assume you are heterosexual. So why not guess that you might be interested in the guy who are talking to?

    Now, I know that isn't the case, but people usually don't talk about things they don't have some personal connection to or interest in. For example, we don't usually talk about food unless we are hungry or something.

    Also, as a guy, I tend to assume that girls who talk about sex are very sexual while girls who never talk about it are asexual or whatever. I know that isn't necessarily the case, and you are an uncommon exception to the rule slant, but in general it usually applies.
     
  16. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    They think you want to sleep with someone, and they might be willing to be that person.






    Ladies, you should not talk about sex with men unless you are interested. Why? It is rude. It is like talking about food with a hungry person. No, you don't have any kind of social or otherwise obligation to them in the same way you don't have any kind of obligation to feed a hungry person, and don't think I would imply such a horrible thing. But can you see why it is rude? You are being foolish if you get their minds revved up and then expect them to be chaste and candid. Find another way to relate if that is what you want.
     
  17. Zero Angel

    Zero Angel Permanent Fixture

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    From my experience sometimes a person will talk about sex as a way of dropping hints that they might be sexually interested in you without being overly direct. It's probably the best ice breaker to a sexual relationship with that person.
     
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  18. OP
    slant

    slant Sedated slanty

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    Hmm...I dislike these social obstacles. Damnit.
     
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  19. Zero Angel

    Zero Angel Permanent Fixture

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    Curse social ambiguity, curse it to hell.
     
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  20. Bored Now

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    Well there goes all of my friendships then. People are too tricky and I'm done with the whole lot of you. * blows a raspberry and goes off to live in a cave*
     
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