Dear Prince Shai Gar (June 1999, I hope),
I'm your older self, from 2009. Yes, I still haven't been murdered, that guy from msn was an idiot. Heh. Treasure him though, he's the first of many MANY death threats. They never cease being awesome. Oh right, proof. You still haven't told anyone yet, but when you fantasize about meeting future you, there's always an epic fight where future you counters all your attacks and knocks you on your arse, but forgets how ruthless you are and you break his(my) ankle and gain the upper hand. Well, we do have time machines in my year now, but physics doesn't allow for going back past the time when the time machine was switched on... yet... Heh, Drop bears are real now. Turns out they were a story that was originally true when Australia was colonised, but the animal was hunted to extinction. Cloning in my age has progressed far past Dolly the sheep and these Native "Megafauna" are slowly being reintroduced to the wild. Also, remember your first written story? the one you never told anyone about and burnt because you knew it would scare everyone? Three words; "meat", "grinder", "stupidbitchfromacrosstheroadwhocheatsinsoftballandnooneletsyouhitherbecauseshe'sagirlthehypocriticalsexistbastards". That should be enough.
I've got a few words of advice, for you, and I'm not going to take any of the pain away... it's all just a building block for where I am right now and in case you're not in an alternative timeline like the one future trunks created when he went back in time, I don't want to fuck things up for me.
First of all, read the Terry Pratchett book "Johnny and The Bomb", it'll explain a lot, especially the last bit where wobbler gets a letter from wobbler.
Build a world inside your mind to retreat to when things get boring, read Dreamcatcher and Silence of The Lambs to find out how.
Laughing is cool and good for your health, ignore the peons who look at you funny when you cry because of it.
Don't go to the U.S.A. in 2001, or London in 2004.
DO buy Joshua Pitchford plane tickets for United Airlines Flight 175, from Boston to LA for September 11 2001. Don't tell anyone you did. *high five*
Love every single girl that you love, as much as you can. None of them will last, but that's okay, they're preparation for the real one(s).
There'll be a few INTP girls (don't worry, you'll find out what that means) down the track. Treasure them, they're perfect.
You're not a psychopath, you've just got a dark sense of humour. Aforementioned INTP girls will love you for it. Noone else will.
Follow politics intently, we do eventually get into it. Bet against Labour winning any federal elections until 2007.
All the money that you win in any bets, put it into a timelocked account until june 2009.
There's a game you should introduce at school. It's called The Game. The rules are that if you hear about the game you're playing the game, anytime you remember the game you lose, and you never cease to play the game, also, when you lose you have to say "I just lost the game".
If a horse wins the melbourne cup twice in a row, bet on it for the third time. HEAVILY.
When she does it, 2001, Three years below you, cease all affections for her. I did, it hurts less. Actively hate her for it.
You'll never get good at Job Interviews. Accept it. Move on.
I've since upgraded my status too. I'm no longer Prince Shai Gar, I'm now simply Shai Gar, Emperor of God. He who is Reality.
Oh yeah, try remember that story you wrote when you were 5. It's intense and terrifying sure, but put it in that timelocked account and it'll probably sell well as a childrens story, they're getting darker and darker. People actually like peadophile stories now, a book series about it got turned into a movie last year and all the girls are liking it. Odds are good you'll be the new Grimms Brothers.
Cheerio, Don't stop trying to sleep with every girl you can, it'll provide endless amusement for your friends years down the track when you recall the stories drunk.
Shai Gar, Emperor of God. He who is Reality.
