Dealing with negativity/being put down.

somethingpancake

somethingpancake

Newbie
MBTI
INFJ
So, there's someone in my family who has been talking badly about me, and my current situation, behind my back. Yes, i'm introverted, shy, and not the most social person in the world. I can deal with people not understanding that right away, but this person in my family has known me all my life... and the put downs are starting to be about more than that. In a nutshell, he is someone who puts down people who aren't currently present, but praise the ones who are. When I visit him, he tells me how intelligent and great I am... while also insulting others in my family who aren't there. The world seems to revolve around him and his opinion of it.

I've heard him throwing countless insults towards everyone else in my family, so I would be extremely naive to believe he hasn't thrown me in that boat as well.

Now, I have made choices in my life that veer off the beaten path of societal normalcy, such as not attending university or getting a manual labour job(for 95% of people here, it's one or the other). I instead decided to stick to my guns and pursuit my passion. Regarding my offbeat decisions, this person has always been very supportive when discussing my choices and future plans with me to my face. He has even financially funded my passion enormously to get me off the ground, and for that gesture, I can't thank him enough. It has allowed me to grow and reach a quality of work very important to me.

But, I feel like letting that compensate for his put downs would be wrong, and would only place his financial support over my self-respect.

I have been told many times that behind my back, he says I won't achieve anything, that i'm a failure wasting my time and that he's wasted his money. Anyway, all of this negative bullshit. I would usually just brush it off, but it's really starting to bring me down. It's like I should be this success all of a sudden and have reached my goals already for him to be proud of me, even though i'm just starting my career.

He's also pissed because I rarely visit him, but who wants to sit around to hear negative talk about the world and my family? Sure, he'll compliment me and put me on a pedastool while i'm there, but I know it's all bullshit. Also, bringing it up and confronting him would only cause more drama and arguments, which is something my family doesn't need anymore. He is the way he is and has always been.

Has anyone on here ever had to deal with a similar situation? I seriously feel so down about this it's unbearable. I also feel guilty about not visiting him regularly since he's family and has helped me financially, but it's hard to sit there and pretend like i'm enjoying his company while he's being so negative and insulting people I love. Any words of advice or feedback would help.

Thanks guys!
 
My Mom is like that. It got better for me once I realized she's a Narcissist.

Wow. ...lot's of expectations going on between you and the family member. Lot's of attachment to what is allegedly appropriate behavior - on both sides of this relationship between the two of you.

Hmm... I suggest you read up on Narcissism. You might be surprised at what you find.

Look at your expectations of what this family member should be doing and behaving with regard to you. You say this person puts down other family members. Do you think you should be special and not included in that group? If so - why?

You probably feel betrayed? You feel a lack of respect? How important is that for you with regard to this person? Why?

Before I reconciled myself with the fact she was a Narcissist - I felt awful when I had to borrow money from my Mom. She made sure to make me feel that way. Like I was bought and paid for....her possession. Obligated. Of course her children are her possessions too. Ugh. She used to make me feel unworthy and less than desirable.

After you take a look at what your expectations are for this person - go visit them and maintain a detached observer point of view. See what you see about them. It will teach you something very important about yourself. :)
 
Ask yourself why your other relatives feel it is necessary to share these opinions with you. Sounds like dysfunction all around.
Maybe you could tell your relative you'd rather spend time catching up with them rather than talking about cousin so and so."
Some people thrive on conflict, don't get sucked into it.
 
If the money comes with strings attached then it might be better to pay it back as soon as possible, this way you don't need to feel like you're under any obligations

The thing about family is we don't get to choose them. Its like a personality type lottery

Your bro clearly has unresolved issues which are now becoming harmful to you

You need to protect yourself. Perhaps its best to get out of debt to him and to stay out of his debt and to maybe keep your guard up a bit. Keep him at a safe distance (if he's not trustworthy he doesn't need to know all your business)
 
Yeah, I think we've all dealt with people who are nice and supportive of you when you're around, and then go ahead and speak of you badly behind your back. It's an insidious form of passive aggression and it's especially disappointing when you expected more from them.

At the end of the day, I think you need to realize that this problem that they have with you has nothing to do with you personally and everything to do with their own insecurities. People really only behave this way for three reasons:

  • They want to make you look bad because they're jealous
  • They want to build themselves up by comparison
  • You've violated one of their internal rules (ie. you piss them off and they don't know why) and they have no idea how to work through their feelings.

The fact that he keeps supporting you suggests to me like he's grappling with either some sort of resentment or guilt over your situation. On one hand, maybe he feels responsible for you because you're family or because you've always been there for him in the past to listen to him rant about other family members. On the other, I think he might be getting a kick out of being in a position of power and disparaging you for your life choices. This builds him up in the eyes of other people and makes him the 'good guy' rescuing the 'bad guy' (you) from your own 'bad choices.'

You can either confront him about it, ignore it, or find healthier support elsewhere. You're going to be the best judge of what you should or shouldn't do with this situation because you know this family member is best. If it were me, I personally tell him that I appreciate his support, but that I'm uncomfortable with his conduct and treatment of me when I'm not looking and ask him if he has a better solution to this situation. If there's any hidden resentment, I'd like to know about it so it can be resolved as quickly as possible.
 
Hey acd,

I don't feel like i'm special or any better than anyone else in my family. I mean, we all have our own shortcomings and we all make mistakes. To be honest, i'm not sure what to expect from him... nor am i 100% sure what "normal" is anymore. Relationships in my family have always been dysfunctional and somewhat unhealthy to maintain.

I feel betrayed and hurt, but it instinctively gets suppressed and bottled up. I've never had a close relationship with him. He's not the type to open up and be upfront about things. He's more focused on keeping appearences. Like I said, it's all about him. He has never called me once to meet up or talk, yet he's directing anger at me for not visiting him enough.

Anyway, thanks for the advice! It's appreciated!
 
Dom Marx Lapalme said:
muir, i hate myself for being in his debt. of course i plan on paying him back!
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Don't hate yourself....its a perfectly normal thing for family to help each other out...you've done nothing wrong by accepting his offer....i just question his motives thats all

The reason i'm stressing the money thing is for the reason that the daring hatrick outlined above....ie the money lending thing might be part of his ego game

ie he gets to play the big man

Its a common theme in families that there comes a stage where the dynamics that were formed need to be re-written. for example teenagers start to rebel and grate against their parents....this is a necessary part of the process as otherwise no one would ever fly the nest

With siblings the older siblings develop a dynamic where they often perceive themselves as being in an authoratative position, but just like the young adult that must fly the nest at some point (although the economy is making more people stay at home through necessity) the younger sibling must also distance themself enough that they can stretch their own wings and take flight....that time is perhaps here for you

The money gives him an added ego boost....don't give him ammo

I also don't think its worth talking it out with him because i think people exhibiting this sort of behaviour do not like being called out on it! They don't like their demon being pulled out into the light of day, because they don't want to face it themselves

Maybe they'll work through their issues and maybe they won't....just don't become collateral damage!
 
Negativity is best dealt with by ignoring it. If you can't stop thinking about it, I would suggest keeping yourself occupied with your own goals and ambitions. Your mind is a precious resource that shouldn't be susceptible to the mere words and thoughts of others. Invest zero time in people who aren't worth that time.
 
o_q said:
Negativity is best dealt with by ignoring it. If you can't stop thinking about it, I would suggest keeping yourself occupied with your own goals and ambitions. Your mind is a precious resource that shouldn't be susceptible to the mere words and thoughts of others. Invest zero time in people who aren't worth that time.
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Sorry, I'm late to this thread but I could not agree with the above statement more. Put-down artists and gossips -- yuck. Best cure is to focus on your own goals and never never never never never have to depend on them for anything. Also, remember if they gossip to you they'll gossip about you.

No fun to deal with, but I am sure that in time you'll be independent and no longer indebted to this person, and I sincerely wish you success.
 
o_q said:
Negativity is best dealt with by ignoring it. If you can't stop thinking about it, I would suggest keeping yourself occupied with your own goals and ambitions. Your mind is a precious resource that shouldn't be susceptible to the mere words and thoughts of others. Invest zero time in people who aren't worth that time.
Click to expand...

this is only temporary said:
Also, remember if they gossip to you they'll gossip about you.
Click to expand...

Wise words.
 
You can try using a mirror. No magic required - only a mirror.
http://magic-spells-and-potions.com/magic_protection_defence_against_the_dark_arts_hexenspiegel.htm

Mirrors naturally have a positive energy. You can check the energy of the mirror by holding a plummet above it.
When you hold a plummet above a mirror, it should spin in the clockwise direction.
If it happens to spin in the counter clockwise direction, that means there is something wrong with the mirror and it would be good to get rid of it.
 
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