Dating a INTJ | INFJ Forum

Dating a INTJ

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Exodus, May 29, 2009.

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  1. Exodus

    Exodus Regular Poster

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    Hi everyone, so I thought I would come to the source for some advise! I'm very interested in a INFJ girl that I'm going to be seeing this weekend. We have been talking over the internet and phone for awhile and I feel like we have gotten to know each other pretty well.

    Our conversation over the phone was pretty deep, we talked about what we wanted in our future, what type of persons we are and what made us tick. It seems to me like we have a tremendous amount in common, I can honestly admit I have never felt so connected to someone i've never met.

    I'm very much a INTJ in the fact that I need to feel like I have all the data in order to take risks. Understand the system I guess ;)

    I'm very strong on my intuitive side, and I know when something seems "right". One of my questions is, do INFJ persons generally "know" when someone is right for them as well?

    A INTJ normally won't make plans with someone unless we can see them in our future, otherwise we regard it as wasting our time. So I have a couple questions along that line of thinking. This particular INFJ has quite a bit of obligation outside of work, and going out on a date is not easily done. She did make time to see me very soon, and like I mentioned our date is this weekend.

    My question is mainly having to do with your intuition. I know you are master people readers, what signs can I look for that will help me know if she is very interested in me? Does making plans to see me constitute a high level of interest? (I would consider me going on a date period to be a high level of interest).

    Another thing i'm worried about, is that i'm very open and straightforward. I don't play games, and I know exactly who I am, and what I want. I communicated this to her early in our phone conversation, and she seemed very open to me. Is this a trait that INFJs find endearing, or annoying?

    The flip side of my open and outgoing nature is although I am generally extremely confident, when it comes to dating I really need reassurance, is showing that i'm concerned she might not like me as much as I like her a endearing trait or one that is unattractive? (We INTJs almost never show weakness, certainly not to strangers.)

    I'm very much a calculated risk taker, and early in the dating stage, it is very difficult for me to know when someone likes me as much as I might like them. What signs should I be on the look out for, that I could intepret as, yes its ok to kiss me now ;)
    It is my understanding that INFJ enjoy their personal space, so I don't want to invade that and ruin my chances.

    Once I get into the comfort stage of dating, I can really open up and relax, it really is the dating until I know we are on the same page that is the problem for me. I want something serious and long term, and I understand most people are not going to just tell me outright, "Oh you are so great, lets be a couple!" after just a couple dates.

    Dating is not really "fun" to me. I don't like the uncertainty and putting myself out there. I would much rather find someone who I click with instantly and we fall madly in love and live happily ever after ;)
     
  2. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    I don't know. I might feel it, but I'll never know it. Knowing implies knowledge, thought, and language ultimately. The problem is the second those things are introduced into the equation, my intuition is completely distorted, and I don't know what is going on. Maybe I am just out of touch; lets see what the others say.

    Yes, making plans and going on a date, especially when one is a busy female, indicates a significant amount of interest. It is a good sign. I don't know what signs to look for because I'm not that good at reading people it seems, but that is definitely a good one. Another really good sign is if she wants to see you again (duh) and if she asks you questions about yourself or your life. If she is asking you those kind of questions, it means she is trying to determine whether you two are compatible long term, most likely (as opposed to inconsequential social banter). If she has already done this and now wants to meet you, that means you have what she is looking for so far.

    Whether or not being open is an endearing trait depends entirely upon what you say. Remember that we are feelers and internalize what is said to us; emotions are taken into account. What this means is that if you are overly critical, or if you shoot down or dismiss something coldly (which you might not realize you are doing), it will be taken very poorly. I think my father is INTJ, and I absolutely hate taking about things that I am interested in with him because he does this to absolutely everything. On the other hand, if you are open about feelings, what you want, it will probably go over well. So to sum that up, it comes down to the emotional content of what you say; what you might think of as impersonal or objective topics the INFJ might be taking very personally, just so you know.

    I would bet that showing you are in need of reassurance would be endearing. I'm not 100% sure, but I would bet that an INFJ would like to see that someone is self-aware and INFJs, at least if they are like me, like giving emotional suppot. We don't view it as leech-like like some other types do; some of us may even crave it (I know I do).

    The best way to tell if she wants you to kiss her or not is to ask. I don't know where you got the personal space thing. I've never heard that and it is definitely not me. I think that might be a misconception. I know people probably think I enjoy my personal space, but really I want to be held, though I seek it much less than others out of fear. So just ask her, and that will probably make her happy.

    Well, I think your last two statements will fit well with INFJ. I hate dating, mostly because I've hardly ever done it. Also, I do think long term, unrealstically long term. Once I went on a date with a girl, who I thought liked me, and then later that night I woke up because I was worried about how we could be together in two years. The next day she told me she wasn't interested in me at all, and I got the old "lets just be friends". I have no idea why either. But you see my point?


    I don't know why I'm taking time to reply to this, but whatever. The one big thing I can tell you is to watch what you say about topics that don't seem emotional or personal because with an INFJ they probably are (politics, job, religion, everything is part of the self concept for the INFJ). If you have positive regard, she'll probably love you. On the contrary, if you are negative or indifferent towards what she does or what she thinks, she'll probably want to bail. This applies to tons of people, not just INFJs, but it applies especially I think.



    BTW, I'm no expert on typology by any means. I'm telling you stuff based on my own experience and perceptions. Take my advice at your own risk.
     
  3. secretsmile

    secretsmile Regular Poster

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    I'm not trying to disregard the rest of your post, but you do realize that falling in love happens only after you experience the uncertainty of putting yourself out there, right? :)

    Just go and have fun. Yes, she is probably interested thus far if she has agreed to go out on a date with you. You need to feel each other out now and see if you're still interested even after you get to know each other better.
     
  4. corvidae

    corvidae ohai internets
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    I think Dragon pretty much summed it up. INFJs can be analytical just like INTJs, but they take the conclusions much more personally.
     
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  5. Tamagochi

    Tamagochi Sushi Destroyer
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    Listen up, you're dating a live human being and not a type! Things that are not supposed can and most definatelly will happen.

    People allocating their personal time for you is usually a good indicator of interest.

    If you're sure that she's INFJ - you might find some good insights here.

    As for the rest... you will probably be eveluated in the first 10 minutes or so and she will "know" how/if relationship will continue. Personal space is not an issue for myself, but social space is - paritcipating in joint activities and events is important. That is my common problem with INTJs - they care very little of it.
     
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  6. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    He did not specify. He might be dating a corpse! Who are we to judge necrophilia?

    Lol, jk. I couldn't resist.
     
  7. Zero Angel

    Zero Angel Permanent Fixture

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    I agree with dragon. I personally would like to be a perfect person, moral, loving, logical and good at everything. In fact I often strive to reach this level. This is important because there might be two ways that I might take criticism personally. One might be because it spotlights imperfections that I would rather not have especially if it's not constructive criticism. And secondly I might take it personally if I misinterpret it as something which has a negative bearing on our relationship.

    Feelers are different in that they're more likely to pick on subtle cues which indicate things such as how one relates to each other and this is different from an INTJ who might be more prone to ignore these considerations. It does take some getting used to.

    Generally though, I can see an INTJ and INFJ naturally meshing in a relationship due to the same shared mode of perception. An INFJ loves in a point where you as an INTJ open up to him or her. Again this is a natural dynamic between the types, INTJs need to eventually let the INFJ into their circle of trust, likewise as an INFJ would eventually do the same. I really don't think you have to do too much aside from what I mentioned in the first and second paragraphs.
     
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    #7 Zero Angel, May 29, 2009
    Last edited: May 29, 2009
  8. Poetic Justice

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    She will almost certainly have you figured out within a few minutes of meeting her.

    INFJ's are notoriously good at reading people, we are also nororiously difficult to read, this is because we internalise everything, so it may be very difficult to tell. But I would think the fact that she has agreed to a date with you is a good start, so she obviously likes you now. If the date goes well she should agree to another one. I don't think you need any sign other than that

    She'll love you for that, don't change it. Try and be anything other than who you are and she will be on to you instantly.

    Women like confidence. I have dated another INFJ myself and she said the thing that attracted her to me the most was my confidence. I can't say for sure if she will find what you describe unnattractive so I would probably just not mention it, at least the first few dates, maybe never.

    It is essential to invade someones personal space if you want them to know you like them. move a little closer to her than would normally be considered acceptable, if she doesn't move away, or even better if she moves in even closer, I think that is a good sign that she likes you

    Don't say that

    Me too, and I'm an INFJ. that hopefully means she does too. but don't rush her or you may scare her off
     
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  9. OP
    Exodus

    Exodus Regular Poster

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    Outstanding advice. I can happily say that our relationship is moving along wonderfully!

    Zero I especially enjoyed your insight!

    Poetic Justice, great advice. One thing though. INTJs are possibly the one type that is more complex/complicated emotionally than yourselves. There is no way she could figure me out from a first meeting, it is simply impossible. It would be like saying someone could figure you out after a few seconds.

    INTJs and INFJs both have introverted intuition as our primary preference. We could read each others intentions from a first meeting, but that is about all. The two strongest intuitives are also the INTJ and INFJ. We just know.

    The one thing I have found out from my relationship is this: INTJs require "knowledge" in order to create our systems. The INFJ requires me to be open up to her so she can see who I really am. When I open up the INFJ shows me emotion back, which then gives me "knowledge" which allows me to continue to open up more and more (Which leads to her opening up more and more). We evidently share a need to have a complicated trust system in all our relationships.

    This is good because once we have completely earned each others trust, it will be unmatched in quality.
     
  10. Reon

    Reon Midnight's Garden

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    Sounds like a good a reason as any, go for it
    That's the Te we all love, know and love
    InXjs are very similar in this aspect, infjs do 'know' about a person because they can use their 'feeling' to get a feel for them, and then use their auxiliary te to make sure it seems possible
    She's a person with stuff to do, you probably won't have a lot of time to just 'do stuff' either, you gotta make it work.

    Typical flirting and such, I would assume, and a willingness to share feelings and ideas with you.
    I like it, can't say that for all infjs though. One word of caution is that infjs are 'closed', we are suspicious of other people at times and...well..yeah.
    Depends on the infj, generally in these types of relationships (which have worked btw), the infj is the more needier one. Protip: You've alerady scored the date, if she doesn't like you, then move on. It really need not be this serious.
    Well, generally, infjs and intjs feel the same about this issue (This information is compiled from intj and cross referenced with this site )
     
  11. Poetic Justice

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    You may be right, i'm not sure if I've ever met an INTJ so I can't comment on that. But I can figure some people out literally within 5 seconds of seeing them. They don't even have to speak sometimes. It can be from just a look. This works especially well with people who have negative intentions. I find it takes a little longer to figure out nice people
     
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  12. OP
    Exodus

    Exodus Regular Poster

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    I have noticed that INFJs and INTJs have similar facial features. Very cold and distant looking. Almost lazy eyes, apathetic might be the better term.

    I know that when my INFJ is not looking at me, she has a look like. Whatever, can we go now?

    When we look into each others eyes, both our faces light up and that rare "real" smile emerges. Good stuff ;)
     
  13. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    Maybe I'm just feeling sentimental this morning.. I'm happy for you PhantomX!
     
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