complete communication breakdown with estp | INFJ Forum

complete communication breakdown with estp

lifeisamaze

lifeisamaze

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Oct 5, 2009
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hi everyone,
i feel like i have just broken up with my oldest friend. we've known each other since we were 13/14 and were each others bridesmaids. she has spent the last few months not talking to me, and i have been wondering what is going on. we finally emailed about it over the last few days and it has all blown up... with the underlying message being she no longer wants to be close to me as i am too much, i experience things too dramatically, and i am way too open with her.

i feel like i have just been honest and open and tried to work through things, while she has shut me out, pretty much told me she doesn't like me anymore and that she is seeking to redefine our relationship boundaries.

she wants me to be 'like a normal friend', which of course i think i am being. i think she has lots of levels of friends and is pushing me outside a level or something. whereas for me, i have people i trust, and people i don't... she has promptly moved herself to those i don't.

overall i feel like she is redefining things according to her needs, without consideration of me/my feelings or even valuing who i am and what i bring to the relationship. i think we have just gone through a typical infj/estp blow up.....

but i am wondering if anyone else has been through a similar thing, and how they resolved it, and whether i should hold hope for a reconciliation. or do i have such a different view of friendship/trust to her that we will never see eye to eye?
 
If she's being this way... how old are you both?

I'd say forget her, she obviously doesn't understand or WANT to understand how people who aren't "The Norm" work.
 
im 29 and she is 28. so we've been friends for over 15 years.... i just wish i understood how she thinks but i think the F vs T thing has really come between us.
 
I'm a 26 year old ENTP who has not had a friend for that long a period... I'm no psychology expert.

But I'd say she's crossed a boundary.
 
my last relationship was with an ESTP...

awesome fun, but she also decided i was too emotional...

we communicated good though...

just... when she left, i said some hurtful things and burnt those bridges...

the thing about burnt bridges though, is that they can be rebuilt..

being a 2 divorce survivor though, i've figured that if a chick makes up her mind then thats it...


y'all sound like y'all have a history though, so rebuilding those bridges could probably prove to be a lot easier to repair...
 
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hmmm, yes it seems so. and i think it is the emotion thing. i value being in touch with my emotions though would only ever express them when i trust someone. so it kind of burns that i have trusted her with them and she has rejected that trust i guess.... especially after all this time. but, i do suppose i can't really do much about it, as weird as it feels to be told by your best friend that they don't really like you much anymore!
 
lifeisamaze said:
she wants me to be 'like a normal friend',
Click to expand...

It sounds like she has had her expectations redefined and thinks everyone should fit into the ESXX model or else something is wrong with them. It is pretty sad that she can't allow for some individuality and is uncomfortable with emotional openness, but these opinions are fairly pervasive. I've found that once ESTXs go that path, they can never accept someone for who they are, only how they think that person should be. If the person conforms to the expectations, which INFJs almost never do, they are accepted. If not, they need work or are rejected.

Of course, INFJs can do this too, but it is more common among some other types. I like to think of it as the person having bought into the herd mentality because they are so insecure about being liked that they don't want to associate with people who don't fit the acceptable people category how ever it is currently being defined.

This typically means this: emotional openness = needy = neurotic = crazy = no fun = undesirable. I think that a big reason why people are so uncomfortable with emotions is that they are afraid to confront them and would rather just avoid them altogether. It is pretty sad but very common. If you pluck these people out of their blissful (or not so blissful) self-imposed ignorance, they don't handle it well.
 
estps are kind of rude just in general.

I've heard countless infjs have baddddd relationships with them.

Avoid um'.
 
I agree with Slant. ESTPs are rude.

Most ESTPs are shallow assholes.
I have had BAD EXPERIENCES with them.

Appreciate the friendship for what it was, and let it go.
You deserve better.
 
Depends on the ESTP. If you're friends and you're willing to work things out, I bet you can salvage a lot from your relationship. You'll just learn each others quirks. My mother is an ESTP and we'll never completely hit it off in some areas, but I love her for who she is - not for who she isn't. I had to learn that, though, and it can take time.

We INFJs can be judgmental a$$es too- we just don't show it. We think it.
 
lifeisamaze, if I were you I'd ask her what is a definition of "normal friend", what boundaries are you crossing so that she has to redefine them, and most of all ask her if she is willing to respect yours wishes in all aspects of that relationship.

I'm in a romantic relationship with an ESTP and therefor he is my best friend among other things, and after one really big fallout with him I had to sit and think through the same things I think you now have. Now, the questions I had for myself were : Am I overly dramatic with him and if am why? or How am I communicating with him, and how much information really gets to him?

I was the one who initiated the big conversation, but only after I was sure what I want, what I give, what are the things I am willing to do, and most of all is he really worth all that trouble. Now, I can say that he was worth it, that that fallout made me learn so much about myself and him, and that communication we had before that couldn't compare the one we have now.

I hope this was helpful. :m176:
 
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