Compatibility: Value(s) Conflicts. | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

Compatibility: Value(s) Conflicts.

I just talked with her more about this last night and she said that she'd be willing to compromise the alcohol because she's "decided she doesn't want to lose me." I told her I don't want her to lose herself, or any part of herself since she originally deemed the interest in alcohol to be a large part of her life, enough to refuse giving it up. She said "It's not worth losing you over it." I want to make it very clear that I did NOT give her an ultimatum; I tried making this very clear to her, as well. I specifically told her to do what she wanted and if she wants to drink because it's that much a part of her liking, taste, whatever, then fine, but that I wanted her to be herself.

At this point I am just scared because even though she has agreed to compromise the alcohol, I don't feel as though she was honestly ready for the compromise. I told her this, and she tried saying that she'd had a lot of "time" to think about it. I'm not sure if she was just saying this to preserve the peace or what, but yeah. Personally, I think there's the potential that later down the road she will feel resentful for doing this and having to suppress her impulses, esp. if they're that much a "part" of her. I don't think she can easily separate the two. I'm delighted that she wants to be with me, but the compromise doesn't feel genuine, which I feel could later lead to great dissapointment.

Oh, and she's not willing to admit she has a problem with alcohol. Even though she has been able to suppress her impulses now, too, doesn't mean she doesn't have a problem, but it's the fact that she defends alcohol so much and has been headstrong, refusing to give it up at all costs and how she defined it as a "part" of her that concerns me.
 
Not2bforgot10 said:
Oh, and she's not willing to admit she has a problem with alcohol. Even though she has been able to suppress her impulses now, too, doesn't mean she doesn't have a problem, but it's the fact that she defends alcohol so much and has been headstrong, refusing to give it up at all costs and how she defined it as a "part" of her that concerns me.
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Is she really defending alcohol?

Could she be defending her commitment to you?

Could she be defending her will-power?

Could she be defending something else that you instead view as defending alcohol, or instead she comes off as her blatantly defending alcohol when she's really trying to defend something else like her freedom or independence or judgment?
 
I hate that there is no delete button, by the way. Disregard this post of mine! Ughh!
 
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Ingrid said:
I've been a relationship with an addict and life was very very difficult. After what I experienced, I could never be in a romantic relationship with someone who was active in their addiction ever again. It's soul destroying.

I've lived with a sober addict in recovery and it was a beautiful time. Their sense of spirituality and humility about their addiction was amazing to see.

The thing about being in a relationship with someone who is active in their addiction is that you are never going to be the most important thing in that person's life while ever they are still drinking/drugging/[insert other addiction here]. Their drug of choice will always be number one, will be the compass by which they make their decisions, and their drug(s) of choice will always come before you.
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Wow. That's put just beautifully.
 
merrytrees said:
I hate that there is no delete button, by the way. Disregard this post of mine! Ughh!
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Sorry Not2be, this is off topic - but I was wondering what happened to the delete button. Weren't there supposed to be 15 days to delete a post? *goes hunting around the forum..*
 
If she isn't ready to admit she has a problem, you're wasting your time. An addict doesn't get sober because of any 'transcendental true love concurs all' type deal, they get sober because they recognize they have a problem and they want to fix it. You will not and can not love her sober. Period.

Your instincts are correct. She will try to get better to placate you. Then she'll feel resentful. And then it'll be one little bump or a couple of extra shots. If you don't find out about it, all the better.

It is so easy for an INFJ's to fill that thankless, unhealthy codependent role. Back away from the void. I'm sure she'll tell you how hard and crappy her life has been and how misunderstood she is and how YOU and only YOU can understand and accept her. She'll says she NEEDS you. Screw that. To quote fight club, "She's a predator posing as a house pet". Whole healthy people don't need rescuing or saving. Don't mistake pity for love.

I don't mean to come off as harsh, I'm just trying to save you a world if hurt. My mom dad and basically half of my family are alcoholics. The other half are long suffering codependents too busy playing martyr to actually develop healthy relationships. Talk to her again when her sobriety doesn't hinge on your presence.
 
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It turns out (we talked about this yesterday) that she's been defending it harder because I have been pushing AGAINST it, and it turns out she needs a certain amount of freedom or she gets panicky and rebellious. If it matters to anyone, she is an Enneagram type 7 (7w6) ESFP.

Nevertheless, she said that the more I drilled her on it and pushed for her to stop, the more personal restriction she felt, which is why she kept pushing and getting defensive.

So apparently I have taken it the wrong way... Granted, there still may be an issue with alcohol, and I don't want to overlook that, but I guess there was a misunderstanding between us. She does have a very addictive personality and has had severe problem with substances in the past, which brings up some reg flags for me.

Nevertheless, we agreed to allow one another to be ourselves, and so I told her I want her to do what she wants in that I will not attempt to control her actions. If she wants to drink, she's going to drink. She can choose how respectful to be of me and my boundaries and choose when/how much to drink. It's in her personality to drink though and "have fun" (her unpronounced motto) and that's something I am going to have to live with if I choose. I would prefer she not drink, but part of the SP temperment is that they like to have fun... so maybe part of what this is all about is NF temperment vs. SP (looking at it from a larger perspective).

What are your thoughts on it?
 
Soulful said:
Sorry Not2be, this is off topic - but I was wondering what happened to the delete button. Weren't there supposed to be 15 days to delete a post? *goes hunting around the forum..*
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I am not sure; I was wondering that, too :( Usually if there's not a delete I'll click "edit" and erase the words and put [ ]
 
JustNickey said:
If she isn't ready to admit she has a problem, you're wasting your time. An addict doesn't get sober because of any 'transcendental true love concurs all' type deal, they get sober because they recognize they have a problem and they want to fix it. You will not and can not love her sober. Period.

Your instincts are correct. She will try to get better to placate you. Then she'll feel resentful. And then it'll be one little bump or a couple of extra shots. If you don't find out about it, all the better.

It is so easy for an INFJ's to fill that thankless, unhealthy codependent role. Back away from the void. I'm sure she'll tell you how hard and crappy her life has been and how misunderstood she is and how YOU and only YOU can understand and accept her. She'll says she NEEDS you. Screw that. To quote fight club, "She's a predator posing as a house pet". Whole healthy people don't need rescuing or saving. Don't mistake pity for love.

I don't mean to come off as harsh, I'm just trying to save you a world if hurt. My mom dad and basically half of my family are alcoholics. The other half are long suffering codependents too busy playing martyr to actually develop healthy relationships. Talk to her again when her sobriety doesn't hinge on your presence.
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Wow, very powerful post. And... very helpful! Thank you.

Your whole post resonated with me, but especially when you said "Whole healthy people don't need rescuing or saving." That really opened up something for me... I like your way of thinking. It's interesting how you can think you're an a healthy relationship when in fact you're not. I guess that's a potential result of being in unhealthy rel. after unhealthy rel. and then after spending some time by yourself. Your perspective starts out clear and then gets fuzzy.

Since you grew up with alcoholism, it sounds like you're an ACOA (Adult Child of Alcoholic). That makes two of us. I'd be interested in hearing more of your thoughts, as well, as brief experiences from your personal life such as the one you listed above.

Thanks!
 
JustNickey said:
If she isn't ready to admit she has a problem, you're wasting your time. An addict doesn't get sober because of any 'transcendental true love concurs all' type deal, they get sober because they recognize they have a problem and they want to fix it. You will not and can not love her sober. Period.

Your instincts are correct. She will try to get better to placate you. Then she'll feel resentful. And then it'll be one little bump or a couple of extra shots. If you don't find out about it, all the better.

It is so easy for an INFJ's to fill that thankless, unhealthy codependent role. Back away from the void. I'm sure she'll tell you how hard and crappy her life has been and how misunderstood she is and how YOU and only YOU can understand and accept her. She'll says she NEEDS you. Screw that. To quote fight club, "She's a predator posing as a house pet". Whole healthy people don't need rescuing or saving. Don't mistake pity for love.

I don't mean to come off as harsh, I'm just trying to save you a world if hurt. My mom dad and basically half of my family are alcoholics. The other half are long suffering codependents too busy playing martyr to actually develop healthy relationships. Talk to her again when her sobriety doesn't hinge on your presence.
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I just love the 'tell it like it is' attitude. Wow. You're even more blunt than I!
 
Soulful said:
Sorry Not2be, this is off topic - but I was wondering what happened to the delete button. Weren't there supposed to be 15 days to delete a post? *goes hunting around the forum..*
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I was actually wondering the same thing... so it's not just you guys :( I contacted the admin and they said that after so long, 24/hrs maybe? members cannot edit their posts. Ugh, we should protest!
 
The limit is three days for editing and deleting your posts. Some can be deleted on request, however, provided they have not spawned their own discussions.
 
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