Choosing who you fall for | INFJ Forum

Choosing who you fall for

Rosenrot

Rosenrot

Addicted to Bagels
Sep 2, 2008
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A friend of mine and I had a discussion on wether if falling in love with a person is a choice or if it just happens. I don't think I chose to fall for the people that I fell for. He stated that I did choose to fall for them and that I can choose not to feel for them anymore. I don't believe its a choice because I tried it. I was dating a guy who I knew in the back of my mind didn't care about me. In fact I had friends tell me that he didn't care and that he was just testing the waters. I also had several signs that should have made it obvious. Still I blinded my self and tried to *choose* to fall for him. Well i got bored after a month of being used and broke up with him. Anyways your thoughts?
 
Sounds to me like you made the right decision.

You did however make the choice despite the very sound advice from your friends. And even your own intuition.

I have a friend who does this.
You can read about her in that So and So letter!
 
Rosenrot said:
A friend of mine and I had a discussion on wether if falling in love with a person is a choice or if it just happens. I don't think I chose to fall for the people that I fell for. He stated that I did choose to fall for them and that I can choose not to feel for them anymore. I don't believe its a choice because I tried it. I was dating a guy who I knew in the back of my mind didn't care about me. In fact I had friends tell me that he didn't care and that he was just testing the waters. I also had several signs that should have made it obvious. Still I blinded my self and tried to *choose* to fall for him. Well i got bored after a month of being used and broke up with him. Anyways your thoughts?
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I haven't been in love, so I can't tell you about 'love' per say but I noticed that I can thoroughly convince myself that I like someone and 'why.' Usually these types of relationships don't work out, I'm guessing if you have to use logic to explain why you should like a person, whether it be convenient or what, it's not going to work.. Generally, the person you can't see why, exactly, you like (I'm not saying you should make a move towards everything your lusting) are 'better' working relationships.

If it's confusing, tell me, i'll rephrase it.

Edit: Made it clearer.
 
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I didn't fall for him though. Basically our relationship was a scam it seemed. I didn't get to type as much as I want because class was starting. The teacher left the room for a couple minutes. lol. I didn't really choose to fall for the last guy I fell for. It just sorta happened. lol. My one friend who I had the discussion with seems to like me and even talked about dating. I only want to remain his friend but still he will bring it up again and sometimes would pass a comment or something like that. I told him many times I see him as a friend and only cared about him as such. I dont do anything to lead him on or anything. I let him know where he stands with me. He also knows i have/had feelings for someone else. Now cant he choose not to like me? I don't know.
 
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Yes, I agree with alcyone. I think love is a choice. Contrast love with "attraction" or "lust" -- we all have those moments. But, in deciding whether to love someone, anyone, be it a friend, a relative or a lover, I think you there is some element of decision at work. Most of us go through life as zombies, unaware of our choices, but that doesn't mean that those choices aren't being made.
 
At the risk of clouding the issue, I have never felt that I chose to fall in love with those men I fell for. Sometimes I had clear insight that falling might entail great risk, but I was already falling by that time and if I hadn't been, how could I assess that there existed the risk or heartbreak?

The only choice I was consciously aware of was whether to dwell in the sorrow my falling in love had brought me to, or force myself away from it. Or the choice to persevere in the love despite seemingly great odds (which was the case with my husband, and I remain grateful that I DID persevere).

The falling itself seemed to be an organic force of it's own.
 
Fair points Zen. I've been in love once, and I definitely recall the experience of "falling". I resisted it for a while, but I felt like I was fighting against a losing battle. In the end though, I think I did make a choice to just let it happen.

I recall another relationship where I held more of my ground as well and didn't allow myself to "fall"....

maybe I'm just a cold-hearted man though ;) ;)
 
KingOfSpades said:
Most of us go through life as zombies, unaware of our choices, but that doesn't mean that those choices aren't being made.
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I tend to agree with this camp of thought.
I'd like to add that our intentions come into play as well. We may not intend to fall for someone, but subconciously we've set a stage for romance and infatuation. Once these things are implanted in our minds mere willpower wont get rid of it.

I believe that with few exceptions everyone wants to set that stage weather it's a production worth persuing or not.
 
gOpHeR said:
I tend to agree with this camp of thought.
I'd like to add that our intentions come into play as well. We may not intend to fall for someone, but subconciously we've set a stage for romance and infatuation. Once these things are implanted in our minds mere willpower wont get rid of it.

I believe that with few exceptions everyone wants to set that stage weather it's a production worth persuing or not.
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agreed as well. But I think that once the feelings there. its kinda hard to remove the feeling.
 
I've never fallen in love, and perhaps that is within reason...?

I do feel a great amount of control over my actions, thoughts, and choices. I've never really understood the concept of 'love' because all I want is to know a person and have them share with me their story, and once I have had that sort of intimacy, I usually grow tired of them.

It's my belief that love is a choice, but then, I believe you have the power to control your thoughts and beliefs. Just as you have the power to boost your esteem by thinking positive thoughts, you can also choose to think postively of a person, perhaps even think yourself into believing you are in love. It is all about attiude and perception, and I'm sure if someone truly did not wish to be a part of this 'love' they could sucessfully abstain from it.

The problem it that so many who say they don't want to be in love secretly do, and they are dealing with hurt/betrayal/ the inability to pick an appropriate mate in a way of supression and wanting to 'rid it all'.
 
I don't think you choose who you fall for. Not consciously anyway. I think that there is a part of us that has decided what we like, and when we see that in a person there is attraction. But that's not so much choice. I've tried to like people (like fall for them), and I've tried to un-fall for people. Can't do it. Feelings are like that in a way, kind of like the wind, and the ocean's currents.

Where we do have a choice is what to do about the attraction. You can choose to act on it and pursue a relationship with a person. Or you can choose to ignore it. To keep with the wind and the ocean's currents idea, you can let the sail out and move with the wind, or you can tie the sails down, or drop anchor or whatever.

There is a sense though, in which feelings are like a fire. They can be fed and fueled, or they can be denied fuel, and may eventually burn themselves out, but the lightning strike that sparks the fire is not under conscious control. However, since we tend to like people we interact with, if you choose not to interact with anyone, then it is possible to diminish the chances of "falling" for anyone, but I think that's an awful strategy.
 
Ender612 said:
However, since we tend to like people we interact with, if you choose not to interact with anyone, then it is possible to diminish the chances of "falling" for anyone, but I think that's an awful strategy.
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But sometimes, its the only way out so to speak. Done this a couple of times but I cant say I'm proud of it. I just feel that it was necessary, though it did hurt a lot a first.
 
My advice is not to go out with anyone unless you've chosen that person to be with.. if a guy is interested in you and you go on some dates and you feel you're getting sucked into something-- follow your intuition, and don't date him. People should mutually choose one another. It takes a lot of time but it's better than being with a cold fish which is what the one guy sounds like.

Personally, I don't think it can 'just happen.' We have minds to reason with and emotions to navigate through for a purpose, we're not just passive entities unless we allow ourselves to be swept up in another's will.
 
TO clarify, what I meant as an awful strategy is to choose to fall for no one by not having any interaction at all. It's sort of a choice by default.

As far as getting out, I'm not a fan of avoidance, but there are some reasons for that that I won't go into right here.
 
Having those 'eros' feelings for someone else might not be something we can control.

However, we CAN control what we do with those feelings, how we act on them, and the choices we make based off of them.
 
i think there is an element of decision-making in terms of choosing who to be deeply involved with, which in turn leads to love.

i don't think we really have a choice who we do or don't meet - some people are just not in our circles of contact, and never will be. we're just not going to meet every single person alive.

so we have these people, thrown into our lives by circumstances beyond our control, people within our reach. but i think the choice comes when we decide to pursue a deeper relationship with them.

as the relationship progresses, however, i don't think we have a choice in whether or not we are falling in love with them - i think it comes naturally. i do think we have the ability to say, hey, this is enough, i don't want this anymore - but i don't think that necessarily nulls the fact that we were falling (if we were).

alcyone, that's a great point. it reminds me of a quote from house.

'i can't control my emotions'
'no, but you can control what you do with them'

or something to that extent!
 
ohmermaid said:
i think there is an element of decision-making in terms of choosing who to be deeply involved with, which in turn leads to love.

i don't think we really have a choice who we do or don't meet - some people are just not in our circles of contact, and never will be. we're just not going to meet every single person alive.

so we have these people, thrown into our lives by circumstances beyond our control, people within our reach. but i think the choice comes when we decide to pursue a deeper relationship with them.

as the relationship progresses, however, i don't think we have a choice in whether or not we are falling in love with them - i think it comes naturally. i do think we have the ability to say, hey, this is enough, i don't want this anymore - but i don't think that necessarily nulls the fact that we were falling (if we were).

alcyone, that's a great point. it reminds me of a quote from house.

'i can't control my emotions'
'no, but you can control what you do with them'

or something to that extent!
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ditto.
cool! I'm not the only person who watches house here :becky:
 
House rocks!
 
yeah!
I get some of my craziness from him!
but then again, are you sure I'm speaking the truth?
afterall, everybody lies :m155:
 
alcyone said:
we CAN control what we do with those feelings, how we act on them, and the choices we make based off of them.
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Love's a tricky thing cause it can be completely irrational and make us do crazy things but I believe we have control over our feelings, including love, if we want to but why would we fight it unless it’s unhealthy.

And definitely we can control the resulting actions like alcyone said.
 
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